Just Wondering

[Pyro]

I noticed this from a couple of responses on here, so thats why I started this thread.

 

If you are in a sexless marriage and have children, how would you handle the situation? Would you go through MC first and if to no avail would you divorce the person, or would you just go outside the marriage and get your sexual fix and stay together just for the kids sake?

[Ocean-Blue]

I noticed this from a couple of responses on here, so thats why I started this thread.

 

If you are in a sexless marriage and have children, how would you handle the situation? Would you go through MC first and if to no avail would you divorce the person, or would you just go outside the marriage and get your sexual fix and stay together just for the kids sake?

 

I'm not married...but I thought I'd respond anyway.

 

I'd think getting your "sexual fix" outside of the M would do more harm than good where the kids are concerned (generally speaking).

[Pyro]

I'm not married...but I thought I'd respond anyway.

 

I'd think getting your "sexual fix" outside of the M would do more harm than good where the kids are concerned (generally speaking).

 

Thats my take on it. To me that is a lame excuse to try and justify the cheating. Cheaters like to use kids to their advantage. I don't get it.

Edited January 26, 2008 by Pyro

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I'm not married...but I thought I'd respond anyway.

 

I'd think getting your "sexual fix" outside of the M would do more harm than good where the kids are concerned (generally speaking).

I agree 100% I also think allot of men use that as a excuse after a while to just get there cake and eat it to so to speak.

 

But in the end it can only cause tension and that will lead to stress which leads to arguments and that is never good for the kids!

[OpenBook]

Thats my take on it. To me that is a lame excuse to try and justify the cheating. Cheaters like to use kids to their advantage. I don't get it.

 

Judge it any way you want. The fact is, the vast majority of MM out there who choose to cheat are very reluctant to leave the M. Common reasons cited are the kids (they're better off in a 2-parent household); finances (can't afford to split up); and social status (don't even THINK about giving up that country club membership!). It's just too messy and expensive.

 

Personally, I don't get why you asked your "Just Wondering" question in this thread, when you already seem to have made up your mind on the issue. Are you only interested in judging others for the decisions they make in their own lives that have nothing to do with you?

[Woggle]

If you are in a sexless marriage try and fix it and if that doesn't work openly get it somewhere else. Tell her exactly why you are going elsewhere as well.

[Pyro]

Judge it any way you want. The fact is, the vast majority of MM out there who choose to cheat are very reluctant to leave the M. Common reasons cited are the kids (they're better off in a 2-parent household); finances (can't afford to split up); and social status (don't even THINK about giving up that country club membership!). It's just too messy and expensive.

 

Personally, I don't get why you asked your "Just Wondering" question in this thread, when you already seem to have made up your mind on the issue. Are you only interested in judging others for the decisions they make in their own lives that have nothing to do with you?

 

You proved my point. Using the kids to try and justify the cheating.

 

I really don't think that the kids would be better off having the parents still be together and knowing that Mom and/or Dad are looking outside the marriage for intimacy.

 

Nothing on this earth justifys cheating.

 

Yes I already made up my mind. My mind was already made up before I started this thread, but I can still ask.

 

 

If you are in a sexless marriage try and fix it and if that doesn't work openly get it somewhere else. Tell her exactly why you are going elsewhere as well.

 

Good luck on that. I don't believe for one second that too many guys or gals would be ok with that type of open marriage.

[OpenBook]

You proved my point. Using the kids to try and justify the cheating.

 

I really don't think that the kids would be better off having the parents still be together and knowing that Mom and/or Dad are looking outside the marriage for intimacy.

 

Nothing on this earth justifys cheating.

 

Yes I already made up my mind. My mind was already made up before I started this thread, but I can still ask.

 

 

 

 

Good luck on that. I don't believe for one second that too many guys or gals would be ok with that type of open marriage.

 

And you've proven mine. You're not "Just Wondering" at all... you're "Just Baiting." Good luck on that.

[Pyro]

And you've proven mine. You're not "Just Wondering" at all... you're "Just Baiting." Good luck on that.

 

I was just wondering what everyone else would do if put in that situation. Go back and re-read the first post.

 

If you don't have anything else to contribute to this thread, then continue on to the next thread.

[OpenBook]

I was just wondering what everyone else would do if put in that situation. Go back and re-read the first post.

 

If you don't have anything else to contribute to this thread, then continue on to the next thread.

 

With pleasure. Have a great day!

[Can'tGiveUp]

I noticed this from a couple of responses on here, so thats why I started this thread.

 

If you are in a sexless marriage and have children, how would you handle the situation? Would you go through MC first and if to no avail would you divorce the person, or would you just go outside the marriage and get your sexual fix and stay together just for the kids sake?

 

I don't think that going outside the marriage is normally a conscious decision. I think they develop a friendship that grows into more and when they evaluate the situation at that point, the decision to stay for the kids becomes a common one.

 

And I think anyone you ask, who hasn't personally been in that position, will say that they should and would end the marriage before engaging in another relationship. It's not always so black and white when you are in the midst of it.

[CynicalP]

I noticed this from a couple of responses on here, so thats why I started this thread.

 

If you are in a sexless marriage and have children, how would you handle the situation? Would you go through MC first and if to no avail would you divorce the person, or would you just go outside the marriage and get your sexual fix and stay together just for the kids sake?

 

 

Wow that the crux of the problem type question where there are many variables involved in a relationship. It's typical not as cut and dry as it may seem.

 

First off, I am in the camp that believes that infidelity is extremely damaging overall to everyone involved( the cheater, the person being cheated on, the kids, and the other man or woman ). It is a risk where the rewards in my opinion don't justify the overall costs. However, as a man, I can understand exactly why some men would take the risk to seek intimacy elsewhere.

 

I am not referring to those men who have a tendacy to cheat at the drop of the hat. For what ever reason I just cannot understand the mindset of those men and I feel they don't represent the majority of men overall. I am referring to the average Joe, some of whom seem to populate message boards like LS and share a similiar stories of intimacy stravation and sexual frustration.

 

These men for whatever reason feel trapped in their current relationship. Many of them have communicate to their wives their dissatisfaction with their sexless marriage and have recieved guilt ridden excuses, unfilled promises for change, have the concerns thrown back into their faces, or in some cases complete apathy.

 

Advice for these men who seek it are attend MC, seek divorce, find another person to fullfill their needs, or suffer in slience .

 

It's debatable if MC is a long term solution, from what I have read here it seems ineffective or offers a short term relief to the problem. I have no experience of it myself and can only comment on anecdotal evidence that is provide here on the boards.

 

Many men know that divorce outcomes are biased to favor the women. These men have watched their male friends, relatives, and coworkers suffer financial, emotional ruin and the possible loss of their children by an unfair family court system. For men divorce is a costly and painful path for sexual relief and besides most men while unhappy with current sexless marriage still love their wives and do find value in their marriage not to pursue the divorce path.

 

Then there is a option of find intimacy elsewhere. I doubt many men would seek the permission from their wives to allow them to sleep with other women so this leaves the man with sneaking around and hope they don't get caught. At first it seems easy to rationalize the reasons for cheating, and see it as a game of chance with unknown odds with a reseaonable payoff but a huge downside if caught. It's up to the man to determine if the risk of getting caught and assuming the horrible consequences is really worth meeting his sexual needs or desires. Having seen the consequences of the damage my father inflicted on my family I personally determined it's not worth the risk.

 

The final option is suffer in silence and this isnt a solution to the problem overall. Sure the guy can pleasure himself with a bunch of porn, but there is always the desire for the real thing.

 

I used to hate my father for the longest time for the damage he inflicted on my mom, my siblings and myself. I didnt understand why he would betray my mother until I found myself married and in a somewhat sexless marriage lacking in mental,emotional and physical stimulation. I now know my father felt similiarly trapped in the same circumstance and I have come to the conclusion my father wasn't soley responsible. My mother's lack of affection ( which was evident at the time ) towards my father was a contributing factor and she was not just an innocent victim of my father reckless behavior.

 

That is my perspective as a man based on my experiences and observations. Also I'm in the suffer in silence mode for now.

Edited January 26, 2008 by CynicalP

[quankanne]

sexless & without kids here. And while I sometimes have revenge fantasies about getting some elsewhere (sex, not kids ), I know that will always remain just fantasies. Because I'm more interested in remaining committed to my relationship with DH than I am getting boinked.

 

sex isn't the be-all end-all in a relationship, though it *is* a very enjoyable part of it.

[Woggle]

If a woman is not okay with an open relationship she should be more willing to be more intimate. I will never force a woman to have sex or even beg her but if she cuts me off don't expect me to live celibate either.

[annieo]

I would go the mc route. Cheated in previous relationships,and it was messy, I felt like a ****, and it all went fairly badly. Plus, I'm a bad liar (I blush), so the double life thing is not an option for me. My conscience trips me up every time.

I would also evaluate the other areas of the relationship. Are we happy otherwise? Is my h good to me, fair, kind on a day-to-day basis? I would suspect that if the sex was gone (and I mean GONE, not just that it's not happening as often as I would like), that there would be other areas of the marriage that had issues as well.

I think that some people (men and women) cheat and use "lack of sex" as an excuse for wanting to mess around with other people. I've read threads (usually by husbands) who are "only" getting it once or twice a week (which in my opinion, isn't exactly a sexual starvation diet!) who are contemplating getting their "needs" (love that term for bored and horny) met elsewhere. Sound like a lame excuse to me.

[quankanne]

I think that some people (men and women) cheat and use "lack of sex" as an excuse for wanting to mess around with other people. I've read threads (usually by husbands) who are "only" getting it once or twice a week (which in my opinion, isn't exactly a sexual starvation diet!) who are contemplating getting their "needs" (love that term for bored and horny) met elsewhere. Sound like a lame excuse to me.

 

thank you!

 

because if what wog posts is the mindset of every partner who feels he/she shouldn't be denied, then the marriage isn't really about what BOTH need, just what EACH wants. And I'll tell you what, married sex is put into perspective when you've got a partner with a waning sex drive due to health issues, to mental issues, to aging issues - you're forced to rethink what's important: The relationship itself or the over-riding need to "get some."

 

there's not always a happy medium but that medium still needs to be strived for if you're looking to have a healthy, happy marriage. Otherwise, why stick around if the only goal is to let your crotch dictate the terms of the relationship?

[Storyrider]

I don't know about for men, but for many women, it is not all about the crotch. It is a comforting thought to have a friendly, supportive roommate for the next thirty years of life, but how many people can gaze across the future of their marriage and say they feel good about never feeling passion again. Never again. How can anyone feel good about that? How can anyone resign themselves to that?

 

And no, it absolutely does not justify cheating whatsoever.

 

Still, it is useful to distinguish impetus from justification for the purposes of studying the problem. If someone is deprived of passion in marriage and that influences the decision to cheat, they can tell you the reasons that influenced the choice and still be sharply aware that their actions are wrong and unjustified. Alcoholics can often admit their drinking is wrong, even as they raise the glass. They'd rather be drunk and wrong than sober and right, even knowing that it hurts others.

[annieo]

I don't know about for men, but for many women, it is not all about the crotch. It is a comforting thought to have a friendly, supportive roommate for the next thirty years of life, but how many people can gaze across the future of their marriage and say they feel good about never feeling passion again. Never again. How can anyone feel good about that? How can anyone resign themselves to that?

 

And no, it absolutely does not justify cheating whatsoever.

 

 

Well, that's part of the deal, "resigning" yourself to being with one person, which means that you will not have that thrill of the new ever again. And yeah, that's a tough mental bump to get over. But it's part of the deal (or it's supposed to be).

What I have found, though (and I'm on marriage number two, so I am a) a bit of a hypocrite and b) experienced enough to have an reasoned opinion on the subject) is that the sex I have with my h is better now than it was when we first started having sex with each other. We know each other well enough and are familiar enough to let our guard down and really have some fun. And if that isn't passion, what is. I don't think it's the passion that necessarily goes missing, it's the novelty, the chase, the uncertainty, and yes, that is some wonderful stuff. But you can't have that and stability, long-term love, which has it's own rewards. Take your pick, and then live with the good and bad of your decision.

[Storyrider]

Well, that's part of the deal, "resigning" yourself to being with one person, which means that you will not have that thrill of the new ever again. And yeah, that's a tough mental bump to get over. But it's part of the deal (or it's supposed to be).

What I have found, though (and I'm on marriage number two, so I am a) a bit of a hypocrite and b) experienced enough to have an reasoned opinion on the subject) is that the sex I have with my h is better now than it was when we first started having sex with each other. We know each other well enough and are familiar enough to let our guard down and really have some fun. And if that isn't passion, what is. I don't think it's the passion that necessarily goes missing, it's the novelty, the chase, the uncertainty, and yes, that is some wonderful stuff. But you can't have that and stability, long-term love, which has it's own rewards. Take your pick, and then live with the good and bad of your decision.

 

Your situation sounds ideal, and you're very fortunate, but I don't see how it is on topic. This thread assumes a sexless marriage.

[Woggle]

I don't think men should take my option unless all other options have been exhausted. If a man is married to a woman like in that article from that British newspaper in that other article and he still wants to see his kids grow up why not take a mistress. If a man tries and tries and tries with no success there is nothing wrong with resorting to plan B but he should never go behind her back.

[Desperate HH]

Nothing on this earth justifys cheating.

 

If you are in a sexless marriage try and fix it and if that doesn't work openly get it somewhere else. Tell her exactly why you are going elsewhere as well.

 

Good luck on that. I don't believe for one second that too many guys or gals would be ok with that type of open marriage.

 

After extensive counseling, and increasing frustration, I informed DW that celibacy and I do not get along. That I must - and will -have intimacy, and yes sex, in my life. I begged for it to be with her.

 

Her response? She couldn't blame me for my decision, under the circumstances. And she didn't express any interest in being further informed.

 

 

I won't flaunt my activities, rubbing them in her face. Nor will I lie if asked - beyond small evasions, as at dinner this evening with the children, when she asked "and what did you do today?".

 

Will our marriage survive? I am almost certain it would, if we could restore intimacy. Without intimacy, I can only hope so; we have built a wonderful life together, and have so much to lose.

 

DHH

Edited January 27, 2008 by Desperate HH

[Pyro]

I don't think that going outside the marriage is normally a conscious decision. I think they develop a friendship that grows into more and when they evaluate the situation at that point, the decision to stay for the kids becomes a common one.

 

And I think anyone you ask, who hasn't personally been in that position, will say that they should and would end the marriage before engaging in another relationship. It's not always so black and white when you are in the midst of it.

 

I agree that its not usually so black and white like I wrote, but we all have morals and values. Obviously those morals and values differ per person and are held at different levels of importance per person.

[Pyro]

If a woman is not okay with an open relationship she should be more willing to be more intimate. I will never force a woman to have sex or even beg her but if she cuts me off don't expect me to live celibate either.

 

So why wouldn't you just divorce her first?

[annieo]

Your situation sounds ideal, and you're very fortunate, but I don't see how it is on topic. This thread assumes a sexless marriage.

Quite right, if sexless really means NO sex, not just insufficient sex.

NO, like absolutely never, months and years have passed without sex, well I think that qualifies as emotional abuse. Fix it if possible or get out. You're doing your children no favours having them grow up in a home where mom and dad are disconnected from each other and at least one of them is miserable.

[Woggle]

So why wouldn't you just divorce her first?

 

If there are kids involved that is hard.