galaxy1282 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Ok...I know I am acting stupidly but I am going to write this anyway. I broke up with my ex fiance 4 months ago. I'm 25, he's 23. It was a LDR so everything was over the phone. We didn't talk for about 10 days after I ended it. But since then, we talk on the phone everyday! (He is almost always the one that calls me) I know it is not good for me to continue talking to him since it makes it impossible to move on, but he is my best friend. We were together for almost 4 years. I don't have a very large social circle so he is really all I have in terms of people to talk to. I still love him and I am pretty sure he still loves me. When we talk, he will often speak in the future tense regarding us. For example, he is in law school and he told me he was taking a class in tax law so he would be able to do "our taxes". He'll also suggest names for "our children" and talk about where we should live in 10 years. Continuing to talk to him is driving me crazy. I broke up with him and he keeps talking like we have a future. He is also constantly asking me to go visit him. He says that he needs me and really wants me around. But conversely, he'll also tell me about girls he is trying to talk to and going out to clubs with his friends to meet girls. (Very painful to hear) Several times I've contemplated getting back together with him, but I have to keep reminding myself how miserable I was with him and that usually snaps me back to reality. I know it is best to not talk to him but I don't want him out of my life. He is my best friend. There are so many things that I can talk about with him that no one else would understand. Plus, I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm pretty much a loner so if I cut him out of my life, that pretty much leaves nobody. Except for my mother who constantly tells me how foolish I am for still talking to him. Argh!!! alright... bring it on. Tell me how much of a fool I am acting like!
ElvenPriestess Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Well, you're not a fool, you're human! And you have feelings, quite natural. Now, on your side of the fence, you broke up with him, you want to move on, and with him calling you and talking the way he does he isn't respecting the decision. Then he mentions the other girls. Rather it is or not to hurt you, or if it's true or not, it IS hurting you. You're not over him, and won't be if this continues. On his side of the fence, yo u broke up with HIM, he hasn't let go of you, he wants to sort of pretend it's not true, lives a fantasy world of you two and the future, hence why he's talking the way he does. The only way for HIM to move on past all this would be to initiate NC. Now obviously, NC is what you both need to move on. But it's not easy what so ever. But you will both be stuck in this mind set, and unable to move on, should you continue with out giving it time. Why exactly did you break up with him?
Author galaxy1282 Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Simply put, I broke up with him because he wasn't treating me the way I thought I should be treated by someone who said they loved me. A large portion of the relationship was long distance. Whenever we saw each other, it was always me who went to see him. I can count the number of times he came to see me on one hand. There were a lot of times when I needed him to be there for me and he wasn't. For example, there have been several times when I was upset about something and I would tell him about it and he would just hang up on me because he didn't want to listen to me "whine and complain" all night. When we were still speaking of getting married. I was the only one who was saving money for the wedding. We are both students and I understood that he didn't have a lot of money, but neither did I and I still made an attempt to save. However, he had money to purchase an xbox 360 and several games. Plus a lot of other "unecessary" stuff. (but now that I'm not using the money for a wedding, I now have plans to purchase a flat screen TV ) I have learned from him that facebook can be a very hurtful application. He maintains and defends a relationship he has with another female. I don't believe he was cheating on me, but it was still what I would consider inappropriate. I can get into his facebook profile and I have seen some messages they were sending to each other. It sent me through the roof! On several occasions he has told me to see other people. How can you love someone and tell them to see other people? He never called when he said he would and I felt that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else in his life came before me and the relationship. I definitely felt like I was the only one working on/contributing to the relationship. I was miserable about 80% of the time. He's arrogant He's selfish We have different goals in life. I tried to attribute a lot of the problems to the distance and put up with them for a LONG time. However, I realized later on that it was more a lack of respect for me/ taking me for granted. I addressed the problems numerous times and he never changed. I got tired of being sad all the time. There are a few more things but I think I have said enough.
screwedup55 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I agree you're not a fool. I never went NC with my ex, because we are good friends. It's tough and probably not healthy. I lost her as a gf, I don't want to lose her as a friend. There is a lot of advice on this forum about NC and people's experience with NC. It's good to get other viewpoints, but you need to do what you think is best for you, not what other people think is best for you. If you want to do NC, that's great. If you don't, that's great too. There is no right or wrong, only life experiences.
CalamitousJane Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I was in contact with my ex for 2.5 years after we officially broke up, and he remained my "best friend" during that time. About six months ago I decided that if a man I'm incredibly attracted to wants to be my "best friend", then he'll need to marry me. We went around in circles on it for six months, with him desperate to stay "friends", calling me at all hours, acting jealous, wanting to stay connected with all aspects of my life, but still saying he doesn't love me enough to get married. Talking to him intimately slowly felt worse and worse - I could feel how much it was a addiction rather than a real pleasure. Three days ago I told him I could be his friend someday, bu not now. Somehow I managed to do enough crying and grieving that I'm really quite sure I won't have a problem sticking with NC now. I'm not even keeping track of NC days - it seems like a lot more than three. The first time I went NC with him, for almost a month, I was counting every minute. Right now I feel sad for him, but mainly very free and relieved.
Always Wrong Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Nope... not a fool. It's painful and simple. If it's making you ill not to be with him, and he wants you back, then go to him. If when you're with him he makes you miserable, then leave. Finding that perfect mixture of being there and not being there is the secret formula that some mad scientist has the answer to. We just need to find him and beat it out of him. Sounds like it's an all or nothing sort of thing. You need to do "ALL" that is good for you, or you're going to end up with nothing. Figure out what the deal breakers are and present them to him. If he cannot fulfill the requirements necessary to give you the feelings of security, love and compassion (guys aren't particularly good at this when they're younger), emotional awareness (paying enough attention to tell you are upset), without you having to hit him over the head, then clearly define your need to keep him as a very close friend, and get out there, get busy and another one will find you... but you've got to keep your head up or you'll walk right by without noticing that guy who keeps smiling at you. AW
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