The old "she wants kids and he doesn't" thing

[NanDancing]

Hi, Alison et al --

Could have been me posting the original story! Thanks for opening up the conversation. I'm starting to read through the many splendid e-letters people are posting. I hope you (and I!) will start to get the peace and answers we're seeking. I'd like to share my own journey for those who'd like to listen.

 

I'm now almost 42. At 37 I too married a guy who doesn't want kids, never did, always made that clear. And I was NEVER a kid person myself: didn't like babysitting, whenever I shopped for a baby shower gift or went to a baby shower I got the overwhelming feeling of how very trapped I would feel, etc. Ergo: I figured I'm no candidate to be a mom, that would be very irresponsible of me. But then a funny thing happened when my first nephew came along when I was 35. I started to Get It about having a family. OK, but I figured it was such a recent change in perspective that I was having a knee-jerk reaction to approaching my 40's and getting married for a second time, hormones were kicking in, so I looked at this intellectually and continued on my path.

 

A year into our marriage, "we" got a vasectomy, we discussed it, I signed the papers, this is also very much my responsibility. Whether or not hubby got "fixed", his opinion to not have children wouldn't have changed, so I figured it was a good way to just put the lid on my funny little feelings of loss that were starting to creep into my own life regarding having a family. Guess what? Didn't help! That urge to have kids is just so strong! I remember crying while in the waiting room of the hospital while hub had his procedure done. And now I go through phases where I'm overwhelmed with grief for missing out on a part of my life that I think should have been a natural course of my life. I think the desire for that next step was there all along, I'm realizing, latently and very quietly hanging around. So... what the hell to do with that? I needed to get some perspective, and look at The Big Picture.

 

First thing I'm noticing: I've been talking all along of MY drive to have kids, how Me, Myself and I don't have kids; bringing kids into the world because they're desired by only one-half of How Kids Are Made is very short-sighted. Women carry the kids and, for the most part, are the primary caregivers. But we're still only one-half of the deal. How much is my husband truly my parter? DOES he get a say in the decisions I make in how I use my body? It's an interesting question to ask yourself. It can be a tough one to answer honestly. I'll leave it at that.

 

I think a part of this sense of loss is that I also don't have the LifesWork that I expected to have. Having a child = your lifeswork, automatically. Pretty easy to feel like your life has purpose then, isn't it? Realizing this, we who are Spousal Families gotta work on things a bit more if we need to feel like we've contributed to this world. (A political aside: that need to feel like we Matter or we're Valuable needs to be examined, too, as it's a cultural construct and puts meaningless pressure onto people. But I'm inside this culture, dammit, so it inevitably rubs off on me. Whatever... read "Ishmael"by Daniel Quinn, stuff by Thom Hartmann and books of that ilk that encourage you to step outside the culture and see why you may feel compelled to make certain decisions.) "Spousal families": I may have just made that up. I vote we use this term to define our significant partnerships versus calling ourselves Childless or Childfree couples, to not define ourselves by our kid status and what we don't have but rather by what we do have and what we actually are! Spouse + Spouse = family. We chose each other, to create a home together, to commit and share love and experiences and growth. That's family.

 

Hubby is the love of my life, who had been and continues to be so healthy for me, so grounding and challenging and healing for me. He's warm and comforting and passionate. Through our conversations on many issues, he's shifted his thinking about some things, as have I. He's smart and creative and thinks outside the box and welcomes change and new ideas. He's not inflexible. But on the kid issue he has remained constant. He's terrified of screwing up his kids as his own upbringing was one of neglect, and he feels he just doesn't have the tools to do it right. Hubby had examined the role of children in his life years before I met him. Kids love him, he respects them, and I learned from him that the best way to be with a kid is to just be yourself; you don't need to be a teacher or an authority figure, just be yourself first. He doesn't dislike kids, he simply really knows he doesn't want to be a parent. Fair enough.

 

I will not delegitimize my drive to have a family. It's very real and very natural. And it's the hugest thing that can happen to you. But I'm allowing myself to be kind to myself with a very simple, ages-old addage: You Can't Have Everything. Good lord, we're taught that as Westerners, we should have it all! Phooey. We have limits, we get into situations or circumstances befall us. I am so blessed to have met my husband: he has rocked my world and I have rocked his, we're both so much more open to love and to friendships with other people. Leave him and give that up for MAYBE finding a good partner who MAYBE wants kids? I don't think so. (Not to mention the likelihood of that even happening at my age, despite the fact that I've always attracted men... hey, a truth ain't a brag, we should enjoy these things about ourselves, ladies!) In my case, leaving hubby would be spitting into the wind: how foolish to throw away the gifts this relationship has brought both of us. So, if I want hubby, I don't have kids, and I need to move on and focus on what I DO get to have!

 

And in the end: your kids grow up, and they grow away, and who're you left holding the bag with in your later years? Who will be part of that quality of the rest of your life? Your spouse! THAT's the most important relationship you will ever have.

 

Back to that first nephew: since I've known him, I've engaged in all sorts of child-care activities and have learned that I'm very good at them. Indeed, motherhood has been brought closer to my world than ever before. I have finally entered my Mother stage (some folks like to use the Goddess symbolism of life: Maiden, Mother, and Crone; it's a lovely metaphor for many of life's experiences.) But our relationship: wow. We have a bond I cannot explain. Our relationship transcends just my being a Good Auntie. Something clicks with us. Perhaps it's on a similar level to that unspoken, undefinable, energy-of-the-universe bond that parents have with their children. And y'know what? If I had my own children, no way in hell would I be able to be that special person in his life. I am his respite, I am a source of confidence and comfort for him. So rather than pursuing my own non-productive feelings of How will I make a family happen in my life, I gotta remember to BE AWARE OF THE BLESSINGS IN MY LIFE THAT ARE ALREADY HERE! The perfect hubby, a nephew who is the light of my life and I his. Why the hell not! (-; Time for me to relax, let go, and ENJOYYYY...

 

And do I have twinges of regret? Hell, yeah, every day! And that's Life. I have more to be thankful for than I have to regret... so my mission in Life is to focus and build new things and new talents. I can't wait to see what ripples I make in the world! The cool thing is, tho' I don't have kids, I'm already making huge differences in the quality of life of others... and perhaps it's BECAUSE I don't have kids that I'm now available to everyone else. Cool.

 

xo

[Alison]

On a related note, this thread shows why men who don't want kids should *never* get married, and should never trust young women who say they don't want kids. The only woman you should trust to never want kids is one who is infertile. Your husband shares some of the blame here, it was idiotic for him to believe a 20something woman proclaiming no interest in kids. If he didn't want one he shouldn't have got married. The biological clock is a well-known phenomenon and he should have been aware of that.

 

So, don't take all the blame, it's not reall your fault that you are going through this phase, but really you ought to try to stick to your promise.

 

Thing is, though, had I not fallen pregnant, I don’t think I would have changed my mind. I have never even thought about having children. How could I? I work 12 hours a day in an unforgiving job. I spend most of my time with like-minded, career driven professionals. I’m not joking when I say that a few months ago, I didn’t even know any children, and would have had problems naming half friends or relatives who had any. It seemed to me that very few of my female friends had children, and those who did were generally not particularly career minded. There were women at my work who had children, but they are either in the service and insubordinate roles, or much older than me and yet still at my level. I had family with children, but again they are on the whole less educated and well successful in their careers. I couldn’t help but notice that quite a few are also divorced – something that had yet to happen to any of my childfree relatives. Children had always been something that the “other” had – people very different to me.

 

Since getting pregnant, though, it’s seems like children are coming out the woodwork. Suddenly I see them everywhere – buses, supermarkets, bookstores, parks. I notice my colleagues talking about their kids. I note the location of schools. I read articles on education. It’s bizarre. Obviously the world hasn’t just become kid-centric in the last couple of months. The only explanation is that the pregnancy was the time I’ve actually paid attention to any of this stuff – and now I can’t stop. I disagree with your affair metaphor, but you’re right about one thing - it is a matter of willpower. I will get over the desire to have a child eventually, but it’s going to take time. My husband is more important to me than a theoretical child that may never be.

 

Also, I think this was one of the first big tests for my husband and I, and my failure to appreciate this lead me to feel resentment toward him that was not justified or appropriate. Realistically, we have lived a pretty charmed life – no financial crisis, family tragedies or major crisis. We’ve generally agreed about just about everything, and had no problems talking through what we didn’t. So I did get very hurt when he was so happy about the loss of something that was so important to me - I'd be lying if I didn't think some of the thoughts being expressed on this post. I was concerned that he maybe didn't love me enough. How could he care so little for something that was a part of us? But now I think that, perhaps because we’ve had it so easy, we didn’t have any mechanisms to resolve this new dispute in a productive way. I had no idea how to let him know he was hurting me. I expected him to intuitively understand – this had been a part of *us* and it had died! But how could he? Where I had hormones and emotions running mad and rearranging my thoughts, all he saw was a blue line on a white stick that made his wife first pale and terrified, and then clucky and crazy and not his wife anymore.

 

Suffice to say, a big crazy mess.

 

I just need to say, though, in my own defence - I was never suggesting that I would deliberately force a child on my husband. The accidental one I couldn't do anything about, short of abortion, as I was just not up for that on a emotional or moral level (I am pro-choice, but not in the case of a wealthy middle class married woman with a husband). But my post was, I think, mainly about trying to find a way to deal with the longing in a rational way. I'm think I'm slowly succeeding in doing that.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Sad cluster**** of a story all around.

 

I'm a guy and would love to have a kid someday. Be a father. For a guy to act like a kid is the plague is downright mean and scary.

 

I wonder if his father felt the same way about him, what would he say? What would be the look on his face?

[HisLove]

I find it quite humorous that he won't give up smoking (which will most likely kill him) to enable him to have a minor procedure that will ensure his horror of becoming a father is never realised.

 

He can give up smoking temporarily. It's all a matter or priorities isn't it. His terror of fatherhood can't be too great.

Edited February 11, 2008 by HisLove

[a4a]

I've never known one parent regretful for having their child.

 

I know many...... hell watch the news people kill their own kids everyday.

 

 

IMO, she'll have a much closer bond with that "brat" than she ever did with her husband.

 

Nothing like looking to fill a void

 

Her husband sounds like a selfish bum, no offense.

 

How is it selfish?- as they both agreed to not have children?

 

Children love unconditionally (NO THEY DONT).. it's an amazing experience.

 

Yes that is what the Mencia brothers parents thought.

 

Your husband loves CONDITIONALLY and it's a completely unselfish type of love from a child.

 

It is completely selfish love from a child.... cry, gimme, I want..... a baby or small child only is concerned about it's own needs. Ask a person with Teenagers....... yeah they love you unconditionally - alrighty!

 

 

 

In 20 years she'll be thinking, " I cannot believe I gave up a child all for a man!- a loser at that."

 

In 20 years she will be 60ish and happily trekking around the world with all that saved money and secure in her finances having a ball.

 

What happens if he dies early or has health problems etc down the road and she is left all alone...

 

Well hopefully they have a good life insurance policy, she can get a pool and a pool boy to play with..... - &**^ happens..... even better if he croaked and left her with a litter of kids huh?

 

 

she gave up a big thing in her life just a for some odd years living with a loser who never took her feelings into consideration.

 

You must have missed the point that this marriage was agreed upon to be childfree before the "I do's".

 

 

Women are weak- end of story.

 

Yes, and some Women are catty as hell and insecure. They are told to have babies and think that is the only way to prove that they are worthy of oxygen. If they choose something else another women is just waiting to pounce to boost her own choice to be childburdened and make herself feel better about her own choice.

[Alison]

Hi, I started this thread some ... oh, six months ago. I appreciated much of the excellent advice I got. I was thinking about the state I was in back in February last night, and I thought I’d come back here and give an update, just in case someone else in a similar situation to me reads the thread and the comments.

 

I’m now happy to say that I am over the burning desire for a child. Following on from some of the advice here, I sought counseling to determine why I had changed my mind about wanting a child and to work through the longing. I isolated some of the issues that were at the heart of the matter – a combination of hormonal chaos, fear of missing out of a unique life experience, uncertainty about my life path and my choice of partner and some grief and anxiety caused simply by having a miscarriage. Time and talking to people allowed me to deal with the loss of opportunity presented by the brief pregnancy, and then get back to the other things in my life that were important before that. I cannot say that I am glad things have worked out as they did, for I have no basis upon which the make that judgment. I am certainly now aware of the positives of motherhood, and I can appreciate it as a worthy, even wonderful path. What I can say, however, is that I am again happy and comfortable with my childfree status, that I am very relieved that I didn’t run off and get pregnant or leave my wonderful husband. The fact I was seriously thinking of doing both those things is now unbelievable to me!

 

I can’t speak for all women who go through a crisis of faith about their own childfree status. But to anyone who is, my advice is this: WAIT. Don’t listen to just your hormones, especially when they are causing you to suddenly change your beliefs for reasons you can’t begin to comprehend. If you are like me, whatever urge it is that is driving you may pass, and you’ll be thankful that you didn’t make any rash decisions. And if you do decide, after some time, that you want kids more than anything, than at least you’ll know you made the right decision based on reason rather than raging hormones or emotion!

[CaterpillarGirl]

Thanks for updating us, and I'm happy to see that you have worked through everything. I wish you and your husband the best!

[almost famous]

Has your husband had a vascectomy? Because I really think that deep down you do want a child. If he hasn't had a vascectomy, you don't have to give up that dream, whether it means leaving him or not. He doesn't sound like the wonderful, supportive husband you make him out to be now (read Chrome Barracuda's post).

[LoyalGirl]

I just don't understand why so many people are questioning her decision to remain childless! She said she is now comfortable with her decision and has decided to make her husband the priority over the want/need for a child.

 

So many people seem to love beating a dead horse!

[almost famous]

Nope, just being realistic. I don't think she's following her heart. she thinks giving in to her man is more important, she's kissing his ass.