Red flag? Do I walk now?

[Green]

thats a red flag, if you had asked me the same question I would have read your mind and said the number you wanted to hear

[Nemo]

thats a red flag, if you had asked me the same question I would have read your mind and said the number you wanted to hear

You're making me horny.

[oppath]

I have this concern. I'm 28. I didn't start dating until I was 24.5 . There are some issues and red flags there. I've had one six month and two five month relationships, and a four month relationship. So I've been in "relationships" for 2/3 of the time I've been dating. In all cases but one, it's been me wanting more commitment, and in that one, I really struggled with my decision, but ultimately ended it because I felt like I'd be staying with her just to get the monkey off of my back. Things were pretty good with her. And yes, I was resisting and scared of getting hurt. But mostly, I didn't feel like I could be fully myself around her and concluded it wouldn't be fair to her to continue, just so I could experience a longer relationship, when I was unsure. That's the wrong reason to be in a relationship.

 

There is a good chance I will be 30 without a longer relationship as I'll have my PhD in a year, and then I'll be moving and if I do post-doctoral research, a relationship will be even less likely. I'm not happy about it. I definitely fear it as a red flag. And yes, my inexperience may rear it's head in relationships, though I'd say it's mostly led me to make poor choices and stay in some of those relationships too long, not a fear of commitment. But the point is...while I have issues and yellow flags, it's not because of a lack of commitment.

 

I've had some women friends tell me "just lie and say one year." I can't do that. Sure, I can lie and tell them I'm a cardio trainer for the San Diego Padres if I meet them at the bar, but I can't lie otherwise.

[Green]

grow a pair and say 2 yrs live a little. And no one has ever asked me what my longest relationship was, not even the girl I had my longest relation ship with which was over a year

[Little Shy]

I don't know if I would necessarily call this a "red Flag" either. But I will tell you about my recent experiences. I live in a city where casual dating is a sport. In short, no one wants to commit.

I have dated several guys in the last few years that have had no significant long term commitments in their lives, or have not buckled down into a lengthy relationship for years & years.

There is usually a reason why. Are you aware that " I just haven't met anyone who really blows my mind" is a common excuse for commitment-phobes?

They truly believe that this is why they end each of their relationships, and more often than not, they ARE the ones to end them.

It is also the pattern of a commitment phobic to act obsessively into you right out the gate.

The more you let this guy take things at light speed, the quicker your relationship with him will end. I am also sorry to note, that he has a concerning feature about him which can peg him for being a "non commital" type. I now you probably don't want to hear this, because it clearly plays into part of what attracts you to him, but his is a MUSICIAN.

Ok, if there is one type of man that never wants to be in a long term relationship, it is a guy with a career in music. I have dated several of them.

It's a huge ego stroke, and completely flattering to think that a guy that is never really interested in spending much time with a woman now wants to spend a ton with you. IT IS THE BEGINNING, THINGS ARE STILL EXCITING FOR HIM. Perhaps the better information to seek from him at this point, would be to find out how fast he moved into things with each of these girls he left behind him.

The best thing you can do at this point is to SLOW HIM DOWN no matter how badly, or how much you want to see him. It might seem that your level of interest is the same right now, or perhaps that he might even dig you more. This is the pattern of the commitment phobe and if he is in fact one, the tables can turn so fast it will make your head spin.

You have got to control the pace of this relationship, if you want to be the girl that extends this guy beyond 8 months.

Listen, I was a commitment phobic myself for YEARS, and it took me years more to realize it. (I am a mid- 30 year old woman).

Now, as I am trying to work through these issues, and as life does have it's little ironies, it seems that all I ever find as dating partners are commitment phobics! I guess like attracts like huh?

So, I think I am pretty good at pegging them.

But I don't want to tell you that this guy absolutely is one in my opinion. It is probably too early to tell. All I am suggesting is that it wouldn't hurt to read up a bit on the nature & course of commitment phobic relationships, and do what you can on the preventative end just in case. And research FAST! Because if he is one, once you reach a point of "no return" with a true commitment phobe, it will be too late to salvage things.

The bible book on this topic is "Men Who Can't Love" How to recognize a commitment phobic man before he breaks your heart. Authors Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. The author himself is a recovering commitment phobic man, so you get right into the mind of this type of guy.

If your little attached photo is actually you blondie, you are clearly hot. You have a real interest in music too, which is also attractive to him probably. No wonder he is into you. The difference though, from what you've mentioned about yourself, is your PROVEN history of being able to commit to long term. I hope it works out with this guy if you really dig him. If not, you seem real cool, shouldn't have much of a problem I imagine finding another one.

And one more thing, I am sorry to make what might appear to be a broad generalization about musicians, god love em. And I do too! Trying to work things out myself right now with a new music man, but a bit scared because of it.

Best of luck to you, and get on Amazon & read that book!

[Little Shy]

I don't know if I would necessarily call this a "red Flag" either. But I will tell you about my recent experiences. I live in a city where casual dating is a sport. In short, no one wants to commit.

I have dated several guys in the last few years that have had no significant long term commitments in their lives, or have not buckled down into a lengthy relationship for years & years.

There is usually a reason why. Are you aware that " I just haven't met anyone who really blows my mind" is a common excuse for commitment-phobes?

They truly believe that this is why they end each of their relationships, and more often than not, they ARE the ones to end them.

It is also the pattern of a commitment phobic to act obsessively into you right out the gate.

The more you let this guy take things at light speed, the quicker your relationship with him will end. I am also sorry to note, that he has a concerning feature about him which can peg him for being a "non commital" type. I now you probably don't want to hear this, because it clearly plays into part of what attracts you to him, but his is a MUSICIAN.

Ok, if there is one type of man that never wants to be in a long term relationship, it is a guy with a career in music. I have dated several of them.

It's a huge ego stroke, and completely flattering to think that a guy that is never really interested in spending much time with a woman now wants to spend a ton with you. IT IS THE BEGINNING, THINGS ARE STILL EXCITING FOR HIM. Perhaps the better information to seek from him at this point, would be to find out how fast he moved into things with each of these girls he left behind him.

The best thing you can do at this point is to SLOW HIM DOWN no matter how badly, or how much you want to see him. It might seem that your level of interest is the same right now, or perhaps that he might even dig you more. This is the pattern of the commitment phobe and if he is in fact one, the tables can turn so fast it will make your head spin.

You have got to control the pace of this relationship, if you want to be the girl that extends this guy beyond 8 months.

Listen, I was a commitment phobic myself for YEARS, and it took me years more to realize it. (I am a mid- 30 year old woman).

Now, as I am trying to work through these issues, and as life does have it's little ironies, it seems that all I ever find as dating partners are commitment phobics! I guess like attracts like huh?

So, I think I am pretty good at pegging them.

But I don't want to tell you that this guy absolutely is one in my opinion. It is probably too early to tell. All I am suggesting is that it wouldn't hurt to read up a bit on the nature & course of commitment phobic relationships, and do what you can on the preventative end just in case. And research FAST! Because if he is one, once you reach a point of "no return" with a true commitment phobe, it will be too late to salvage things.

The bible book on this topic is "Men Who Can't Love" How to recognize a commitment phobic man before he breaks your heart. Authors Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. The author himself is a recovering commitment phobic man, so you get right into the mind of this type of guy.

If your little attached photo is actually you blondie, you are clearly hot. You have a real interest in music too, which is also attractive to him probably. No wonder he is into you. The difference though, from what you've mentioned about yourself, is your PROVEN history of being able to commit to long term. I hope it works out with this guy if you really dig him. If not, you seem real cool, shouldn't have much of a problem I imagine finding another one.

And one more thing, I am sorry to make what might appear to be a broad generalization about musicians, god love em. And I do too! Trying to work things out myself right now with a new music man, but a bit scared because of it.

Best of luck to you, and get on Amazon & read that book!

[peace_pipe]

This comes from someone who has been through a string of short term relationships.

 

Would you rather be with someone who settles?

 

I've had a string of short relationships and they all end because I address the drama. As soon as I stand up for myself, the relationship deteriorates. All the while, I don't even want a FLING, but that is what it turns into.

 

I don't understand how this would even be an issue...

[peace_pipe]

There is usually a reason why. Are you aware that " I just haven't met anyone who really blows my mind" is a common excuse for commitment-phobes?

 

You just described me, yet I am far from a commitment-phobe.

 

I've been dating a lot in the past few years and I usually end it. Go ahead and label me....

 

I end it because I WANT a long term relationship and few women are relationship material.

 

I have MANY guy friends and none of them are commitment phobes. They all want something meaningful.

 

"Commitment-phobe" is usually something a woman tells herself to feel better after a guy dumps her.

 

That's the truth from where I stand.

 

Guys don't go around thinking "I am so afraid of commitment" and then roll into a ball and cry.

 

Rather, we think "I am scared as hell of getting into a relationship with the WRONG woman."

[JamesM]

Personally, I would only view it as a red flag if the reason for each breakup worry you.

 

Why has each ended? If the reasons given are complete and honest, then relax. As you have found out dating is not simple. But if he is vague about his past and doesn't really want to discuss the reasons, then HE may be the reason. Then this is a red flag.

 

Remember...dating is always a risk no matter what the past says, but we date with our eyes wide open. After marriage, we need to shut them halfway.

[peace_pipe]

Why has each ended? If the reasons given are complete and honest, then relax. As you have found out dating is not simple. But if he is vague about his past and doesn't really want to discuss the reasons, then HE may be the reason. Then this is a red flag.

 

 

So what IF he tells you most of the relationships ended because of not being able to find relationship material. (baggage, etc.)

 

Then WHAT?

[D-Lish]

There is usually a reason why. Are you aware that " I just haven't met anyone who really blows my mind" is a common excuse for commitment-phobes?

They truly believe that this is why they end each of their relationships, and more often than not, they ARE the ones to end them.

It is also the pattern of a commitment phobic to act obsessively into you right out the gate.

 

 

Yes, I have certainly had that happen before.... which is why I brought up the instant infatuation.

 

I am playing it cool. He's been doing all the contacting and inviting. Just trying to feel things out.

 

Of course being in the music industry- he does have lots of opportunity to meet chicks. That doesn't really intimidate me. He's the kind of guy who seems to really appreciate substance and challenge. I just wonder if he needs that CONSTANTLY in order to remain interested.

 

I know you never want to go into a relationship with suspicion.... But you want to be smart about things- learn from past experiences, and make smart choices. I HAVE had experience with someone like this before- and it went bad. I do recognize this is not the same man.... just that there are similarities.

 

I am just planning to wait it out, take it slow and see how things go.

[D-Lish]

Personally, I would only view it as a red flag if the reason for each breakup worry you.

 

Why has each ended? If the reasons given are complete and honest, then relax. As you have found out dating is not simple. But if he is vague about his past and doesn't really want to discuss the reasons, then HE may be the reason. Then this is a red flag.

 

Remember...dating is always a risk no matter what the past says, but we date with our eyes wide open. After marriage, we need to shut them halfway.

 

His excuse for the break ups was usually that he just didn't feel "that magic, wow you really blow me away" feeling.

 

He did admit that he has been infatuated a lot.

 

Just little things I pick up.

[peace_pipe]

Yes, I have certainly had that happen before.... which is why I brought up the instant infatuation.

 

I am playing it cool. He's been doing all the contacting and inviting. Just trying to feel things out.

 

Of course being in the music industry- he does have lots of opportunity to meet chicks. That doesn't really intimidate me. He's the kind of guy who seems to really appreciate substance and challenge. I just wonder if he needs that CONSTANTLY in order to remain interested.

 

I know you never want to go into a relationship with suspicion.... But you want to be smart about things- learn from past experiences, and make smart choices. I HAVE had experience with someone like this before- and it went bad. I do recognize this is not the same man.... just that there are similarities.

 

I am just planning to wait it out, take it slow and see how things go.

 

Did you even consider my points? Just wondering what you think.

 

I'm just thinking of a guy like me who dumps women when their drama becomes unbearable. This, after trying to work things out in an adult way. Because of this, I haven't had a stable relationship in years.

 

Does that make me a commitment-phobe?

Edited January 28, 2008 by peace_pipe

[Art_Critic]

Isn't part of playing the field having the ability to just move onto the next person ?

 

DLish-.. If he turns out to be a commitment phoebe then just kick him to the curb.

 

I dated a girl once that was 31 and had been married once.. but her marriage only lasted for a few months..

When I met her she had mentioned on her profile that she had never been married..

 

I let it past because her story made sense.. but in reality she was not able to commit to him, me or anybody..

I made the decision to kick her to the curb after 5 months or so.. or course that isn't the whole story.. but it wouldn't do any good to tell the rest...

[peace_pipe]

Isn't part of playing the field having the ability to just move onto the next person ?

 

That's part of it.

 

The other part is realizing that no one and no relationship is PERFECT. Chances are, if you can't work through your differences with who you are with now, it will be the same with the next guy.

 

Working through differences takes time and patience. It also means you take some of the blame for the problems. Too many are incapable of this and move on, never really solving anything.

[Little Shy]

Hey Peace Pipe,

I don't call guys commitment phobes to make myself feel better after i get dumped. Ouch!

As I mentioned before, I am someone who struggles with commitment issues myself, and only would call a guy out as one if it were evident that that was his situation.

You say men are scared as hell of getting into a relationship with the wrong woman, who isn't? There is a difference between bailing out when the s*** starts to really hit the fan, and bailing out right when things start really getting good.

One thing that I had to address with myself, while trying to address my own phobic type reactions was why, if I claimed to want to be in a great relationship so bad, was I always deliberately gravitating towards people that it clearly wouldn't last with?

And all the while, telling myself, it's sooo hard to find a good guy without major baggage & issues. It's pretty damn hard when your subconscious is still looking at the wrong people at least.

Then it's easy to not address your own issues with commitment, because as long as you keep picking freaks, the problem is always theirs, not you. It only starts to get suspicious when you do elect to date a pretty cool person, then you start to "pick" at their flaws. Then who's got the problem?

[peace_pipe]

Then it's easy to not address your own issues with commitment, because as long as you keep picking freaks, the problem is always theirs, not you. It only starts to get suspicious when you do elect to date a pretty cool person, then you start to "pick" at their flaws. Then who's got the problem?

 

I know what you are saying, but I don't "pick".

 

I am generally accepting of who my mate is, unless it affects my happiness.

 

And the old adage of "You're looking for the wrong person".

 

Maybe "There's just too many selfish people out there it make it hard to find a good mate."

[Jilly Bean]

His excuse for the break ups was usually that he just didn't feel "that magic, wow you really blow me away" feeling.

 

He did admit that he has been infatuated a lot.

 

Just little things I pick up.

 

And it takes him 8 months to realize he doesn't feel any magic?

 

OK, I change my vote now, after what you just said. He sounds like the type of guy who is looking for the type of perfection that doesn't exist. Falls in love easily, then starts to pick her apart in his own mind until it eventually falls apart.

 

I think your gut may be working for you here, D.

[D-Lish]

You just described me, yet I am far from a commitment-phobe.

 

I've been dating a lot in the past few years and I usually end it. Go ahead and label me....

 

I end it because I WANT a long term relationship and few women are relationship material.

 

I have MANY guy friends and none of them are commitment phobes. They all want something meaningful.

 

"Commitment-phobe" is usually something a woman tells herself to feel better after a guy dumps her.

 

That's the truth from where I stand.

 

Guys don't go around thinking "I am so afraid of commitment" and then roll into a ball and cry.

 

Rather, we think "I am scared as hell of getting into a relationship with the WRONG woman."

 

No, I hear where you are coming from.

 

I too am scared as hell of getting involved with the wrong man. I guess that's why I ask certain questions and wonder about certain things at the beginning of a relationship. I've had a habit in my past of ignoring certain behaviors- which is why I wanted to bring this issue here and seek advice.

 

He discussed this notion he has that being in love means being happy 95% of the time with that person. I have never had that in a relationship- not even in my happiest, most compatible partners. It made me wonder if that is realistic and attainable. Can I measure up to making someone happy 95% of the time....

[oppath]

I too am scared as hell of getting involved with the wrong man. I guess that's why I ask certain questions and wonder about certain things at the beginning of a relationship. I've had a habit in my past of ignoring certain behaviors- which is why I wanted to bring this issue here and seek advice.

 

That's why we're single . We've all ignored behaviors but...

 

He discussed this notion he has that being in love means being happy 95% of the time with that person. I have never had that in a relationship- not even in my happiest, most compatible partners. It made me wonder if that is realistic and attainable. Can I measure up to making someone happy 95% of the time....

 

There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. You want someone you feel 95% connected to, but that doesn't mean you will be happy 95% of the time. If you want fairy tale bliss, I've seen some couples be that happy, but the fairy tale, as most of us know, doesn't always work out. Sometimes it blinds you. I'm not sure I agree with his notion of a good relationship either...yet it is possible he just hasn't met someone who has knocked his socks off. You'll find other indicators a few months in that don't require a year long investment if you pay attention.

 

You are running the risk of sabotaging the relationship, finding character flaws prematurely, if you analyze this too much. enjoy him, and revaluate after a couple months if it makes it that long. Don't evaluate throughout. For the first 3 months, be focused on "are we having lots of fun?" and "do I feel like I'm getting to know him and are we establishing real intimacy? Assess what you dislike after you get to know him. Don't take miniature yellow flags use to mark things underground and blow them into Red Flags carried by a crazy soccer fan.

[Florida]

You are running the risk of sabotaging the relationship, finding character flaws prematurely, if you analyze this too much. enjoy him, and revaluate after a couple months if it makes it that long. Don't evaluate throughout. For the first 3 months, be focused on "are we having lots of fun?" and "do I feel like I'm getting to know him and are we establishing real intimacy? Assess what you dislike after you get to know him. Don't take miniature yellow flags use to mark things underground and blow them into Red Flags carried by a crazy soccer fan.

 

Oppath makes some good points.

 

To add on:

 

You will know fairly soon if he is a commitment phobe, just keep your eyes open.

It is possible he is unrealistic in expectations, or closeted gay.

 

Did you see that sex and the city episode where Carrie mat the guy (Bon Jovi) in her therapist's office?

 

As they were lying in bed together, after dating, she asked him why he was in therapy, he answered "I lose interest in women as soon as I sleep with them".

 

Well definitely don't let that happen, and don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions.

Edited January 29, 2008 by Florida

[crystalapixy]

hmm...this situation sounds quite familiar. my boyfriend is 31 and has never had a relationship longer than a little over a year. and the one woman he did have that with- he was not in love with...my boyfriend also comes from a broken home. his parents had a very volatile relationship. the guy you're currently with might start to get cold feet as soon as this situation becomes too close for him. be careful, hun. you don't want to get burned. i know how it feels, because i am going through it right now and i am wondering what happened to the amazing chemistry.

[Letranger]

I think it's more of a light-pink flag. And I say go ahead. Full steam. Congratulations!

Totally agree! Gotta roll the dice! However, I have a feeling if you rejected him somewhere down the line, he'd be totally infatuated with you. Just a guess.

[Mary3]

Herpes generally isn't all over the body... unless it's the chicken pox strain.

 

Actually there is a rare case present where an immuno suppressed women had the herpes simplex virus which spread throughout her entire body and killed her. It was on DR G. the other night....

[RecordProducer]

I agree that it's a red flag. My husband had two short marriages before me (he dumped them) and sure enough, he is dumping me after a short period of being married. A leopard doesn't change its spots. He either gets bored of women quickly or dumps you at the first - what he perceives as - mistake. On the other hand, I know a guy who was a bachelor until age 58. He is now a wonderful husband.

 

In any case, I would go for it hopeful that this time it may be different. But it definitely isn't a good sign.