From OW to partner of 2 years - the honeymoon's over, believe me!

[twice_shy]

oh, honey, that's something I wouldn't wish on anyone, especially a starry-eyed OW who had high hopes for a relationship with her beloved.

 

I wouldn't say "especially a starry-eyed OW". But I would say "not even a starry-eyed OW".

 

Regardless, I have sypmathy for anyone who is physically abused. some of these men just need the brothers/fathers of the women they abuse to hand them down a good old Roy D. Mercer country aS$ whoopin.

[EnigmaXOXO]

What a fantastic, insightful, completely unbiased post!

 

It was a complete fluke. So don’t get too excited ... or I’ll only end up disappointing you.

[OWoman]

Now regarding this particular story, I really think this is more of a warning against abusive relationships than As.

 

Abusive relationships crop up in all kinds of situations, so it would seem reasonable to expect that there would be some present in xOW/xMM situations too. More likely? Less likely? Hard to say - I don't think any studies have been done on this (there aren't even any hard stats on relationships post-A, beyond the mythical "3%", but that's for another thread).

 

I do think, though, that MM in As are often conflicted - either about being in an A (because they struggle to reconcile themselves with the dishonesty involved, etc) or in some deeper, underlying way which leads them into the A in the first place. (MM are of course all different, and some may well not experience any conflict at all. But in those cases I'd be wary of cognitive dissonance and on the lookout for other signs of psychopathology). And where people are conflicted they are often stressed. And where they are stressed, they may be pushed into acting out in ways that are not "normal", and abuse may well be one of those.

 

Men who abuse typically profile as viewing men as "superior" to women, and themselves as having certain "rights" with regard to women by virtue of their masculinity (there is lots of literature on this). How far a leap of imagination does it require to imagine that these may be the same type of men who consider it their due to have an A if their W is not delivering to their expectations in a M? I think that is an argument that could be made, and which would need to be explored through careful and systematic collection and analysis of data before conclusions are drawn one way or another. But as a hypothesis, it does strike me at first blush as being credible.

 

Does that mean that MM in As are more prone to abuse than other men? I think that is conclusion that can't be sustained without data to substantiate it. Abuse in relationships is estimated at upwards of one in three relationships (depending on how "abuse" is defined), whether male on female, female on male, male on male or female on female; it occurs in all countries and classes and contexts, and is something EVERYONE should watch out for signs of - whether you're the BS, the OP, the SO or just a ONS. Abuse is everywhere and can happen to anyone. No one deserves it and no one should have to put up with it, whatever the history or dynamic of their relationship.

 

Wyld, I'm glad you got out - thanks for posting your story.

[serial muse]

I think the thing that made me saddest about this is that wyld mentioned his wife had been abused by him, too - and that he had previously cast his former relationship's troubles in very different terms to wyld. That doesn't mean that all men in A's are necessarily lying at this kind of pathological level about their relationships - it just suggests that yes, it does happen, and it's worth remembering that every story has three sides.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you, wyld. And I really hope his wife stays away too, this time.

Edited January 31, 2008 by serial muse

[jaslene2009]

You know, My granddmother use to say " Believe none of what you hear and all of what you see". In his marriage, you probably did not see the way he was treating her. I will tell you that I went through the same thing once. After I read his divorce decree, girlfriend........ I was looking at the same man she was talking about in those papers. He was emotionally abusive to me just like he was to her. You cannot always believe they are the victims. Sometimes the SO is glad to divorce him, so that she can be free of his abuse. I hope that you got out of that relationship and start to rebuild your self worth and self esteem. Good Luck My Friend.

Hi guys. You might remember me from a couple of years ago. I was

OW

for three months to a man I had known and adored for years. He left his wife and two children to be with me and I was elated. I had no guilt as I had heard

so

much about what an "unfulfilling, cold, unhappy" marriage he was in and truly believed we were soul mates, destined to be together etc.

What a fool I was!

I have just come out of a two year de facto relationship with this man. The first few months were just as I dreamed they would be, loving and tender, foundations being laid for a long and happy lifetime together. We connected on

so

many levels and I loved the way he protected and looked after me.

And then suddenly, the whole thing backflipped. His adoration became intense jealousy, his charm became vemon, he went from making me feel like a queen to calling me a whore. His tender touches turned to violence.

Yep - I found myself with the poster child for domestic violence. In two years, I had a mirror smashed over my head, a chipped shoulder, not to mention many headbutts, elbows, kicks etc. If I spoke to another man I was flirting, if a man came and spoke to me at one of his

gigs

(he is a musician) then it was my fault for putting my vibe out there. I couldn't win. In the end, I would look at the ground rather than have him imagine I was making eyes at someone.

He would cry and apologise and hate himself after a violent episode and I stayed with him. I held onto this man because I just couldn't accept the fact that I had been WRONG! It saddens me to say that I still loved him, loved his good side which showed less and less as time went by.

I finally left him after words he spoke that I don't even want to repeat. He went to hit me and I stared him in the eye and when he faltered, I took the opportunity to get in my car and go for good.

Of course, following the break-up there was a roller-coaster of "I can't live without you, I'll kill myself" to "You're a sl*t and I hate you and wish you would die". I changed my number a couple of months ago just to end it once and for all.

All this from a man I fought tooth and nail to get. What a fool I was to think I knew him better than his wife of 14 years (who I since found out was abused by him also).

Choose carefully who you fight for, ladies and gents.

 

[bentnotbroken]

It means they are more likely to LIE.

 

 

Bingo:confused:

[serial muse]

I dunno about that...I think single people can lie every bit as fluently.

 

The difference, to me, is that with a MM/MW the evidence of lying is generally right there.

You know, My granddmother use to say " Believe none of what you hear and all of what you see". In his marriage, you probably did not see the way he was treating her. I will tell you that I went through the same thing once. After I read his divorce decree, girlfriend........ I was looking at the same man she was talking about in those papers. He was emotionally abusive to me just like he was to her. You cannot always believe they are the victims.

 

Exactly! Whenever I've dated a man who told me his exes were all crazy, it always turned out to be a red flag - and I started to suspect that if they were crazy, he had a hand in making them that way. And that it would only be a matter of time before I'd become a story about a crazy ex, too.

Edited February 1, 2008 by serial muse

[nextel]

Hi guys. You might remember me from a couple of years ago. I was OW for three months to a man I had known and adored for years. He left his wife and two children to be with me and I was elated. I had no guilt as I had heard so much about what an "unfulfilling, cold, unhappy" marriage he was in and truly believed we were soul mates, destined to be together etc.

What a fool I was!

I have just come out of a two year de facto relationship with this man. The first few months were just as I dreamed they would be, loving and tender, foundations being laid for a long and happy lifetime together. We connected on so many levels and I loved the way he protected and looked after me.

And then suddenly, the whole thing backflipped. His adoration became intense jealousy, his charm became vemon, he went from making me feel like a queen to calling me a whore. His tender touches turned to violence.

Yep - I found myself with the poster child for domestic violence. In two years, I had a mirror smashed over my head, a chipped shoulder, not to mention many headbutts, elbows, kicks etc. If I spoke to another man I was flirting, if a man came and spoke to me at one of his gigs (he is a musician) then it was my fault for putting my vibe out there. I couldn't win. In the end, I would look at the ground rather than have him imagine I was making eyes at someone.

He would cry and apologise and hate himself after a violent episode and I stayed with him. I held onto this man because I just couldn't accept the fact that I had been WRONG! It saddens me to say that I still loved him, loved his good side which showed less and less as time went by.

I finally left him after words he spoke that I don't even want to repeat. He went to hit me and I stared him in the eye and when he faltered, I took the opportunity to get in my car and go for good.

Of course, following the break-up there was a roller-coaster of "I can't live without you, I'll kill myself" to "You're a sl*t and I hate you and wish you would die". I changed my number a couple of months ago just to end it once and for all.

All this from a man I fought tooth and nail to get. What a fool I was to think I knew him better than his wife of 14 years (who I since found out was abused by him also).

Choose carefully who you fight for, ladies and gents.

 

 

Most of the time, the warning signs are already on the wall and us women choose to ignore them.

[torranceshipman]

So glad to hear you are out of that WyldFlower, thanks for sharing your story - it is a sobering reminder that we don't always know people as well as we think!

 

And for anyone who flamed this post - you have huge baggage issues and problems of your own - show a little dignity and reserve flaming for posters who deserve it!-a woman who has just escaped from an abusive relationship and is doing her best to move forward positively isnt someone that should be getting flamed!