From OW to partner of 2 years - the honeymoon's over, believe me!

[wyldflower]

Hi guys. You might remember me from a couple of years ago. I was OW for three months to a man I had known and adored for years. He left his wife and two children to be with me and I was elated. I had no guilt as I had heard so much about what an "unfulfilling, cold, unhappy" marriage he was in and truly believed we were soul mates, destined to be together etc.

What a fool I was!

I have just come out of a two year de facto relationship with this man. The first few months were just as I dreamed they would be, loving and tender, foundations being laid for a long and happy lifetime together. We connected on so many levels and I loved the way he protected and looked after me.

And then suddenly, the whole thing backflipped. His adoration became intense jealousy, his charm became vemon, he went from making me feel like a queen to calling me a whore. His tender touches turned to violence.

Yep - I found myself with the poster child for domestic violence. In two years, I had a mirror smashed over my head, a chipped shoulder, not to mention many headbutts, elbows, kicks etc. If I spoke to another man I was flirting, if a man came and spoke to me at one of his gigs (he is a musician) then it was my fault for putting my vibe out there. I couldn't win. In the end, I would look at the ground rather than have him imagine I was making eyes at someone.

He would cry and apologise and hate himself after a violent episode and I stayed with him. I held onto this man because I just couldn't accept the fact that I had been WRONG! It saddens me to say that I still loved him, loved his good side which showed less and less as time went by.

I finally left him after words he spoke that I don't even want to repeat. He went to hit me and I stared him in the eye and when he faltered, I took the opportunity to get in my car and go for good.

Of course, following the break-up there was a roller-coaster of "I can't live without you, I'll kill myself" to "You're a sl*t and I hate you and wish you would die". I changed my number a couple of months ago just to end it once and for all.

All this from a man I fought tooth and nail to get. What a fool I was to think I knew him better than his wife of 14 years (who I since found out was abused by him also).

Choose carefully who you fight for, ladies and gents.

[wyldflower]

What a ridiculously defensive response.

Yes, he went back to his wife for three months (when I chose to end it the first time) and then straight back to me as soon as he could get away again. That was a three month separation out of two years. My story IS contardictory as most stories involving love are! Commonsense and love are often contradictory.

I'm just saying what happened, with or without your approval.

Thanks.

[wyldflower]

*contradictory

[quankanne]

oh, honey, that's something I wouldn't wish on anyone, especially a starry-eyed OW who had high hopes for a relationship with her beloved.

 

I'm sorry yours was such a hard lesson earned, but the good is that you are out of his grasp, and I think you may have unknowingly done his wife and children a huge favor when he left them for you (honestly not meaning this as a dig, but hoping you see that you may have saved her from an even worse fate, you know?).

 

you will survive this, just be strong and don't beat yourself over the fact that your guy turned out to be such an abusive jerk – you didn't know, you couldn't have known.

 

just walk away a sadder but definitely wiser person, and know that there are still good guys out there

 

hugs,

quank

[wyldflower]

Thank you so much for that. As I said to EEG earlier, contradictory as my story may seem, it is true.

A very hard lesson to learn but a lesson learned nonetheless. And I totally understand that I may have done his wife a favour...I hope I did. Unfortunately I think she will always go back to him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I remember your old posts. It is chilling to go back and read them after reading this. I'm glad you got out when you did. There is no telling where the abuse would have stopped.

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe she was warning some of the people who find themselves new to the situation. There are a lot of people who just lurk looking for guidance. I don't think it is contrived and should only upset those who aren't as sure about their involvement as they say they are. If you are sure and secure, their is no reason to be uncomfortable with someone who is just trying to show another possible consequence of affairs.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The OP was with her MM for 3 months...That's not long enough to know how someone will react to different situtions...And he was abusive...

 

Actually, it takes finally living with someone 24/7 for a year or more before the honeymoon phase/haze wears off and you really get down to the business of knowing someone when they’re not putting on their best to impress. So I’d caution anyone about being too smug about their given situation. Especially when it’s brand new. I know it took you much longer than that to discover the truth about your first husband being homosexual.

 

However, the best we can do is hope for a happy ending for everyone in spite of the odds. Hopefully things will turn out much better in your situation this time around, EEG. But if it doesn’t, I sure hope no one remembers your old user name and decides to dig up your old posts and pile on your pain by reminding you of your “contradictions” or your calling your views “contrived.” (oops!)

 

Then again ... crow is crunchy and good with catsup.

[quankanne]

And I totally understand that I may have done his wife a favour...I hope I did. Unfortunately I think she will always go back to him.

 

one can always hope and pray that being apart from him allowed her to see that theirs was not a healthy relationship. And that she's receiving counseling to move through this.

 

and speaking of which, are you getting counseling for yourself?

[Meaplus3]

Hi guys. You might remember me from a couple of years ago. I was OW for three months to a man I had known and adored for years. He left his wife and two children to be with me and I was elated. I had no guilt as I had heard so much about what an "unfulfilling, cold, unhappy" marriage he was in and truly believed we were soul mates, destined to be together etc.

What a fool I was!

I have just come out of a two year de facto relationship with this man. The first few months were just as I dreamed they would be, loving and tender, foundations being laid for a long and happy lifetime together. We connected on so many levels and I loved the way he protected and looked after me.

And then suddenly, the whole thing backflipped. His adoration became intense jealousy, his charm became vemon, he went from making me feel like a queen to calling me a whore. His tender touches turned to violence.

Yep - I found myself with the poster child for domestic violence. In two years, I had a mirror smashed over my head, a chipped shoulder, not to mention many headbutts, elbows, kicks etc. If I spoke to another man I was flirting, if a man came and spoke to me at one of his gigs (he is a musician) then it was my fault for putting my vibe out there. I couldn't win. In the end, I would look at the ground rather than have him imagine I was making eyes at someone.

He would cry and apologise and hate himself after a violent episode and I stayed with him. I held onto this man because I just couldn't accept the fact that I had been WRONG! It saddens me to say that I still loved him, loved his good side which showed less and less as time went by.

I finally left him after words he spoke that I don't even want to repeat. He went to hit me and I stared him in the eye and when he faltered, I took the opportunity to get in my car and go for good.

Of course, following the break-up there was a roller-coaster of "I can't live without you, I'll kill myself" to "You're a sl*t and I hate you and wish you would die". I changed my number a couple of months ago just to end it once and for all.

All this from a man I fought tooth and nail to get. What a fool I was to think I knew him better than his wife of 14 years (who I since found out was abused by him also).

Choose carefully who you fight for, ladies and gents.

 

wyldflower..... Oh gosh I am so sorry you this happened to you..it's just awful. This is a real eye opener..Thank's for sharing it . and Hug's to you.

 

AP:)

[norajane]

I'm so sorry wyldflower! That sounds like a nightmare.

 

I just don't understand why so many men think it's ok to beat up women?!

Yep - I found myself with the poster child for domestic violence. In two years, I had a mirror smashed over my head, a chipped shoulder, not to mention many headbutts, elbows, kicks etc.

 

Can you press charges for assault or something? This guy needs to be behind bars, not out there looking for another victim!

[OpenBook]

Wyldflower, I don't think your post is contrived at all. It's a fair warning to any woman who gets involved with a man - whether he's married, single, or somewhere in between. You just never know. And the only way to really find out is (like another poster has already said) to live with him day-in/day-out, 24/7 over an extended period of time... and even then, he could change the day you get married.

 

It's all a crapshoot, I say.

 

Thank God we've got our girlfriends!!

[wyldflower]

Wow - EEG is really getting defensive, isn't she? - to call sharing a story that makes me look like an absolute fool in the long run "contrived" is more than a little sad. And such venom being spat at the other posters!

I only hope you, EEG, never find yourself eating a large portion of humble pie as I did...I doubt you'd come on here and tell us about it anyway.

I haven't received counselling. I was always a strong girl (although that may sound CONTRADICTORY to some, having stayed in this abusive relationship) and I have discovered an inner-resilience far greater than I ever realised I had. I am calm, at peace - I know this is his affliction not mine.

Oh...and by the way, EEG - I was always a woman who said "if a man so much as raises his hand to me, I'm out the door". I always wondered why women would subject themselves to that. Far different to judge from an outside perspective than to actually live daily with the emotional turmoil, grieving for the man you thought was the one, and wanting things to be like they were at the start. You try to sound so learned, yet comments like "My honey is not abusive; And if he was, that would be the end of the R immediately...If he returned to his W, our R would be over that second..." belie your true self. You haven't lived it. You have no idea. Obviously.

[Chrome Barracuda]

And this people is just some of the consequences of having an affair. The wife should thank you, you took the scumbag off of her hands. lol.

[LakesideDream]

Wyld, Right up front, absolutely nobody deserves to be physically assaulted, beat up or defiled. That is totally unacceptable.

 

The concept of "emotional abuse" is a bit more nebulous. Men and women fight verbally and emotionally in very different ways. It's much harder to judge. Head Butts, and Black eyes are not.

 

Lucky for you that you escaped in one piece. That guy should never have been available to become a MM, he should have been in prison.

[wyldflower]

Here is a timeline for you, some clarity for you.

I was friends with him for years. I had a few romantic interludes with him during his many marriage breaks. Longest one was 6 weeks, in which he was an absolute darling and never really left my thoughts thereafter. I had not been OW at this point - they were separated on these occasions, although he was still married legally.

We started seeing each other seriously in August 05, he being a MM living at home at the time.

After 3 months, I called it quits because I had moral issues with it.

He left her and we moved in together for about 9 months, at which point, yes, I said everything was fine because I still desperately wanted it to be and loved him very much.

We split in September 2006, at which point he went straight back to his wife, where he stayed for 3 months.

In Dec 06, we started seeing each other again (have you not ever heard of how charming and convincing men like he are!?!)

In March 07 he left W again.

In May 07, he started being violent again and I was back in the cycle.

I left him for good in September 07.

 

As I said earlier - love is full of contradictions. Regardless of whether you think this sounds contrived, it's the truth and it's MY truth and a very painful time of my life. You seem so hellbent on convincing me I've dreamed this whole thing up and I really don't understand how any thinking, feeling person could do that.

 

The part of my earlier post relating to counseling was not addressing any particular member here.

Edited January 29, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed offensive language

[wyldflower]

You stated in your first post that you had a wonderful R and he left after 3 months, started abusing you and basically said be careful what you wish for to all us OW...EEG

 

Um...I think it is your inability to read things correctly that has led you to believe this doesn't add up. Looks like you are the one making things up, matey, because you're certainly stuffing words into my mouth that I never spoke. Go back and read my OP and take off your tunnel-visioned glasses this time and read it properly.

[erika2610]

Wyldflower - I know I PM'd you, but just decided to comment more anyways. First off, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I'm so glad you got yourself out of that situation! It took a lot of courage. I wish you all the best from here on in. Just ignore the ones who come in and doubt anything you have to say. Don't let them make you feel worse than you already have.

 

I find it rather aggravating that this girl has basically poured her heart out, and some people feel the need to just come in and make her feel worse. If your relationship is fine, then so be it. There should be no need to come in here spouting off, and being all defensive.

 

EEG - you know that if this ever does happen to you, and you do post your story here, that people would be here to support you. Why can't you do that here? Why do you feel the need to "call anybody out"? Ex OW are going to come in here and tell you our stories. If you don't want to here them because you think we're trying to rain on your parade, or however you see it - then just go into the threads where people have happy stories, and will tell you want you want to hear.

 

Wyldflower - *hugs*

[Lyssa]

His adoration became intense jealousy, his charm became vemon, he went from making me feel like a queen to calling me a whore. His tender touches turned to violence.

Yep - I found myself with the poster child for domestic violence. In two years, I had a mirror smashed over my head, a chipped shoulder, not to mention many headbutts, elbows, kicks etc. If I spoke to another man I was flirting, if a man came and spoke to me at one of his gigs (he is a musician) then it was my fault for putting my vibe out there. I couldn't win. In the end, I would look at the ground rather than have him imagine I was making eyes at someone.

He would cry and apologise and hate himself after a violent episode and I stayed with him. I held onto this man because I just couldn't accept the fact that I had been WRONG! It saddens me to say that I still loved him, loved his good side which showed less and less as time went by.

I finally left him after words he spoke that I don't even want to repeat. He went to hit me and I stared him in the eye and when he faltered, I took the opportunity to get in my car and go for good.

Of course, following the break-up there was a roller-coaster of "I can't live without you, I'll kill myself" to "You're a sl*t and I hate you and wish you would die". I changed my number a couple of months ago just to end it once and for all.

 

Wyldflower,

 

I'm sorry to hear of this! At the same time, I am glad to know that you got out of it. No one - man or woman - deserved to be treated in such a way that you've been treated by this sorry excuse of a man!

 

I know you will not fully recover from all the emotional and physical abuse but right now, you're in a better place. You're a strong woman for walking out on him.

 

Stay strong and all the best!

[wyldflower]

Thank you. I'm loving these hugs. Green Eyed Monsters aside, everyone has been wonderfully supportive.

xxxx

[outofdarkness]

Wyldflower,

 

I'm sorry to hear of this! At the same time, I am glad to know that you got out of it. No one - man or woman - deserved to be treated in such a way that you've been treated by this sorry excuse of a man!

 

I know you will not fully recover from all the emotional and physical abuse but right now, you're in a better place. You're a strong woman for walking out on him.

 

Stay strong and all the best!

I second this....Kudos to you for getting out.

[luvmy2ns]

P.S. And I'll bet that old GEL will be back sooner than you think!:bunny:

 

And that 'L' is a term used veeerrrrrry loosely.

 

Wyldflower, you'll be okay. And I sense your strength in your posts. You will get beyond this. *hugs*

[annabelle75]

I found nothing in any way cruel or offensive about EEG's posts. She merely pointed out contradictions in her story. So many people come in here and make up fairytales about their lives in order to rpove their own points. If you're like me and actually go back and read people's past posts (when they start new threads) you notice many of the outright lies and fabrications. If you are going to contradict yourself, don't be surprised if some one questions you on it.

 

Now regarding this particular story, I really think this is more of a warning against abusive relationships than As. On that count I am so very sorry you had to live through that. My sister was in an abusive marriige for ten years. She left twice and went back to him, only finally leaving when he assualted her infront of her friends (who called the police). I'm glad you didn't waste anymore than two years with him. I hope his W doesn't take him back again. No one deserves to live like that. God Bless.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If you're like me and actually go back and read people's past posts (when they start new threads) you notice many of the outright lies and fabrications.

 

I do and I have. You know what I saw?

 

The same thing we often see from posters who first come here. They’re unhappy, unfulfilled and frustrated with their current relationship situations. They desperately want change, so they seek the opinions of others hoping for a magic answer that will solve all their problems and spare them further pain. But if anyone suggests that “change” can only result by recognizing their unhealthy relationship addictions and cold-turkeying the object of their obsession ... that’s when you see the ‘addict’ side of them come up swinging.

 

And yes, they are extremely sensitive and combative. They rage out against the “naysayers,” the doubters and anyone who tries to put a pin in their fantasy bubble or negative spin on the relationship that elicits so much passion from them that it’s literally driving them crazy. After all, if it hurts soooo bad ... this must be true love! And the harder they fight, the more they convince themselves that they actually have something worth fighting for.

 

But if you look past the words and don’t get too caught up in all the fuzzy logic and “contradictions” ... what you might see is a little of yourself reflecting back at you. Most of us have been there at some point in our lives, no matter what kind of dysfunctional relationship situation we found ourselves in. Wyldflower is really no different than EEG or many of the other folks who were ... or still are ... at the same place she was only a short while ago.

 

It’s funny ... but those who have finally gotten through it to the other side will often go back and reread their old posts and no longer even recognize themselves. I think retrospection is a ‘good’ thing if it helps to keep you from ever slipping back to that dark place again. But it’s sad to see that people are so afraid or embarrassed by seeing that side of themselves that they try to run from it, hide from it, or pretend it never happened.

 

But not Wyldflower. She’s taking complete ownership of herself ... all the good parts and the bad parts. Just like a few other brave people, here. And I think there’s just a lot more for the rest of us to learn from her and others like her ... even if the picture they paint for us isn’t always so pretty to look at.

[twice_shy]

What a ridiculously defensive response.

Yes, he went back to his wife for three months (when I chose to end it the first time) and then straight back to me as soon as he could get away again. That was a three month separation out of two years. My story IS contardictory as most stories involving love are! Commonsense and love are often contradictory.

I'm just saying what happened, with or without your approval.

Thanks.

 

True, it was a defensive response. And I never have any sympathy for someone who messes around with other peoples spouses.

 

But since you have been the victim of physical abuse, for which there is never an excuse, I sure as hell aint gonna bash you.

 

However, this is what I have always believed...alot of people at this site, not saying you, especially when they are the OM/OW, will have everyone else try to believe that the problem is with the BS. That there is something they aren't doing right to keep the marriage happy. When in my opinoin it is complete selfishness of the cheater.

 

You're situation is first hand proof of that. His ex-wife could have been the most loving individual on the face of the earth and catered to his every need and he would still go out and cheat.

 

Please tell me you will never get involved with a MM again. Okay?