VnusMars Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 If I type it out maybe it will start to make more sense... My girlfriend and I have been together 9 months today. Prior to that, we were both in other relationships but the best of friends (and purely platonic friends, too). I had been married when I first met her, lost touch with her, got divorced in the meantime, and then after the divorce reconnected as friends for a few years while we each dated others. I do admit that I loved her before I would admit it, and once I did, I broke up with the girl I'd been dating and spent a few months single before I said anything to her = and actually, I didn't make the first move, she did! I finally felt like I had started a relationship the right way - we already knew each other, and on a very real level, since we hadn't put up the fronts we often put up when dating someone - we got to know each other on an open and honest level. We're extremely compatible, and share many common interests and passions (we're both musicians and we play in various groups together). We also share a fairly positive life view and a sense that we are all responsible for ourselves, we can't own the thoughts/feelings of another, and no one can MAKE us happy. We also believe that a real relationship is two healthy individuals choosing to be together, without dependencies and fear. We started talking about marriage after about 4 months, and were excited to do so - we tentatively planned to get engaged over the holidays when we were back East with her family. In October, she asked to delay the engagement. Since then, we haven't talked much about marriage except for a few times where she's made positive and casual remarks about it i.e. "when we have our own house we'll have this and that..." etc. She has had moments where she has expressed fear about having a relatonship like this - she has said "I don't know how to do this" quite a few times - and her relationship past does seem to indicate that she would have some trepidation about committed long-term relationships. We did have some rough times - not relationship wise - in September and again in December right up until now, where she was in poor health and it lingered for weeks on end. I stood by her side and helped her through without complaining or showing frustration, and she appreciated it greatly. The only other serious conversation we've had was in November when she felt I was smothering her somewhat and where she felt like she had put her friends, and her personal time and development on hold, delayed after her work, her health problems, our musical endeavors, and me - she felt like she wasn't in control of her own life, and didn't have time for everything. We agreed to start planning our time together more deliberately, actually making "dates" to spend time together, so that we both had time to fit in everything else we like to do. We've done it a couple of times and it has seemed to work OK. The other big negative in her life lately has been her job - she loves her work but isn't happy at her employer and is trying to figure out how to change that situation. In the midst of all of this, we have had some good times together and have had fun, but definitely things started to decline in September and now they're getting worse, it seems. We had a rough conversation last week about spending time together - she said she hated having to schedule our time and she basically seemed to be stressed about the whole thing - which is odd to me because our Meyers-Briggs are "J" for her and "P" for me, which means she loves to plan and have a list and a schedule! The conversation ended with her basically saying she is "jumbled up" in her head, worries that she's depressed, and was questioning whether or not she wants to be with me. She even made a breakthrough in her career last week, landing a contract that would basically allow her to start transitioning into her own business (a goal she's always had) - she was excited immediately after the interview call but then stated a few days later that she should be more excited but is not. One thing that has diminished is our sex life - we've made love twice in the last 2 months - most of that was due to her health problems, but it's been over 2 weeks now where we haven't for her emotional/mental reasons. Her statements to me lately have been "shouldn't I be excited to be getting married? I'm not." "shouldn't I want to make love to you? I don't feel attraction, passion, I don't feel anything." "I think I don't love you the way you love me." "I'm not sure if I want to be married, committed, etc." One thing she said really struck me as odd - she said "I want this to just be resolved and for us to be happy together" - I asked her why we couldn't have that if we decided to - and she she said "I can't just change the way I feel"... I find that odd because she is the one person I know who is a true proponent of "feelings are not trustworthy, you control your thoughts," and of the idea that "if you put it out there, you'll get it back." She spends every day fostering these concepts, yet she's not applying them to her own life? Granted - she said those things to me yesterday with the caveat that none of those things are clear, that those are the things bouncing around in her head and some or all or none of them may actually be true. She did state that she does love me, is just trying to be honest with me, and she certainly hasn't made any definite statements about separating our lives in any way. She has said she needs some time to sort things out, but hasn't definitively said that means that we should break it off or spend time apart....yet. My primary thought is - why is this happening? We truly have a great relationship, she had no complaints against me directly except that she thinks I need more time with her than she needs with me...we've had no major issues, and I've been nothing but supportive, loving, and flexible. I do wonder if that's part of it - she did say to me yesterday "I think you defer to me too often" - which is true, I often flex to meet her wishes, and she rarely flexes to meet mine - but then again, I'm not standing up and saying "look I need this and that." I wonder if I haven't been too flexible, too easygoing, and it scares her into thinking that I'm just a mindless sheep who will do whatever she says, that I'm not making my own decisions. I don't feel like I've been sacrificing my own desires to accomodate her - yes, I put up with some rough times when she was sick, but to get frustrated and vent to her would have been insensitive and cruel, I think. Now, I'm left with lots of fear and pain that our relationship is crumbling...and feeling helpless that I can do anything to change that course. I've asked her what I can do, she says "I don't know." So... The only things that are keeping my hope alive right now are; 1) We love each other and get along wonderfully, we have no issues between us that need fixing - so the evidence points to us working it out, 2) Her general sadness and mixed-up feelings seem to extend to parts of her life other than just us, 3) She needs to fix those things before we can come together and work on us, 4) She's just coming out of months of health issues and that has to be contributing to her general state of sadness. I hope that I'm right about all of that. Thoughts or suggestions or words of encouragement are welcome.
peace_pipe Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 If I type it out maybe it will start to make more sense... My girlfriend and I have been together 9 months today. Prior to that, we were both in other relationships but the best of friends (and purely platonic friends, too). I had been married when I first met her, lost touch with her, got divorced in the meantime, and then after the divorce reconnected as friends for a few years while we each dated others. I do admit that I loved her before I would admit it, and once I did, I broke up with the girl I'd been dating and spent a few months single before I said anything to her = and actually, I didn't make the first move, she did! I finally felt like I had started a relationship the right way - we already knew each other, and on a very real level, since we hadn't put up the fronts we often put up when dating someone - we got to know each other on an open and honest level. We're extremely compatible, and share many common interests and passions (we're both musicians and we play in various groups together). We also share a fairly positive life view and a sense that we are all responsible for ourselves, we can't own the thoughts/feelings of another, and no one can MAKE us happy. We also believe that a real relationship is two healthy individuals choosing to be together, without dependencies and fear. We started talking about marriage after about 4 months, and were excited to do so - we tentatively planned to get engaged over the holidays when we were back East with her family. In October, she asked to delay the engagement. Since then, we haven't talked much about marriage except for a few times where she's made positive and casual remarks about it i.e. "when we have our own house we'll have this and that..." etc. She has had moments where she has expressed fear about having a relatonship like this - she has said "I don't know how to do this" quite a few times - and her relationship past does seem to indicate that she would have some trepidation about committed long-term relationships. We did have some rough times - not relationship wise - in September and again in December right up until now, where she was in poor health and it lingered for weeks on end. I stood by her side and helped her through without complaining or showing frustration, and she appreciated it greatly. The only other serious conversation we've had was in November when she felt I was smothering her somewhat and where she felt like she had put her friends, and her personal time and development on hold, delayed after her work, her health problems, our musical endeavors, and me - she felt like she wasn't in control of her own life, and didn't have time for everything. We agreed to start planning our time together more deliberately, actually making "dates" to spend time together, so that we both had time to fit in everything else we like to do. We've done it a couple of times and it has seemed to work OK. The other big negative in her life lately has been her job - she loves her work but isn't happy at her employer and is trying to figure out how to change that situation. In the midst of all of this, we have had some good times together and have had fun, but definitely things started to decline in September and now they're getting worse, it seems. We had a rough conversation last week about spending time together - she said she hated having to schedule our time and she basically seemed to be stressed about the whole thing - which is odd to me because our Meyers-Briggs are "J" for her and "P" for me, which means she loves to plan and have a list and a schedule! The conversation ended with her basically saying she is "jumbled up" in her head, worries that she's depressed, and was questioning whether or not she wants to be with me. She even made a breakthrough in her career last week, landing a contract that would basically allow her to start transitioning into her own business (a goal she's always had) - she was excited immediately after the interview call but then stated a few days later that she should be more excited but is not. One thing that has diminished is our sex life - we've made love twice in the last 2 months - most of that was due to her health problems, but it's been over 2 weeks now where we haven't for her emotional/mental reasons. Her statements to me lately have been "shouldn't I be excited to be getting married? I'm not." "shouldn't I want to make love to you? I don't feel attraction, passion, I don't feel anything." "I think I don't love you the way you love me." "I'm not sure if I want to be married, committed, etc." One thing she said really struck me as odd - she said "I want this to just be resolved and for us to be happy together" - I asked her why we couldn't have that if we decided to - and she she said "I can't just change the way I feel"... I find that odd because she is the one person I know who is a true proponent of "feelings are not trustworthy, you control your thoughts," and of the idea that "if you put it out there, you'll get it back." She spends every day fostering these concepts, yet she's not applying them to her own life? Granted - she said those things to me yesterday with the caveat that none of those things are clear, that those are the things bouncing around in her head and some or all or none of them may actually be true. She did state that she does love me, is just trying to be honest with me, and she certainly hasn't made any definite statements about separating our lives in any way. She has said she needs some time to sort things out, but hasn't definitively said that means that we should break it off or spend time apart....yet. My primary thought is - why is this happening? We truly have a great relationship, she had no complaints against me directly except that she thinks I need more time with her than she needs with me...we've had no major issues, and I've been nothing but supportive, loving, and flexible. I do wonder if that's part of it - she did say to me yesterday "I think you defer to me too often" - which is true, I often flex to meet her wishes, and she rarely flexes to meet mine - but then again, I'm not standing up and saying "look I need this and that." I wonder if I haven't been too flexible, too easygoing, and it scares her into thinking that I'm just a mindless sheep who will do whatever she says, that I'm not making my own decisions. I don't feel like I've been sacrificing my own desires to accomodate her - yes, I put up with some rough times when she was sick, but to get frustrated and vent to her would have been insensitive and cruel, I think. Now, I'm left with lots of fear and pain that our relationship is crumbling...and feeling helpless that I can do anything to change that course. I've asked her what I can do, she says "I don't know." So... The only things that are keeping my hope alive right now are; 1) We love each other and get along wonderfully, we have no issues between us that need fixing - so the evidence points to us working it out, 2) Her general sadness and mixed-up feelings seem to extend to parts of her life other than just us, 3) She needs to fix those things before we can come together and work on us, 4) She's just coming out of months of health issues and that has to be contributing to her general state of sadness. I hope that I'm right about all of that. Thoughts or suggestions or words of encouragement are welcome. I would tell you to move on, but later down the line you may meet a woman who labels you a "commitment-phobe" for leaving the girl and bettering yourself.
bradford Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Sounds like she is waiting for you to do something. It sounds like she doesn't want to be the bad guy, and is doing everything she possibly can to push you into pulling the trigger and doing something like separating for a while. Part of your deferring to her is what you are doing now - putting up with everything she's throwing at you! Isn't it a little odd that her life is seemingly crumbling right around the time she is also telling you she's not sure about things? You need to just go, give her time, it sounds like that's what she wants. I know, easier said than done, but in the long wrong, it might serve you best.
backspn Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Those are some serious statements she made. I have said it before, people can hit the uncertainty phase in a relationship at anytime. Most do it in the first couple months. Is she in this stage? Maybe, maybe not. If I were you I would be in a hard place. I would ask her what she wants to do. Honesty is the best medicine. Speak plain to her and tell her to do the same. Does she want to break the relationship? Only she can answer this. I think there are other issues involved other than just the two of you though. Sounds like she has to deal with some things before she can give herself to you and only you can tell if you want to wait.
Recommended Posts