Why has he stopped calling?

[Little Shy]

Hey all, OK, so here is my situation, I would love some feedback, particularly from men.

I met this great guy about a month ago from friends of friends. It's a tight circle of friends, whom generally are pretty skeptical about who we let in. When we first met, everything between us clicked beautifully, and he reported to a mutual male friend that he had the greatest time meeting me.

When I ran into him with our friends about a week later, he very excitedly asked for my number, and tried to kiss me, which I kind of avoided, because it felt a bit premature.

He began calling me, and we had some great phone calls. He said he'd like to take me out to dinner soon, then I didn't hear from him for a week. We saw each other soon after, when I was in the neighborhood of his workplace, and he asked me to come in & visit, as the place he works out is club like and social.

That night we kissed (in private, I'm not interested in PDA's right out the gate), and it was very passionate, & he told me many, what seemed like sincere, nice things about how much he thought about me, his overwhelmingly great impressions of me, & how he really seemed to take an immediate interest in me down to the core.

I could go as far as too say I have never had a guy say such sweet and apparently sincere, beautiful things about me right out the gate. Mind you a lot of these compliments involved my personality, and certainly others pertaining to my looks. (I guess you could say I'm considered very attractive to guys, sorry if that sounds dumb).

I might also add by circumstances it was evident there was no chance of me going home with him that night, so honestly the "working me into bed" thing couldn't have been the motive on that night.

Since then, he had a couple hardships come down on him with his car, and another thing. I had a not so great week myself with some stuff like that as well. We checked in with one another on our various trials & tribulations, & all seemed well.

Now it seems in the 2 weeks after our passionate kissing incident when he proclaimed his huge interest in me, I seem to be the one picking up the phone to dial. All though I have only done it a couple times, and the conversations have been good. I note that when he says he will call me back, or talk to me later, he dosen't. Or he does several days later, and we still have never officially went out on a date.

Yesterday I sent him a text, asking him what he was up to, for which I still have had no response.

I'm confused. He came on BEYOND strong with his verbal interest in me, we have solid mutual friends involved here, who would be more than thrilled to see us together, why has he stopped calling me?

According to friends this guy dosen't date around alot, and has never been seen out with women, playing around. His male friend we met through says he is a terrific guy whom he can count on & trust.

He does work nights, and works them frequently, where as I work days.

We have talked about the fact that he was married for years, but divorced a couple years ago because his wife was a real handful with drug problems & so forth.

I do feel as if we've shared quite a bit of personal life stuff through our conversations, & we've both lived colorful lives and found our way through some tough stuff on the positive end.

He has made reference to me that our similarities in background & life he can relate to entirely, and its part of his interest in me.

Even when we both had that tough week, we shared, but were ready to try & move on from the less desirable stuff that had happened to us.

Have I really just blown it by initiating the calls a couple times? I generally let guys do the calling, so I feel that he might be losing interest because I called him a couple times. I have not talked to him for several days now, and I am a bit concerned as I really liked him & felt that we made a connection. Should I just move on? For sure, I'm not entertaining calling or texting again until I hear back from him.

Confused.

[THE THRONE]

Should I just move on? For sure, I'm not entertaining calling or texting again until I hear back from him.

 

 

There may be an emergency you don't know about, but if he doesn't hit you back in 1-2 weeks you need to move on.

[bella07]

Because it's only been a week, i say just hold on a for tiny bit longer. He could be busy with other commitments.

Wait another week and let him come to you. If he doesn't have the decency to contact you forget him. Don't message or call him.

Just always remember that he's the one missing out!

[Mahatma]

I'm probably much younger than you, but I know I like girls to call me sometimes. But if I'm not picking up, I either don't want to talk to you, or something has come up. If you two got somewhat close, I would imagine he would contact you after a couple weeks even if he was in a car crash or something. Since you are in such a tight circle of friends, maybe you could ask if something has happened to him? Or not. In the end, you dont want to continue calling him, which you have made clear you wont. My guess is he'll call you.

[mental_traveller]

There may be an emergency you don't know about, but if he doesn't hit you back in 1-2 weeks you need to move on.

 

I agree. If there's something occupying him, it only takes 1 minute to send a text back saying so and asking you to be patient for a week or two.

 

Usually when a guy doesn't call for a while, it's because for some reason he is not fully interested. You need to pay attention to his actions in general, not his smooth words when he is with you. His words say strong interest, but his actions say fading or small interest. If a guy really likes you, he will let you know, not leave you hanging out to dry like this.

 

If you do like this guy, I would suggest this: do not contact him at all for the next week. If that week passes without contact from him, then forget him and move on. If he does get in touch, then maybe there's some possibilities, but I would let him do the chasing from now on.

[BlueEyedGirl]

You know, whenever in my life I have wondered if Mr. X. liked me or not, it turned out he didn't. Men tend to very clearly show their interest if they really like a girl.

[Taramere]

He has made reference to me that our similarities in background & life he can relate to entirely, and its part of his interest in me.

Even when we both had that tough week, we shared, but were ready to try & move on from the less desirable stuff that had happened to us.

Have I really just blown it by initiating the calls a couple times? I generally let guys do the calling, so I feel that he might be losing interest because I called him a couple times. I have not talked to him for several days now, and I am a bit concerned as I really liked him & felt that we made a connection. Should I just move on? For sure, I'm not entertaining calling or texting again until I hear back from him.

Confused.

 

It does seem a pity that you and he can't get it on when you have so much common ground.

 

Re you calling him in the early stages....on the rare occasions I've taken the initiative in calling a guy in the early stages, it hasn't paid off. Either the guy has appeared to lose interest, or he's adopted a kind of eager but off-puttingly subordinate approach.

 

I've noticed the same thing happen to friends, colleagues - most females I know, in fact. Lookwise? Makes no odds. I've seen some of the prettiest women I know puzzling disappointedly over why the guy they called doesn't seem that into them....or, alternatively, feeling uncomfortable/resentful/turned off about being in that "pursuer" role. Even if it seemed like novel fun for the first couple of days.

 

I think you're right not to call him again...and yes, you should be thinking in terms of moving on. It doesn't mean you can't be friendly if he does call, and it doesn't mean you can't meet up for a drink....but by not calling, he's demonstrating that he's lukewarm.

 

No matter how much in common you might have, it doesn't compensate for lack of passion. Is it possible that you'll have a better chance of finding that if you steer yourself away from your group a bit? Our friends know and love us, but they're not necessarily the best people to figure out what makes us tick sexually.

[ronin82]

Ok, here is what I see happening as a guy, but im no mind reader off course.

 

When I ran into him with our friends about a week later, he very excitedly asked for my number, and tried to kiss me, which I kind of avoided, because it felt a bit premature..

 

Even though you say it felt premature, it obviously didnt seem that way to the guy.

What kind of signals were you sending out? You say hes been married and not really out there, so maybe he misinterpreted your signals, either that or you signaled more than you meant too. And for a guy, especially one whos in his situation, when a girls avoids a kiss, thats NOT a good thing to happen. Its an ego burner for sure.

 

I might also add by circumstances it was evident there was no chance of me going home with him that night, so honestly the "working me into bed" thing couldn't have been the motive on that night...

 

I assure you if he's attracted to you (and it looks that way), he's looking to get you into bed, yes, that night also. You can be very sure of that

 

Have I really just blown it by initiating the calls a couple times? I generally let guys do the calling, so I feel that he might be losing interest because I called him a couple times. I have not talked to him for several days now, and I am a bit concerned as I really liked him & felt that we made a connection. Should I just move on? For sure, I'm not entertaining calling or texting again until I hear back from him.

Confused.

 

Ok, this i think sums it up good. Youre very used to bering pursued because youre hot (thats what you say) So, you feel like its only the guys responsibilty to make things happen. This is all good, and we guys enjoy leading, but only if we feel like were getting "GO" signals, so we can take it to the next level.

 

What I see has happened here is that you were sending out mixed signals, or to subtle signals for this guy to understand, so maybe he simply doubted if you were interested or not? Did you tell him somehow that you felt that connection?

 

Anyway, why not give it a few days and see if he calls you, he might just have been busy, he probably has other things to worry about also, especially if he felt unsure of how you felt.

 

I hope this was helpfull. Good luck!

[pandagirl]

I've pretty much been in a similar situation where a guy seems to really like me, I sent sort of mixed signals, etc. Honestly, who knows what goes through peoples' minds? I'm sure he did like you and was interested in getting to know you better, but for whatever reasons, we humans have the ability to completely change our minds for good, bad, and completely irrational reasons!

 

Maybe try calling him one last time, and if you hear nothing then, call it a done deal and move on.

[D-Lish]

It sounds as if he is practiced at saying all the right things to get a woman's attention and push her buttons.

 

I have met charming guys like this that come on really strong initially....but it usually turns out to be a facade. You don't go from being all hot and "sincere" one moment to indifferent the next. Regardless of what is going on in his life, if he's interested, nothing will stop him from getting to know you.

 

I wouldn't call him again.

Let him do some of the pursuing.

[Little Shy]

Alright,

Since I first posted this thread, there has been a lot more contact between me & this guy, but no more action. We talked a lot on the phone, all conversations going great, almost all calls initiated by him. Lot's of texting too. Text's from his end included lot's of thinking of you's, xoxox etc.

SO, I decided after being tired of wondering if I was ever going to see him again after our make out night, that instead of engaging in another marathon phone call, if he called me during the day, I would see if he was interested in hanging out that night. (note once again, he works nights with a sporadic schedule).

So, he called me one afternoon last week, started talking for about 1/2 hour, then I said, hey, are you working tonight, and if not, would you like to get together & hang out? Well...listen to this....

So he tells me, you know, I would like nothing more than to see you again, trust me. I want to see you more than anything because I think you are spectacular, & really hot, etc.

But I am just doing so bad right not financially, that I wouldn't even be able to take you out properly. Right now my car isn't even running, and I can't afford to fix it.

To this I responded hmmm, well you know, there could surely be something not so $$$ we can do to see each other? We don't exactly need to have a super big night on the town to have a good time.

To which he responded, I want to do this right, and I can't tell you any further about how bad things really are in that direction right now, but with my recent change of jobs, things have been stressful & difficult to say the least (financially speaking). But then he says soon, I will work it out & look forward to taking you out.

I should also point out at this time, that I am quite aware that this guy smokes quite a bit of pot (daily).

Since that phone call, last weekend, he sent a text to me letting my know he was thinking about me. Then no call no nothing for 4-5 days.

I didn't call him either. After several days, I began to wonder if he didn't just feel as if he put me off so hard by telling me about his financial hardships, that maybe he was concerned that I would not be interested.

So, I decided to call him on Friday night (figured he was working) and I just left a nice voicemail message letting him know I hoped he was doing well, and it would be nice to hear back from him.

Haven't heard anything since.

Let me tell you that if I met guys that I was this crazy about, and made such great mental connections with more frequently, I would just move on.

As it turns out, I haven't met a guy I have had this type of connection with for I don't know, about 8 years +.

Although I mentioned that he smokes pot, he is so intelligent. Ridiculously so, and that's were a lot of the attraction comes from. It's not like this guy is hot or anything, in fact, he comes off as a bit of an oddball, but for some reason, I am attracted to that part of him too.

I think he may have some sort of ADD, as do I.

I am just so frustrated right now it is unreal.

And, not to worry, no more calls or texts again on my part.

I need some opinions here folks.

Thanks!

[D-Lish]

I think you have to set a time limit on how long you are willing to wait for him to get his act together and take you out.

 

I agree that there are lots of things you could do that don't involve spending money.

 

If he is feeling low right now because his ducks aren't all in a row, I'd say that is pretty normal. Especially if you have hit your stride in life and have your act together. He might feel intimidated by that.

 

However, having said that. How long are you willing to wait for him to return calls and take you on a date?

[Little Shy]

D-Lish, I think you are right about having to establish a time limit. In the meantime, I continue to go out on other dates (see recent thread about questioning suitor's sexuality) in order to not obsess on him.

I am beginning to think that I just gotta get him out of my mind for right now.

If he feels paralyzed by his financial state of affairs, and therefore perhaps not a great candidate for dating, how can any movement occur?

It would be nice to think that I could just stay busy with my own life, move on, not take it personally, and who knows, maybe sometime down the line I will run into him again with our mutual friends, and he will be in a better place at that time.

And maybe, just maybe, we will both have a spark together again.

I feel like that's the best I can hope for right now.

[D-Lish]

Well I do think the spark is already there.

 

I think it's important for men to have their act together before they date someone, especially if that someone seems to be independant and established. That is why you shouldn't take it personally. My bet is that he just doesn't feel worthy at the moment and wants to get to that place where he does before getting involved with you. But you can't wait forever!

 

I am glad you are keeping busy and accepting other dates.

 

If he doesn't have his act together, perhaps he just isn't right for you at this time. And if you wait for him, you might miss out on an opportunity to meet someone else who blows you away.

[THE THRONE]

THE THRONE says one of two things are possible:

 

1. He has another woman that he views as a higher priority.

 

2. He is telling the truth.

 

THE THRONE says #1 may actually be the case, so if I were you, I would leave the ball in his court. You alreadyc alled him, he didn't respond yet, so give him time. If he doesn't respond in a week move on.