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Posted

Well, I called the ex last night to say hi and see how he was. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

It started badly and ended up even worse two and half hours later.

 

Two seconds after I said "Hi, how are you?" He said, "What do you want from me? Why are you calling?" I said I just called to say hi and see how things were. He said well, you haven't called in a month, so I'm not sure why you are calling now, and I said sorry I didn't mean to make you mad. That I got yelled at for saying stupid **** like that and why do I always have to start. Then we continued to fight for more than 2 hours.

 

The last time I wrote on LS I said I had contacted him because he was telling people at his job that he would still bang me but that's all I was good for now. Last night- I told him that hurt and pissed me off, and he laughed and said he would. I said what was so funny? And he said that he and his friend had planned that. He would say stuff about me at work and see how fast it would get back to me and see how quicklky I called him. Before this little clever move, I had not called him or been in touch in any way for 6 weeks. I probably wouldn't have never called him if he hadn't started that crap.

 

I don't know whY I called him last night. I thought that I wanted us to be friends. I thought that it would be better if we soothed things between us by just recognizing that us as a couple didn't work, but we could be friends. What I got was that he just wishes I would leave him alone so he could forget I ever existed.

 

I pushed the friends thing. I'm so dumb. I just wanted more than nothing. I didn't want to forget him. I didn't want to forget he ever existed. I just wanted something. I certainly did not want to hear that I'm better off forgetting.

 

I just need to vent. I'm hurt. I'm embarassed. I won't tell anyone else about this because I feel so stupid and humiliated for trying to be friends with someone who would be happier if I got hit by a bus. I know I'll hear from his family, and they'll say- why, why did you call him? He told us you won't leave him alone- he's not worth your time. I don't know why I called him. Maybe I didn't want to be forgotten- maybe I just wanted to be friends with him, because I wanted to feel like I was worth not hating or feeling apathetic towards.

 

I deleted his number. At least I'm smart enough not to put myself through this again. I'm sure I've said that ten times before.

 

Give me the strength to forget him.

Posted

Hi,

 

I did the smae thing last night - i rang my ex. Dont know why i did it either - its was clear from his reaction that i was annoying him by being on the phone! I too pushed the whole friends things as like you i dont want to be forgoteen but then i have to start to think - do i want to be friends with someone who has hurt me so badly? (he left me for someone he's met on the internet! I found love letters saying how happy he is with her and how he cant wait till she's in his arms - made me feel sick, he used to say that to me but all i am is a constant reminder of the bad times) Anyway back to you (sorry) i think you are now doing the right thing, you sound so much better than him, he doesnt deserve you if THATS how he's going to treat you.

 

You have to move on (easier said than done) somewhere out there is a man that deserves you and your heart - i promise x

Posted

This guy sounds really, REALLY immature. What adult behaves like that at their workplace?

  • Author
Posted

Hey,

 

Thanks for the responses.

 

He is completely immature. Maybe it was not so mature of me to push to be friends either.

 

I question myself too...why do I want to be friends with this person? He is NOT the person he was. Actually- he kind of is but he is only the ugly part now.

 

I know. I need to move on completely. I know I need to go ahead and not look back! At least tonight- I'm so exhausted that I'll just go to bed early and sleep. I won't have time to think about him. Replay things in my head over and over again.

Posted

....I deleted his number. At least I'm smart enough not to put myself through this again. I'm sure I've said that ten times before.

 

 

Hey, That's a good start.

 

I have been in love with someone before who treated me as badly as this guy does you. It's a mystery...why anyone would still hang onto to someone who is so obviously callous, mean and lacking in empathy.

 

I suppose it's human nature acting up~ the whole we want what we can't have syndrome.

 

Don't beat your self up for this. But don't delude yourself either~ it's not friendship you are seeking. Deep in your heart, you want something more than that. I have often told a bf I wanted to stay friends- but what I meant was "I still love you and if we remain friends I might be able to get you back". Trust me, it's best to move on, delete his number and other contact information you have.

 

Perhaps you can look at that phone call last night as a defining moment.... This guy is not a good guy. He's not the guy for you. Right now, you still have deep feelings for him, and those feelings are clouding your logic.

 

You can't control how you feel, but you can control your actions.

So, it's time to get back to the NC. Have you dated at all since the break up? Perhaps getting back on the horse and accepting a few dates might help you to get out and have a little fun, inject a little spice into your life.

 

Every moment you waste being in love with a man who doesn't even have the decency to be respectful toward you is a moment wasted where you could be doing one of two things:

1) Doing positive things for yourself that make you feel better about yourself.

2) Being open to the possibility of meeting someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

So what, you had a slip and called him, it happens. He just basically showed you all over again that he is an ass.... use that conversation as your closure to move on.

 

You're going to be okay.

And you deserve better~ Please keep telling yourself that.

Hugs!

D

Posted

Fantastic advise D!

 

I will follow this myself X

  • Author
Posted

That was awesome advice. Thank you.

 

I have dated but did not really give anyone a chance, and I have sort of been a recluse the last couple of weeks because I just did not want to deal. I think I will allow myself the opportunity to give someone else a chance, because I know what I had was not what I deserve. I think that is a great way of looking at the last phone call- as proof that he is an ass.

 

Thanks again. I think it's time for me to move onto the next step in LS- help others and stop venting about a guy that doesn't deserve what I have to offer.

 

 

Hugs!

Posted
Hey, That's a good start.

 

I have been in love with someone before who treated me as badly as this guy does you. It's a mystery...why anyone would still hang onto to someone who is so obviously callous, mean and lacking in empathy.

 

I suppose it's human nature acting up~ the whole we want what we can't have syndrome.

 

Don't beat your self up for this. But don't delude yourself either~ it's not friendship you are seeking. Deep in your heart, you want something more than that. I have often told a bf I wanted to stay friends- but what I meant was "I still love you and if we remain friends I might be able to get you back". Trust me, it's best to move on, delete his number and other contact information you have.

 

Perhaps you can look at that phone call last night as a defining moment.... This guy is not a good guy. He's not the guy for you. Right now, you still have deep feelings for him, and those feelings are clouding your logic.

 

You can't control how you feel, but you can control your actions.

So, it's time to get back to the NC. Have you dated at all since the break up? Perhaps getting back on the horse and accepting a few dates might help you to get out and have a little fun, inject a little spice into your life.

 

Every moment you waste being in love with a man who doesn't even have the decency to be respectful toward you is a moment wasted where you could be doing one of two things:

1) Doing positive things for yourself that make you feel better about yourself.

2) Being open to the possibility of meeting someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

So what, you had a slip and called him, it happens. He just basically showed you all over again that he is an ass.... use that conversation as your closure to move on.

 

You're going to be okay.

And you deserve better~ Please keep telling yourself that.

Hugs!

D

 

Right on! You don't have to be friends with someone you had a relationship with...but for growth this sucker should have just said I am fine...been honest and told you he is uncomfortable with contact from you, and told you good luck with future endeavors! What a whacked out game...Delete the number chic! Good job, and maybe it will make you feel better to know of all the GOOD times you had with this fool, GOD has a better man for you that will supercede all your wildest expectations!!!!

 

Think about it, Be blessed

Posted

I always find that anger is a good start to the healing process.

That conversation made you angry- and rightfully so.

 

When I first found LS, I found it therapeutic to post on other's threads, offering help and advice can often make you feel better.

 

Moving on is hard. I hope his arrogance is making it easier for you to do so. I was angry on your behalf when I read your post.

 

I've slipped on NC before as well- and have been slapped in the head with a rude response, or worse- no response.

 

This guy isn't even worth being friends with.

When you meet the right guy- you'll look back at this relationship and wonder what you ever saw in him. Better yet, you'll barely remember him at all. That's the best revenge.

Posted

Let him initiate contact. Be polite if he does call but stay cool. You can Go Dark and Get a Life and stop snooping into his life or his friends or his workplace. Take the high road and do not expect friendship or closure. Let him remember you well and not desperate in any way because that is not attractive. Do not take the bait if he gossips about you. It is a silly technique to bait you.

  • Author
Posted

Hey Gals,

 

Thanks again. I've been steering clear.

 

I am going to take the high road- at least, I know it's a place we will never meet.

 

Looking back on why I was obsessing about being friends. I think you were right DLish- I think it was maybe an attempt to hold on or to get something back. Part of it, too...was that I wanted to justify all the time we spent together. It's really hard to be with someone for so long and be left with nothing- I am not going to lie- the whole concept of loving someone one day and then not even knowing them anymore the next is so mind boggling to me. I'm not sure anymore if it is him that I wasn't able to let go of or if it was the idea of all that "love," "togetherness," "hope," and "Dreams" I can't accept is gone. Especially after putting so much of myself into something for so long that failed miserably. But- I guess I have to accept that- it didn't work out for whatever reasons- and I learn and move on- and I just accept that what I had with this person who I Loved and adored very much is no longer there. I know it might sound weird but it is like mourning something that has passed away. I just have to realize now that it is dead and it ain't coming back to life.

Posted

Speaking from a mans perspective that guy makes me embarrassed to be male.

 

Have nothing more to do with him, he doesn't respect you and is rude and pig ignorant. If he or his family (what the hell has it got to do with them anyway?) call HANG UP. You deserve better and trust me time will heal you. It is so hard no doubt about it but it will get better. No contact works and it makes you strong and you will find someone who cares about you for who you are.

 

Re why is it so hard? Simple, its a bereavement, a death of someone you care about and they always hurt, but just to re-emphasise, it will get better. Stay strong and don't waste a second more of your precious life thinking about someone who would treat you like that. Good luck.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks, Jackieboy.

 

I've actually been thinking more about myself these last days, as compared to how much energy I put into him, us, and everything over the last four years.

 

 

I am planning a trip to Europe this summer, and I'm very excited about it. I'm also going to get my big, mourning butt to the gym, so I FEEL and LOOK better soon.

 

I have avoided a call from his family. I received one last night and did not answer because I knew I would hear all the junk that was said about me. I do not need to hear it. I do not need his camp to remind me anymore why I should move on, because I am ready to do it now completely. I do not want to hear it or care to hear it.

 

Since Sunday- I think it was the last straw. I am finally sick of being disrespected. No one deserves that. And I'm certainly not going to look for it anymore or make myself more susceptible to it.

Posted

do keep hangin in there!! i don't think i can say much else that someone has not already said, but youre in my thoughts. and im glad you found the strength in you to realize that he isn't good for you, be glad you got that far because some girls don't even get that far.

keep that chin up!

Posted

Sad Shamrock, your ex is NOT a nice person. He sounds like a jerk. Let go of him. You are lucky to be without him. I have been in a long-term relationship with a guy that wasn't a nice person, and it isn't fun.

 

Enjoy your trip to Europe! Going to the gym will make you look and feel great. You are on your way!

 

Hugs.

Posted
Hey Gals,

 

Thanks again. I've been steering clear.

 

I am going to take the high road- at least, I know it's a place we will never meet.

 

Looking back on why I was obsessing about being friends. I think you were right DLish- I think it was maybe an attempt to hold on or to get something back. Part of it, too...was that I wanted to justify all the time we spent together. It's really hard to be with someone for so long and be left with nothing- I am not going to lie- the whole concept of loving someone one day and then not even knowing them anymore the next is so mind boggling to me. I'm not sure anymore if it is him that I wasn't able to let go of or if it was the idea of all that "love," "togetherness," "hope," and "Dreams" I can't accept is gone. Especially after putting so much of myself into something for so long that failed miserably. But- I guess I have to accept that- it didn't work out for whatever reasons- and I learn and move on- and I just accept that what I had with this person who I Loved and adored very much is no longer there. I know it might sound weird but it is like mourning something that has passed away. I just have to realize now that it is dead and it ain't coming back to life.

 

It happens so often.... you spend time with someone, you fall in love with them and then you begin to idealize who they are. We even justify the bad behaviour because we have invested so much time into someone that it's hard to change our perspective when we are so directly entagled with them.

 

I suspect, that once you get over this man, that you will look back and recognize he was always capable of being the callous human being he is currently showing himself to be.

 

Also- sometimes people aren't mature enough to break up with someone and act like a kind human being. It's just easier to be an a$$-hole than to deal with pain or feelings.

 

Just don't take to heart any of the cruel things he is saying.

I had someone break up with me and systematically destroy my self confidence by listing every fault I posess. That screwed me up for a while, because I had cared about him and took his observations seriously.

Some of his accusations were founded- others were completely false- but regardless, they were all designed to hurt me. I had given him the tools to hurt me during our break up by being open and vulnerable to him. He used all that ammunition to purposely knock me down and make me feel like a piece of crap.

 

I look back now and see that this cruelty was always present in this man.... I just chose not to see it because I thought I loved him.

 

I spent a long time trying to reconcile with him- mostly to try and prove to him that I wasn't those horrible things he told me I was. I know now that I am not those things.... and his words no longer hold water with me.

 

Don't let this man get under your skin. Also- don't make anymore attempts at contact with him...I suspect that he would only continue to strip you of your self esteem.

 

You're going to be okay.

Make it a point of turning to people who lift your spirits and validate your worth, rather than allowing your ex to bring you down.

Posted

I know how you feel. I also made the mistake of calling the Bad Man and sounding emotional but I had to get it off my chest. Feels good for a while but it gives them way too much power. One technique I used to use to avoid calling my cheating husband was to imagine him on the other end of the phone call rolling his eyes and feigning a yawn. This is probably the best visual to avoid any phone contact. No one wants to feel guilted.

Posted

Shamrock I am so glad you have decided on moving on. You sound so much stronger and that means you are living your life for yourself and not for another, especially someone as worthless as that, you've also got something to look forward to and you will love Europe (I know, I am one!).

 

You will have bad days sometimes, sadly our brains like to torture us for no apparent reason, its all part of the healing process but stay strong and NO CONTACT. The bad days get less and less in time as I have personally found out. The gym is good, not only does it make you feel so much better in yourself but it does your self confidence a world of good as well. You are on the road to recovery and recognising that you want to move on is a huge step in the right direction and well done for taking it, you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and if you feel weak there is a guy on Loveshack who signs 'No foolin', look up his entries he will spell it out in no uncertain terms how and why you have to move on. He kept me strong and I recommend him to everyone.

 

Good luck Shamrock, you will get there and in time will wonder what the hell you ever saw in that worthless man anyway!

  • Author
Posted

Hey everyone,

 

I just want to let you all know that your words of encouragement are very helpful and affirming to me! Thank you so much.

 

Rhita- You know you are right- I do think I was empowering him with my grief and need to be friends. I think it made him feel good to know that I was upset and was having difficulty getting over him.

 

However...

 

Now it is time to empower myself! D-Lish, I think you are right- I think it is easier for him to be an a$$. I'm not happy that I have been feeling so hurt lately- but I think it is healthy to at least feel something and work those feelings out- because it is opening my eyes to things that were not healthy for me before all this chaos started.

 

Anyway- thanks so much. I'm not going to lie that I don't have my melancholy moments. During the week, I'm so busy that I don't have much time to think about things. So I'm just hoping to get through this weekend without feeling really down. I think I'll be ok though.

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