Do I open the door?

[Sweetcheripie]

My mother had three sisters which she had very little contact. My mom was raised by her grandmother and didn't meet her mom and sisters until she was 16. Two aunts lived in Canada and one here in California. I never met the one in California and my parents often talked about her rotten personality.

 

My parents died several years ago in a car accident. The Aunt in California showed up at the Funeral. I decided I would try to mend fences and was warm and friendly with her. I felt sorry for her she has lived alone for all these years - has never married and no children so I offered her to come to our family functions etc. She ended up being as nasty as my parents said she was. She lied about me to the other aunts and said horrible things about my husband at the time. She actually laughed when I told her I was getting divorced and said I deserved it because I lived with my husband before we got married. So I stopped contact. Decided my parents knew best.

 

Well, now both the Aunts in Canada have passed away and they didn't have any children. So my Aunt in California is alone. She has no family left other than me. She has not made any moves to contact me or my children in many many years.

 

She is in her 70's and I think still working (out of her home).

 

It has been heavy on my mind to contact her. I know it is no big deal to just call her and say "hey, I'm here if you need anything" but for some reason I'm torn.

 

I really don't want her back in my life - she is very selfish, conceited and arrogant but she is an older woman now living alone and my kids and I are her only living relatives.

 

Would you open the door of communication or just keep it shut? Am I morally obligated? Am I being a selfish? I don't think she has any desire to contact me so maybe my call would not be considered a kind act but a rude interuption?

[Ronni_W]

No, you are not morally obligated nor would it be "selfish" to not invite her into your and your family's life.

 

I would actually consider it from a different perspective: Is this someone you want in your children's lives? Do you want to make them vulnerable to someone who likely will be critical, over-bearing and a negative influence?

 

I also have an aunt like this, and really do wish my mom (aunt's sister) would have made an effort to try to shield brother and me from aunt's viciousness and malicious gossip.

 

So...the "kind act" may be towards your kids, to not let this woman get close enough to be hurtful or otherwise damage their self-esteem.

 

If it feels appropriate, send a card and invite email contact. But you do NOT "owe" her anything at all, IMO.

[Sweetcheripie]

Good point Ronni. She has never acknowledged my children's existence and they are now teenagers.

 

I like the idea of dropping a note instead of calling. I don't know why it has been so heavy on my mind to contact her lately - really didn't give her a second thought for the last 10 years.

[Ronni_W]

I don't know why it has been so heavy on my mind to contact her lately

Just guessing...because you have a gentle, caring and compassionate heart?

 

But for me, being caring and compassionate includes taking care of the Self and ensuring that Self (and family) are treated with love, dignity and respect.

 

I also see it as your aunt experiencing the consequences of her own (mean and miserable) attitude and actions. Call it her "Karma" or "soul lessons" or whatever -- sometimes we just have to allow people to experience their world as they chose, over their lifetime, to create it for themselves.

 

It is extremely generous of you to even consider reaching out to her now -- I guess I could only suggest to make your decision from a place of empathy instead of guilt or sense of obligation.

 

God bless.

[Sweetcheripie]

Wow...an update!

 

Yesterday afternoon my aunt was SO strong on my mind that it was just weird so I went ahead and called (honestly hoping I would get the answering machine). Well... the poor thing. She was so excited that I called - said she had been praying for me to contact her. She has cancer. She is 84 years old, lives alone and has absolutely no other relatives other than me and my kids. Really broke my heart. She starts chemo this week.

 

We have moved a couple of times in the past 10 years and she said she had no idea how to contact me.

 

I'm not sure what to do for her but I do feel like there was some sort of Divine intervention that I was to contact her (that sounds sort of dramatic but the timing is just so odd). She lives a couple of hours away so I'm not sure how much real help I will be to her but I promised I would go to the next Oncology appt and that I would visit on the weekend. Because she doesn't know how she is going to be feeling I used that as the excuse that I wouldn't bring the kids. I want to see if she has changed or if she is still nasty before I expose my kids to that.

 

She broke into tears several times during our conversation - saying that my call was the sign she needed. So I guess if anybody else has a strong inkling to contact someone you have been out of contact for years - maybe you should. It might make a difference in their life.

[Ronni_W]

Good for you for listening to your "Inner Voice":bunny:. And thanks for updating the board.

 

I definitely believe in Divine Intervention...and that souls communicate on a higher level, which I guess is (or can be) part of the bigger "Intervention" process.

 

And well done for keeping in mind the "lower" (human-physical) level, and offering assistance while also proceeding carefully.

 

Wishing you and all involved nothing but positive interactions, and strength, comfort and Guidance as needed. God bless.