Heeeeelp!!!!!

[outofdarkness]

Hey ya'll.

Some of you might remember be as posting on OW and infidelity forums quite often as outofdarkness. Well...this time, it's about my Son. He was very ill last year...In and out of the hospital 5 or 6 times. Finally, he turned the corner and is now doing very well..physically that is. He is making up for lost time in the social arena. He's been caught drinking, smoking cigarettes and pot, and most recently, i found some leftover pain pills of mine in his room. I had an appendectomy last fall and had forgotten that I had them. I've also smelled incense on occasion and sometimes when he leaves the house, he smells like he's been actually working at the cologne factory!!! Also, on his Facebook and Myspace, he has joined quite a few "pro" pot groups. I've also seen quite a bit of "drug jargon" on these profiles. He sleeps ALL the time and continues to miss alot of school. We recently had to withdraw him from the private school that he was attending due to fear that he would face expulsion.

 

How do I know for sure? He has had issues w/ anxiety and depression and does take meds for this, so wouldn't a drug test be inaccurate? We do have the resources to send him to a top notch rehab facility if necessary. I just don't want to wake up and find that he's in some REAL trouble or...worst. Do I go w/ my gut feeling or wait until I have some more hard evidence? I've done much research online about teens and drug abuse and according to every site that I've been to, he shows almost all of the signs of abuse. They all pretty much give the same signs...He was even falling asleep in class regularly. He stays up all night, has been caught a few times sneaking out, and tells us regularly that there's nothing we can do. After feeling like I was losing him due to his illness last year, I am now at a loss as to which direction to go in. My head is..."spinning". Any advice. As usual, all replies are welcome as long as they are kept on topic and respectful...Thanks and hey everyone! It's good to be back!

[amaysngrace]

I think I must have missed where you and he talked about his doing drugs and your suspicions that are leading you to believe that he is.

 

If he is going to get help it would certainly be useful for him to first admit he has a problem. What's going to happen if you just throw his butt into rehab based on suspicions but haven't had a conversation with him about cleaning up his act on his own?

 

I think you guys need to talk.

[lovelorcet]

How old is he?

 

The urine test for pot are pretty specific so it does not matter what else he is take.

 

But to be honest I would not go with this route right away. You should try to start to open a dialog with your son about this. It seems his pot use could just be a symptom of other issues going on.

 

I did a lot of that stuff growing up and I found that the more my parents squeezed me the more I rebelled.

[outofdarkness]

He is 15 and yes, we have had conversations about our suspicions. I do realize that the more we push, the more he pulls away..This is the nature of the beast so to speak, at this age. At this point, I am the most concerned about his violent outbursts..I too, experimented, as most of us did as teens...It's his genetic code and history of depression and anxiety that have me so very worried about his vulnerabilty to drug abuse. Also, I've heard so man people say that they did the rehab thing early on BEFORE it gets WAY out of hand to.."nip it in the bud so to speak"...Hope that helps provide more insight. Thanks for the feedback!

[lovelorcet]

It's his genetic code and history of depression and anxiety that have me so very worried about his vulnerabilty to drug abuse.

 

I would agree that this is the issue at hand. Unfortunately we can't change our genes so he is just going to have to play the hand he got dealt.

 

You said that he is already on medication for his anxiety? At the age of 15? Why is that?

 

Another thing would be to try and get him involved in spending time doing stuff that would not leave him with much of an opportunity to get high. Something he likes to do and is fun for him.

[outofdarkness]

I would agree that this is the issue at hand. Unfortunately we can't change our genes so he is just going to have to play the hand he got dealt.

 

You said that he is already on medication for his anxiety? At the age of 15? Why is that?

 

Another thing would be to try and get him involved in spending time doing stuff that would not leave him with much of an opportunity to get high. Something he likes to do and is fun for him.

He's on anxiety and depression meds short term because he was seriously ill last year requiring 6 hospitalizations..After being so sick, he became depressed and sort of traumatized about the whole thing...I've been told that this is normal after a serious illness, most especially for teens.

 

Thanks for the advice about getting him involved in some activities..It's taking awhile for him to catch up in school, but we had discussed this and he has taken a real interest in photography..We hope to expound on this and also get him working out so that he can regain some of the strength that he lost due to being so ill. Thanks again.

[Zolie]

Once again I find myself saying "wow, I could have written your post word for word." I hate to sound like a broken record, but yeah, btdt...

 

I am compelled to tell you my story, because I feel pretty confident that getting my 15 year old son into rehab asap - as in within 48 hours of learning about his methamphetamine use - was the key to getting him back on track. He is 18 now and while he still has other issues, including depression, he IS 100% drug free now.

 

I discovered the meth use on a Sunday evening when I came home from being out of town, and found him cowering in his room, peeking out of the blinds, certain the cops were coming to get him. I was stunned. I had never seen him like this. Prior to this, he was the star forward on his school's basketball team and was a good student. He was my "good" child.

 

I had no idea what methamphetamine was - didn't even know how to spell it back then - and didn't have a clue what was wrong with my son that evening. I called my daughter, his older sister, to come help me with his bizarre behavior. She knew instantly what was going on, and the two of us stayed up with him all night while he came down from the meth high, and the severe paranoia caused by the high. It was the worst night of my life. Or so I thought.

 

Next day, Monday, I stayed home from work and started making phone calls to the insurance agency to get rehab facility referrals. The only one that would take him was 60 miles away and was and in-house facility, but was not a lock down, but it was the only choice I had. We made an appointment for the following day, Tuesday, for an assessment.

 

He, and his father and I drove to the appointment, which lasted an hour. At the end of which they recommended admitting our son - right then. I was stunned. We hadn't even brought clothes or toiletries for him. But, they said if we took him home with us, chances were that he would talk us out of bringing him back. I knew they were right, so with him yelling and cursing us, and me sobbing uncontrollably, we left him there. THAT was the worst day of my life.

 

The next day I drove back alone, taking clothes and toiletries and a roll of quarters for him. The quarters were locked up, but were available to him when he was allowed to make calls from a list of "safe" names I had provided. I was horrified to discover I didn't even know which of his friends were "safe" to put on the list. In the end, I only listed us, his family, and two friends whom I was 99% certain were not into drugs.

 

When I walked into his room, he glared at me and said if I wasn't there to take him home, then to just leave. I did just that. I told him I loved him and I turned around and left.

 

5 minutes after I left, he bolted. As I mentioned, the facility was not a lock down, so he was free to walk out. In that event, the facility rules were to notify the parents who could then notify the police. I did exactly that, and then turned around and went back. The police found him shortly, in a gas station trying to get the attendant to let him use their phone - I presume to call a drug friend to pick him up.

 

The next two hours were the second most horrendous day of my life. He and I cried and talked and sobbed and talked and he begged and I begged, and it was horrifying. It makes me tear up even now.

 

He finally agreed to stick it out for the agreed upon 3 weeks. (all the insurance would pay) For the next 3 weeks we drove down twice a week on visiting family day and visited him. The first week he was rude and belligerent to us. The second week was better. The third week he started to come around. But, we figured out he was just doing what we wanted so he could get out.

 

So, we made the decision to keep him in longer, at our expense. He was furious, but he succumbed. And he "graduated" from there 6 weeks later.

 

I won't say the next couple of years were a piece of cake, but he never did meth again. The drug counselors there told us they feel certain the reason the rehab worked so quickly and so well on him, was because we did not waste any time getting him into a facility after we found out. They said it is VERY common for users to convince their family members that they can quit on their own, and family members believe it, because we want to.

 

They also said the fact that I did not allow his tears and begging, the day he bolted, to sway me to take him home, was also key. My son told me later that calling the cops on him that night was a shock to him, and he never expected me to do it, but the fact that I did, convinced him I meant business.

 

Like I said, he has suffered from bouts of depression, and has not even graduated from school yet; he should have graduated in 2007. He lives with me now, works part time, and goes to school part time. I hope, hope, hope he will graduate this May. But he IS drug free. I know this 100%. He is also an advocate against drugs.

 

The point of my long story, outofdarkness, is to tell you to get your son in rehab asap. It is the only hope. It doesn't work for everyone, but they say it works on the younger ones, if it is done in the early stages of the abuse.

 

PLEASE keep us posted.

Edited January 29, 2008 by Zolie

[Zolie]

I left out a lot of the drama with my son over the last 3 years, for brevity sake, but I wanted to add that it was not as easy and as quick as it sounds like. After he was discharged, there were months of out-patient sessions at the facility and then months of voluntary NA meetings. It took longer than the aforementioned 6 weeks in-house rehab to get him clean. But, that was the starting point.

Edited January 29, 2008 by Zolie

[whichwayisup]

Is your son also seeking therapy? Maybe talking to a professional, someone whom he connects with and can trust will help.

 

Anyway, I feel for you. I hope things get better soon.

[lovelorcet]

Whoa...

 

Ok to clarify, my point of view was coming from the assumption that the OP sons drug use was alcohol and smoking pot.

 

I fully agree that if one were to find their child using meth then they should throw them into rehab ASAP.

[outofdarkness]

Well..I appreciate everyone's posts. As far as I know, he has not used meth, but I firmly believe that when people are genetically predisposed to addiction, it's only a matter of time before one drug leads to anther and things quickly escalate to the point of no return. I am a recovering alcohoiic and my H is a recovering sex addict. Addictions are rampant on both sides of the family. Our son seems to get addicted to anything that gives him pleasure, whether it's a video game or shoes when he was so young. He definatly has that personality, and I am concerned enough to on guard and ready to end him to rehab at any time. We have decided to watch him carefully for a few weeks, and give him random drug tests. He does not know this, as that would defeat the purpose.

He just started a new public school, where drugs and readily available and temptations will be high, so I expect to know one way or the other pretty soon. I do have a question for you all. In discussing drug tests w/ a friend, she told me that shrooms and lsd do not show up on drug tests..Is this true, and if so is there any way to test for these things. Also, is it true that a little bleach on the finger will enable someone to pass a drug test? I know NOTHING about this stuff, as I drank and smoked pot on occasion in COLLEGE!!! This other stuff is so new and frightening to me.

 

Again, I really appreciate the feedback. Keep in coming...and thanks for sharing your story zolie!

[Zolie]

As far as I know, he has not used meth, but I firmly believe that when people are genetically predisposed to addiction, it's only a matter of time before one drug leads to anther and things quickly escalate to the point of no return.

 

Exactly. During the family counseling sessions we learned my son had also been smoking pot and drinking alcohol for a year before the meth incident. We had no idea. We did know of one incident where he and a couple of other boys got into the liquor cabinet at one of the boys' houses, and drank so much they were violently ill, but we thought that was an isolated incident. Ha! Just another example of naive parents sticking their heads in the sand. We truly had no idea what was going on.

 

Fortunately, though, we discovered the meth use within a month of when he started using it. As I mentioned, the drug counselors told us they believed his successful recovery was due to the fact we did not wait, once we found out. I don't know that I would have thrown him into rehab that quickly had I found out about the pot earlier. Probably not, because I would have thought it was "harmless". But, if I had found out about it, and had thrown him in rehab, he might not have escalated to meth.

 

I think the key here, is how young your son is. Most college students and adults who smoke pot, are wise enough not to move on to more detrimental drugs. But, a 15 year old boy who is not yet wise enough, combined with being just brave enough to think he is invincible, will be curious enough to try the next level. That's what disturbs me about pot use in young people.

 

For awhile after his discharge, my son still claimed pot was "okay". I argued that with him until I was blue in the face. He was dead set against the meth, because he saw what it did to him and the other kids in the facility, but he still thought he could handle pot. 2 years after his rehab, he went through a 3 month downward spiral where he lost his job, was suspended from school, and lost his "good" girlfriend, preferring a new girl who would do pot with him. He was not living with me at that point, and he was 2 months shy of his 18th birthday, so I couldn't control him. BUT, he pulled himself out of that hellhole by himself, and is now completely and totally against drugs of any kind. He says even pot is not worth the trouble it causes. I am more than relieved, as you can imagine.

 

Also, is it true that a little bleach on the finger will enable someone to pass a drug test?

 

I wish I knew what to tell you about that. I highly doubt it. I do know that pot can show up on drug tests for 30 days after a person has smoked it. Everything else leaves the person's system within 48 hours or so (don't quote me on that one) but pot lingers.

 

Back when this all started with my son I found a forum similar to LS, dedicated to parents with troubled kids. I can't remember the exact name, but if you research parenting forums on Google, I'm sure you will find it. The folks there will probably have answers for you regarding drug tests.

 

Good luck.

[dropdeadlegs]

ood, I'm not sure I have relevant advice, but I would like to share my observations. Depression is a strange beast. I have suffered depression most of my life. The crazy thing about the use of pot and alcohol, is that both are central nervous system depressants, so no matter how many anti-d meds you take, they are counteracted by this type of drug use. I do think some people are predisposed to both depression and addiction. While these afflictions can be controlled, they cannot be cured. I also believe that pot use can trigger use of more dangerous substances in the future, especially with teenagers. It doesn't always, but it can.

 

What scares me with depressed people is that they will try something with a more "up" change in their state of mind. Meth and crack quickly come to mind. These substances give a temporary lift to sad spirits, but are highly addictive and difficult to shake. My ex H is currently in rehab for crack addiction (at age 43) and I believe he has been depressed for many years. He used to smoke pot and drink, but the high from smoking crack really grabbed him by the balls, apparently. He has tried to quit and recently admitted defeat over the lure of the high (versus his normal lows.)

 

I'm not sure what to do, but I do classify a highly addictive drug like meth in a different way than pot. I think of pot more in the way I think of alcohol, that it can be used responsibly or irresponsibly. However with an addictive personality there may not be such a thing as responsible use of any mind/emotion altering substance.

 

No matter what, pot is illegal and has ramifications that can affect life in a n unpleasant way.

 

Rehab can be very effective for someone desiring it. It takes more than a short stint to gain the knowledge and power to deal with an incurable condition since temptation will always be there. It's hard work that involves a lifetime of changes.

 

While your son's initial depression may have been situational, and might continue to be now, it might also be a lifelong condition. Learning to recognize the signs and how to prevent falling into the pits of depression is something best discovered at an early age. Drug use and depression seem to go hand in hand. Which is the chicken and which is the egg is a topic of great debate.

 

Good luck in dealing with this. It's all too common and there are so many sad stories. Easy/quick solutions are the exception.

 

Parenting can be so hard at times! I wish you and your son the best.

[blind_otter]

In discussing drug tests w/ a friend, she told me that shrooms and lsd do not show up on drug tests..Is this true, and if so is there any way to test for these things. Also, is it true that a little bleach on the finger will enable someone to pass a drug test? I know NOTHING about this stuff, as I drank and smoked pot on occasion in COLLEGE!!! This other stuff is so new and frightening to me.

 

Again, I really appreciate the feedback. Keep in coming...and thanks for sharing your story zolie!

 

Shrooms and LSD will not show up on a normal drug screen. They can be tested for, yes, but those tests are prohibitively expensive. (see http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/lsd/lsd_testing.shtml).

 

The bleach thing is an urban legend. There are things you can take to mask your urine, though. And there is always urine you can buy online, or fake urine. Back in the day I knew all the tricks....

 

I don't know what to tell you...I struggled with drugs and alcohol myself, but I couldn't say what to do to prevent their use. I plan on being honest with my kid about my experiences, though.

[outofdarkness]

SOOOO much for all of the info and support! I have posted an initial post on a parenting forum but have not received any replies thus far. I knew I could count on my LS friends for advice and support.

 

I have to be quick now, but will be back on later. I did want to comment on Zolie's latest post. You son sounds just like mine. He was so weak and sick for so long, that I really haven't seen how his personality has developed. He will argue with anyone willing about how pot should be legalized...It goes on 4 EVER!!!! In the end..the bottom line is that it is illegal NOW..Every time I say it, it's like it goes in one ear and right out the other. Also, his new argument is that shrooms are ok b/c they are "natural"...Can you all hear me SCREAMING? It's maddening.

 

I'll be bk on later..thanks for the advice and the link..ood

[dropdeadlegs]

Pot is natural. Opiates are natural. Coco beans are natural. Depending on how you view distillation of corn and rye; alcohol is natural.

 

Yeah, I hear ya screaming!

[Zolie]

I did want to comment on Zolie's latest post. You son sounds just like mine.

 

Yep, I know, yours sounds like mine, too, that's why I was so compelled to post to you. I can seriously hear your son telling you pot should be legalized, because I heard the same thing from my son many, many times. I even picture your son looking just like my son, lol. Skinny, wearing baggy pants, a t-shirt, a beanie, and shaggy hair, right?

 

He was so weak and sick for so long, that I really haven't seen how his personality has developed.

 

Mine wasn't physically sick like yours, but he was aware of the problems in mine and his father's marriage even at the tender age of 10, and that caused him some serious mental stress for the next 6 years, until I finally left the marriage, when he was 16. (one of the reasons I didn't leave my marriage sooner, was because my son would become physically ill and throw up when he thought about us splitting up. I couldn't do that do him that young, so I waited as long as I could) Point being, I'm sure the dysfunction in our family is part of what caused him to turn to drugs for relief.

 

Sigh - what happened to that white picket fence, happily ever after marriage and family I grew up believing existed?

[outofdarkness]

Yep, I know, yours sounds like mine, too, that's why I was so compelled to post to you. I can seriously hear your son telling you pot should be legalized, because I heard the same thing from my son many, many times. I even picture your son looking just like my son, lol. Skinny, wearing baggy pants, a t-shirt, a beanie, and shaggy hair, right?

 

 

 

Mine wasn't physically sick like yours, but he was aware of the problems in mine and his father's marriage even at the tender age of 10, and that caused him some serious mental stress for the next 6 years, until I finally left the marriage, when he was 16. (one of the reasons I didn't leave my marriage sooner, was because my son would become physically ill and throw up when he thought about us splitting up. I couldn't do that do him that young, so I waited as long as I could) Point being, I'm sure the dysfunction in our family is part of what caused him to turn to drugs for relief.

 

Sigh - what happened to that white picket fence, happily ever after marriage and family I grew up believing existed?

Well..it was a myth! LOL...and yes, you almost described my son to a t!! I am certain that the strain of having my marriage fall apart and watching ME fall apart affected him in every way, including physically. His illness started w/ mono and progressed into some very serious and nasty complications including persitant problems with his spleen and swollen lymph nodes in his abdomin. All caused excruciating pain, nausea and vomiting. Finally, a GI doc got the right combo of antibiotics, anti nausea and pain so that he could begin to get better and regain the 40lbs that he lost. There is NO doubt in my mind that there is a definate mind/body connection. I believe that living under constant duress and stress can actually predispose someone to illness. So, it's been a job trying to reduce our stress level and get everyone the help that they need. Things have calmed down alot, but we still have much work to do.

 

Thanks for the advice again. As far as these substances being "natural"..Well...Yeah, they are, but they're also illegal and can really mess w/ your brain. My H did all sorts of messed up stuff in college, and I often wonder if this has anything to do w/ his problems. Well..IDK..I think he's just a serial cheater who loves sex! LOL...and well..just an ass sometimes...

[Zolie]

There is NO doubt in my mind that there is a definate mind/body connection. I believe that living under constant duress and stress can actually predispose someone to illness.

 

I agree. And I just realized that although I said my son was not physically ill like your son, mine is sick with upper respiratory infections and stomach upsets, waaaaay more than any teenager should be. Even though he is clean now, he has been experiencing some conflict with his current girlfriend and I know that contributes to his physical well being. Apparently he is a "Sensitive" and any strife in his life does not bode well with him.

 

I know things will be hard for you for the next few years, while you try to help your son become a man. They are such sweet little boys until they become 15 or so, lol. I wish strength to you. Just try to stay one step ahead of him! He needs to know you are going to be in his face about his poor choices. He won't like it one bit, but he needs to know it.