Never_Sure Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 (edited) Hello everyone! I've been reading on here for a couple of years now, actually, and you're posts have always really helped me. So, having a problem of my own, I finally decided to join to ask for your opinion/advice (sorry, the post is a little long): So, I'm about to graduate college (I'm 23) and have had this one particular teacher now for a year (he's 31). I remember when he first started teaching here as an adjunct all of my friends thinking he was hot, but never really having an opinion on the matter myself. There were times, however, that whenever we would be at lunch during the same times, he would sit in close proximity to me, and I would catch him staring at me. Now, I don't think I'm bad looking, so I doubt he was thinking: "Dear GOD! That girl is hidious!" Regardless, when he became a full time professor he started the History Club; so, being a history major, I joined. This was two years ago. Well, being in the club, we naturally became friendlier and he often speaks to me, and emails me. However, it's never been about anything personal until recently. Anyway, I (like many girls here) have started to get a slight crush on him. It wasn't that big of a problem when I was just in the club (he wasn't my teacher in any classes, so there was no risk of him getting into trouble--my college is pretty accepting of teachers dating students as long as they are not in class with them). However, for the past year he has been my professor in two classes that were required for me to graduate. So, he is now my teacher. By now, I am sure he catches my slightly suggestive comments and flirty behavior; though, I do try to keep it to a minimum. However, he talks to me more now than he did before, and we talk about things that are not school related. Some examples: (1) we emailed about a particular interest we both have in something that was completely not related to history, and (2) we (just he and I) were talking about a particular historical work that we were reading in the club that happened to be about a teacher and student getting involved, and he said, "I shouldn't say this, but I think the reason he wanted to be her teacher is so he could be around her. He knew that if he spoke to her on any other level besides that of 'teacher/student' they both could get into trouble." Now he could have just been referring to the book, but I took it as him referring to us. Between comments like that, emailing on a more personal level, him staring at me in class (yet turning away when I catch him) seems to indicate that he likes me. Though, I must say: his moods toward me seem to change on a daily basis. For example, one day I was in his office and we were chatting about the homework in history, when he said: "Come by my office and visit me any time!" Then his whole demeanor suddenly changed and he said, "During my office hours, of course." And he turned around in his chair like he was indicating that I leave. However, as I was leaving, he said, "Well, you are coming to the history club meeting tonight, right?" What do you all think? I mean, how can I determine if he likes me? I like him very much and will be graduating soon. So, of course, I would wait until after graduation to approach him. But I'm wondering if I even should? What if I am mistaken? I mean, I would like to be able to go to him for recommendations after college (since I have had him as a club advisor and teacher). I'm torn as to what I should do! Your advice would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank you! Edited January 27, 2008 by Never_Sure
Trimmer Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Though, I must say: his moods toward me seem to change on a daily basis. For example, one day I was in his office and we were chatting about the homework in history, when he said: "Come by my office and visit me any time!" Then his whole demeanor suddenly changed and he said, "During my office hours, of course." And he turned around in his chair like he was indicating that I leave. However, as I was leaving, he said, "Well, you are coming to the history club meeting tonight, right?" He may be struggling himself with wanting to be friendly, but staying true to his responsibilities as your current teacher, kind of slipping and then catching himself to keep himself in line. What do you all think? I mean, how can I determine if he likes me? I like him very much and will be graduating soon. So, of course, I would wait until after graduation to approach him. But I'm wondering if I even should? What if I am mistaken? What would be so bad about that? First, I think that waiting until gradution is a good idea, since it seems that he may be trying to stay on the right side of "the line" while he is your teacher. And it doesn't sound like it's that far away, so stay friendly, but make it OK to keep things "normal" until graduation. Then, don't start out with a giant gesture of your undying devotion and love for him... Just go back to those friendly EMails about other-than-academic subjects and see how he responds. If he seems cool or ambivalent, then you will have an indication that maybe his interest wasn't all that strong, but you won't have embarrassed yourself. On the other hand, if he is interested, he will be unfettered by the "teacher/student" roles, and he will probably respond positively, and you can build up the intensity gradually, taking you cue from his responses, and go from there. What do you think?
klee Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Um, I would be very careful about this situation. And I am speaking from experience, although he is/was just a TA. But still, generally not cool to be interested in your students in this position. You don't want to burn any bridges. I did, and now I TOTALLY regret it. He may very well be attracted to you. I got all of those cues as well. IN fact, he even told me that he avoided calling on me in class a lot or conversing with me on breaks in class (it was a 3 hour class) because he liked me and didn't want me or anyone else to catch on. To make a long story short, we ended up hooking up. It was hot and super fun, but it ended badly and now (I can't say this enough) I REGRET it. In retrospect, I wish nothing had happened because I would like nothing more than for him to be like a mentor to me now. His knowledge and experience are far more valuable to me than some hot sex. But, I learned my lesson. Now I pay for it. Hope this helps! Good Luck!
Trimmer Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 klee - were you still a student at the time? Never_Sure sounded sure (oh, the irony!) that she would wait until after graduation to do anything...
Author Never_Sure Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Hello all! Thank you for your replies! Trimmer: Haha, the irony indeed! LOL, but yes, I am sure I won't be confronting him until after graduation, if at all. Now, that doesn't mean I won't continue my "innocent" flirting, and if he want's to confront me, I can't say I would say "No" to him even though he is my teacher. I mean, I really like this guy. He's intellectual, kind, has good character (which is why I doubt very much he would confront me about his feelings--if he even has them), and extremely good looking! We also have a lot in common. Haha, obviously I've probably thought about this more than he has, but I never even thought anything about it until all his mixed signals. Like, in class he totally ignores me (calls on other people, only looks at me if I'm not looking at him, etc.), but outside of class he is so personable with me. Klee, I have to say your comment helped me in that regard--so maybe he just doesn't want to be accused of favoring me over the rest of the class? I don't know. I am personable (in an appropriate manner) with lots of teachers, and they don't act the way he does. I do appreciate both of your comments. Ugh, he is so extremely attractive, I can barely keep myself from kissing him when we are in close proximity! Haha, that can be my disclosure to him on graduation: "Hey Dr. ______! Can I get a picture with you? Oh, and by the way *smootch*"
klee Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Yeah, I was/am a student. But it was after the class was over and he was (nor will be in the future) no longer my instructor. But I think that engaging in any type of physical or romantic relationship, even after graduation, might affect any kind of professional relationship they could have in the future. For example, letters of recommendation, etc. But I am not saying not to go for it at all! It can be quite fun, but I was not looking at the bigger picture while I was having that fun.
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