Random Username Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I feel like such a loser asking this, but here's scenario. I got NO life outside of work/school. So every week I go though a pattern, Monday-Friday I actually feel really good because I'm at work and go to school after, so I tend to "socialize" more, and also, being that most people kinda have similar routines on the weekdays, I feel normal, just like them. I don't feel alone, I feel like I have a life.. There's nothing weird about going to some place alone after work on a wednesday night, you know? But then Saturday comes around, and every weekend I instantly turned depressed and reclusive and a total waste basket. Then monday comes around, I'm fine again. Repeat this for the past 5 years and you got me. So, DATING. I tend to meet girls on the weekDAYS, so they see me as a totally normal guy. They might even LIKE me. But then, of course, what happens during the normal mon-fri is really more like a warming up for the real deal, which should happen on the weekEND. But that's my prob, is I feel so crappy on the weekend. Let me say first, I usually can manage the first couple of dates on the weekend. It's after the 3rd, 4th, etc.. that my loser weekend feeling comes back, and it seeps it's way into my attitude while I'm with my date. I just don't know how to get through this. It feels so hopeless. Anybody go through similar things? Or if you are a girl, have you dated guys like this, and what's your take on it?
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 You need to build up a social network. You're obviously social enough to get dates, why don't you have friends? Or... schedule your dates on weekdays.
Author Random Username Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 I do try to make the dates on weekdays, but then it's kind weird to date a girl on wednesday and then not make plans for saturday, don't you think? It's almost like saying--weekends, I'll stay home, and you can go out with your friends and get hit on by other men! Have fun hunny. Wouldn't the girl think the guy should want her to be all his on those precious weekends..
Lauriebell82 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Wait, I am not understanding this..why are you so miserable on the weekends? It sounds like you meet girls during the week and should look FORWARD to going out on the weekends. Do you have friends to go out with on the weekends? Just hanging out with guys could give you something to look forward to. What is it about weekends that makes you feel bad? You don't have anything to do? You don't have friends to go out with? You don't have work to occupy your time? You need to get to the root of WHY the weekends make you feel so bad and try to change that.
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I do try to make the dates on weekdays, but then it's kind weird to date a girl on wednesday and then not make plans for saturday, don't you think? It's almost like saying--weekends, I'll stay home, and you can go out with your friends and get hit on by other men! Have fun hunny. Wouldn't the girl think the guy should want her to be all his on those precious weekends.. Play it off like you're too busy to hang out with her on weekends. She'll be wishing she could come along. LB is right also. Find hobbies or groups or activities to keep you busy on the weekends. For example, I went salsa dancing friday and saturday night (there are lessons before the dancing) and swing dancing today and I will go again tomorrow night. I can meet up with friends for anything in the meantime. Or run errands, whatever. What about friends? If you can meet girls and get dates, I really don't see why you wouldn't have friends. Please explain it to us. We're not you so we don't understand.
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 You know what... you should schedule day-dates for the weekend days. If the date goes well enough, you'll be hanging out that night as well. go for a hike take her to the beach go shopping street fairs? museum/big city nearby goony golf/go carts dude, day-date possibilities are endless. if at a loss, suggest you guys go out together with her friends.
Author Random Username Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Well I'm slightly screwed up myself so I tend to date girls that got a few issues of their own. Like how I say I don't have friends to go out with, I can give you a long version of my story that might make you understand, but believe me, only my sisters and my momma could empathise. With everyone else, I gotta give the 2 sentence explanation, and usually that results in a blank stare. I appreciate the concern though!! For real, you don't get that on forums much these days. Hats off to you guys. As for the dating thing, those are some good things to do, that's kind of on the boat of things I do too. This is confusing, I know. I DO and CAN do weekend things. I take them to go shoot pool and have some drinks. I can go to a nice restaurant. We usually do casual things, but I'm game for those things. It's more the fact that I have nothing else beside her. Some girls notice this, and like it, because maybe they got low self esteem and nobody else wants them?? I don't know. But for the other ones, with them, I don't feel that warm fuzzy feeling that they enjoy this side of me. Like when they ask me "where's your friends?" in that kind of awkward hesitant way. It makes me feel worthless. I'm a scorpio, I sense things, and when I sense a girl feels I might be 'boring', that is hell to me. I can sense that like a 6th sense radar. And then it causes a chain reaction, in that I really do become a bore. Because I get anxiety that prevents me from being my real self. Anyway thanx people, I'm just feeling really bad right now.
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Glad we can help. So tell us the two-second reason of why you don't make new friends?
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I'm short and shy Neither of those should be insurmountable obstacles. How short? As for shyness, I can tell you honestly that it is ALL in your head!!! Fake it til you make it brotha! Btw... do you still live with your parents? How old are you? Just a couple of random hunches...
Author Random Username Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 I'm wonderin what your hunch is. I'm old enough to where I shoulda been over this about 20 years ago. I got my own place.. got a job.. but hey, this world ain't kind to the blind, ya know.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Tanbark is short and shy (kinda, anyway, in person) and quite the ladies man, or so I've heard. Perhaps he can teach you a thing or two... Tan?? Calling Tan??
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I'm wonderin what your hunch is. I'm old enough to where I shoulda been over this about 20 years ago. I got my own place.. got a job.. but hey, this world ain't kind to the blind, ya know. Ok good. You mentioned your parents so it almost made sense. I think you are operating within your own reality here. Living out a self-fulfilling prophecy. Find clubs that regularly do things you like to do, and be there every week. You'll be making friends before you know it. As for shyness... you just have to make a conscious decision to ignore the panic and it will go away eventually. I did. Tell yourself "life is too short. this ends NOW." and be done with it. When it comes right down to it, YOU control your own actions, and even if fear and insecurity are present, your reaction to those feelings is still a CONSCIOUS CHOICE. Choose to not be so introverted. Meet people.
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Even if you make no friends at the club, you can at least tell girls "Oh I was swing dancing for 5 hours on saturday, it was a blast, i'm so exhausted." or "yeah i went for a hike with a bunch of people all day sunday. we went up to this giant waterfall and i jumped off this cliff... it was amazing..."
Author Random Username Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Right. I gone through a good 5 year period of nothing but that. Prob is, it comes back. It goes in cycles. Right now, I'm at another "f this" cycle.. pretty much filling up my weekdays with classes, meetin people at school. Just feel so ughhh though. You know what the worst feeling is? I'll tell you.. Fighting the urge to kill yourself, pickin up your feet, being proactive, going out and doing everything you possibly know how to do, then wind up reading loveshack on saturday night. The agony does not end!!! But I will keep trying, that I can do. But like I told my sister, I just need a BREAK!!!! I need something good to happen, that is purely just some external random act of luck. Who's this tanbark guy?? That's cool, but here's my take on these 'I know a guy who's short and shy too but he's the ladies man' kind of guys... I bet a million dollars he has the personality of a superstar. (Think, william hung) Why CAN'T he just have an average joe personality though? Because, that's the way the world works. Guys like me, we're semi successful back in high school, but as adults, if we don't form that superstar personality we're out. I seen this a million times. I know guys like this. I know guys like the short superstar world famous dj with 100000 girls on his myspace. But that's not me. I can't be something I'm not. And you know what, I was actually pretty damn confident one time. It was the internet that ruined that!! The internet, a blessing and a curse.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I'm short and shy LOL, yeah so am I but I have a ton of friends and a bf. That sounds like an excuse. It sounds like you have extremly low self-esteem. Let me ask you this..what good qualities do you feel you have. Name them for me!
Lauriebell82 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Fighting the urge to kill yourself, pickin up your feet, being proactive, going out and doing everything you possibly know how to do, then wind up reading loveshack on saturday night. The agony does not end!!! Waoh, do you really feel that way? Seriously dude, have you talked to anyone about this? A therapist, a counselor? I see you have low self esteem, but wow if you really feel this way then you need to seek some therapy. Also, how has the internet "ruined you?"
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Right. I gone through a good 5 year period of nothing but that. Prob is, it comes back. It goes in cycles. Right now, I'm at another "f this" cycle.. pretty much filling up my weekdays with classes, meetin people at school. Just feel so ughhh though. You know what the worst feeling is? I'll tell you.. Fighting the urge to kill yourself, pickin up your feet, being proactive, going out and doing everything you possibly know how to do, then wind up reading loveshack on saturday night. The agony does not end!!! But I will keep trying, that I can do. I understand, I've been through exactly that. It's rough. But like I told my sister, I just need a BREAK!!!! I need something good to happen, that is purely just some external random act of luck. Who's this tanbark guy?? That's cool, but here's my take on these 'I know a guy who's short and shy too but he's the ladies man' kind of guys... I bet a million dollars he has the personality of a superstar. (Think, william hung) Why CAN'T he just have an average joe personality though? Because, that's the way the world works. Guys like me, we're semi successful back in high school, but as adults, if we don't form that superstar personality we're out. I seen this a million times. I know guys like this. I know guys like the short superstar world famous dj with 100000 girls on his myspace. But that's not me. I can't be something I'm not. And you know what, I was actually pretty damn confident one time. It was the internet that ruined that!! The internet, a blessing and a curse. All excuses. There is your personality, and then there are behaviors. Just because you change your behaviors does not make you a different person. My ex used to give me this BS as the reason she never cleaned up after herself. You don't need to change your personality, you need to change your attitude. There is a difference.
tanbark813 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Tanbark is short and shy (kinda, anyway, in person) and quite the ladies man, or so I've heard. Perhaps he can teach you a thing or two... Tan?? Calling Tan?? I prefer the term "quiet" to "shy" but I appreciate the recommendation. To Random Username (nice username, btw): I don't have the personality of a superstar by any means. I agree with Phateless that the problem is mainly your attitude and thinking you have less control over it than you do. He's also right with the "fake it 'til you make it" suggestion. The problem is that if you go out feeling like crap you're going to make the night end up that way. The better you feel about yourself, the better the night will be whether that's a date or just a night on the town. It sounds a little Dr. Phil-ish but that attitude and vibe you put out is picked up on by other people. Walk out of the house feeling "short and shy" and you'll be ignored. Walk out of the house feeling like a stud and that's what you'll be. That's not to say you should try to act like an arrogant prick, but just know your self-worth. You may have to force yourself at first to be in the right mindset but after a while you'll condition yourself to be like that. One thing that might help is to find some music that puts you in the right frame of mind and listen to that before heading out. I do that all the time. It's gotten to the point now that if I haven't been out in a while, just the act of getting ready and the smell of my jacket when I put it on instantly puts me in a good mood. The "short and shy" things are just bullshyt excuses. If you think they hinder you they will. As soon as you convince yourself they're not hindrances they will cease to be so. It's all in your mind. You also seem like you care more about what other people think of you than you do. It's about how you control the interaction. If a girl asks where your friends are and you feel the need to make up an excuse or defend yourself then you're in a submissive and reactive position. You don't need to make up stories about how you were out hiking everest and then went to go save babies from a burning building, you just need to not care what she thinks. Again, that's not to say you shouldn't care about your date at all or be a self-absorbed prick, but if you're not worried that she'll think poorly of you then it won't negatively affect your mood and, consequently, she's then in turn less likely to think less of you. Hopefully that makes sense. It is Monday morning, and I'm not sure the coffee has kicked in. It really just boils down to self-esteem. There are tricks for improving yourself but bottom line: The better you feel about yourself, the better other people will feel about you.
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 My best advice to myself has always been to worry more about what I think of her than what she thinks of me.
jcster Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 You sound a bit like a work-a-holic, by which I mean that you take all of your self worth from your work. You feel great when you're working, because it distracts you from your life. On the weekends, you don't have that distraction and it all comes tumbling back down. You don't have to be a social butterfly to have good weekends. Find something interesting to do that doesn't require a horde of people. Do you have any hobbies? Find one! See a movie! Find a few people to see a movie with and then eat afterward = instant social group, and you only need to spend an hour or so out of the entire evening socializing (and of that, 1/2 the time will be chewing). Don't force yourself to be something you're not - and it won't seem so daunting.
SuperHands Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 It definitley sounds to me here that you are suffering from severe low self esteem. You also seem to have fallen into a pattern. A pattern you have been living for 5 years. As you you know, if you do anything constantly over and over again for long enough, it becomes routine. When something becomes routine your mind begins to do it automatically for you (i.e. driving, riding a bike) and so every time you arrive at your weekend, your mind is saying 'ah. weekend. right, i'm supposed to be miserable now' and then your mind and body go into it's usual routine. The good news is, bad habits and routines can be broken. I know, because i've done it myself. If I was you, i'd get yourself on amazon and look at the self help books. Particularly focus on ones that will help you boost self esteem and boost confidence. I would say at this moment in time, you should focus on yourself. Breaking out of this habit is tough, but IS possible. People do it all the time. Some people wait around for something to happen that will break them out of this habit. But why wait, when you can get up right now and decide to do something about it?
Author Random Username Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Hey guys, just got out of class and I'm dead tired. I been checkin some of the messages earlier while I was at work and as I was driving to lunch I really thought about it, most of you are right my self esteem and confidence is pretty bad, the distraction of being at work and class just get's me through the week. I'm really tired right now and I can't think of what to write, but just wanted to check in so you know I'm actually readin all your comments. I had a response to all of this earlier today but couldn't post cause my boss was right behind me and I been slackin lately. I'll respond more when I'm awake!!
Phateless Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 All good, I'm right there with you. Lately I've been terrified of women.
Author Random Username Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Thanx phate. Dude, I started postin a response, but it's like 8 pages long!! So I thought about linking it off site and anyone interested can check it.. I dunno. It was more like I was typing it for myself, you know? Not really tryiing to get sympathy, more like a confession. This **** is like therapy to me. Well I'm savin it on notepad for now. Hey yo Tanbark, thanx for the long reply man. Yeah I do the 'fakin the phunk' ****. I've done it long ago, many times. It does work, I believe you. I know it's true. The prob with me is that because I have done it, and worked so hard for so many years (It's a lot of work man! It takes energy..) and I reverted back to square one, that's what takes all the juice out of me. You ever watch a basketball game (the LAKERS do this alllll the time) where they start off good, but by the half they're so down and you can feel the energy just sucked out. Then they make another burst in the 3rd, but lose the lead AGAIN. So by the 4th you see the look in their eyes--like why even try?? That's how I feel man. Life is hard. I know it's hard for everyone, but I always felt it was a little bit harder for me. I know that's a totally irrational thought.. like I'm not taking into account that OTHER people got problems way more serious.. but I don't know. I'm the definition of underacheiver. I know I could've done great things in life.. like to answer Laurie's question.. what good qualitites do I have? I have a lot!! I'm just too afraid to show them. I can jam on the guitar but I've never played to anyone, I can draw, design, skate snowboard everything. I'm multitalented.. I can ball too and you just gotta see the look on the 6footers face when I hang in the air and take them to school.. ahh man it's classic. It's just my damn self esteem. It's the angel on one shoulder devil on the other.. my devil has been saying bad things to myself ever since I can remember. His voice gets stronger and more persistent. I just got issues with chronically being the smallest guy in the room. It just... sucks! There's no other way to explain it until you lived in my shoes. Personally, I read these short guy posts and it makes me sick. I'm not like those guys. I think I'm one of the very few percentage who actaully has a legit issue with it. I never whined or acted like a wuss about it.. at least on the outside. But on the inside I have.. long before you read about it on forums like this. It's just been something I been aware of ever since .. like 18, 19.. I don't know. What I hate more is that it's because of guys like this that I'm not allowed to express or show any negative feelings about it. That's what I mean by the internet ruined me. It made me aware of people's attitudes, way of thinking, etc. I think I was better off pre-internet cause I didn't have this generalized view of how other people think. Anywa, damn I was hopin to post a shorter post but this one ended up bein long too! So I'll stop. But thanks guys for listenin.. this is better than therapy. Why get ripped off when you can just post here?? Well take care people.. I think in the long run I'll be arite.. just gettin this off my chest. Thanks again.
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