EmpressDiva22 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I need you men out there to help me out. Or, if you are a woman who is really in tune with this situation. My ex hurt me reaaaaally badly. We were inseperable for years, recently he started dating someone immediately when we decided to take a break and now the break is permanant and he's still with the trashiest girl I've ever met. Who also works with me and him. Greaaaaat. I don't want to play the victim here or say I am perfect, but I know with all my heart I did absolutely nothing wrong to make him hurt me like this. I even gave him a chance to tell me calmly and honestly if there was another girl. He swore up and down that he would never hurt me like that, but I found out that he was lying. Before all this, he was the most amazing guy I had ever met. It's not like he was a jerk and treated me like dirt, I never saw it coming. He continued to hurt me and be defensive, saying very hurtful and cold things. When I told him (not in a HAHA SUCK IT kind of way either) that the girl he has been seeing was at the club last week with her ex fiance and father of her child and dirty dancing with everyone, he said he needed some time to himself. I know for a fact it wasn't because he was sad she went out, I think it was because he built it up like they were in a relationship and there she was in front of everyone acting like a ho-bag. I guess my question is, will he ever realize what he did? I'm not naive, I know he's not going to come running back to me on hands and knees sobbing and apologizing, although I had never ever even heard of him once crying and he sobbed in my lap like a school girl when I first found out about them. I'm not looking for him to just wake up today and realize that I am the love of his life and he'll never leave my side again. I just need to know for myself that people can't be that cold deep down inside. Guys, have you ever hurt a girl (or guy) really badly and been too proud to admit you messed up? Or is it genuine, do you just not care about what you did? How can after three years, someone just forget about you in the blink of an eye. I'm not perfect, I had my moments of insecurity in the relationship. But at the point when he did what he did, I was so loving and gave him space and supported him (emotionally) through all his ventures. Why did I deserve this? Not only has he hurt me, but he acts like he never did anything wrong. He humiliated me by parading her in front of all my friends behind my back, kissing her. Will he ever just acknowledge that he did something unspeakable to me when I didn't deserve it??
ElvenPriestess Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I'm not a guy, but here's what I think. I don't think he sees it the way you do. When you guys took a "break" in his mind he was single, and found the next hitch. Does he care about you? Maybe, in his own way, but not on the deeper levels. The fact that the break was his excuse to get with some other girl, and someone who likes to dance sexy on other guys tells me he was horny and found him some one to take care of it. He's infatuated. It's lust. My guess is he just wasn't ready for a commitment, and didn't have the you know whats to say it to your face. But in his eyes you two were "broken up" not on a break. So you may never get the apology you seek based on the fact he doesn't think he owes you one, IMO. I know it's hard, and it hurts to hear, but time to move on. Forget about him saying he's sorry because he doesn't sound like a decent enough guy to do that. He may have even wanted a break up long before the break, but perhaps didn't want to leave until he found some one else. Again, I KNOW that sounds harsh, but it's not bad on you, it's bad on him. Bottom line? You know you're better with out, he's lost a ferrari to a clapped out VW. And it will be for ever his loss. Feel sorry for him, he;s foolish. But move on with your life, as you know you're worth some one who will be dedicated and good to you, and STAY that way. Some one who understands the true meaning of commitment.
backspn Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 (edited) Im really sorry for you Empress. You sound like you are in a really bad place. Been there. Im a guy but guys actually make me sick sometimes. When a man tells you he needs a break or space, what he means is that he doesnt want to hurt you but its over. I know it seems you cant live w/o him and again I have been there. I loved a girl for 3 years, 2 hours talking on the phone everynight, inseperable together but she moved on. I thought I would never find love again but I have, 5 years later. My girl recently said she wanted to slow things down but I know most, and I use most lightly, use the word space and break much differently than men do. Find yourself a good man who is grounded and knows what he wants. Us type of guys are out there, I promise. You know you're better with out, he's lost a ferrari to a clapped out VW. And it will be for ever his loss. Feel sorry for him, he;s foolish. But move on with your life, as you know you're worth some one who will be dedicated and good to you, and STAY that way. Some one who understands the true meaning of commitment. I agree fully with Empress. Take the high road, you will love yourself in the long run for it. Tell him that he's lost his chance and one day he will know what he missed out on. Edited January 27, 2008 by backspn
smileysmile Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Guys, have you ever hurt a girl (or guy) really badly and been too proud to admit you messed up? Or is it genuine, do you just not care about what you did? I have hurt my wife. I have hurt her so deep. Her words were to me "stay humble as I get over my hurt deep rooted by you!" Different reasons. You have to read my story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140155/ Sometimes I have slipped up where it might have sounded I was making excuses. But if my STBXW doesn't know it now then she never will that I hold my hands up and I am remorseful for the problems caused. My penance is the position I currently in living away from my wife and child. Though it is only 10 minutes away I am not in control of my situation. Her mum said to me about 3 mths ago. "I don't know what you did but you have hurt her!" I of course prior her to saying that said I care for her and was hoping for a way back, all this with my eyes swelling up and my lips quivering. She said you have a connection (baby) and you might have to work on her. But I don't see it somehow because she is SO angry with me even now. Like she doesn't want to know me and if it wasn't for our D then she would have closure. Some men are to proud to admit they were wrong. Men like women come with different tolerances. My ex has a black and white personality. When she says shes done, she is DONE! Switch goes off and NEVER comes back on. She says that is the way she is. I am not to proud to admit I am wrong. My remorse might be misinterpreted but I eventually get there. Especially when the tears fall. But not to get her back or that I am missing my family and realize now what I have lost but what I have done to her and putting her where she is today. I don't know if me staying humble and being patient and giving her space and that everytime I see her I am gentle, kind and show understanding to whenever she brings up the past and hurt I caused her will someday melt her anger towards me. That she subconsciously putting me through pain now with getting close to OM and the way she speaks to me sometimes. I am not sure if it is a test that I have to endure. But either way I have taken stock at myself during the 5 mths apart and need to work on myself either way. But some men are cocky and until they someday have a 'wake up' call they will always be like it.
l0stMike Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I need you men out there to help me out. Or, if you are a woman who is really in tune with this situation. My ex hurt me reaaaaally badly. We were inseperable for years, recently he started dating someone immediately when we decided to take a break and now the break is permanant and he's still with the trashiest girl I've ever met. Who also works with me and him. Greaaaaat. I don't want to play the victim here or say I am perfect, but I know with all my heart I did absolutely nothing wrong to make him hurt me like this. I even gave him a chance to tell me calmly and honestly if there was another girl. He swore up and down that he would never hurt me like that, but I found out that he was lying. Before all this, he was the most amazing guy I had ever met. It's not like he was a jerk and treated me like dirt, I never saw it coming. He continued to hurt me and be defensive, saying very hurtful and cold things. When I told him (not in a HAHA SUCK IT kind of way either) that the girl he has been seeing was at the club last week with her ex fiance and father of her child and dirty dancing with everyone, he said he needed some time to himself. I know for a fact it wasn't because he was sad she went out, I think it was because he built it up like they were in a relationship and there she was in front of everyone acting like a ho-bag. Well, I'm a guy trying to figure out the best advice I could give you in this situation. I am kindof in the same boat myself, albeit I haven't posted my story yet. My girlfriend of 20 months and I decided to take a break because things weren't working at the time, and although she doesnt currently have a new boyfriend, she has treated me in way that's similar to yours. I don't believe that everyone is that mean and cruel on the inside. Yet, as much as you love this guy, I don't know if its the best thing for you to sit around and wait for him to fall back into your arms or open his so you can fall back into his, especially after he taunts you and treats you in the way that you said he is. I'm not saying disregard your love for him, because then you'd be lying to yourself, but at the same time, maybe you should really take some time to think about why you love this guy still, especially after he lied to your face and then proceeded to act like you said he did. You can still love him all you want, but if he doesn't have the decency to work this out with you as most guys don't, maybe he really isn't the person you thought he was. Also, from personal experience, maybe he is just trying to hurt you because he feels that its the only way he can really push you away. It seems like you're still loving him 100% no matter what happens to you, so maybe this is his only solution to really removing you from his life. Not to be harsh or frank or anything, but it just seems that way. I kindof feel the same situation is happening to me. He may have some underlying feelings for you still, but its all encased in this protective concrete shell that he doesn't feel like he needs to break open right now, if you get what I'm saying here. But, if your main goal is to get through to him and break open that shell, then by all means honey, dream big and achieve. Don't give up if you don't feel like giving up just yet, and do what your heart tells you. I am a firm believer in acting on what you are passionate about, and if this is what drives you, then do it until your heart tells you not to. Wait for him if you really think he is worth it. If "the stars align", maybe he really will realize the kind of person you were and come back to you as you envision it.
l0stMike Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Here's something else for you that might help out. Last summer when my story happened, I bought this book and it really helped me figure some things out on my end. It provides simple, unbiased advice on your relationship from the perspective of other people's. http://www.amazon.com/How-Get-Your-Lover-Back/dp/0440500893/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201464181&sr=8-1 Check it out if you want. It might have some more insight into how you're feeling and how you should react to what is happening to you. Just a thought.
Author EmpressDiva22 Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Thank you for the advice, that goes for everyone. On the positive side, I'm not in love with him after all this. I am hurt very badly though. In that I feel like I need him to realize that instead of "I get it, you're hurt. Now what do we do?" We just spent a few hours on the phone with some progression, then as the conversation went on I started to feel like I needed to keep letting him know how him being with her hurts me. At this point, any prospect of a relationship is completely obliterated. But he wants us to go back to being friends and being in each other's lives. What I don't understand is if you hurt someone so bad, why would you want them in your life? I'm giving him a one way ticket out and he doesn't want it? I told him I'm not his floatation device (in case of emergency break-up with current girl, pull string and instant back up girl inflates) and he says that's not the situation, but I have a hard time believing that. Towards the end of the conversation I started crying (HATE showing weakness so that sucks) and he started swearing and getting irate that we weren't resolving things. The issue of wanting him to love me is moot. What this is moreso for me, is wanting him to truly feel bad for everything he's done. I feel like when he says he does feel bad, it's just because it's what he thinks he should say. I know this situation has no quick fix, but it's exhausting trying to find a solution. I tell him let's not be friends, he hates that idea. But I know how it would make me feel to say "okay, we can be friends" and then we never see each other or hang out much when I could have easily just been like "sorry, never again." I just don't know what to do.
l0stMike Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Thank you for the advice, that goes for everyone. On the positive side, I'm not in love with him after all this. I am hurt very badly though. In that I feel like I need him to realize that instead of "I get it, you're hurt. Now what do we do?" We just spent a few hours on the phone with some progression, then as the conversation went on I started to feel like I needed to keep letting him know how him being with her hurts me. At this point, any prospect of a relationship is completely obliterated. But he wants us to go back to being friends and being in each other's lives. What I don't understand is if you hurt someone so bad, why would you want them in your life? I'm giving him a one way ticket out and he doesn't want it? I told him I'm not his floatation device (in case of emergency break-up with current girl, pull string and instant back up girl inflates) and he says that's not the situation, but I have a hard time believing that. Towards the end of the conversation I started crying (HATE showing weakness so that sucks) and he started swearing and getting irate that we weren't resolving things. The issue of wanting him to love me is moot. What this is moreso for me, is wanting him to truly feel bad for everything he's done. I feel like when he says he does feel bad, it's just because it's what he thinks he should say. I know this situation has no quick fix, but it's exhausting trying to find a solution. I tell him let's not be friends, he hates that idea. But I know how it would make me feel to say "okay, we can be friends" and then we never see each other or hang out much when I could have easily just been like "sorry, never again." I just don't know what to do. This guy seems like he doesn't know what he wants, even if its something as simple as being friends. I'm not sure I quite see what YOU want either. I understand that you now feel as if there is no hope for getting back together, which is fine, but he hasn't made any effort in getting back with you, so why think there is in the first place? On the other hand, you want him to see how he hurt you, but he isn't willing to see that. It doesn't even seem like he cares? Trying to enact some sort of emotional revenge on him isn't going to work either. Figure out what you want to get out of this, for real, without trying to convince him or change him of something.
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