she knows now

January 28, 2008

i havent been on here in a while because i was doing well and didnt think i needed support but now his wife knows. she saw him tell me that he loved me in an email and saw a...picture of me that was up on the screen at the time.

i am devastated. of course he says it must stop. i knew this would be the case if she found out for sure. he says she wants to contact me. i do not know what i am going to do. this just happened last night.

i just had to get this out. i am so upset and torn apart right now. i know her world is devastated as well and i am truly sorry for that. but i am hurting too and i dont know how to recover from this. thanks for llistening.

January 28, 2008

SBT, I feel for you and for his wife...I don't feel for him however as now he's officially been busted...

I worry that he is going to make you promises and try to keep you in his life meanwhile he'll be telling his wife you no longer are part of the picture and turn it all on you, and try to make himself be the innocent one in all this.

If you have any close girlfriends that you can talk to, definately spend time with them. And ofcourse, being with your family as well..

You are a strong woman and will get through this! Take things one day at a time, don't think ahead too much.

Hugs.

January 28, 2008

Sorry for the pain you are feeling. I can hear it in your words. Affairs hurt more than just the MM and BS. The OW so often is shown as some evil individual when all she wants is a committed relationship. It is not always her "fault" that she fell in love with a man who was married..especially if she did not know at first.

IMO, if she wants to contact you, then it may be for the better. I am guessing that she wants to hear all about the affair and why it happened. She wants to hear if her husband is being honest about it. While it will be painful for you, I think this is good for both of you. But that is an opinion of someone who has not been in your shoes.

Having been in contact with a BS, I know that for her it helped alot to talk with the OW. It made the OW a real person who was just a pawn in the game...not the instigator.

Good luck. Keep coming here for support and empathy.

Edited January 28, 2008 by JamesM

January 28, 2008

Watch your back. She will be tempted to come after you in some way. I had to struggle against the urge to take the bastard's life. A betrayed spouse is not in their right mind, and not stable at all. I know. I would never take someone's life, yet I have to admit the ugly feeling that I want him dead. If he were to get killed in a car accident, or another enraged husband does not have the little self control I have left seeks his own revenge and beats him to death with a hammer, I would rejoice. And I know that's very wrong, but it's the truth. Gentle people allow murder into their hearts because of what you are doing. And, yes, believe me, women can be EXTREMELY violent.

January 28, 2008

i really dont know what will happen from here. i feel so destroyed right now. i know i am strong, i have been through worse, but i relied so much on him for emotional support and love and he was a great friend to me. i am losing so much in one blow.

if she wants to talk i will do my best. she of course threatened to take his kids away if he had any more to do with me. that has been his worst fear throughout this. i know i have to respect their wishes and stay away as best i can so they can work things out. i am good at being the loser i think

January 28, 2008

he was a great friend to me

You don't see it now, but that can't be true. Even if he somehow cares for you, he does not have your best interest at heart.

i am good at being the loser i think

Only if you continue the affair. It is a no-win situation.

January 28, 2008

i really dont know what will happen from here. i feel so destroyed right now. i know i am strong, i have been through worse, but i relied so much on him for emotional support and love and he was a great friend to me. i am losing so much in one blow.

Then rely on your other friends to help you through this. Sure, it won't be the same to open up to someone else, let alone have a certain emotional support he gave you, but maybe this situation will make you rely on YOU more instead of relying on someone else to make you feel complete. Know what I mean?

if she wants to talk i will do my best. she of course threatened to take his kids away if he had any more to do with me. that has been his worst fear throughout this. i know i have to respect their wishes and stay away as best i can so they can work things out. i am good at being the loser i think

Well, obviously his worst fear didn't stop him from continuing the affair with you. He still chose to be with you and he wasn't too concerned back then about losing his kids if he got busted.

You're not a loser! Beating up on yourself now is not healthy.

You had an affair with a MM. You both knew the stakes were high and he had alot to lose if busted. You both decided to keep on with the A, and now that there's a D-Day, the fallout is there. All you can do is focus on you and not worry about what goes on in his marriage. He probably is a mess right now and trying to do damage control. You don't want to be sucked into that.

THough, if and when she calls, be prepared to answer her questions. Be honest. Not only for her sake, but for your own sake..This might be your closure.

January 28, 2008

i relied so much on him for emotional support and love and he was a great friend to me. i am losing so much in one blow.

This is understandable as that is probably how your affair with him began. He was a great friend and it developed into more. That is part of the problem now...you have this pain and cannot share it with someone who has been there as your support for so long. As difficult as it may seem now, you need to find a way to transfer that friendship over to someone else.

While it may seem contradictory under the circumstances, I am certain that he did love you and care for you. And as hard as it is now, he does probably worry about you and still wishes he could be with you. The thing is...he DID and does have a commitment to another woman (and children), so this must be his first commitment. If he has decided to stay with them, then you need to find the strength to move on.

I believe that he did have your concerns at heart, but he did it in the wrong way. He also had his concerns at his heart. What he had forgotten is that he SHOULD have had his family's concerns first in his heart. As difficult as this is now, his marriage needs to come first. And as hard as this may sound, in the long run, you may be better off with a man who builds an honest relationship with you from the beginning.

if she wants to talk i will do my best. she of course threatened to take his kids away if he had any more to do with me. that has been his worst fear throughout this. i know i have to respect their wishes and stay away as best i can so they can work things out. i am good at being the loser i think

The interesting thing you should note is that his first concern was his children yet now that she knows, he is going back to her. I think he may have loved her more than he let you know. Staying with her in this day and age is not all about children.

While it now seems that you are the loser, in the future, you may actually realize that you are the winner. You have learned a painful lesson, but it may actually cause you to have a better future.

Time does heal pain, but while we live with the pain, time seems to stand still.

January 28, 2008

thank you for your kind words. this is all still so fresh and extremely painful. i know it will take time to heal and i guess her finding out begins this healing process i have been knowing would come for the year and a half we were together.

i will not stand in the way of their recovery. i do feel like a loser though. it has been a constant in my life it seems. my therapist would say i choose situations in which i am made to feel that way because it is what i know and am comfortable with. maybe now i can become familiar with the feeling of being a winner for once i dont know.

i still have to see him. we are actually partners in a project at school this semester. it will tear my heart out every time i have to see him and look at him and know that we will never be together again. i still have a lot of healing ahead of me, and i know it is not going to be a pretty road.

January 28, 2008

i still have to see him. we are actually partners in a project at school this semester. it will tear my heart out every time i have to see him and look at him and know that we will never be together again. i still have a lot of healing ahead of me, and i know it is not going to be a pretty road.

Be careful that you don't allow yourself back into a relationship as a way of temporarily healing the pain.

January 28, 2008

sad for everyone involved...Hope you can find some peace soon. ood

January 28, 2008

Hopefully, his wife will realize what will need to happen in order for their marriage to recover, and require him to drop any classes he's got together with you.

Its a REQUIREMENT to completely break free from any form of contact with the OP if you're going to successfully recover your marriage. I hope his wife gets some good guidance and recognizes that.

You see, if the two of you continue to work together, those feelings won't ever get a chance to go away. You're going to continue to 'miss' each other, you'll both be miserable, and the odds are high that you'll both 'fall back' into the affair again...probably off and on again several times.

Until one of you 'steps up' and makes the break to get out of the situation, this is likely to go on and on for some time.

If you honor their marriage and truly want to help and "make amends"...have you considered going to the school and requesting a transfer into a different class?

January 28, 2008

that would not be possible, for either of us to change classes. we are both due to graduate in may. we are in a program where there is only one class once a year of each one. it is not a large school. if either of us dropped this class, it would put off graduation an entire year. we will have to finish this.

i understand the need to stop contact. i know it will be painful to keep seeing him. i dont know what his wife thinks about this. i have not heard from her yet. i do not know if she will contact me or not, he just said she wanted to.

i am still in a daze i think. i can not believe it is over. i have not fully accepted it yet i think.

January 28, 2008

i havent been on here in a while because i was doing well and didnt think i needed support but now his wife knows. she saw him tell me that he loved me in an email and saw a...picture of me that was up on the screen at the time.

i am devastated. of course he says it must stop. i knew this would be the case if she found out for sure. he says she wants to contact me. i do not know what i am going to do. this just happened last night.

i just had to get this out. i am so upset and torn apart right now. i know her world is devastated as well and i am truly sorry for that. but i am hurting too and i dont know how to recover from this. thanks for llistening.

Hi sadbuttrue...I am so sorry that you are hurting right now as this is a tough situation....Do allow yourself to work though the emotion's involved here..it will get easier thing's take time.Big hug's.

AP:)

January 29, 2008

i havent been on here in a while because i was doing well and didnt think i needed support but now his wife knows. she saw him tell me that he loved me in an email and saw a...picture of me that was up on the screen at the time.

i am devastated. of course he says it must stop. i knew this would be the case if she found out for sure. he says she wants to contact me. i do not know what i am going to do. this just happened last night.

i just had to get this out. i am so upset and torn apart right now. i know her world is devastated as well and i am truly sorry for that. but i am hurting too and i dont know how to recover from this. thanks for llistening.

Hi Sadbuttrue,

I so feel for you. And I must applaud those who have answered your thread respectfully and with sincerity.

I know how hard it must be. I too feel for my MM's W and would be devastated for her if she were to find out. I constantly ask if she asks anything out of the ordinary and I always tell myself that I will bolt the minute she becomes even close to being aware. But I have to be honest and remind myself that just two months ago I was on here telling the world I was going to end it. It was harder than I thought. And now I cannot imagine my life without MM in it in some way. God knows I wish it were full time and out in the open, though.

I often wonder how he would handle it and if he would cut me off with NC. We are both sentimental fools and I know it would be difficult yet he is also very disciplined and I can see it going either way. I dread the day and think about it often.

I also know what you mean about 'being good at being a loser.' It sounds so low to say about yourself but I understand that because often times I have put others before myself as the Good Book tells us to do but in the end, if we do that often enough, we end up feeling like losers. And then it becomes a part of our personality. It is time to break that habbit, honey. It is time to start putting yourself first. You may not have chosen THIS to be your time but here you are and you should make the most of it. Finish that class, graduate, and celebrate. Start dating (even though you cannot imagine yourself with anyone else) and see where that takes you AND MM. He may not like the idea of you with someone else and make a decision that is best for all involved.

Then change your username. Choose a name that helps you focus on your bright future like EcstaticLove or WildAboutLife. You deserve it. You've been putting others before yourself for too long and now it is time to start thinking about YOU. Best of luck and hang in there.

WF

January 29, 2008

she of course threatened to take his kids away if he had any more to do with me.

That just makes me crazy! I can't stand it when a BS threatens to "take the kids away" from the WS. Yeah, that's the right thing to do - torture the kids due to issues between the parents. Good grief.

Second of all, I know it is heartbreaking to be betrayed by a spouse, but when something is wrong enough in a marriage for one partner to be susceptible to falling in love with another person, then it is what it is.

People don't have affairs just for the hell of it. (most don't anyway) So, instead of laying full blame on the WS, and making unrelated threats (the kids have nothing to do with the state of the marriage) the BS needs to concentrate on how THEY may have contributed to the issues in the marriage that caused the WS to seek outside love, sex, romance, support, etc.

It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break it. Yes, yes, I know - there are a lot of selfish people out there who break it just because of who they are. But, I'm not talking about those kinds of folks. I am talking about why an MP falls in love with an OP and how each partner is equally culpable.

January 29, 2008

thank you all. everyone has been so supportive. i really appreciate it. i am still lying in bed depressed and feeling devastated. i think i have a few more days of this ahead

January 29, 2008

thank you all. everyone has been so supportive. i really appreciate it. i am still lying in bed depressed and feeling devastated. i think i have a few more days of this ahead

January 29, 2008

That just makes me crazy! I can't stand it when a BS threatens to "take the kids away" from the WS. Yeah, that's the right thing to do - torture the kids due to issues between the parents. Good grief.

Second of all, I know it is heartbreaking to be betrayed by a spouse, but when something is wrong enough in a marriage for one partner to be susceptible to falling in love with another person, then it is what it is.

People don't have affairs just for the hell of it. (most don't anyway) So, instead of laying full blame on the WS, and making unrelated threats (the kids have nothing to do with the state of the marriage) the BS needs to concentrate on how THEY may have contributed to the issues in the marriage that caused the WS to seek outside love, sex, romance, support, etc.

It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break it. Yes, yes, I know - there are a lot of selfish people out there who break it just because of who they are. But, I'm not talking about those kinds of folks. I am talking about why an MP falls in love with an OP and how each partner is equally culpable.

<donning flame retardant suit>

The only way that I was responsible for Mr. Messy's cheating was by waiting until I had enough proof to bury him. I didn't make him cheat. And what ever problems he used as his "excuse" to bonk someone else were the same excuses that I could have used to bonk someone else. He was suspectable because of his low standards. I wanted to be treated respectfully and loved just as he did, but he made the decision to handle it in a way that has cost him everything. All it cost me to handle it the way I did, was my trust and respect for him, not my relationship with God. If I behaved way that I felt I had a right to because of his failures, I would be typing this from death row.

We both briought pain to our relationship, but he brought another person and every person she slept with into all by himself with no help from me. He didn't have to worry if he got any diseases from me, he didn't have to wonder if his children where his and he didn't have to wonder if another man's semen was in his bed.

No one should use their children in a divorce to hurt the other spouse. But I must admit, that I don't want someone of his character around my children. I don't want them picking up his moral code. Thank God he seems to have seen the light and is pulling himself together and making steps to be a decent role model for his children.

January 29, 2008

I dont come on here so much - I find too many of the threads too painful to read. Does more harm to me than good - but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. It hurts like hell, and I'm sorry that you have to go through it. Be kind to your self. xxx

January 29, 2008

thank you all. everyone has been so supportive. i really appreciate it. i am still lying in bed depressed and feeling devastated. i think i have a few more days of this ahead

It is painful but it will pass, dear.

Just make sure you take good care of yourself - may not seem easy for now but you will feel better.

Please don't stop posting cause as you know, it helps and you will get all the support you need from here - not from EVERY single person but am sure a lot of them are supportive.

[[[sBT]]]

January 29, 2008

Wow...Im so sorry to hear that. The thing is, keep your dignity and if BS calls you or confronts you tell the TRUTH. He is (trust me) lying to her bout your relationship, how he feels towards you, what really was happening...

I saw this when my MM got caught with me...He had told his wife that we werent sleeping together, that our relationship hadnt been emotional, etc...Its all damage control for him b/c he is scared right now. She will want to know everything, and tell her. Tell her what he has said, he has done...I did, and BS told me, that she at least respected me enough to tell the truth when everyone else who knew was lying to her..His friends all lied for him, and the amount of lies he told her, and CONTINUES to tell her now (we stayed in our affair after it happened) repluses me, and I know it will happen again, and I already made it very clear to MM that I would do it all over again b/c BS deserves to have a choice in what she should do with their M..

Keep your chin up. Its a hard road to travel, I know.

January 29, 2008

((sadbuttrue))

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I know it is hard to lose someone you love. Do you have girl friends who can take you out for a drink or for some coffee? I think you need to have some fun times to distract yourself from the situation. Do you think you could see someone about your depression? Whatever it is that you think will help you heal, I hope you do that.

Try to focus on the positive and think of the opportunities ahead of you... whenever you feel mad at xMM, realize that the best revenge is living well and being truly happy.

I agree with those that had said that it will be tempting to start the A back up once he can be more under the radar. Hopefully by the time he tries to come back around, you will have realized you are much better off without him. Make that your goal... to be happy with who you are and to make him realize, if he ever does come back again, that you deserve more and you know it.

I also agree that talking to his W if she contacts you and telling her the truth will give you some peace, ease your own guilt, clear up some things for her, and reinforce to you that it can't start up again or you will be going through the same things all over again... this time knowing even more how much it hurts his wife.

I feel for you, stay strong, do whatever makes you happy... buy a new jacket, a good book, go running, listen to music... whatever makes you feel even a little bit better, just get up and do it. Best wishes.

January 29, 2008

i am feeling slightly better today. i am still finding it hard to get out of bed, but i know the world doesnt stop just because my heart has been shattered. there are still things to do.

i do find comfort here among those who understand these situations. i do plan to be honest with his wife if she does want to contact me. i have no reason to lie now and as i have always said, she deserves the truth. even if it is a bit late.

January 29, 2008

I haven't posted here in so long...I have logged on every now and then to see how a few folks are doing but nothing more.

I am now well over a year out of my relationship. It has been really, really hard at times. Someone started a thread recently that caused me to go back to my first posts on LS when I was under a different name. It tore me up to see where I was then and to relive, even if only for a few minutes, how painful it all was. But, it was also such an incredible reminder of how far I've come emotionally and personally. I won't tell you it'll all be okay because it took a lot of work on my part to get to "okay". I am over the person, but cannot say that I am completely over all that happened. I don't mean to convey hopelessness because I have great hope. The difference is that now my hope is in much more than what he had to offer me, which was embarrassingly little.

Your post made me heart sick for you. I can tell your emotions are absolutely raw and can relate to how you feel about allowing MM and his wife to go on and realizing how painful this must be for his wife. I also relate far too well to the self condemnation you're feeling...calling yourself a loser. You're not, but I know those words were wasted on me when I went through the same.

If you want to PM me, please feel free. The best thing that ever happened to me here was having someone to hold me accountable in the times when I lost all site of rationality and reality.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that you will be happy again without him...you absolutely have the capacity to fully love someone else and, while you may always look back at what happened with some element of pain, you will heal.

I have learned so, so much about myself through this horrific journey and I'm close to saying I wouldn't trade that knowledge for the world but not quite there yet;) Honestly, I wish there had been another way to learn what I've learned but I certainly can't change it now.

You have all my compassion and respect for your pain and I'm so sorry.

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