bradford Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Hey all, Been dating/"going steady w/" this girl for about 6 months now. She's a great girl all around and we generally have a good time together. However, over the past couple of months, my feelings towards her have slowly changed a bit. It's not like I don't still like her, but I don't know, maybe it's just the honeymoon period over, but I perhaps don't feel as strongly as I did maybe the first few months. We don't fight and get along fine, but I can't help but think something might be missing. Though there's been no exchange of the word "love" (i'm not throwing that word around again ), but on the other hand we are considered a couple. The problem is, over the last month or two, as a result of my slowly changing outlook, I've started to feel as if I might be wasting her time. She's clearly the get married/have kids type (we're both early 30s), and I'm still not sure I am. So, over the past couple of weeks, I've actually considered maybe ending it with her. Like I said, we have a good time together and there's really nothing wrong with the relationship other than me thinking what I've been thinking, so it's almost like I feel like I just want to be single/alone for a while, or what we're doing simply isn't working for me. I did meet her only a few months after a 3+ year relationship (and 2 weeks before the X even moved out), but I insisted at the time that it wasn't a problem, and I believed it - am I suffering whiplash from that? Anyway, the real problem is that I am absolutely terrible @ breaking up. It's not a stretch to say that I simply can't do it. I don't want to hurt the girl, I really don't. It's sad really. My last relationship probably went on 2 years longer than it should have simply because I didn't want (or couldn't!) to hurt the girl and tell her my true feelings, so I swallowed hard. Over that time, I battled with the thoughts every day. When it was finally all over, I felt reborn. Perhaps a part of me thinks I just might be beginning a journey down a similar road again. I know you will all just tell me to be honest with her and just tell her the truth, but that in itself is the problem. It will appear so out of left field to her that I really don't even know how to even bring it up. I don't want to blindside the girl. It's just terrible. I guess I'm a coward when it comes to that sort of thing. Any thoughts appreciated!
oppath Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I know you will all just tell me to be honest with her and just tell her the truth, but that in itself is the problem. It will appear so out of left field to her that I really don't even know how to even bring it up. I don't want to blindside the girl. It's just terrible. I guess I'm a coward when it comes to that sort of thing. Any thoughts appreciated! Part of being honest is telling her that you understand how out of left field it is to her, but you've been thinking about it for a few weeks. She'll likely feel like she was a rebound. Validate that. Tell her "I feel bad because I did not use you as my rebound, but I know it probably comes off that way given the timing." Tell her "I could give you reasons, but they would be excuses that wouldn't hold up a couple months later. I like you, but my gut feelings says that we aren't quite the right people for each other. It's not fair for me to keep dating you, because I want you to heal and move on and find someone who can love you fiercely. I don't feel I am that person and I don't feel my feelings will grow more strong." Put yourself in her shoes. Script out what you would want to be told in this situation. You are not a bad person for breaking up with her. However, if you aren't honest and if you don't handle this with integrity, it may affect her deeply. You do need to tell her "my feelings for you have changed; I don't feel we are right for each other." Why? Because the quicker she can accept that, the more quickly she can heal and move on. So don't say "I'm not ready for a relationship; I need to be on my own and be single" because she'll either conclude there is another woman involved, that she was a rebound, or worst case, she'll be your friend or be friend with benefits with the ulterior motive that you'll come back around.
backspn Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 How long have you had these feelings? It is completely normal to have them for a month or so. Some call it the uncertainty phase. Alot of people come out of this with feelings stronger for the SO. If you have only been doubting yourself for a month then I would give it a couple more weeks, thats if you still have feelings for her. If not then there is no easy way to breakup. Someone is bound to get hurt. The best thing is, if you know she is definitely not the right one for you is to end it before she gets in too deep and falls in love with you. Hope you do the right thing for you, either way you choose.
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 It's not like I don't still like her, but I don't know, maybe it's just the honeymoon period over, but I perhaps don't feel as strongly as I did maybe the first few months. In the beginning, feelings are pretty damn intense. I do believe you're coming out of the honeymoon period, and thinking something is missing. But are you sure something's missing? Or have things just evolved as they should? You're replacing novelty with comfort - but that's what a real relationship is about. I wouldn't be too hasty in ending it. In addition: How long have you had these feelings? It is completely normal to have them for a month or so. Some call it the uncertainty phase. Alot of people come out of this with feelings stronger for the SO. I agree. Every relationship goes through this phase, and for many, their feelings wind up stronger after this phase is over. For some it's a blip, for others its like Everest. Either way, it is a phase. Have you already gone through it completely, and you know that you're on the other side of the hill and you still don't want to be on this journey?
Author bradford Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 thanks for the advice also oppath. Makes a lot of sense, just actually pulling the trigger is the nearly insurmountable thing in my head. it sucks. How long have you had these feelings? It is completely normal to have them for a month or so. Some call it the uncertainty phase. Alot of people come out of this with feelings stronger for the SO. mm, probably about a month, maybe a little more. I do still have feelings for her, and I suppose you could call it uncertainty. There are times where I feel like I'm getting "over the hump" so to speak, and then there's others that I don't. So I don't know.
Author bradford Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 In the beginning, feelings are pretty damn intense. I do believe you're coming out of the honeymoon period, and thinking something is missing. But are you sure something's missing? Or have things just evolved as they should? You're replacing novelty with comfort - but that's what a real relationship is about. I wouldn't be too hasty in ending it. No, I'm not sure something is missing. I'm also not sure if I want comfort or novelty. And yeah, I see what you are saying, perhaps I just got an Everest - but trust me, me and breaking up is never hasty anyway. In addition: Have you already gone through it completely, and you know that you're on the other side of the hill and you still don't want to be on this journey? That's a great question. Thanks for the advice.
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