Sadcakesleo Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 hey Im just wondering that after treated your spouse bad(not cheating,just being mean), how you told or showed them you changed and did it work?
sb129 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 In this case, actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. The actions need to be consistent, heartfelt, and not a one off event. The person who is changing their actions shouldn't expect praise the first, second or even tenth time they act in the new way. The reward is a happier relationship and your partner staying with you and supporting you through the changes. You should be allowed a little but of leeway, but that really depends on the severity of the actions pre-"change". Repeated promises to change start to sound hollow after a while if they aren't followed through with changes in behaviour. Hope things work out for you, good luck.
Mr Zandos Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I dont think I treated my ex badly, I was a little paranoid at times as she would shut herself off and just not talk, if I asked her a question I would just get a blunt one word answer, this got me paranoid to the point when I was alone I would convince myself it was me that was the problem then talk to her mum or sister about it, but that got back to her which made her paranoid about me, its been 7 days since she ended it, I want to change, she said she does not trust me and I would love for her to trust me again, I was just a fool and know I can change, how the heck do you get her to believe that is my question?
Author Sadcakesleo Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 i dont have an answer either. Its been a week since my gf and i ended it(i think, our relationship is still up in the air) and ive done so much without being overwhelming. but she doesnt believe i have changed because she has given me so many chances. i know i have though.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 For me, I'd want to hear what the person has discovered about their prior behaviour -- how and where did it start, what need or desire were they hoping to fulfill, how are they planning to get that need/desire met in the future? Also, are they empathetic to how I felt when they acted out? That is, have they developed an ability to see things from a perspective other than their own? So basically, when they can tell me why they did what they did AND how it impacted on me...that's when I'll start to believe that they are truly serious about making a permanent change. And my trust will come sometime after because... To rebuild trust takes many, many months of consistently being able to see the new behaviour in action, or at the very least to see the person quickly recognizing - and making amends - when s/he slips back into their old, habitual way of relating.
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