Now What?

[lost4ever]

So after four months of NC with MM the drama starts again!

This past weekend a close work partner of both of ours past away while on business in another country. I received an email from another coworker on Sat. morning Then my phone rang, I seen it was him so I hit ignore and went about my business. Then he called again, this time I was in the car with my H (my H knows about the affair) I hit ignore and my H started questioning who it was, so I told him, I told him he was calling about the coworkers death (of course he didn't leave a message) so my H makes me call him on speaker phone.

 

I guess I didn't act the right way towards him because my H was very upset, didn't believe he was calling for that reason, though that was the only reason he called and H heard the whole conversation (about 2 min of I am sorry for your loss, he will be missed, ok bye)

But now my H thinks that we still talk and I don't know how to make him believe otherwise.

 

I talked with a girlfriend and she said I should have called MM and said, don't ever call me again, but I can't do that while he is grieving.

 

Does this ever just stop? What should I do to prove to my H we are not talking? Can I attend the funeral with out my H flipping out (Should I even ask if I can go?)

[amaysngrace]

I would ask your husband if he's okay with you going and if he isn't then I wouldn't go.

[Meranna]

Can your husband attend the funeral with you? This may alleviate some concerns he may have, unless it will cause a scene when he sees your XMM.

[whichwayisup]

Don't ask if you can go. TELL your husband that you hate the exMM, want nothing to do with him and but you need to go to the funeral and won't go without your H. This way you two are a united front and can face the exMM together. If your h doesn't want to go, then don't go without him..

 

Okay, your husband still isn't trusting you and you need to be reassuring, and show him love. He is scared. You know this, so don't feel irritated with him that he can't or won't take you at your word...

 

It hasn't been that long either! Sometimes it takes up to 2 years to get the marriage back on track, so you need to be patient. Allow him to feel what he feels.

[Owl]

WWIU is right.

 

It takes at least two years, under great conditions, for a marriage to recover from infidelity.

 

Its going to take a long time of demonstrated trust for your H to 'get over' this.

 

ANY contact...of ANY kind...is a major setback for both of you.

 

You need to resend an NC letter to OM, point blank telling him that NO contact is what you mean...calling about this was unacceptable. And you need to get your H's agreemant on the letter before you send it.

 

And you need to end any further contact with OM...in ANY fashion.

 

And...you should open your communications up in any way possible to help your H to see that you ARE staying in NC going forward. Give him the pw to your emails, ensure he can see cell phone records, etc...

 

It CAN and WILL get better...with time, effort, and established NC with OM.

 

I'm the BS, and we're coming up on four years after d-day this spring. We're very happily recovered.

 

Are you and your H in MC?

[lost4ever]

thanks for the encouragement.

 

-I have offered to give my H the passwords to everything and phone records and such (I even written them down for him) He says he doesn't want to have to watch me, that he will know when I am trust worthy again.

 

- He can go to the funeral with me to the funeral, but it will be in another state, and will be expensive if we both have to go. I planned on going with a lady from work, but I know as soon as I ask if I can go he is going to throw a fit and say I am only doing it to see OM. I guess I really don't have to go, though I would like to be there.

 

-I really don't want to send my XMM any kind of note. Really do not want to send him a mean note, it's not the time.

 

I did get angry with my H (didn't yell or anything, just expressed my frustration), I told him that I was sick and tired of getting ripped into when I don't do anything to get him angry and there is nothing that I can do to make it better. It's like beating a dead horse. I know I should not have done this, and I feel bad. I did say sorry.

 

But really If he is going to forgive me, than he has to forgive me. This isn't the first time this has happened. It happens all the time, all the time. Any song, anyone who's name is the same as MM's, anytime we watch tv and there is cheating, anything and everything sets him off.

 

As for MC, he will not go back. We were in MC when my A first started so he doesn't have much faith in it, (totally understandable)

[Meaplus3]

So after four months of NC with MM the drama starts again!

This past weekend a close work partner of both of ours past away while on business in another country. I received an email from another coworker on Sat. morning Then my phone rang, I seen it was him so I hit ignore and went about my business. Then he called again, this time I was in the car with my H (my H knows about the affair) I hit ignore and my H started questioning who it was, so I told him, I told him he was calling about the coworkers death (of course he didn't leave a message) so my H makes me call him on speaker phone.

 

I guess I didn't act the right way towards him because my H was very upset, didn't believe he was calling for that reason, though that was the only reason he called and H heard the whole conversation (about 2 min of I am sorry for your loss, he will be missed, ok bye)

But now my H thinks that we still talk and I don't know how to make him believe otherwise.

 

I talked with a girlfriend and she said I should have called MM and said, don't ever call me again, but I can't do that while he is grieving.

 

Does this ever just stop? What should I do to prove to my H we are not talking? Can I attend the funeral with out my H flipping out (Should I even ask if I can go?)

 

Well first I would make sure that you tell your H that you have zero feeling's for xmm, make that very clear. Then I would ask him how he feel's about you going... and tell him you would like him to join you. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[Owl]

-I have offered to give my H the passwords to everything and phone records and such (I even written them down for him) He says he doesn't want to have to watch me, that he will know when I am trust worthy again.

 

He may feel that way. Hopefully he is able to rebuild his trust that way. Many can't, but its possible that he's the exception.

 

- He can go to the funeral with me to the funeral, but it will be in another state, and will be expensive if we both have to go. I planned on going with a lady from work, but I know as soon as I ask if I can go he is going to throw a fit and say I am only doing it to see OM. I guess I really don't have to go, though I would like to be there.

 

What's more important to you at this point...going to this funeral, or rebuilding your marriage? Going to the funeral, when you know OM will be there...especially going without your H...is a tremendous risk to your marriage. It does set the stage for the affair to continue, and it also will create tremendous resentment/hurt/anger/mistrust in your H if you do so. So what's your priority at this point?

 

-I really don't want to send my XMM any kind of note. Really do not want to send him a mean note, it's not the time.

 

You're kidding, right? Its ABSOLUTELY the time!!!! He's contacting you, when you're attempting to rebuild your marriage. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN THIS TO PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!!

 

The note does not have to be mean. It DOES need to be blunt. "I've made my choice to work on my marriage. That means I can have no further contact...of any kind...with you. Please do not call, write, text, IM...etc..."

 

I did get angry with my H (didn't yell or anything, just expressed my frustration), I told him that I was sick and tired of getting ripped into when I don't do anything to get him angry and there is nothing that I can do to make it better. It's like beating a dead horse. I know I should not have done this, and I feel bad. I did say sorry.

 

But really If he is going to forgive me, than he has to forgive me. This isn't the first time this has happened. It happens all the time, all the time. Any song, anyone who's name is the same as MM's, anytime we watch tv and there is cheating, anything and everything sets him off.

 

As for MC, he will not go back. We were in MC when my A first started so he doesn't have much faith in it, (totally understandable)

 

 

OK...so here's what you should do. Go look for a book called "Surviving an Affair"...read it, cover to cover. It will give you some very clear insight on what your H is dealing with right now.

 

You have no idea the level of devestation you've done to your H.

 

He can't control those "triggers". And YOU need to step up and take ownership and responsibility for the damage you've done to your marriage, and to your H. What he's going through right now is pure emotional he!!. His self-esteem is shot, his trust in you, in his world...is non-existant. The ONE person he trusted to never betray him has done so in the worst way...and he's left trying to figure out how to deal with it.

 

Read that book. Learn to see what's going on through his eyes. Hand him that book and let him see it through yours.

 

THEN figure out what to do to recover your marriage. Your expectations of him right now to "deal with it"...are completely unreasonable. Once you've learned more about how affairs work, and what it takes to recover from them, you'll see that.

 

If he doesn't trust MC's anymore, that's his choice. Then get the books and read the internet and get the knowledge you need to help your marriage recover, and do what you need to do to help HIM recover.

 

And the first step in that is getting OM out of your life...PERMANANTLY.

 

Go get "His Needs/Her Needs", and "Surviving an Affair"...you'll see what I'm talking about.

[lost4ever]

This is going to come off as rude, but really I am not mean. I just don't know how to express how I feel. here goes nothing:

I am angry with him because he will not do anything to fix this. I take blame, I know I hurt him.

I have read the books, I have read countless websites, I have suggested MC, I send him emails with links, I try to sit down and talk to him. I follow the advice of LS, I told him the truth of the whole affair. I told him the truth when MM called, I give him passwords, I took down every social networking website I had, I leave my phone out in the open for him to look at, I quit traveling for work, I make sure I call/ text him every hour that I am not with him. I don't go anywhere by myself. I quit drinking, I don't go out for lunch at work...and you know what?

He will not talk to me about anything I can do to make it better, he will not do anything to make himself feel better, He will not look at the books or the websites, he will not talk with friends or family'. It feels like the only thing he wants to do is feel sorry for himself and to make sure I KNOW how horrible of a person I am. I JUST DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

as for the funeral, I will not go. I will not even ask if it is ok because I know what will happen. I'll ask if He will go with me, he will say no because he can't take off work, but will say it is ok that I go as long as I don't talk to MM, I will do everthing in my power to make him see that I don't do anything wrong, and than, two weeks later I will have to listen to him say how he can't believe I went, that the only reason I suggested that he goes is because I know he wouldn't and it will go on and on and on.

[Owl]

So why don't YOU set a boundary?

 

Tell him that you can't go on like this...he either agrees to marriage counseling with a qualified MC who knows how to recover a marriage from infidelity, or the marriage isn't going to last?

 

I'm not saying that you have to take being treated unfairly.

 

If he's not doing anything to help the marriage recover, then it never will.

 

Not every marriage recovers from cheating.

 

I'd suggest you keep that 'ownership' you've taken...and tell him honestly that you're willing to do what you need to do to recover your marriage...but you can't and won't do it alone.

 

Go to an MC on your own for a while...see if they can give you advice on getting through to your H.

 

Or divorce him, if you feel nothing will get better.

 

Make sense?