car2007 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I received some advice on here a while back on my situation, which I won't go into now. This plus input from a mental health counselor and friends has convinced me that I'm now in the uncomfortable position of having to tell a woman I've been with for about a year now (about 9+ months of being exclusive) that I need to end our relationship. I love her but I'm afraid that my priorities have changed, or, at least come into better focus, and I'm no longer sure she is the one I want to spend my life with. I think that not because we don't get along; on the contrary, we get along great and have a lot of fun. But she wants all of me and she wants to eventually live together and I'm afraid this, if it were to happen, would not be the bowl of cherries she is imagining it would be. I have a child that needs me more than her and, although she respects that, let's just say she has trouble with my ex's role in my life as it relates to my kid. That's cool, I don't hold it against her, but I can see this is going to be a continuing problem that she will not get over. I'm not getting back with the ex by the way. Anyway, that and other personality conflicts I see just throw up some red flags for me. I'm very easy going and really hate conflict and do what I can to avoid it, which is probably why she still thinks we're a perfect match. She really seems to depend on me for emotional and just daily support. We had at one time called each other soulmates and I know she still feels this way. That's what is going to make having the break-up talk with her sooo bad. Not that she can't get along without me, but I know from what she's told me of past boyfriends that she really puts me on a pedestal. I depended on her, too, as I was going through some rough times. I really did think we would always be together, but I now see that it just isn't in the cards. To complicate matters we work in the same office and will need to continue to see each other every day. Please, no bumper sticker slogans (Don't sh*t where you eat!). I've heard it and am looking for something a little more thoughtful. Anybody here had a similar experience? How did you break it off when you realized you had changed your idea of what you wanted your life to be or that you and she/he were not quite the amazingly compatible couple you once thought you were? How did the gf/bf take it? Were you able to remain friends? Thanks.
backspn Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 There is no easy way after a year of dating. Someone will get hurt. Since you have found the truth that she is not the one for you then you need to end it. When you leave a relationship with an open heart, you will enter your next one the same way and vise versa. Im sure you know that you need someone that compliments you, not in words, but that makes you a better person. Someone that brings out the best in you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Good luck to you.
Author car2007 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Thanks for your thoughts backspn. I know this is something I just have to do, but it will be hard. No surprise there I guess. I know there is no easy answer or way to break up with someone. I guess I was just looking for some solidarity! Any had a similar experience they can share?
sedgwick Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Okay, let me say first that it sounds like you've got a pretty good girlfriend, and I have a feeling you might regret it if you let her go. There are always issues but these sound pretty workable. Does any part of you love her? Are you still attracted to her? It sounds largely like fear of commitment on your part. That said, there's no good way to do it. She's going to be crushed and you have to be willing to completely lose her from your life. No, you probably can't be friends. If you're willing to totally and completely let her go, you have to deal with the fact that you're going to have to break her heart in order to get what you want.
Author car2007 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 I know, she is special, there's no doubt about that. As I said, that's what makes it very hard to break up with her. But as backspn pointed out you should be with someone who makes you a better person or who brings out the best in you, and I'm not feeling that with her. I thought I did earlier in our relationship because of how good I was feeling inside, but I think that was the rush we all feel when we're with someone new. In fact I think I may have become a worse person. Not when I'm with her, but with others in my life, and that's not good. I've allowed myself to become obsessed with my own needs and her needs to the detriment of my kid and others in my family.
sandflea Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I was recently in a similar situation, although it sounds as if you two were/are closer than we were. We'd had several fights, and so I think both of us were anticipating some kind of catharsis at some point. As for me, I anguished over the decision because I respect her as a fellow runner, as a professional, and as a beautiful woman. Having said that... It starts with a talk. Honestly, I'd do it in private. Be honest, and expect to have to stand your ground. It's not a debate. For me, since the big "event" - it has been awquard, because we bought a house together, anticipating our future. We still live under the same roof, and we've still had to compromise on things like cleaning, etc - while we try to sell the house. We've still done a few things together like going running, and sharing meals and chores. It's weird, but in many ways, now that the pressure is off, we're getting along MUCH better than we did as lovers. We may, in time, be friends. Only time will tell. All you can do is your best. Try to be gentle, but if things get out of hand, you'll need to be ready to leave, and follow your own heart. Good luck, and I'm sorry it didn't work out. Bear in mind that sometimes we have second thoughts ...
Author car2007 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Thanks Sandflea for your comments, especially about standing your ground. I have a tendency to cave when someone else's feelings are at stake, putting more importance on how they feel than how I feel. Goes with the whole conflict avoidance thing I guess. Best of luck to you in your situation.
sedgwick Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Having a kid thrown into the situation makes things even tougher, I'm sure. But you're doing the right thing by keeping your child's best interests at heart.
Recommended Posts