Red flag? Do I walk now?

[Mary3]

I agree that it's a red flag. My husband had two short marriages before me (he dumped them) and sure enough, he is dumping me after a short period of being married. A leopard doesn't change its spots. He either gets bored of women quickly or dumps you at the first - what he perceives as - mistake. On the other hand, I know a guy who was a bachelor until age 58. He is now a wonderful husband.

 

In any case, I would go for it hopeful that this time it may be different. But it definitely isn't a good sign.

 

How could anyone as beautiful as you RP get dumped ??? In appearance , intelligence and spirit.....

[D-Lish]

This is funny- I am the OP here and wrote this post a while ago.... I have since split from this guy but I am going to post his breka up letter to me for all of you to read because it's funny...

 

Back in a sec with the e-mail....

[D-Lish]

Here is the e-mail he sent me shortly after I informed him that I didn't want to be sleeping with him if he was going to be sleeping with other women at the same time.... lol

 

Hey D,

 

 

I thought I'd write you outside of that ****ty dating site, lol,

I had a lot of fun last night, I really like hanging out with you,

but you know I have commitment problems and I have this bizarre

fear of falling in love, just like you have a fear of jaws, and I don' t

think it's going to get any better right now, I really like you though,

and I want to keep in touch with you, even if there is no sex, cause

we always have too much fun together. I also want to be around when

you find a new business and take over the Hammer, the new queen bee D!!

anyway let me know, and you know I'm always down for a casual relationship

(with the fun stuff)

 

 

(Insert CP's name here)

xoxo

[Kamille]

Here is the e-mail he sent me shortly after I informed him that I didn't want to be sleeping with him if he was going to be sleeping with other women at the same time.... lol

 

You have a fear of jaws? the movies, the candies or the body parts?

[D-Lish]

hahaha...

 

On our last date we were talking about our greatest fears and I mentioned "sharks"... so we threw on JAWS the movie which we both claimed was our favorite movie...

 

We were pretty drunk and I asked him after the movie what his biggest fear was.... and before he could answer I blurted out "Falling in Looooove?" and we both had a big laugh because we both knew it to be true.

 

Well, I was right about this one. But the good thing is that I didn't allow myself to get emotionally involved with him because I trusted my instincts. Nice guy- and we had lots of fun, but I wasn't going to let him have even a little piece of my heart. I told him we could remain friends but I wouldn't be having a sexual relationship with him.

 

We haven't spoken since....lol

[Kamille]

 

Well, I was right about this one. But the good thing is that I didn't allow myself to get emotionally involved with him because I trusted my instincts. Nice guy- and we had lots of fun, but I wasn't going to let him have even a little piece of my heart. I told him we could remain friends but I wouldn't be having a sexual relationship with him.

 

 

See? You do know how to take care of yourself D!

[D-Lish]

Sometimes... lol. As do you!

 

I guess some people just affect you differently than others.

For some reason I just never let this guy in.

 

It's weird to be able to remain emotionally distant and detached from some lovers and not others. I never realized I was capable of doing that.

I have had a lover on and off for a few months- someone I see once every three weeks or so and talk to pretty much daily on MSN.... but it's the same thing with him. I like him- but I have no emotional attachment to him.

 

Yet- this stupid jerk of a 22 year old that I met in November??? I can't rid myself of him. I dream about him, think about him, wonder what he is doing- and still shed some tears over him a few times a week.

Weird.

[Kamille]

Sometimes... lol. As do you!

 

I guess some people just affect you differently than others.

For some reason I just never let this guy in.

 

It's weird to be able to remain emotionally distant and detached from some lovers and not others. I never realized I was capable of doing that.

I have had a lover on and off for a few months- someone I see once every three weeks or so and talk to pretty much daily on MSN.... but it's the same thing with him. I like him- but I have no emotional attachment to him.

 

Yet- this stupid jerk of a 22 year old that I met in November??? I can't rid myself of him. I dream about him, think about him, wonder what he is doing- and still shed some tears over him a few times a week.

Weird.

 

I find the ones I have a hard time getting over the one with too many what ifs and unanswered questions. I don't know if there is wisdom to be gleemed from that insight. But when I know where I stand and why it is that I am standing there, it's much easier to let go.

[DanielMadr]

There were times when people got married with clean sheet - no dating experiences whatsoever.

 

Being hurt after 8 year long broken relationship that is a red flag.

 

D-Lish, you said something about chemistry and great this and that, how come you always see some problems?

[DanielMadr]

But the good thing is that I didn't allow myself to get emotionally involved with him because I trusted my instincts. Nice guy- and we had lots of fun, but I wasn't going to let him have even a little piece of my heart. I told him we could remain friends but I wouldn't be having a sexual relationship with him.

 

We haven't spoken since....lol

 

And now who is the phobic one?

[D-Lish]

There were times when people got married with clean sheet - no dating experiences whatsoever.

 

Being hurt after 8 year long broken relationship that is a red flag.

 

D-Lish, you said something about chemistry and great this and that, how come you always see some problems?

 

Well, I was right to see problems with this particular one.

 

I guess because I know that having chemistry doesn't always mean things will work out.

[DanielMadr]

Commitment phobia = one is afraid to open up / to give a piece of your heart .....like you just said.

 

Sometimes we see in others faults that are in reality our faults.

 

This guy just seems too nice to me. I dont believe his commitment phobia is the real reason for rejection.

 

I think he was just too wussy - how would you know his dating history otherwise.

[D-Lish]

Commitment phobia = one is afraid to open up / to give a piece of your heart .....like you just said.

 

Sometimes we see in others faults that are in reality our faults.

 

This guy just seems too nice to me. I dont believe his commitment phobia is the real reason for rejection.

 

I think he was just too wussy - how would you know his dating history otherwise.

 

No, I do believe he has commitment phobia. I know his dating history because we were pretty open and honest with one another.

I also know his parents had a pretty brutal divorce when he was 12... and that at 31 he has never dated anyone for longer than 8 months.

 

We also did date long enough for me to recognize a lot of signs.

 

I don't think that everyone who rejects me is a comittment phobe- but I do think that he is.

 

He is a nice guy, and he is an honest guy. I respected that about him from day one.

 

We spoke at length about his fears regarding comittment.

On our third date- he was super drunk and told me he really liked me.... then he woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and started talking to me about "feeling pressure".... lol. And I certainly never put any pressure on him ever. On the contrary- I was always laid back. The next day we laughed about it and that's when he talked to me about how bad his parents divorce was and that he had great fears regarding going through the same thing or ever putting a child through that.

 

I don't think he was being a wussy. We never lied to one another- he was more or less an open book with me. He was very honest that he wanted to continue to date me- but with the intention of also dating and sleeping with others. It was me that wasn't okay with that- and his e-mail that I posted came after I told him that.

 

I can assure you that I had a pretty good read on this guy. I never felt rejected by him, and I don't think he used having this phobia as an excuse. I'm not saying he won't be able to overcome this at some point, but he isn't ready to tackle it rigth now. And I am okay with that.

[shadowofman]

I wish I could be a commitmento-phobe. I think I'm a commitmento-holic.

[DanielMadr]

No, I do believe he has commitment phobia. I know his dating history because we were pretty open and honest with one another.

I also know his parents had a pretty brutal divorce when he was 12... and that at 31 he has never dated anyone for longer than 8 months.

 

We also did date long enough for me to recognize a lot of signs.

 

I don't think that everyone who rejects me is a comittment phobe- but I do think that he is.

 

He is a nice guy, and he is an honest guy. I respected that about him from day one.

 

We spoke at length about his fears regarding comittment.

On our third date- he was super drunk and told me he really liked me.... then he woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and started talking to me about "feeling pressure".... lol. And I certainly never put any pressure on him ever. On the contrary- I was always laid back. The next day we laughed about it and that's when he talked to me about how bad his parents divorce was and that he had great fears regarding going through the same thing or ever putting a child through that.

 

I don't think he was being a wussy. We never lied to one another- he was more or less an open book with me. He was very honest that he wanted to continue to date me- but with the intention of also dating and sleeping with others. It was me that wasn't okay with that- and his e-mail that I posted came after I told him that.

 

I can assure you that I had a pretty good read on this guy. I never felt rejected by him, and I don't think he used having this phobia as an excuse. I'm not saying he won't be able to overcome this at some point, but he isn't ready to tackle it rigth now. And I am okay with that.

 

A few questions.

 

1. What signs did you recognize?

 

2. I thought you said to him you wont sleep with him. As opposed to:

On our third date- he was super drunk and told me he really liked me.... then he woke up in the middle of the night

 

3. He told you "I want sleep with other women besides you"?

 

 

And a few remarks.

 

Being an open book = wussy.

Saying 'I really like you' on third date = wussy.

 

 

I dont flame you and I certainly dont want you to change your mind about him. I just wanna know the dynamics behind it all.

[D-Lish]

A few questions.

 

1. What signs did you recognize?

 

He told me he had problems comitting to women and always had.

I saw the sign that he is almost 32 and never had a relationship longer than 8 months a bit of a red flag. Also- besides the 8 months, he had only had short term- 1-2 month relationships.

 

2. I thought you said to him you wont sleep with him. As opposed to:

 

3. He told you "I want sleep with other women besides you"?

 

I dated him for 6 weeks. The night he woke up in a cold sweat, I was just sleeping beside him- we hadn't slept together yet. We started having sex about a month into things. AFTER we started having sex I mentioned to him that it was important to me that if we were going to continue seeing one another and having a sexual relationship that I wasn't comfortable if he was planning on having sex with other women at the same time. he told me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else but wasn't sure he was ready to make that promise to me that he wouldn't. I said I was cool with that but wasn't going to continue on in a sexual relationship with him.

 

And a few remarks.

 

Being an open book = wussy.

Saying 'I really like you' on third date = wussy.

 

 

I dont flame you and I certainly dont want you to change your mind about him. I just wanna know the dynamics behind it all.

 

LOL, I didn't see him as being a wussy. I appreciated his honesty. I just know he isn't ready to settle down. He was/is a pretty cool guy. I think the decision I made was a smart one. I could have a friendship with him and not want to get involved with him emotionally. I didn't get overly attached to him.

 

But the biggest sign about him being comittment phobic was when he actually came out and said it....

[shadowofman]

In my mind, the fact that he said he couldn't promise to not have sex with others, means he's honorable man. IMO, if he doesn't want to be sexually monogamous now, and with you, there is very little chance that "the right girl" is ever going to convince him to "settle down". Either he will find a girl just as promiscuous as him, or he will eventually cave in to a monogamous promise with no ability to live up to it.

[DanielMadr]

I said I was cool with that but wasn't going to continue on in a sexual relationship with him.

 

Heh, heh LMAO. What is cool about not having sexual relationship?

 

It seems to me you were a little eager bunny and stood him in front of a wall. 'Am I your girlfriend now?' 'No? Not yet? Fine. But no sex until you decide.'

 

Not that it was bad move from your side. Who would want to be 2nd or 5th.

Maybe a little bit insecure - as opposed to 'of course he would have no feelings for other girls once he slept with you. And of course he will tell you when he starts with another girl because he respects you.'?!?

 

Wouldnt be better to just let it flow next time? Instead of forcing partner to make statements? I think it would freak out most of guys to verbally commit / promise to a girl he knows for a few weeks. I mean you have to suddenly make a very important decision. It reminds me of a movie...'I promise I will never die.'

 

It is emotional blackmail-cum-insecurity. Like 'Do you love me' question.Brrrrr.

 

I personally hate 'exclusivity talk' either it is too soon or it is already redundant.

 

Any improvements to the future?

[Walk]

I'm guessing D, that your read on this guy was accurate and I wouldn't second guess yourself on it. (not that you need my opinion on the matter, but just wanted to say I second your evaluation of the situation)

[Kamille]

Heh, heh LMAO. What is cool about not having sexual relationship?

 

It seems to me you were a little eager bunny and stood him in front of a wall. 'Am I your girlfriend now?' 'No? Not yet? Fine. But no sex until you decide.'

 

Not that it was bad move from your side. Who would want to be 2nd or 5th.

Maybe a little bit insecure - as opposed to 'of course he would have no feelings for other girls once he slept with you. And of course he will tell you when he starts with another girl because he respects you.'?!?

 

Wouldnt be better to just let it flow next time? Instead of forcing partner to make statements? I think it would freak out most of guys to verbally commit / promise to a girl he knows for a few weeks. I mean you have to suddenly make a very important decision. It reminds me of a movie...'I promise I will never die.'

 

It is emotional blackmail-cum-insecurity. Like 'Do you love me' question.Brrrrr.

 

I personally hate 'exclusivity talk' either it is too soon or it is already redundant.

 

Any improvements to the future?

 

The thing is, and I'm sure you would agree yourself, men are not some fragile little creatures incapable of commitment, blind to their own needs and desires. If a man tells you he is a commitmentphobe, well then, you better take it into account in your decisions to get emotionnally involved.

 

Not all men are afraid of commitment. In my LTRs, I have always found it easy to express concerns such as :"I want us to be exclusive if we are going to have sex" because the guys were mature enough to take me seriously. Not all guys run screaming the other way in the face of what is a very healthy request. If a guy can't have that conversation with me without squirming, or writing me an email telling me no-go, then I don't want to invest time and energy on him.

[DanielMadr]

The thing is, and I'm sure you would agree yourself, men are not some fragile little creatures incapable of commitment, blind to their own needs and desires. If a man tells you he is a commitmentphobe, well then, you better take it into account in your decisions to get emotionnally involved.

 

Not all men are afraid of commitment. In my LTRs, I have always found it easy to express concerns such as :"I want us to be exclusive if we are going to have sex" because the guys were mature enough to take me seriously. Not all guys run screaming the other way in the face of what is a very healthy request. If a guy can't have that conversation with me without squirming, or writing me an email telling me no-go, then I don't want to invest time and energy on him.

 

Yes all men are afraid of commitment. Some less, some more. It helps a lot when they are in love though.

 

What are you really asking by "I want us to be exclusive if we are going to have sex" ?

 

a) I want you to promise me to be my faithful boyfriend. And from now on dont look on other women.

 

or

 

b) I dont know where we are standing and I dont trust you. So if you happen to bang some other girl please tell me that so I stop sleep with to avoid catchig some nasty STD.

 

Yes you are right with his reaction. It was gay.

 

I myself consider exclusivity talk highly unromantic and unnecessary.

 

To the core....I think all this is just variation on "Does he love me enough?" question. And I believe when you have to ask these questions your boyfriend2be, it is already clear there is something wrong with his interest level or yours.

 

I believe she didnt like him that much and so rationalized her rejection by highlighting his flaw.

Dont get me wrong I see him as one big red flag. And she did good to drop him. I just dont believe that the reason was his phobia. If she would like him more she wouldnt even dare to go to these waters not to loose him. Instead she confronted him head on. Know what I mean?

[Kamille]

Yes all men are afraid of commitment. Some less, some more. It helps a lot when they are in love though.

 

What are you really asking by "I want us to be exclusive if we are going to have sex" ?

 

a) I want you to promise me to be my faithful boyfriend. And from now on dont look on other women.

 

or

 

b) I dont know where we are standing and I dont trust you. So if you happen to bang some other girl please tell me that so I stop sleep with to avoid catchig some nasty STD.

 

Yes you are right with his reaction. It was gay.

 

I myself consider exclusivity talk highly unromantic and unnecessary.

 

To the core....I think all this is just variation on "Does he love me enough?" question. And I believe when you have to ask these questions your boyfriend2be, it is already clear there is something wrong with his interest level or yours.

 

I believe she didnt like him that much and so rationalized her rejection by highlighting his flaw.

Dont get me wrong I see him as one big red flag. And she did good to drop him. I just dont believe that the reason was his phobia. If she would like him more she wouldnt even dare to go to these waters not to loose him. Instead she confronted him head on. Know what I mean?

 

I beg to differ, not all men are commitment phobic. In fact, I would say the majority of men are fully capable of commitment. Commitment is a choice one makes when all the right aspects fall into place. A few men are commitment phobic. This guy seems to have it pretty engrained. He shouldn't expect D or any woman to baby him because of it. He's an adult, fully capable of deciding whether or not he is willing to face his fears to open up his life to a significant other (and let his life be transformed by it).

 

I agree with you that in some instances, the exclusivity talk is brought out of insecurity. But it doesn't seem to be so in this case. It seemed to me to be rather healthy. D-Lish knew her own boundaries, asked him how he felt about it and he answered honestly. They both moved on. Fair is fair.

 

Tbh, in two of my 3 LTRS, my bfs brought up the topic of exclusivity. Yup, they wanted it. I thought the talk was romantic and was thrilled about it. I have to admit it probably works better if you wait for the man to bring up the talk. But if a woman thinks she is delluding herself into thinking her R is more intimate then it actually is, then I think she owes it to both herself and him to bring it up.

 

See even if I had been the one to bring it up, I wouldn't do it as a way to trap them, but because I am honest with myself - because I know myself, my needs and my boundaries. Because, in the end, I can only be responsible for myself and my well-being.

 

Now these :

 

a) I want you to promise me to be my faithful boyfriend. And from now on dont look on other women.

 

Slightly wrong: you can look at other women, but don't touch. In exchange, I promise to be attentive to your needs, love and care for you.

 

b) I dont know where we are standing and I dont trust you. So if you happen to bang some other girl please tell me that so I stop sleep with to avoid catchig some nasty STD.

 

LOL that made me laugh. First of all, D-Lish did trust him. She trusted him to be honest with her and he was. They were both able to make decisions that were healthy choices for them.

 

I would like to add another alternative:

 

c) I feel like we are at a point where our relationsip could be deepened by an intimate bond and out of respect for my own boundaries, I would like to see if you would agree to make this R exclusive.

 

See, the fact is, I don't need to have a man in my life, I chose to have one. And when I find someone I can love, trust and build something beautiful with, then I think exclusivity increases that bond.

 

I wonder if you might be a commitment-phobe in denial Daniel, hoping some woman will do all the necessary work to trap you into love. I know commitmen-phobia seemed to be all the rage amongst the guys when I was in my early twenties. And that's understandable, they're young, likely not financially secure and commitment-phobia is actually a great excuse to trap an unaware woman into doing things for you without you doing much things for them. But most men grow out of it and most women learn to avoid commitment-phobes. Most of my friends have way too much self-respect to put themselves in that precarious position.

[DanielMadr]

I beg to differ, not all men are commitment phobic. In fact, I would say the majority of men are fully capable of commitment. Commitment is a choice one makes when all the right aspects fall into place. A few men are commitment phobic. This guy seems to have it pretty engrained. He shouldn't expect D or any woman to baby him because of it. He's an adult, fully capable of deciding whether or not he is willing to face his fears to open up his life to a significant other (and let his life be transformed by it).

 

I agree with you that in some instances, the exclusivity talk is brought out of insecurity. But it doesn't seem to be so in this case. It seemed to me to be rather healthy. D-Lish knew her own boundaries, asked him how he felt about it and he answered honestly. They both moved on. Fair is fair.

No argue here. Like I already said. He was no good.

Tbh, in two of my 3 LTRS, my bfs brought up the topic of exclusivity. Yup, they wanted it. I thought the talk was romantic and was thrilled about it. I have to admit it probably works better if you wait for the man to bring up the talk. But if a woman thinks she is delluding herself into thinking her R is more intimate then it actually is, then I think she owes it to both herself and him to bring it up.

I think men feel better being single. Women need to feel secure in their relationships so they like it to be formal. So I think it is womens job to shift R on next step. But it is of course not a dogma. Can I ask you what went wrong in your R? I mean you were exclusive, they even brought it up so I suggest you dumped them?

 

See even if I had been the one to bring it up, I wouldn't do it as a way to trap them, but because I am honest with myself - because I know myself, my needs and my boundaries. Because, in the end, I can only be responsible for myself and my well-being.

Again the exclusivity talk seems to me so unromatic and too pragmatic. And Im deeply worried because I belived it goes like: 1st lets f@ck 2nd stay in my flat for weekend 3rd might as well move in to my flat 4th oh sh*t Im pregnant 5th will you marry me?

instead of speeches.

 

World where you can sleep around unless someone asks you to be exclusive is just lame. If he/she was sleeping around to the day you asked,then it wasnt love and the answer is NO. And if he/she wasnt sleeping around then asking for exclusivity is an insult or insecurity.

 

If I see a girl Im interested in and with whoom I slept to be holding hands with other guy....I say "Oh well, she doesnt love me. Bye" When one is interested in his potencional partner enough he/she wont be dating around.

 

Slightly wrong: you can look at other women, but don't touch. In exchange, I promise to be attentive to your needs, love and care for you.

It is the same. Why would you watch if cant touch anyway

 

LOL that made me laugh. First of all, D-Lish did trust him. She trusted him to be honest with her and he was. They were both able to make decisions that were healthy choices for them.

No she did not trust him. Thats why she asked to confirm her suspicion. You can trust criminal that he will confess to be one but you wont trust him to borrow him your car

I would like to add another alternative:

c) I feel like we are at a point where our relationsip could be deepened by an intimate bond and out of respect for my own boundaries, I would like to see if you would agree to make this R exclusive.

In other words: 'Im yours now and I want me to be yours'. Uh it sounds so much better than that lawyer statement. I still believe when there is need to put it in words the R is alreadydoomed, especially when a guy brings it up.Its statistic.

 

See, the fact is, I don't need to have a man in my life, I chose to have one. And when I find someone I can love, trust and build something beautiful with, then I think exclusivity increases that bond.

I know of better things to increase a bond. Like sharing toothbrush, adventerous vacation or emotional support. Compared to that exclusivity talk is just buzzz of a fly.

 

I wonder if you might be a commitment-phobe in denial Daniel, hoping some woman will do all the necessary work to trap you into love.

Of course Im commitment phobe. I survived a few dragging-in-the-bed/R moments, thats why Im certainly not hoping to experince it again.

Dont ever say Traps and Love in one sentence when dealing with commitment-phobe

 

I know commitmen-phobia seemed to be all the rage amongst the guys when I was in my early twenties. And that's understandable, they're young, likely not financially secure and commitment-phobia is actually a great excuse to trap an unaware woman into doing things for you without you doing much things for them. But most men grow out of it and most women learn to avoid commitment-phobes. Most of my friends have way too much self-respect to put themselves in that precarious position.

 

I dont think Im commitment-phobic either - you know panic attacks, uneasiness etc. Im just responsible one - I dont go to relationship because I need some "soul mate", room service or oral service 24/7. Meaning I dont mislead her or myself...only to break up after few months.

 

Thats for my motives explanation.

 

another note:

Im not very good example of a male specie. Im considered LTR option only when I pretend to be a wounded animal and even then the hell of insecurities, suspicions and jealousy begins shortly. I'll have to find some female war correspondent.

Edited March 3, 2008 by DanielMadr

[D-Lish]

Heh, heh LMAO. What is cool about not having sexual relationship?

 

It seems to me you were a little eager bunny and stood him in front of a wall. 'Am I your girlfriend now?' 'No? Not yet? Fine. But no sex until you decide.'

 

Not that it was bad move from your side. Who would want to be 2nd or 5th.

Maybe a little bit insecure - as opposed to 'of course he would have no feelings for other girls once he slept with you. And of course he will tell you when he starts with another girl because he respects you.'?!?

 

Wouldnt be better to just let it flow next time? Instead of forcing partner to make statements? I think it would freak out most of guys to verbally commit / promise to a girl he knows for a few weeks. I mean you have to suddenly make a very important decision. It reminds me of a movie...'I promise I will never die.'

 

It is emotional blackmail-cum-insecurity. Like 'Do you love me' question.Brrrrr.

 

I personally hate 'exclusivity talk' either it is too soon or it is already redundant.

 

Any improvements to the future?

 

Look- you're starting to REALLY piss me off here.

You have not understood anything I have said here. I'm not sure if it's a language barrier or you just haven't read what I am writing.

 

I never had an enotional attachment to this guy. I never once felt insecure about where I stood. I never went into it with the intention of making him my bf, nor did I put pressure on him. You're not listening.

 

I never pushed a gf talk on him- I discussed a SEXUAL HEALTH ISSUE. That issue was/is : "I don't want to put my sexual health at risk if you or I are going to be sleeping with other people". Plain and simple as that...and you're not getting it.

 

You're attacking me for being some crazy girl pushing a commitment on some poor guy and making it sound like I have a huge problem... what is that all about???????? After looking after myself and getting tested- I didn't want to put myself at risk for an STD. That's responsible- not crazy or misguided.

 

I don't know how many times I can explain the situation before you get it.

I didn't push for him to be my bf... I didn't get so far as to wonder if I even wanted that. I never had a gf talk with him- I never called him or invited him places, he did all the calling and asking and chasing- all I did was have fun with him. We joked and laughed and hung out for six weeks and he was the one doing all the spilling about feelings and crap- never me. There was never any whining or pushing from my end.

 

YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT.

 

My concern was my sexual health- does that make any sense to you whatsoever? You've really pissed me off. Why would I, as someone who respects myself choose to remain in a casual relationship with someone who could possibly put my health at risk by him sleeping with other chicks while we are sleeping together?

 

THAT WAS NOT SOMETHING I WANTED- and chose not to remain involved with him. If you think being concerned about sexual health and addressing that issue is tantamount to pushing an exclusive relationship on some poor unsuspecting guy then you have lost the whole point of my post completely.

 

I don't know how many times I have to bang my head against the wall with you- I DIDN'T PUSH A RELATIONSHIP ON THIS GUY- I had no insecurities whatsoever regarding where we stood with one another- and I didn't care enough about him to force any sort of comittment on him. I didn't even know what I wanted from him emotionally. We had fun- he never lied to me and I never wanted or tried to change his views because I DIDN'T WANT TO.

 

I had my fears of comitting as much as him- you've read this entire post wrong and lashed out at me for something you've contructed in your own small head.

 

Addressing sexual health is important in today's society- it was not the same as having a relationship talk at all. I was pretty damn open about keeping things casual- and quite happy with that- I just didn't want to have sex with him if he was banging lots of others.... I don't want to put myself at sexual risk!!!! Does that make sense to you at alll????

 

We're talking about one conversation I had with him in the entire 6 weeks where I said I was worried about my sexual health and didn't want to put myself at risk if he was going to be sleeping around. That wasn't me pushing anything but a health issue with him... don't you get that?

 

Don't post anymore lashing out BS at me for being an insecure whiney relationship pusher- you either have issues with me personally which is where your BS is coming from, or you aren't able to comprehend what I have written. Either way you need to back off.

 

Not too many people piss me off with their responses on this forum- but you have managed to do so in a huge way with your ridiculous unwarranted attack.

[RecordProducer]

How could anyone as beautiful as you RP get dumped ??? In appearance , intelligence and spirit.....

Thank you very much for the wonderful compliments, Mary. He feels pressure from his family to dump me. They are all (brother, father and his wife) hooked on my sister-in-law who hates me - precisely because she is jealous and feels threatened by my qualities. His brother is influenced by his wife and I suspect jealous of hubby's new young wife, too. Furthermore, hubby has emotional problems himself. Even if he would marry a perfect woman, which I certainly am not, he would push her away with his own issues. When I see how many groups that share similar faults thrive on malice and get along great, I realize that being OK automatically makes you an outsider. Just like your boss doesn't care how much money you give to charity, he only cares about how much profit you make for him; most in-laws don't care about how smart or free-spirited you are, or even how much you love their family member - they want you to kiss their asses indefinitely and tailor yourself according to their taste.

 

Commitment phobia = one is afraid to open up / to give a piece of your heart .....like you just said.

Sometimes we see in others faults that are in reality our faults.

This guy just seems too nice to me.

Did you read his letter in post #53? He explicitly admitted to be afraid of falling in love. That means he basically let her know that he is reluctant to fall in love and only wants sex. I don't see it as honesty, I see it as an honest self-defense in advance; he wants to make sure she knows what to expect. Because she wants a committed relationship, she doesn't want to date a guy who tells her after the first date "The chances for me to commit to you are very slim - take it or leave it." I would leave it, too. Edited March 4, 2008 by RecordProducer