Nomad1 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 After dinner this evening, My STXW and I had a talk with our boys about post divorce child access arrangements. My boys are 13, 15 and 16. By the time we finished eating, my STXW looked at me and nodded to signal that I should start the talk. I don’t know why she didn’t start it herself. For those who haven’t read my previous posts, I started the divorce proceedings a few weeks ago and the house is on the market. We are still living in the same house. My STXW came out with ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’ line four months ago, out of the blue. It turned out she had become emotionally attached to an inmate awaiting deportation that she had been visiting in a support / counselling capacity. He is due to be released temporarily in a few days’ time. She has become totally besotted with him to the extent that she checks her and his horoscope each time she goes on the computer. It is insane! At the beginning of the break-up, she was like a yoyo for 3 months, one minute she would engage in intense physical intimacy with me only to say ‘oh sex complicates things’ after a couple of days. She did this five times in what became a predictable pattern. She would say that ‘it comes and goes’, whatever ‘it’ is! First she said ‘it could be the house’ etc. (we bought a new house less than a year ago), ‘maybe it is my mid-life crisis’ Things escalated to her wanting the divorce and the house sold. I made an appointment to see a solicitor before Christmas and at one point she asked me to stop the divorce and the house sale. She subsequently reversed to her original stance. I became exasperated with her behaviour and went to see a solicitor in the New Year to start the divorce. Anyway, since we agreed that childcare will be 50/50, the boys are likely to spend every other week in each house respectively. I explained to the boys the technicalities of the ongoing house sale, the divorce and what to expect when it all happens. I also said at the beginning that their mum and I cared about each other, but had to divorce as we grew apart and changed as people (I didn’t say that actually it was their mum who wanted to bail out as she became infatuated with another man). ‘She said, what a contradiction! We care about each other but we are divorcing’. I asked: ‘isn’t this what you suggested we should make sure they understand? She said yes, it just sounds strange. I explained to the boys that in recent months I had been spending a lot of time in my room and that over the next few weeks I aimed to spend more time with them. I said that the next few weeks will be the last period all five of us will be spending in the same house. My 13 year old was upset, so I asked him to come and sit on my lap. He did. The 15 year old was equally upset, but expressed it aggressively, by asking: ‘If say I am with mum and I have an argument with her, would I be able to come and stay at your house?’ I said that he should talk to his mum to resolve whatever is bothering him instead of just coming to my house. All this time, I felt so much pain inside me. My voice was wavering at one point. I tried to imagine what I would have felt like if my mum and dad had a similar talk with me. I felt dreadful. I am still feeling very tense from the experience. My STXW was composed and very business like. She added a few comments about how important it is not to play us against each other. Despite what she did to our family, I have made my peace with her. I agreed to forgetting about the past and staying on friendly terms for the sake of the boys. I still can’t get over how calm and composed she seemed. Perhaps I am more emotional than she is. Absolutely amazing! Nomad1
Trimmer Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Nomad - I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like you did a good job. If you want some reading material, here's my thread from a few years ago when I went through this same thing. My kids were younger at the time, but reading your post brought back all those memories. I admire your approach, and I'll make one suggestion that helped me. I eventually realized that I separated my wife into the different roles or "characters" she played in my life. On one hand, my wife had betrayed me, and my friend had essentially disowned me, but the mother of my children lived on, and was someone who I knew I still needed to have a healthy parental relationship with, in order for our kids to thrive the best. So I thought of my anger and hurt as being associated with the "wife" character, and did my best to have an even disposition with the "parent" character, and it let me establish a good parenting relationship, but still work out my hurt and anger and feelings about my wife and our marriage (within myself - once I accepted that things were over, it didn't do any good to dump them on her...) instead of just having to forget them and swallow them down and let them fester inside. It was just a way of separating my thoughts and feelings a little bit, and we've managed to establish a good, supportive parental relationship which I believe has benefitted our kids greatly (in comparison with what might have been, in a hostile type of situation...)
StillSame Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 First, you HAVE TO expose the whole situation to everyone she knows/respect. Affairs (including emtoional affairs) usually die within 6 months after exposure. If it's not exposed, it can carry on for years. Are you willing to take her back say 6 months down the road when she realize the reality of the situation?
annieo Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 First, you HAVE TO expose the whole situation to everyone she knows/respect. Affairs (including emtoional affairs) usually die within 6 months after exposure. If it's not exposed, it can carry on for years. Are you willing to take her back say 6 months down the road when she realize the reality of the situation? Are you suggesting that this man's children should be told about their mother's infatuation? To shame her, further disturb them? I'm not sure I get this.
StillSame Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Are you suggesting that this man's children should be told about their mother's infatuation? To shame her, further disturb them? I'm not sure I get this. If he has that intention in mind, I would strongly advise him not to tell the kids anything. But, if his intentions are pure which is to inform his kids (teens) about the truth of the reality and that he was not the one who want to break the family and that he will be their rock, then telling them the truth is not wrong, and actually encouraged. The truth is the truth. As long as it's told tastefully without ill intentions and without the truth being twisted, there is nothing wrong with informing his teens about it. If he continues to deal with the in-laws due to their ties to the kids, he might want to reveal the truth to them as well. The key is don't do it maliciously. If he is willing to wait, chances are his wife will (after he expose) realize the reality within a year. But, he as the right to walk away if she cheats, especially physically with an imate.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 If he has that intention in mind, I would strongly advise him not to tell the kids anything. But, if his intentions are pure which is to inform his kids (teens) about the truth of the reality and that he was not the one who want to break the family and that he will be their rock, then telling them the truth is not wrong, and actually encouraged. The truth is the truth. As long as it's told tastefully without ill intentions and without the truth being twisted, there is nothing wrong with informing his teens about it. If he continues to deal with the in-laws due to their ties to the kids, he might want to reveal the truth to them as well. The key is don't do it maliciously. If he is willing to wait, chances are his wife will (after he expose) realize the reality within a year. But, he as the right to walk away if she cheats, especially physically with an imate. The kids could potentially be put in danger by her actions are you expecting him to keep quiet about it? WTF??? Dating an ex-con out of prison, WTF is she thinking? Does she even know what he's in jail for? I hope he gets that divorce decree to state no overnight visitor's of the oppostie sex when the kids are over. That way that'll minimise this OM's effect around them. Let's see if she foolows it! I have a bad feeling about this! A serious bad feeling about this. Protect your kids!
StillSame Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 WTF??? Please don't quote me and write what you wrote above if you're not responding to me. Thanks.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) Please don't quote me and write what you wrote above if you're not responding to me. Thanks. The kids have a right to the truth. It's all gonna come out in the wash anyway's. Might as well let the kids know potential Step daddy, now OM is a ex-con with a long rap sheet. Whatever happened to protect the children? Damn. Edited January 28, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
StillSame Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) Okay let me paraphrase that better so you will understand your stupidity, and my response from me is: ... Screw you! lol. The kids have a right to the truth. It's all gonna come out in the wash anyway's. Might as well let the kids know potentail Step daddy, now OM is a ex-con with a long rap sheet. Whatever happened to protect the children? Damn. I am pro-exposure. Are you slow or something? (If you are, which is my guess, I am sorry AND I apologize for stating the obvious). Edited January 28, 2008 by StillSame
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Nomad1, Congrats for taking the high road! Reading your post, I could actually sense the pain and turmoil you must have been feeling...but you did a great job for your kids. I'd suggest that you continue to do exactly what you're doing -- focus on helping your boys feel as good as they possibly can under the circumstances. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by giving them any more cause to feel horrible about anything at all. In any event, they will soon enough be old enough to put bits and pieces together, and can then make their own decisions about their Dad and Mom's respective behaviour. Sending strength, Guidance and Protection for all of you.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 It was a long time ago for me, but your post brought back painful memories. Like Trimmer, I was also able to separate the "wife" and "mother", only divorcing one of the two. So many people lose sight of the fact that you'll still be tied together for years to come. Let that fact guide your decisions and actions as you move forward... Mr. Lucky
Author Nomad1 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 There was a time when I felt angry and resentful and was about to expose her to family, friends and colleagues. However, as I became more detached from her, I feel nothing but pity for her. She will no doubt emerge from her thick fog at some point, but all she will find is a caring father who is willing to work with her to raise the kids with least negative impact on their lives. Enough destruction has been caused already. I shall maintain a consistent co-operative co-parenting approach. Five, six months ago she was a caring mother and devoted wife. I don't like what she has turned into. She is constantly on the defensive, loses her temper at the drop of a hat and seems to be resentful and angry towards me! I like what Trimmer suggested. The idea of compartmentalising her different roles. Well, she is no longer my wife, but she is the mother of my children. The guy is in jail for fraud. As he is a foreign national he is due to be deported, but he has resisted it for so long. Apparently he has a history of heroine addiction. I don't know how my STXW has succumbed to his charm despite the red flags, despite her marriage of 17 yrs and her lovely children. I will never understand that, particularly that we had such healthy, and what I at least thought was a solid relationship. She will learn from her mistake in due course, but I won't be around. I don't believe in getting back together after cheating. I deserve better. Thank you all. Nomad1
ahah2322 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 hey Nomad1, i have only utter respect regarding your actions in dealing with this unfortunate situation. you are a great man and a father to your very lucky 3 sons. i wish you strength and resolution in this watershed of your life.
81West Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) So sorry you and your children are going through all this. Sorry for your wife too, as there is a strong possibility that she is being played by a psychopathic con man. These people are extraordinarily skilled at profound manipulation, and once the average person has been locked and sighted they are in deep trouble. While I am in no way minimizing your wife's responsibility, she really may be way over her head and completely overwhelmed and unable to protect herself. The ability to see what seems so clear to all of us looking in may have been stolen from her more than you realize. It might benefit you to read a couple of books I have read to see if you find any relevance. They are "Without Conscience" and "Snakes in Suits", both written or co-written by Dr. Robert Hare. The first one in particular is a fascinating and useful read for anyone who wants to understand and protect against the conscienceless among us. It sheds light on how smart, capable people find themselves in these situations to the complete mystification of friends, loved ones and the casual onlooker. The second one is more geared to the workplace, where one typical manifestation of psychopahty is the type of fraud your wife's 'friend' was imprisoned for. That second book also briefly details the story of an accomplished prison psychologist who threw away her career by falling for one of these types in the line of duty. If nothing else, it might provide some deeper insight to support your children more effectively once this all comes crashing down on your wife. Edited January 28, 2008 by 81West
Author Nomad1 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Thank you all for your comments, much appreciated. I am talking about the strength to control one's emotions. The strength to see the bigger picture. Yes it is difficult to zoom out when you are constantly zooming in on the particularities of the situation. The constant whys? I am not claiming to have a lot of that strength as yet, but I am working on it. I can see that I am getting there. My love and commitment to my children will get me there. I will not ever go back with my STBX, but I will be there to support her if she ever needs it. I know she will need it at some point given her situation. When you have lived with someone for 17 years as I have, you don't just stop caring about them. She will soon no longer be my wife, but she is the mother of my children. Nomad1
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Thank you all for your comments, much appreciated. I am talking about the strength to control one's emotions. The strength to see the bigger picture. Yes it is difficult to zoom out when you are constantly zooming in on the particularities of the situation. The constant whys? I am not claiming to have a lot of that strength as yet, but I am working on it. I can see that I am getting there. My love and commitment to my children will get me there. I will not ever go back with my STBX, but I will be there to support her if she ever needs it. I know she will need it at some point given her situation. When you have lived with someone for 17 years as I have, you don't just stop caring about them. She will soon no longer be my wife, but she is the mother of my children. Nomad1 Good. You are already doing good in your natural progression. But dont forget to protect your children. That is paramount. I suspect your gonna have a great life. Now go out there and get yours man!!!! lol.
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