l0stMike Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 (edited) Before I begin my tale of woe and heartache as we all have, I'd just like to say that this community is a great idea for people who are desperately searching for pure, unbiased advice. It's nice to know that there are people who will take time out of their day to help out a random Internet person in need. I thank everyone in advance for all of their advice. Maybe I should begin by telling you a bit about myself. I am a 22 year old dude, so I don't have as much experience under my belt as a lot of the people here. I am a nice, considerate, empathic guy who respects women, and I would never lie, cheat, or steal my way out of anything. I have very strong morals and I stick to them because they make me the person that I am. My ex was my first true love (if not the only...so far) but I never jeopardized her trust in me, and I never would, either. So, on to the story. My ex and I dated from September 2005 until the end of April 2007. We had our ups and downs like most couples have, sometimes more than we needed to, but we were happy together, and this girl loved me from the get-go. Her main issue with me was that it took me a long time to realize that I felt the same way about her, that i was IN LOVE with her. I blame this almost entirely on the fact that she was my first REAL relationship, and I didn't have the experience, skills, or time to effectively manage all of her wants and needs at certain times when she wanted me to. I didn't understand what true love was at that point in my life, and I later found out that this was it. I was just a young, naive little boy who didn't really know the best way to maintain a serious relationship or a serious connection with someone because I had never been in one before, and I had a lot of other responsibilities going on that kindof got in the way of realizing that. She wanted me to understand her feelings and perspectives more, and sometimes I kindof just took my own as the right way to handle things. I thought it was the right way to handle the situation, but it wasn't, and I regret not knowing that from the start. I wish I would have met someone before I met her, so I would have known these things coming into this relationship. Aside from that, we were literally best friends when we dated. The intimacy was great, the times we spent outside of the bed were great, everything was just great. We both had a lust for being the people we wanted to be in life regardless of what other people told us, and making our way through life living that ideal. She was a free spirit, and she was the perfect balance to me, because she was everything that I wasn't at most times. She was an outgoing fireball who spoke her mind and stuck to her beliefs, and I loved that about her. Although she is naturally stubborn at times, I don't blame her. You don't get what you want unless you stick to what you believe in. Long story short, I found like my other half in her, the part of me that was always missing. She completed me in every facet that I always wanted to be completed in, and I believe in that, and I haven't found it since. Regardless of all of this, we stayed together for 20 months, and as much as I guess she felt she was neglected or put on a lower peg than all the other responsibilities I had going on in my life (which I could not let falter), she stayed with me. She really did love me, and she believed in that until last spring when she finally became convinced that it wasn't true. Sad part is, last spring is when I really realized that I was truly in love with this girl. It took me a long while, but I knew it then. I showed it in my own way, too, by keeping memento objects that reminded me of her and kind of symbolized my love for her, and I told her often how much I loved her at this point in life. I really did, and I still do. To her though, it might have been too late (which I don't understand, because what is too late at 22?), or, well, you'll see in the next paragraph I guess... That's what I tell myself I understand out of the situation, at least. So, that's basically our history. The part I need advice on is what I'm getting into next. In December of 2006, I started to feel uncomfortable with who I was and where I was going in life. I was graduating college (she is still in it until this May), I am a web designer (which isn't something you can just get a solid job in in the real world), and I was so burnt out from my responsibilities from the 2006 year (I was president of the biggest organization at our college), that come last January, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was becoming uncomfortable with being me, and I just became unhappy with myself and my future. I became a bit anti-social and I got into a habit of doing things that kept me from dealing with the change that was going on in my life. I was so unhappy with myself that I just didn't have the energy to make her happy. How can a person make someone else happy when they can't even make themselves happy, you know? And five months later, we broke up on mutual terms. I thought I needed to grow up and figure my life out, and I thought she needed the same too. I also assumed we were going to get back together, which obviously didn't happen. I spent last summer trying to get her back. I took an internship near where she was working, and I didn't go see her or anything, but I did try to contact her for about two weeks until she just told me that she didn't want to see me anymore. Needless to say, I was devastated. I made a few mistakes out of emotion, as I'm sure plenty of us have, and none of them worked. She basically just wrote me out of her life, and I had no idea why. To this day, I'm still not too sure. In the fall, she went back to school, and I did as well to take a couple graduate classes and to start my own web business. I see her every now and then, but I don't try to text her or call her or anything as much as I want to. We ended up having an online conversation at the beginning of last December, and she just put up her wall and blocked out all the nice things I was saying to her, and was just being mean and cruel. Later that night, I ran into her and she was extremely drunk, and she told me that she didn't want to be mean like that to me, but she thought it was the only way I would listen. I told her that no matter what she said, I will still feel the same way about her because I know what kind of person she is on the inside regardless of how cruel she had spoke to me earlier. I do believe that, too. She ended up texting me while I was on vacation in Florida (where she's from) about a week or two later, asking when I left, and I responded, but she never got back to me. Then about a week ago, I got a call from her at 1:30 in the morning, and i called her back, but she didn't pick up. I still don't have any clue as to what either of those breaks in non-communication meant, and I don't want to play the "oh shes calling, I'm not going to pick up" game, because I don't feel that trickery and playing the hard-to-get-so-I-want-you game is the right thing to do. So, this is where I am today. I love this girl to pieces if you can't tell already, and I don't know what to do anymore. Thing is, I kindof did a lot of thinking over Christmas break and realized that I should be comfortable with myself and happy with myself and the dreams that I have for my future and my life regardless if their wild and crazy, and I finally feel like that. I haven't felt this good about myself in over 14 months, from the point I mentioned above. If I want my life to be the way I want it to be, it will be, and I will make it that way. My dilemma now is this: I want to show her that, and I want to call her and tell her that I have my life figured out and that I am finally happy again (because I believe that my unhappiness is what led to the downfall of our relationship), but I don't know what to do. After reading books and thinking and talking to people about this, I realized that it isn't up to me to change her or anyone else for that matter, and I will never be able to change someone or get her to realize anything. All I can do is tell her in the most sincere way possible how I feel about her without asking her for anything. I want to do that, but I don't know if I should. Even if I did know, I don't know how to go about it anymore. She really did love me, and I know that because it happened in a matter of days after we first met, but she got it in her head that she deserves better, because that's what she told me when she was really drunk that one night. She's completely right, she did and does deserve better, but I feel like I am better now, and I want the chance to show her that. I wouldn't have gone through all this trouble if I didn't really believe that I can be that better person. I just feel so bad about everything because I put her through my maturation process in all of 2007, and she felt the negative effects from that. I just feel so bad about it on some days because I care about her so much, but things just went sour because of how I felt about myself, and she felt the repercussions of that. I have considered becoming the friend, but I don't want to lie to myself or to her and pretend like that's what I want. I have told her how I feel about her, or did at least last summer, but I was an emotional wreck then and it might not have come out in the right way. I don't even know what the right way is anymore, to be honest, but I want to be honest with her and tell her that. I'm just afraid to. That's why I'm writing here today. I apologize for the long story, but I'm a long-winded guy by nature I guess, and I want you to understand the entire thing so that after reading it, you don't just say, "move on dude, shes not worth your time." I believe that this girl is worth fighting for, and I don't give up on what I believe in, ever. So, after all that, I'm stuck. If you have any advice, it is greatly appreciated, and I will be sticking to these forums to offer mine to your stories as well. Thanks everyone. And hopefully, fate really does exist. Edited January 27, 2008 by l0stMike
amplified Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Your story sounds exactly like mine. I did the same thing neglected and took some things for granted and she left without giving me another chance. She became a total bitch when I tried to reconsile and now doesn't even talk to me or message me (she blocked then erased me on msn). Everyday I go through what I would say to her now in my head and don't know if I should tell her...but she left me. Another voice in my head tells me that if it were real they would be around through the thick and the thin. Its true you can't make her realize your a better person and it may just push her even further if you try and convey that to her. All I could suggest is to follow your heart and work on you and hopefully someday things will get better (I know its hard) God bless...
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