I broke up with him and we got back together...is it doomed?

[fray718]

For those who read my post 'Disappointed in my bf =(' you will all know that I broke up with my bf on Wed night then asked to get back with him on Friday. I told him that I will work really hard to change and I told him to 'trust me'...he said 'i'll try.' He told me that he's going to need a few days to recover from what happened and that he won't be 100% for some time with me. I told him that's fine and it makes sense and that I'm sorry if I hurt him. I told him for those 2 days we were apart that I couldn't stop thinking about him. I told him not to leave me and that I want us to always be together.

 

But thing is, I don't know if he can trust me again and feel for me again like before. Here are a few things I noticed that changed:

1. He used to almost always hold my hand when we walk together, but over the weekend we just walk without touching each other for the most part.

2. An hour after we broke up, he changed his myspace relatinship status from 'in a r/s' to 'single'...and eventhough we got back together on friday, he is still listed as single. But on Saturday whilst in a conversation he jokingly asked me whether i'm proud that i have a race car driver as a boyfriend (he does car racing as a hobby).

3. I gave him a little ornament with a pic of us for xmas...he always had that ornament next to his bed faced up. But when I left his place sunday afternoon I saw that the pic on the ornament was turned face down and it still was facing down when I left.

 

Aside from those 3 things, he seemed ok overall. I called him at 1pm today to check up on him because his dad was in the hospital (though his dad is pretty much ok now, it wasn't anything too drastic that happened) and he returned my call after 30 mins. We talked like normal and he ended with 'talk to you later.' At about 6pm I txted him to see if his dad is out of the hospital and I told him that I'm leaving work and to let me know if he ever needs anythning from me. Right now it's 8:30 (west coast time) and I still have not heard back from him. Granted, he works the graveyard shift so he's usually sleeping right now, but still it worries me. I have to wait until 11:30 to really know what's going on cuz 11:30 is when he has to wake up and leave for work. I really hope he txts me back by then.

 

But basically, for those of you who have broken up with someone and asked for them back, what is your take on this? Likewise, if someone had broken up with you and asked for you back and you took them back, were you able to ever trust them again? I feel like I permanently damaged the r/s after I broke up with him on Wed. I feel sad.

 

edit: Also during our reconciliaiton on friday he told me he lost alot of confidence in us because he's scared i'd break up with him again and he's not sure whether he can commit to that. I told him either he commits to it and gives us another shot, or he doesn't and forgets about it. He said he'd give it another shot. That is how we got back together.

Edited January 29, 2008 by fray718

[Star Gazer]

As you know, my BF *kinda* broke up with me for a very short period as well. We've since gotten back together, but only after he wasn't so wonderful towards me and truly realized what he risked losing. It was like there was a big leak in our boat, and he's now repairing the hole.

 

I'll tell you this: yes, I do have moments of fear that he's going to breakup with me again, but those fears subside a little bit day by day. Why? Because he's dedicated to repairing any damage that momentary blip caused. He's also very understanding of the fact that it's his responsibility to rebuild the trust that was lost. He understands my confidence in our relationship was shaken, and that only time, effort (on his part), and a lot of communication can help repair that. He allows me to ask questions without getting annoyed. In addition, I told him what I need from him (in actions and in words), and he's given it to me, and never demonstrated resentment for having to make amends by doing those things. To make a long story short - it's taken a lot of effort on his part to show me that he's committed to our relationship and making it work, despite its obvious obstacles.

 

(That of course doesn't mean we'll live happily ever after. It just means I'm willing to look past his mistake as long as he's making efforts to make me feel more secure.)

 

So my advice to you? Give it your all. Ask him what you can do, if anything, to help repair the trust that was lost. It's not going to happen overnight. Keep at it, keep trying. Don't just tell him you're committed to the relationship and making it work, show him.

 

That said, be careful not to tell him take advantage of your efforts to repair things.

[fray718]

As you know, my BF *kinda* broke up with me for a very short period as well. We've since gotten back together, but only after he wasn't so wonderful towards me and truly realized what he risked losing. It was like there was a big leak in our boat, and he's now repairing the hole.

 

I'll tell you this: yes, I do have moments of fear that he's going to breakup with me again, but those fears subside a little bit day by day. Why? Because he's dedicated to repairing any damage that momentary blip caused. He's also very understanding of the fact that it's his responsibility to rebuild the trust that was lost. He understands my confidence in our relationship was shaken, and that only time, effort (on his part), and a lot of communication can help repair that. He allows me to ask questions without getting annoyed. In addition, I told him what I need from him (in actions and in words), and he's given it to me, and never demonstrated resentment for having to make amends by doing those things. To make a long story short - it's taken a lot of effort on his part to show me that he's committed to our relationship and making it work, despite its obvious obstacles.

 

(That of course doesn't mean we'll live happily ever after. It just means I'm willing to look past his mistake as long as he's making efforts to make me feel more secure.)

 

So my advice to you? Give it your all. Ask him what you can do, if anything, to help repair the trust that was lost. It's not going to happen overnight. Keep at it, keep trying. Don't just tell him you're committed to the relationship and making it work, show him.

 

That said, be careful not to tell him take advantage of your efforts to repair things.

 

It's nice to hear from someone who was in my bf's shoes. I'm focusing on you advice to 'give it your all'....how exactly do I do that? I phoned him today at 1pm about his dad and also texted him at 6pm which I did because I'm trying my best to make amends...but it's been 3 hours since the txt and still no response (though he might be sleeping). I was thinking maybe the txt was too much and he doesnt want to deal with me . I"m completely clueless to this and I don't have much confidence as to how I should proceed to try to regain his trust. When I think back about things, I've always been the one hurting him and making him feel insecure in the r/s and I hate that I did that to him. I feel really insecure right now as well. I told him not to leave me for gosh sakes hahah! And he just said 'i'm not gonna leave you!' as he saw the fear in my eyes. Really, I just want to be with him.

[Star Gazer]

Like you, after BF was a jerk, he was afraid I never wanted to talk to him again. It was actually almost cute how scared he was. Seeing that fear and vulnerability was one of the things that made me believe him and trust his feelings.

 

Since then, BF has simply put more effort into our relationship. I don't think it's necessary to describe his efforts in detail, I just know it's there - it's obvious. He's more reliable, he's more understanding, he's more interested, he's more communicative, and most importantly: he's less selfish. He's more cognizant of the fact that we are a "we" and that the world doesn't revolve around him, that my feelings matter. These have all been wonderful changes.

 

LB brought up a good point in your other thread. For the majority of your rant about your BF wanting you to go on the pill, you were hell bent on only talking about what you were willing to do. While it's arguable whether or not him asking you to go on the pill "at the expense of your health" was an ********* move, I found it to be just as much of an ********* move for you to be unwilling to consider your BF's desires. That came across as very selfish.

 

I don't know what other issues you two have that would give him a moment of doubt, but that's definitely one that would stand out if I were in his shoes. A real relationship is about thinking about the other person's feelings and reaching a compromise when you have differing views. But you have to be just as committed to reaching that compromise as you are to the guy.

[fray718]

Like you, after BF was a jerk, he was afraid I never wanted to talk to him again. It was actually almost cute how scared he was. Seeing that fear and vulnerability was one of the things that made me believe him and trust his feelings.

 

Oh god that reminds me of how I acted that Friday!

 

I don't know what got into me as I'm usually the cool and collected one in the r/s with him chasing me, but below were some of the things I said:

 

'don't leave me! don't leave me!' -- whereas he has told me in the past to not surprise him by leaving him without warning

 

'can I see you tomorrow?' -- where as in the past he's always the one asking me out and wanting to see me while I reject him cuz I'm busy.

 

'i've fallen for you'

'i couldnt stop thinking about you'

'i want us to be together...always'

 

Now I'm totally scared that maybe I went over the top...but really, I was scared that he'd leave me and so I said all those thing to him that night asking him to get back with me.

 

As for the 'selfish' thing, I know what you mean. The reason is because in the past I've always been too nice and giving and ended up getting hurt, so now I'm so scared to invest. My first instinct when somethng goes wrong it seems is just to run away. But I"m torn because I really did miss him like crazy during those 2 days when we were broken up. I was very very depressed and I don't want to experience being apart from him again.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know what else to say, Fray. My BF got lucky because he messed up with a gal who would have been willing to try again with much less effort on his part. I'm madly in love with him, and probably would have begged for him back had he not acknowledged that he had made a mistake and didn't want to lose me.

 

My best advice is just to remain consistent and reliable with him. You've thrown him for a loop, and now you need to stabilize things, and keep them stable for quite a while. Don't blow hot and cold. Don't give a lot one day and a little the next.

[fray718]

My best advice is just to remain consistent and reliable with him. You've thrown him for a loop, and now you need to stabilize things, and keep them stable for quite a while. Don't blow hot and cold. Don't give a lot one day and a little the next.

 

Oh that is hard but I will try. Right now however he is throwing ME for a loop. I texted him at 6pm and now it's 9:30pm...still no reply. Maybe that means he wants space and I should back off right? Ugh, I'm so clueless. I keep telling myself that it's cuz this is the time he sleeps but normally he seems to wake up just to txt me back. I guess maybe he doens't have the strong urge to reply so quickly anymore cuz well he prob doesn't think i'm that worth it anymore . It's hard and its scary. I constantly have this sinking feeling that he'd just think 'screw her' and I never hear from him again.

 

I'm sure all his friends (esp the ones who saw me drunk that one night and passed out!) are telling him that I'm not into him, that i'm using him and i'm not worth it and they are prob telling him to let me go. I mean this time i'm the so called 'bad person' in the situation. No one has sympathy for the 'bad' one....yet I feel as much fear and hurt (due to those 3 things I listed in my first post about him that changed) as ever right now. This is the first time I've been the dumper as opposed to the dumpee and boy does it still hurt and suck as well.

[oppath]

 

I'm sure all his friends (esp the ones who saw me drunk that one night and passed out!) are telling him that I'm not into him, that i'm using him and i'm not worth it and they are prob telling him to let me go. I mean this time i'm the so called 'bad person' in the situation. No one has sympathy for the 'bad' one....yet I feel as much fear and hurt (due to those 3 things I listed in my first post about him that changed) as ever right now. This is the first time I've been the dumper as opposed to the dumpee and boy does it still hurt and suck as well.

 

The fact that you jump to conclusions, reading minds and concluding the worst possible scenario, indicates you aren't ready for a relationship and need therapy.

[fray718]

The fact that you jump to conclusions, reading minds and concluding the worst possible scenario, indicates you aren't ready for a relationship and need therapy.

 

Yea i'm already looking for a therapist. But eventhough I may not be 'ready' for a r/s, I'm not gonna just let this one go. I promised him that I won't just break up with him again out of the blue. Plus for now he's still worth all this craziness I'm going through.

[Star Gazer]

The fact that you jump to conclusions, reading minds and concluding the worst possible scenario, indicates you aren't ready for a relationship and need therapy.

 

Unfortunately, Fray - you know that I have to agree with this... again.

 

I say this only because I often have the same thought patterns in ALL relationships (romantic, platonic, professional), and my therapist has questioned whether or not I know what a healthy relationship is because I have probably destroyed plenty of them with my thought processes and picking partners who foster my negative thoughts.

 

One of the books she recommended to me for homework was "The Relationship Cure" by John Gottman. I recommend you get it too.

[fray718]

Also um, I told him I don't think he's the one when I broke up with him. How the hell do I make up for that? As of now, I don't know whether he's the one or not, I don't know, I said those killer words cuz I'm stupid and impulsive. Ugh.

 

When we got back together, I never mentioned this 'the one' thing....should I do something bout it?

Edited January 29, 2008 by fray718

[Florida]

Also um, I told him I don't think he's the one when I broke up with him. How the hell do I make up for that? As of now, I don't know whether he's the one or not, I don't know, I said those killer words cuz I'm stupid and impulsive. Ugh.

 

When we got back together, I never mentioned this 'the one' thing....should I do something bout it?

 

You've been together 5-8 months, correct?

Well that is too early to say anything about the one, I know exceptions exist bla bla but let's forget about that exception.

 

You could acknowledge to him that you wouldn't expect him to know that of you, and it was said in a hasty impulsive way. Explain that you are impulsive in your thoughts, and are really going to address that in counselling.

 

Give some thought to what I mentioned about the 2-3 year mark. Do you think it has truth in it? And approach it mainly by apologizing for being hasty in actions. Labelling someone "the one" or talking about it so early is a lot of pressure to live up to prematurely.

 

Oh and mention of course you realized how important he was to you, what a mistake you realized you made, and that in itself shows that you were wrong in saying that. Just say the truth.

[Star Gazer]

You've been together 5-8 months, correct?

 

Well that is too early to say anything about the one, I know exceptions exist bla bla but let's forget about that exception.

 

Uh no. They've been together now 3 months, by my estimate.

[shadowplay]

Uh no. They've been together now 3 months, by my estimate.

 

SG: How did you find your therapist if you don't mind me asking?

[Star Gazer]

SG: How did you find your therapist if you don't mind me asking?

 

Through a friend who has very similar "issues" as I do. When I mentioned wanting to see someone, she recommended hers to me.

[fray718]

Uh no. They've been together now 3 months, by my estimate.

 

If you count how I cancelled our first date (at the very last minute with him already waiting for me at the resturaant) and how I made him wait for another 2 weeks before our rescheduled first date then yea, it's 3 months. But it's only been 2 months since our first official date. Ugh, all the crap he went through for me.

 

So back to the 'the one' statement, should I even bring it up again? I didn't specifically mention it when we got back together on Friday but I did tell him stuff like i want us to always be together. Is that sufficient? Or do I really have to acknowledge it more directly? Thing is, after I told him he's not the one on that Wed, he froze and the look on his face was just . He didn't say a word afterward and I walked away.

 

By the way, he did txt me back last night at 11:45pm....the usual time he wakes up from his sleep. Then this morning he called me and I was in the shower so he left me voicemail...just asking where/when i'd be at/off work or something but I couldn't really tell what he was saying cuz of static. I called him back (though in his VM he did say he'd be in training until noon or so). He didnt pick up so I left him a VM to tell him to call me back.

 

I think he's maybe trying as well. I had told him that day before we broke up that I like it when he calls me even if it's just to say hi for 5 minutes or even if it's just a quick 'how r u doing' text. When we were getting back together, I did tell him that I feel vulnerable because I feel so strongly for him and I lost my V to him and I don't know if he feels the same way. So maybe he's calling me also to reassure me that he does like me.

Edited January 29, 2008 by fray718

[Star Gazer]

I think the intensity of your emotions probably freaks him out just as much as the flip-flopping does. Just drop it for now.

[fray718]

I think the intensity of your emotions probably freaks him out just as much as the flip-flopping does. Just drop it for now.

 

You're right. I should just drop it and try to make things normalize again.

[Kamille]

Can't help but notice that you're at the three month mark... [winks at Stargazer]. Last month, at our 3 month mark, I put bf through hell. I don't know what happens at the 3 month mark, but I think it's where infatuation starts giving way to reality.

 

Anyways, two things:

I am thinking, from this here and other posts, that you might be a worrywart. Maybe you feel that worrying and analysing his actions in detail is a way for you to control your fear of losing him. But overanalysing only brings more worries. Believe me, I overanalyze everything and the best thing I have learned to do is to let somethings slide and allow things, like him regaining trust in you, to run their course.

 

I don't think your relationship is doomed, but I do think you will need to give both you and him some time before the two of you are back on solid relationship ground. It sounds like your desire for security right now making you feel and think things that aren't there - or aren't perticularly helpful. such as:

 

 

 

I'm sure all his friends (esp the ones who saw me drunk that one night and passed out!) are telling him that I'm not into him, that i'm using him and i'm not worth it and they are prob telling him to let me go. I mean this time i'm the so called 'bad person' in the situation. No one has sympathy for the 'bad' one....yet I feel as much fear and hurt (due to those 3 things I listed in my first post about him that changed) as ever right now. This is the first time I've been the dumper as opposed to the dumpee and boy does it still hurt and suck as well.

 

I think what you posted here is pure conjecture on your part. I'm guessing you are projecting onto his friends your own negative thoughts about 1) being drunk in public 2) being the 'bad person'. I actually think what you are stating here is how disapointed you are in yourself in contrast with the image you would like to project. I think what is happening is that you are at the three month mark: the point where it becomes impossible to maintain an ideal image of each other but where the real discoveries begin - about love and each other and being imperfect human beings and how to communicate and become stronger through all of that.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm honestly not sure what to make of this situation. Honestly, I think he's going to lose some trust and security in your relationship..especially because you broke up with him "out of the blue" for a stupid reason. I'm not saying it's not repairable, but I'm sure he's still terrified that you are going to break up with him so he's probably thinking that he's not going to invest a ton in the relationship until he realizes that you are in it for the long haul. This is a common reaction I'd think, and anyone with healthy relationship boundaries would not set themself up to get hurt all over again.

 

You have acknowledged your insecurities and neediness..and you said you are seeking therapy so that is good. As a therapist I know that those things are easily helped by simple solution-focused therapy. I do know how you feel though, I can get insecure with my bf as well, but what I try to tell myself everytime I feel a stab of insecurity is that he really does love me and is committed to our relationship. I do this by looking at some of the wonderful things he does for me, like driving 2 hours to visit me at college, for spending his entire weekend with me, ect. So the insecurity gets reduced by looking at those types of things. However, I don't htink you are going to be able to do that for awhile, because your bf is still going to have "one foot out the door" because of your impulsive break up. He's also probably not real confident in the fact that you refuse to take birth control and don't care about whether or not he is satisfied. You said before you don't care about having great sex..that's not a good attitude to have towards a man you are trying to gain trust back from. Like SG said, it does sound very selfish and unfair..that's not going to make him trust you any faster.

 

What I think you need to do is look into the diaphram. And you need to be more open to compromise if you are going to make your relationship work. It's not just you anymore, it's the two of you. I think think you may want to slow things down like comments about marriage and children. 2 months is WAY too soon to talk about that. And no talk about "the one" or anything. Just let it go for now. If he brings something like that up, just casually say "well we don't have to talk about that right now." You talking about it too, might freak him out and he may feel pressure and neediness from you.

[fray718]

Honestly, I'm feeling really emotionally messed up right now. On one hand, I'm kicking myself for making the impulsive move of breaking up with him without thinking things through and I'm so scared that right now he'd just leave me. At the same time, I'm still mad at his comments and I wonder if he's currently worth all this craziness I'm going through. Yet I don't want to let him go cuz I have feelings for him. I returned his call back within 45 mins this morning and I explicitly ended the call with 'give me a call back.' His training seminar has already been over for 2 hours now and still no return call. I feel so helpless and anxious right now. Ugh. Terrible.

[twice_shy]

For those who read my post 'Disappointed in my bf =(' you will all know that I broke up with my bf on Wed night then asked to get back with him on Friday. I told him that I will work really hard to change and I told him to 'trust me'...he said 'i'll try.' He told me that he's going to need a few days to recover from what happened and that he won't be 100% for some time with me. I told him that's fine and it makes sense and that I'm sorry if I hurt him. I told him for those 2 days we were apart that I couldn't stop thinking about him. I told him not to leave me and that I want us to always be together.

 

But thing is, I don't know if he can trust me again and feel for me again like before.

 

I'd say you are correct. You told him when you broke up with him that he wasn't the one for you. Then days later you decide differently? No wonder he needs time. But if he were to truly step back and think, he'd remember what you said and think to himself, "she didn't think i was the one a few days ago, why would she feel any different now?"

 

I think maybe you need to grow up a little before deciding what you want.

[Lauriebell82]

Honestly, I'm feeling really emotionally messed up right now. On one hand, I'm kicking myself for making the impulsive move of breaking up with him without thinking things through and I'm so scared that right now he'd just leave me. At the same time, I'm still mad at his comments and I wonder if he's currently worth all this craziness I'm going through. Yet I don't want to let him go cuz I have feelings for him. I returned his call back within 45 mins this morning and I explicitly ended the call with 'give me a call back.' His training seminar has already been over for 2 hours now and still no return call. I feel so helpless and anxious right now. Ugh. Terrible.

 

Maybe he is doing someting else. Did he tell he was he was going to call RIGHT AFTER the training seminar? If not, then maybe he is busy, or just tired from being at a seminar all day. You have to try to relax. Just because he doesn't call you the minute he gets done doing something doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. And when he calls you back please don't give him a hard time for not calling earlier. In my rule book, if a man is calling you then he is still interested. And if he is your bf, then youa re going to have to stop getting paranoid and pissed when he doesnt' call you right away. Distract yourself by doing something else.

[fray718]

Maybe he is doing someting else. Did he tell he was he was going to call RIGHT AFTER the training seminar? If not, then maybe he is busy, or just tired from being at a seminar all day. You have to try to relax. Just because he doesn't call you the minute he gets done doing something doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. And when he calls you back please don't give him a hard time for not calling earlier. In my rule book, if a man is calling you then he is still interested. And if he is your bf, then youa re going to have to stop getting paranoid and pissed when he doesnt' call you right away. Distract yourself by doing something else.

 

Oh gosh I just got a txt from him saying that the seminar actually went up until 2:30 (as opposed to 12:30) and right now the time here in the west coast is 3pm. So he txted me 30 mins after the seminar! He gave me a smiley face and asked me how I am.

 

I'm normally not as paranoid, but it's been less than a week since we broke up n got back together and I'm still scared sh*tless. I'm never pissed about these things...I'm actually not that pissy type...instead I go into depression, I feel sad and disappointed, and just become melancholy when certain things happen.

[fray718]

What bothers me most rite now is that on myspace he is still listed as 'single' -- he didn't change it back yet.

 

He has not returned to committing to me yet. =(