lbj123 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I was previously married, our break up having largely to due with physical/sexual incompatability. My XH has a lot of great qualities that many people would look for in a husband. he is generous, caring, worldly, successful, funny, comes from a warm and welcoming family, etc. But...being sexual with him was unfilfilling and disconnected. Looking back, I think I tried so hard to focus on all of the great things about him and rationalize that sex isn't everything, but I realized that physical intimacy is something I need in a life-partner, especially in the beginning years! We ended our marriage 1 1/2 ago. I really and truly do not regret my decision to end my marriage. I gained so much insight, and confidence. It helped me to understand the importance of believing in and taking care of myself. All that said, I sometimes get stuck on the idea than I may be searching for an impossible connection and I sometimes worry that in my quest for the right connection emotionally and physically, I may end up alone and sad and regretful. Is figuring out that you won't be happy settling for a relationship that has a lot of pieces but is missing something important a good thing, or am I being unrealistic? How much are we supposed to compromise? We're supposed to "take the bad with the good", am I the one in the wrong for not being able to take the bad? How do you know if a person in the "right" person? How do you figure out the "bads" you are willing to live with...and the good you absolutely need. How do you know if you're too picky?
Author lbj123 Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Yes, I work in a senior management full time position in a large corporate office. I work tremendously hard in my career and lots of long hours. Why do you ask?
GoodOnPaper Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Can't help regarding what it feels to find the right person, but I know what it feels like to settle. For me, it's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is "off", in spite of the rational justifications for how good the relationship "should" be. I went with the rational justifications and ignored the feeling -- bad way to go. Based on your description, it's easy to dismiss your ex-H's sexuality, but the truth is that many late Baby-Boomer and Gen-X males were raised to treat women with kid gloves and bend over backward to please them. It turns out this drastically erodes one's masculinity, but there probably is a tiger in him somewhere. One could argue that you weren't woman enough to bring it out.
amaysngrace Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I think settling comes from not being picky enough. So it's okay to be picky, you should be when you're deciding on whom to spend your time with and whom you give your love to. Sex is an important need we have. And if you weren't having your needs met by your ex husband then it can do damage to your own sexuality. Constant rejection by your ex husband probably left you feeling less of a woman. Undesirable. It's not really anyone's fault if a couple isn't sexually compatible. Nobody is right or wrong. They are just different. And it has a snowball effect. He doesn't want it. She feels undesirable. She loses confidence which makes him desire her even less. I don't blame you for leaving your marriage. It sounds like you left an unhealthy situation.
Author lbj123 Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 I think I should provide a little more detail...My H had sexual issues if you will that, and as a result felt tremendously self conscious about himself and his performance. I encouraged him to see a therapist and he resisted, and I caught him in a very hurtful lie related to his trying to seek help. I assure you that I tried tremendously hard to be supportive and to not put pressue on him, but as time went on, I lost all of my attraction to him. I lost interest in being physical with him. By the time he finally agreed to couples therapy, I had completely lost any bit of passion or desire that may have had a chance to grow. We went to MC for a couple of months, but it was just not right. We were both still young and had no children and few shared assets, so i decided, if I am this unhappy so early on, I am going to be someone that I dont want to be down the road....I felt that I may end up cheating on him down the road, and I felt that we both deserved something more complete.
Author lbj123 Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Getting back on track to the topic though...am I being too picky or just naive to think that I will find a man with who falls deeply in love with me and makes me feel loved and desired, and who I feel the same love and desire and happiness with, who is caring, warm, intelligent, interesting, and also sexy, passionate, exciting, confident, sexually in sync, who is also successful, determined, respected, wants to have children and raise a family... hmmm, what are some things that each of you feel you would be unhappy without in your life-long relationship?
AllInOne Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I don't think you can make a list of things that make someone good enough. There are so many variables to process I think you might just have to go with what feels right.
Tallisman Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 AllInOne, actually I think one should have of a list of qualities, and draw a circle on MUST have qualities. She now know that sexual compatibility rank very high in her list. For a minute I thought her XH went cold on her. It appears he has always been this way to some degree. Great if your partner has all the qualities you care most about, but the "right person" must meets my few MUST have qualities/core values is the right person, the rest of the learn to compromise and work on. Sure it may bug me, but its not the end on the world if she leaves the TOILET SEAT DOWN or insist on asking me UNIMPORTANT questions when I am watching sport with buddies:D
peace_pipe Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I'm sorry, but your ex-husband sounds like a great man. Too many folks don't realize that no relationship is perfect. NONE. Say you meet a great guy and 5 years down the he got testicular cancer. Would you leave him because he could not have sex with you? Or would you stand beside him like you promised to in your marriage vows? Every situation is different. However, this to me seems to be another case of our society's "throw it away mentality". People go through changes, I honestly feel that MANY WOMEN equate sexual attention to LOVE. I once had a girlfriend whom the sex had tapered off and she cheated, because I was working my ass off and we worked different schedules at the time. Do yourself and the man the favor. The next time a good guy comes along, don't base the relationship's value OR your self esteem on the frequency of sex.
amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 am I being too picky or just naive to think that I will find a man with who falls deeply in love with me and makes me feel loved and desired, and who I feel the same love and desire and happiness with I don't think you are being picky or naive at all. It's possible to find someone who you get along really well with, in every capacity. You will find some who say there is no such thing as a person like that for you. I disagree. I say those who say that haven't found that special person yet. You will also hear some people say they thought they found "the one" and then it turned out that they weren't "the one" after all. I say that they were "the one" at that particular time, just not for always as fate would have it.
Storyrider Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 The trick is finding the person you connect with on the right points. People will try to tell you what those connection points are, but they can't. The only one who can know is you.
peace_pipe Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I honestly feel that MANY WOMEN equate sexual attention to LOVE. I once had a girlfriend whom the sex had tapered off and she cheated, because I was working my ass off and we worked different schedules at the time. Do yourself and the man the favor. The next time a good guy comes along, don't base the relationship's value OR your self esteem on the frequency of sex. I am surprised that no one addressed this.
Storyrider Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 The next time a good guy comes along An excellent pair of size 6 shoes is useless if you wear a 7 1/2.
Nemo Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 An excellent pair of size 6 shoes is useless if you wear a 7 1/2. Put another way--every inch counts.
Florida Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I am surprised that no one addressed this. I think she said she felt disconnected and not passionate about him. Although she had a good bond in other ways. Very different from having different schedules where attention fell off, that is unfair for you peace_p but still different. I think it is harder for a woman to admit that is a priority for her (chemistry) because automatically she gets called out for having the wrong values. I say she was smart, it is a waste of their time if she felt low attraction for him, if I understand her post correctly. My opinion, you'll get what you need in the next partner, but he won't be able to meet your emotional needs. Then maybe you will meet one who will fill both emotional and chemistry, but it will not be strong in either way, more ho-hum. Then maybe you will meet the one who is perfect and breaks your heart by cheating or disappointing you tragically, after you invested your all. Pick your poison. Y'all know it's true.
Storyrider Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Put another way--every inch counts. That's a new take on Cinderella...
Storyrider Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Pick your poison. Y'all know it's true. This is so true. But. You have to find the poison your system can handle. And then in some cases, one woman's poison is another woman's pleasure.
FleshNBones Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I think it is harder for a woman to admit that is a priority for her (chemistry) because automatically she gets called out for having the wrong values. I say she was smart, it is a waste of their time if she felt low attraction for him, if I understand her post correctly. My opinion, you'll get what you need in the next partner, but he won't be able to meet your emotional needs. Then maybe you will meet one who will fill both emotional and chemistry, but it will not be strong in either way, more ho-hum.What happened to LOVE??? You can't have a healthy family without it. This talk about chemistry and attraction seems shallow to me. My first impression of the OP was one of boredom. That is why I asked her if she had a full-time job. I am suspicious of BORED women.
Nemo Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I am suspicious of BORED women. Most women get bored now and then. It usually starts happening shortly after puberty. Either that, or they take matters into their own hands.
CD111 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) lbj123, I feel like I am in the same boat as you. I wasn't married but was in a long term relationship with all around a great guy; however, he had confidence issues and our sex life had become mundane. I also tried to be encouraging, helpful, supportive and suggested ways to spice up our sex life. But, like you I too lost the passion for our relationship and decided to break up with him. In retrospect,I think many of our problems could have been hashed out and we could have stayed together; however, I don't know if that would have been enough. I really think he was a great guy, but not the great guy for me. At this point I am doubting whether I can find someone I am truly compatible with on the many levels which are important to me. Like you I am also career driven, work hard and don't like to settle. Since we broke up over a year ago, I have been questioning whether I handled the situation appropriately. Don't get me wrong I don't regret it one bit. I take it as a lesson learned and I will be a better partner for the next guy. I have talked with numerous women who are successful in their careers that have the same issues as you and I. Being successful in the academic and business world doesn't concur with settling, there is always something better to strive for; however, that logic can't be applied to relationships the same way. Yet, for us it is very hard not to since it have been ingrained in our brains. So I completely understand how you feel, when questioning whether you are searching for an unattainable connection with someone. I do think a physical connection with a partner is just as important as an emotional connection because when one declines the other is still there to help the relationship along. Recently, my dad gave me some advice I have been thinking about for a while and it goes like this. There are generally two kinds of relationships: 1) secure, very loving, you will be treated like a queen; however, your relationship will be boring, 2) fireworks, passion, romance, emotional ups and downs, drama, and you will probably get divorced. hahaha Very few of us find the happy medium. I am picky too. For now I will still say I want to have my main expectations met. I have decided, I am totally ok with the fact that I might be alone for a while. I am happy alone and can live a productive, fullfilling and meaningful life. I guess I didn't really give you any advice, but maybe a few things to think about BTW, I completely agree with who ever posted that many younger men have been raised to allow women to walk all over them and it's a shame. Edited January 29, 2008 by CD111
Zolie Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) I was previously married, our break up having largely to due with physical/sexual incompatability. My XH has a lot of great qualities that many people would look for in a husband. he is generous, caring, worldly, successful, funny, comes from a warm and welcoming family, etc. But...being sexual with him was unfilfilling and disconnected. I could have written that almost word for word. And for years I did what you did - focused on all of the good qualities, and telling myself it was just not my lot in life to have a frequent, fulfilling sex life. I figured I was lucky my lot in life did not include an abusive, lazy, lousy father for a husband, knowing that many wives do have to deal with all of that. We can't have it all, I thought, right? So, if I got everything in a husband, except a normal sex life, I should be content with that, right? Yeah, well it all sounds good on paper. And it might have continued to work, if his refusal to acknowledge and address my unhappiness about the lack of sex hadn't eventually destroyed my love for him. The resentment caused by that single act of refusal on his part was the cause of the slow, agonizing death of our marriage. The only way I know how to answer your question is that while I don't believe we can have everything we want in a spouse, we can prioritize what is acceptable to us, and what is not. Compromise is still a valuable part of marriage, but if the unacceptable items are intolerable - and the partner is unwilling to work on them or even acknowledge them - then it is time to decide if it is intolerable enough to leave or not. For you and me, it was time to leave. I often thought how ironic it was that my husband and I ended up married, when I know there are a million women out there who probably would have been happy to be married to a man such as him, even without the sex. All my life I always heard about women who liked their husbands just fine, but didn't want sex with them, and until the internet, I thought I was the ONLY woman in the world who wanted sex and whose husband didn't! You sound younger than me, so my guess is you will find a partner who can fulfill most of your needs. Good for you for not settling. Edited January 29, 2008 by Zolie
Author lbj123 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks to all for your feedback and encourgaement. It makes me feel a lot more hopeful to hear that people agree with me and have been in similar situations. In response to Florida's: "Pick your poison" quote -- TOTALLY AGREE...the next relationship I had after my marriage was the most physically connceted relationship I've ever had, but he was emotionally not where I needed him to be. So that's my point...
marlena Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) lbj, I would not have stayed in a marriage such as yours no matter how perfect he was in any every other sense but the one that meant so much to you. Intimacy, the need to connect physically, is, at its roots an emotional need, similar let's say, to the need of a baby or a child to be touched, fondled and cuddled. As human beings we all thrive on affection. Receiving affection is what keeps us healthy emotionally and mentally. Many a psychopath was born out of the complete absence of physical touch in his life, very often from his own caregivers, his parents. As to whether or not you will encounter that one special human being who will be able to fulfill all your needs, of course, I can not know. I doubt that one person can satisfy all our needs. That is perfection and perfection does not exist but in our romantic and idealistic hearts. Prince charming is best left to princesses in fairy tales. What we can all do, however, is know ourselves. Know our priorities and what it is we MOST desire to find in another person. For one person, physical affection may be high on the list while for another it may not be so important. This you have to figure out on your own. Intelligence? Humour? Honesty? What are the qualities that are important to you? If a person can fulfull the core qualities you are seeking, then, yes, you might find that special someone. It is unrealistic to expect someone to be EVERYTHING you would like someone to me. This is not settling. Staying in your marriage when physical love was so signifant to you, would have been settling. Rather its knowing what it is you want from a relationship, the fundamental qualities that you seek to find in another person. I am sure that once you meet that someone who has these basic qualities that you are seeking, then, his not having it ALL won't matter in the least. Edited February 1, 2008 by marlena
Author lbj123 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Marlena, thank you! As always, I totally connect with your beliefs, and with your mentality on relationships, and happiness, and on being true to ourselves. I would like to acknowledge the absolute most important aspects for me in a life partner, in no particular order, but I am keeping it to five things in keeping with the reality that I cannot have "everything" and I must accept certain traits in another that I may not consider "perfect". they are: -no matter what (how successful you are in your career, how much difficultly you have overcome, etc.) never letting go of being a child at heart...a child full of life, and wonder, and silliness and ease. I am a youthful soul, who is and needs to be with a person who can stay young at heart as they grow old -Someone who I can be myself with...a feeling of support and acceptance of who I am, and more specifically, a trust that that acceptance and support will continue even as I redefinte myself and grow -a natural physical intimacy and closeness, in a way that, even if it wanes or gets pushes aside by other aspects of life, is something that I can feel confident will always remain in some way, shape or form. Its hard to describe in words, but I am trying to tell of a feeling of desire and being desired, that, even when old and gray, can made you look at that person and smile to yourself, knowing that only the two of you know of the special, uninhibited, beautiful, intimate moments you have shared. Sexual desire may fade, but the memories of your passion for one another never will -independence and togetherness balanced - I need my life partner to cherish and look forward to our time together, and I also need him to cherish his own passions, friends and interests. -I am going to keep this to five things...so last I will say an enthusiasm for life; meaning an interest in educating oneself, an interest in exploring the unknown, and a happiness and gratefulness for the life you currently have, coupled with an overall motivation for making life the best it can possibly be. Even narrowing it down to five key traite, I think it will prove a difficult journey in finding someone who fits all of those needs. that list touches on things I simply cannot live a happy, fulfilled life without. I will also mention that it is essential to me that I am with a man who eventually would like to have a family. I know that having children is a must for me. Thanks again to everyone!
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