Candle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Hey everyone. I just discovered this forum and have been reading other threads with other peoples experiences which have been helping a lot. I thought I'd share my experience with you all. I recently broke up with my bf of 6 months. Over the most ridiculous reason to: a left political group he was involved in. He spent a lot of his time doing things within this political group, i.e. trying to recruit more people, going to weekly meetings, etc. They're very fanatical and I had problems with them from the start, especially when he started neglecting his studies for them. But I dealt with it. Then they started getting between us... we'd start arguing about them, and he'd yell at me all the time for voicing my opinion on them. One time I had enough when he yelled at me and told him he had to make a choice: me or them. After a few days he wrote me a note saying I had to respect his choice to be in them and he couldn't leave them. I couldn't stay with him with them driving a wedge between us so we broke up. Many days later he called me up telling me his friend heard I wanted to hear from him (which wasn't true) We talked for a while and I agreed to make a compromise: he only had to give up his involvement for a semester. He promised he would if he could stay in for the rest of the month and if I accepted him being in it after the semester. I thought a semesters break might do him good and he'd do better at his university studies. Everything was ok for a couple of weeks, we were so happy to be back together then out of the blue he declared he couldn't leave for a semester. He said he only agreed to it because he was "Desperate" to get me back. A semester without them he said would make him feel "empty" and he'd probably drop out of politics all together. Previously I had promised him if he left for a semester I'd encourage him to go back. But it wasn't enough. I asked him if I could change his mind and he said even though he loved me nothing could make him leave. He said he'd hate me for it. I asked him outright if I was worth one semester without them, and he said I wasn't and if I loved him I'd accept him being in the group. I told him I had made a compromise by saying he only had to leave a semester rather than forever and I would accept them if he showed some dedication to me. He refused, and dropped me off home. I told him if he changed his mind to let me know. He said the same to me. We said our goodbyes. It's been a week now since the break-up and I'm not in a good state. I'm shattered but at the time very angry. Did I do the wrong thing by giving him that ultimatum? I honestly didn't just do it for us, but for his benefit too. I knew they were important to him but I can't understand why we weren't more important. I can't understand why nothing I did for him (and I put up with so much with him - he was ALWAYS upsetting me) was good enough. It just feels like I wasted 6 months of my life for someone who threw me away for POLITICS of all things. Not even another girl! Any insight on this issue or advice would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear other people's opinions on this.
fishbowlsoul Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 hmm. this is kind of tricky. usually when something is really important to another person, they are quite defensive about it. what was so wrong with this group that made you feel you had to make an ultimatum? (and by the way, the "me or this" ultimatum never, ever works well) sounds quite similar to the common "its either me or world of warcraft" argument. I really think that letting him go to the group would have been okay. I mean, sure, you would have been worried that it was starting to affect his studies, but, thats the sort of thing that he should have learned himself. It sounds to me like you were just jealous of the time he was spending with the group that you felt he could have spent with you instead. Sometimes you really just have to let someone do something you don't like. Also, making him not do it for a semester doesn't sound like any sort of a compromise to me at all. I think a reasonable compromise, say if the group met once a week would be to ask him, "Hey, I know you like the group, but could we spend every other week together when you would normally go?" I don't know, this sounds like the problem lies mostly with you. I hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you're being a bit selfish here. Often times, if you push someone on an issue they really care about, what was once maybe a small issue will become a gigantic issue, just because you couldn't drop it. Honestly? I would apologize and tell him that he is free to his own political opinions, and that you are too, and that you too should respect each others opinions and just let it be. Obviously you guys have fun together, so why ruin it over politics? I find it rather hypocritical that you say he threw you away for politics, you could very easily say the same thing about you. You were the one who gave him the ultimatum, after all.
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