4givrnt4gtr Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 IS it ever a good idea to discuss exes?? This morning my SO and I talked about our past relationships, how some of these people still hold torches for us, how some got badly hurt and why the relationships ended. For some reason the conversation left me a bit uneasy. It kinda made me wonder what would make me different from thes girls. So far this has been the longest relationship we both have. However from what I gathered, there was nothing really wrong with any of the past relationships. Two of his relationships ended when he moved. Another one just kinda fizzled out, and the last one ended because they fought too much. He even mentioned how the one that fizzled out would have worked out if it wasnt because he was still living with his parents at the moment, and the girl was a single mother (they were about 23). So bassically, the relationships ended sorta whimsically. Nothing really wrong, just...died. Do you guys ever wonder what would make you different from you SO's exs that would make the relationship work? is it more a matter of just "fitting" with each other? or is it more of what you can do to make it work? I was also wondering if i made him uncomfortable talking about my exs, three of which still want to be with me. ...i have a feeling we should have never gotten into this to begin with.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I think talking about ex's in a productive manner is good. I don't think it's a great idea to delve into a ton of details though. Questions and insecurities can arise. But if there's a relevant question, then I think it's ok to bring up. As far as you making him uncomfortable sharing the knowledge your ex's hold a torch for you, do you still have contact with them? Are you guys still friends? My last relationship hated talking about ex's. He saw no point to it. The only reason I even asked him was because I later learned he was still with one when we started seeing each other. To which I didn't know until we were far into the relationship. So of course I had questions. It was very relevant. Just kind of weed out what doesn't need to be discussed, things that won't help you guys learn anything and will only potentially upset the other, or make them uneasy. After all, they are in the past right? And if you ever wonder what about you makes you different, I'd say it's you as a whole. Don't try to break down little pieces, just accept that your entire make-up is what is different, and he likes it.
oppath Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 People break up for all sorts of reasons and I believe that yes, sometimes it is timing. For me, as long as those ex's are distant enough -- meaning if they are in contact, they know about me, and if they hang out, I'm invited too -- I really don't care. I'm slowly revising that, since I mostly date women I'd consider really attractive and a lot of them have never been dumped, going from relationship to relationship, but that is a character trait, maybe more common because of their looks, but it's all about character. I think I'd like someone who has been on both sides of a breakup or rather, has had periods of being single, without a boyfriend. I want to know about past relationship in general, but not specifics, so I understand a woman's values and boundaries. You need to discuss ex's at some point to help learn those things. Considering my ex gf never told her previous bf about me in the 6 months we dated, yet he'd hang out with her, and when he learned about me he proposed to her, I want women I date to know that happened so they know my boundaries. Friends with an ex = cool IF I can meet him if you hang out. As for why things ended, it doesn't matter as long as they aren't in frequent contact with an ex without me being visible and my feelings coming first. The reasons don't matter. They are with me. Their past was part of them growing as a person, which made them the person I was attracted to.
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