"Coping with LDR with someone who doesn't give back what you put in!!

[fastliving1981]

Hi all

 

I am new to this site because I work offshore and I have no one to talk to about my LDR which is absolutely doing my head in. I am working either in Europe, US or now in Africa on Oil and Gas Survey vessels either in port or at sea and because of this I am away from my hometown Adelaide, South Australia for months on end. I am in a relationship with my girlfriend who lives in Adelaide but she is always so busy with her usual routine that it seems to me I don't quite fit into it while I am away.

 

In my field I don't have the chance to talk to people about my relationship for one because I am one of the only English speakers but also because of my age. I am 26 and in a management position which is great except it is lonely at the top. I have been serious with my girlfriend for about 4 months now but have know her for almost 14 years where we had been intimate on various occasions holding back getting into a relationship because I was always away from home. I took 3 weeks home for xmas and moved straight into her house so we could spend as as much time together as possible and this was what we both talked about before coming home. After a couple of days I was noticing that her friends were more important than me and this was shown through the constant phonecalls from her friends when I would get left sitting alone, the pop in's where again I would be left by myself watching the crap they usually have around xmas time and if it wasn't this is was the friends calling her over because they wanted to spend time with her, in particular her best friend (who I am pretty sure is a lesbian and definately in love with my girlfriend).

 

After spending time with her friends she would come home and act like she isn't sure if we should be in a relationship and she wants it to go back to when we were friends because things were so complicated. I am a pretty simple guy and don't complicate things at all. Mind you this isn't exactly what you had planned for when you come home after looking forward to seeing your girlfriend. We would talk and then she would come around, she would see her friends again and the same thing would happen all over again, 4 times in total. By the end of the second week home things appeared to be back to normal and we were doing our usual and madly in love with each other again. I have explained to her the need to keep up with communication while I am away and I thought she totally understood this because I made my point very clear about the whole working away scenario. After leaving which was very hard I found trying to reach her taking into consideration the time zones was extremely hard and I would normally be told I have to go to the gym or someones at the door etc etc. I call her at work a few days later but I know she can't talk for long at work. That leaves me with email and I hated doing this but after sending 2 page emails about the things I would have liked to talk to her about I get back a 3 liner saying I miss you, I love you but nothing else.

 

Sometimes to check because I hadn't had a reply after these lengthy emails in the time she would be home, I would log onto Myspace to check when she last logged in and low and behold she had logged in that night but couldn't be bothered replying to my emails. This made me think not is she cheating but am I not as important as some friggin no one on myspace. I haven't even had a chance to talk to her about this because she hasn't answered her phone in 4 days. I finally spoke with my mum about it because like I said it's doing my head in. It's a good thing my mum lives down the street because she is going to have a chat with her, they are pretty close. The thing I don't understand is that I know she has good friends but she always uses the excuse that they are always there for her and she will jump anytime to their phonecalls or messages even when she is in the middle of something with me. She doesn't do the same for me and like I said 4 days is becoming a joke and I am 85% ready to break this relationship even though she is coming to the UK (not confirmed) in a few months to live so we can be closer. It seems like I am always the one who has to make things right or put up with it and normally any other time I would've walked out the door a long time ago. Her parents live next door to her which are like my second parents and love me like a son and she is living in their second house for next to nothing. She doesn't have any investments so she doesn't know what real responsibility is and she has never been out of Australia or her home town for more than two weeks which was on holiday in Vietnam. I try to put it into perspective that working away is tough but she has no clue about what real committment and sacrifice is.

 

I still love her but while you are away and isolated from everyone little things like this play on your mind and your emotions and this is something that can turn dangerous in my line of work. I am working away till May next year (tax reasons but visiting every 3 months approx) so I can buy a pub and run it as a business with her. Because she has no reality on what financial responsibilty is, I know if I want this to be possible it is going to be left up to me and this is why I am working away. I feel neglected and unneeded and need advice!!!!!:mad::mad::mad::mad:

[Nevermind]

Hi.

 

welcome to loveshack! You can always come here to talk about your trouble, or about anything else. So you don't have to feel left alone.

 

I read your post and here are some thoughts I had while reading:

 

1) Your girlfriend is still in a place where she has lots of people who know, love her etc. You on the other hand are alone. She misses you, but she is not necesarily as lonely as you are. So don't be disappointed if she isn't focussing on you only.

 

2) Talk to her, but don't preach. Saying "you don't know what responsibilty means.." etc won't make her change. It might make her leave, so be careful. Make it a positive talk, not about "you should do this, this and this" but "I'd really love it if you could.." Don't pressure her, she is leaving australia to be with you. Huge step, even if it is not planned out yet. So let her enjoy the time with her friends, too.

 

3) Try to make friends among your co-workers. You said you're one of the only English speaking people there, so befriend them and try to befriend some others, too. After all, you have to communicate with the non-English speaking people there, so try to shift this from pure professional communication to something like a beer after work etc.

 

4) Get busy. Start a new hobby, read a lot, go to cooking classes. Whatever you can do to make your life exciting and the way you want it to be. So you can lighten up and take some tension out of an already stressful ldr.

 

So...not that I do all that. Haha. But I try and so should you.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted!

[TMichaels]

hi fastliving1981,

 

Don't let your situation do your head in -- you can't afford to risk that, given your line of work.

 

Everyone here understands the joys and frustrations of being in a LDR. Don't be afraid to post, read or lurk as often as you like.

 

As another poster noted recently, it's a good way to pass the time and takes your mind off less constructive thoughts, and often you learn something that is useful in your own circumstance.

 

Mind if I ask you a few questions?

 

-- How old is your girlfriend?

-- Does she go to school?

-- Is she working?

-- You say the two of you had held back getting serious due to your off-shore work schedule. What changed? Why did the two of you decide to "get serious," now?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[fastliving1981]

My Girlfriend is 25 and works as a Freight Forwarder. The reason why we never got together properly was because I joined the Navy and was in the Navy for 8 years. I lived everywhere but home so it was just not going to work. I decided after leaving Australia for work that I knew who my feelings were with so we finally decided the next time I came home that we would get together properly.

 

After leaving the first time I kept in good communication with her which is why I am probably so confused because she does know how international numbers work and I was never once called back. The emails were really good though and they were always frequent and long to let me know how things were going. After my second time back home thats when all the problems started and now I have been away for almost a month and have at least two more months before I will see her again. I wouldn't normally get so frustrated because I am used to dealing with these kinds of emotions but when I can't get five minutes to talk to her or not even a word, you try harder to find out what is wrong but believe me waiting for the time zone to tick over to the next day is painful when you have just waited 4 days to find out what the hell is going on, that she can't answer the damn phone and talk to her boyfriend for five minutes. Offshore you don't need complications like this because there isn't much you can do out here to occupy your mind from wanting to be home. DVD's, internet and phone is about all you can do because it's hot as hell outside and well lets just say I am overworked to start with.

 

I know after the last two emails and the message on myspace she will know that I'm not happy with being ignored and I don't care what anyone says, you can be as busy as it gets but you can spare five minutes to talk on the phone to your partner. With her it just feels like I am always the one who is making contact and making an effort and all I get back is the convenience replies or responses when I can be fitted in. My mum has gone to have a word with her because I can't figure out and I can't talk to her because she isn't answering the phone and probably hasn't checked her emails yet or maybe she has but decided someone else from myspace was more important to reply to than me. I would never let a girl control my emotions like this but this is the first time I have been in love and although she tells me this is the first time she has been in love and her guard is down, somehow I fail to grasp this with how I see myself being treated.

 

I told my mum not to interfere in the way I don't want her to go over and tell her what for. I asked mum to educate my girlfriend on how hard it is to leave everyone you love to work away for a future and the effects it has on your mind and emotions especially when you feel you're being taken for granted or ignored. Maybe I wil have my answer soon but I am getting to the end of my tolerance and the strong feelings of love and devotion are turning to ones more of anger and resentment for being treated like this. I have had many talks with her to discuss how my mind works while being away and reinterated how important it is to answer the phone and just talk but by the sound of it she still doesn't understand. I never ask for much from her but the one thing I do ask for is communication and although I give it 100% she gives me about 20%.

[norajane]

I don't think she's as into your relationship as you are. After being away for so long, and then coming for Christmas, she chose to leave you sitting around while she visited with friends she sees every day? Why didn't she include you in her activities with her friends???

 

Also, the lack of responses to your calls and emails show that she is less interested in communicating with you while you are away. Women in love communicate, a lot. Maybe you're too available...she has all the power in your relationship because you are so obviously going to keep chasing her no matter how she treats you.

 

And she might be a bit immature for what you need in your life.

 

My guess is, if you told her this wasn't working for you and breaking up seems the best option, she'd say "ok" and move on. I could be wrong, but that's my honest read on this situation.

[TMichaels]

The reason why we never got together properly was because I joined the Navy and was in the Navy for 8 years. I lived everywhere but home so it was just not going to work. I decided after leaving Australia for work that I knew who my feelings were with so we finally decided the next time I came home that we would get together properly.

 

Okay, you say you finally decided who your feelings were with, but did your girlfriend say/feel the same?

 

Sorry to say, but it was fairly easy for her to say "yeah, let's be a couple" when she knew that except on the rare occasion when you returned home, she would be able to continue leading her life normally (as in, not having you around and having to make time for you).

 

When you did come back this last time, it very well may have made her realize that you two aren't on the same page. You have your eye on the horizon -- a life with the two of you being together, owning and running a pub as life partners, and working hard to have the financial resources to make this goal come true.

 

She on the other hand, seems to be grounded in the "here and now." I don't know if it's because she's immature (admittedly, you're chronologically similar, but you seem to have a much more mature view on life), or that "she's just not into you."

 

But clearly, the two of you are on different wave lengths at the moment, and as long as that's the case, that's not a good thing.

 

I don't care what anyone says, you can be as busy as it gets but you can spare five minutes to talk on the phone to your partner.

 

Yep, I agree, however...

 

You may feel think you have a partnership, but I'm not convinced that is how your g/f views your relationship, at all. Don't mean to sound harsh, but if you were partners, she wouldn't be assigning you such a low priority in her life.

 

I asked mum to educate my girlfriend on how hard it is to leave everyone you love to work away for a future and the effects it has on your mind and emotions especially when you feel you're being taken for granted or ignored.

 

I know you are desperate to improve communication with your g/f, but ask yourself this:

 

Do you want her to be with you out of her own free will and desire, or because she has been shamed or guilted into it?

 

It seems like I am always the one who has to make things right or put up with it and normally any other time I would've walked out the door a long time ago. Her parents live next door to her which are like my second parents and love me like a son...

 

Is that why you are trying to hard to make this work, fastliving1981?

 

If so, realize no one will blame YOU for your g/f's behavior. And, if they love you like a son, they certainly wouldn't want you to be treated like a cast-off and unwanted toy.

 

I am 85% ready to break this relationship even though she is coming to the UK (not confirmed) in a few months to live so we can be closer... I am working away till May next year (tax reasons but visiting every 3 months approx) so I can buy a pub and run it as a business with her. Because she has no reality on what financial responsibilty is, I know if I want this to be possible it is going to be left up to me and this is why I am working away. I feel neglected and unneeded and need advice!!!!!

 

My advice? Quit being the one chasing her tail lights.

 

You've made it clear in person, in email, online and through your mother that you need better and more frequent comunication.

 

The ball's now in her court. Let's see what she does with the opportunity.

 

You sound like a great guy with a tremendous amount of drive, determination, integrity, vision, not to mention a big heart. You deserve someone who values these qualities. Whether your current g/f is worthy of who you are and all you have to offer, is the question.

 

Remember, it's not what people say, it's how they act, that reveals their true character.

 

Whatever she does in response to you suddenly not being the one to initiate and maintain contact will give you the answer about whether you should continue to pursue this, or cut your losses and move on.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

Edited January 26, 2008 by TMichaels
context

[fastliving1981]

Thankyou for your insight. It has really given me the idea that I my gut feelings are still serving me right and is proven by the responses I have recieved. I will probably share the story when I can eventually make contact again. Thanks everyone for your support and you will hear again from me soon.

[TMichaels]

Thankyou for your insight. It has really given me the idea that I my gut feelings are still serving me right and is proven by the responses I have recieved. I will probably share the story when I can eventually make contact again. Thanks everyone for your support and you will hear again from me soon.

 

You're welcome, fastliving1981. All the best to you.

 

Take care,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

fastliving, you sound like a lovely guy. I'd be breaking contact with her to see if she picks up the dropped ball.

 

Friends who love her would understand that you are there for a number of limited days only and would give her that time to focus on you. I couldn't stand people being that involved in my life where I couldn't get a day's respite from somebody needing something from me. I wouldn't answer the door or the phone lol. I don't care how much they love me.

[ninjacookies]

hey man I know exactly how you feel

 

I was in the same situation. There would be days upon days on end of her not contacting me, while I knew that she had ample time because I'd see her new listings on ebay or see that she logged into particular forums. I was also the one to always be sending her gifts/writing her poems...sending her cards...and not even once got even a free email card in return.

 

I finally had to say 'im worth more than this' and cut her off. And well, now she's realizing what she had and tries to keep in touch. I don't want to dictate what you do, but you have to realize...that you can't really change who a person is. It seems like you're the type of guy that I am, and really crave an intimate and involved relationship despite being LDR, with a girl that puts in as much as you put in. I really don't think that's much to ask for, and it's only fair. And bottom line is, if they Love you as much as you do them, it should come naturally and without any coersion or complaints on your end.

 

That's why I had to end mine...my efforts are worth a girl much more appreciative and loving than what she offered me. There's better fish in the sea bro

[fastliving1981]

Thanks your reply. I have given it some careful thought and finally decided to take everyones advice. I spent the last 3 weeks in Africa with very little communication with anyone from the vessel I was on. This was when I needed her the most and she didn't make the effort. Emails is ok but trying to reach her was almost impossible to the point where I gave up trying to call her. I then left the vessel and arrived in paris on Valentines day where I called her. I finally got through and she thanked me for the flowers and choccy's I sent her. I then went to Amsterdam for a couple of days and didn't call her. I tried calling her on the weekend but same story, no answer, "I was really busy" blah blah ****ing blah.

 

It makes me frustrated because when any one of her friends SMS's o calls she's on the phone to them straight away and that was even if I was with her at the time. I don't even get a call back. I am told that I am missed and that I am loved but to me this doesn't appear so and I have stopped believing it. She has had it too good all her life and she has never known what responsibility or sacrifice is. I need to find someone who is a bit more open minded and mature with their outlook on life and someone who is realistic and not living in a fantasy world. I chose my occupation because it pays excellent money providing me with the chance to get my own business. She gets by with no assets, dreams and believes that money isn't the key to happiness while she lives in her parents house paying next to nothing, gets her hair and nails done every week but can't spend $10 ona phonecard to call her boyfriend who gives up everything to try and make a decent future possible.

 

Like you said, it doesn't take much. She can call me back and I mentioned that in my emails to her today. No reply or call so I have pre written my breakup email and I am not contacting her until she contacts me first. I think I deserve this much. I am giving her 7 days starting this morning so she has 6 days left and after that she's a thing of the past and I will sever all connection to her. I have given up so many opportunites to be with other women and living away from Australia I should be ****ing everything with a heart beat. When I was in Amsterdam I got with a friend of mine I have known for sometime now and at first I felt guilty but after thinking about it, it really opened up my eyes to what I being treated like from my girlfriend back home. I would never normally let myself be treated like this and it took having a fling with one of my friends to know this.

 

I think it's time to start living my life again. What I was holding onto clearly isn't there the way I see it and I know I deserve better. I look to the future and I can't see any viable option that this is going to work. All I can see is me being hurt and holding back on enjoying my life. Instead of meeting up with her I am going to go travelling and have fun like I would normally do. Next stop Latvia!!!

[TMichaels]

I think it's time to start living my life again. What I was holding onto clearly isn't there the way I see it and I know I deserve better. I look to the future and I can't see any viable option that this is going to work. All I can see is me being hurt and holding back on enjoying my life. Instead of meeting up with her I am going to go travelling and have fun like I would normally do. Next stop Latvia!!!

 

Good for you, fastliving1981! I think you've made the right decision. You deserve someone better, and it sounds as you finally realize that, now.

 

Only one suggestion... I know you've already spent time composing your "kiss off" letter, but you might want to give some thought to sending it.

 

You've told this woman time and time again what it is you need, and she doesn't get it. Reiterating it one more time might "feel good" as you kick her to the curb, but on the other hand, haven't you wasted enough breath trying to get through to her to no avail? If I were you, I'd just cut the cord and move on.

 

With your drive and determination, I have no doubt all that's good and right will come your way. Have fun, and take care. And, don't hesitate to come back and post if you feel the need.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[fastliving1981]

I thought about not responding but I couldn't help myself. My response was met by extreme apology for how I perceived myself to being treated my her. I did listen and gave her one more chance but again the following week same **** all over again. I have asked for her to return what is mine and from here on out I will be going my own way. I spoke to my mother about it and she hit the nail on the head. As much as she loves her she told me not to hold back anymore and do my own thing as if I was single. Coming from her that was surprising but after speaking to me on the phone she knew herself that I wasn't being treated as I should. It now feels as though I have the ace up my sleeve because I am now not in such a hurry to keep up with communication and quite frankly my feelings for her have dropped off to the point where I consider myself single and will act accordingly. If things change when she gets overseas I may look at having another go but she would have to do something very special for that to happen. I have made my decision and I am glad to be moving on. Thanks for all the advice.:)

[TMichaels]

I have made my decision and I am glad to be moving on. Thanks for all the advice.:)

 

You're welcome, fastliving1981.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

TMichaels

[HisLove]

Good for you fastliving!

 

I agreed with TM, I wouldn't have graced her with the time spent in writing the letter. Alas! It's now done.

 

Fastliving, you have the world at your feet, go out and devour what life has to offer and look back on your life with fond memories of adventure and faraway places and the wonderful things you've seen and done.