seeking voices of experience...

[atc2410]

I think I know the answer to this but would appreciate the guidance anyway.

 

Am a lurker since my breakup in Oct 2007 and the insights here have been very helpful.

 

I won't go into detail regarding the relationship and breakup other than to say it was the real deal, almost two years, live-in and extremely loving and affectionate. She is young however (early 20s) and I'd be lying if I didn't forsee a time when she would want to spread her wings and experience life outside a settled relationship. So it was to be. Very painful for me because when it came it was unexpected, everything seemed as good as it ever had and I was in deep.

 

We did the inevitable friends thing immediately afterwards. I wanted her and she missed me. She kept me where she could still benefit from me and I let her do that. This continued up until Christmas and new years eve.

 

On new years eve we did our own things however on the night of new years day we ended up in the same venue. Yes not ideal. We exchanged a nice hello and stayed with our respective groups. Later I was ready to go but wasn't sure whether to interrupt her group to say goodbye. Soon after she came to me and said goodbye to which I replied I was leaving myself and we walked to the exit together. I offered her a lift home and she was very dismissive, as in rude. It was the first time she'd ever spoken to me like that. No need to go into details but I ended up having to walk away because she was just being awful. Now on reflection I can understand she may have felt crowded at that moment (I realised soon after she was leaving with a friend) but it was nothing I could forsee and she should not have been rude. But she was and really it's just one of those things that can occur between recent exes.

 

The next day I emailed to ask why she was nasty and she came back saying she didn't want to give me the wrong idea and that I was being persistant and insecure. I replied the only reason I was insecure was due to how she was speaking to me and that if she was nice I would've left a normal and happy person. I also said we've known and respected each other long enough that she could just tell me she didn't want to give me the wrong idea rather than be rude. I ended by suggesting distance and a period of no contact so whatever happens down the track occurs without confusion or doubt. That's the last thing I said to her and we've not communicated since.

 

Since then her birthday has passed which I left alone. Just prior to her birthday and a couple of weeks after our last correspondence we ended up in the same club together but I stayed away. Recently I've been fighting a strong urge to contact because I fear there's not peace between us. Or rather I so desperately want there to be peace between us. I'm tempted to contact to let her know I accept that night was one of those retarded ex relationship moments and that while distance is still necessary I don't want there to be animosity. However if I do that I understand I'll be putting myself out there and risking a negative reaction.

 

I was a very giving boyfriend (and ex boyfriend for that matter) and she would have absolutely no reason to dislike me. That said it's a shame she didn't reply to my last mail and it seemed she really did turn on me within a matter of hours. In all honestly I think I should just leave it alone. Peace will come with distance and our paths will cross again. That will be when I guage how she's feeling rather than sending any kind of open-ended correspondence.

 

Would value some experienced insight however.

Edited January 26, 2008 by atc2410

[Zacky]

Leave her alone bro, nothing good can come from this. From what I can tell, you two probably are not getting together anytime soon. Just go with the no contact and leave her be.

 

Im in the same boat believe it or not. My ex and I were together almost three years, lived together (practically) and broke up in November 07. With that said, do what I did, leave her memory in the past and refuse to wish you were still with her. Do it even if it means burning a bridge.

[Replicant]

I think I know the answer to this but would appreciate the guidance anyway.

 

Am a lurker since my breakup in Oct 2007 and the insights here have been very helpful.

 

I won't go into detail regarding the relationship and breakup other than to say it was the real deal, almost two years, live-in and extremely loving and affectionate. She is young however (early 20s) and I'd be lying if I didn't forsee a time when she would want to spread her wings and experience life outside a settled relationship. So it was to be. Very painful for me because when it came it was unexpected, everything seemed as good as it ever had and I was in deep.

 

I think the thing is you needed to vent, but in the end you know the answers are within your own text.

 

Basically women in their early 20's are flakes, very few will end up dating their highschool sweetheart to the point of marriage or settling down. Let alone same person 5-10 years from that point. Like you said yourself, it was very likely to happen. The idea of a settled relationship likely came out of nowhere and spurred her into thinking. The whole Why and What? of it all may never come out to make much sense (This is women we are talking about here!) or even be a very mature reasoning on her part but everything should point back to her age, lack of experience and what she wants to do with her life. Let her figure that on her own. She has no clue yet. You two were likely on different levels.

 

You see many people here breaking NC constantly just to drop a call, text or email for some shred of evidence their ex still thinks of them but all they are doing is sabotaging themselves right back to square one for a whole lot of nothing. In many cases it gives the ex an ego boost to know you still care and think of them, or to keep you on as a friend to use you when they feel fit. Which is more like using the better parts of you without actually dating you. (Having ones cake and eating it too) Realize this wont change things. It's not friends in the true sense of the word, i don't believe it can ever be unless a large amount of time has passed where those feelings do not exist on either side.

 

Turn your back on this girl, don't be her puppet on a string. In time eventually you'll realize she's not worth hanging onto. How you deliver such a message is up to you of course but in the end move on with your life and invest that time in a some other great girl or real friends who are worth it.

[atc2410]

Thanks for the replies. Nice to have reiterated what I already know and am practicing but while my head is clear my soft, damaged heart plays tricks.

 

There was actually a fair age difference between us. Her early 20s and me in my 30s. We met, connected and details such as age, occupation etc. followed as an afterthought. At the time a committed relationship with me was what she wanted. Things change though and she started seeing her close friends living life as free agents and being attracted to that.

 

It's just such a shame to invest so much time in another person only to have to walk away. And to walk away after an unpleasent exchange. That's what's doing my head in the most. I just want peace between us. We got on so well as friends and of course I still care immsensley for her, her family and everything else I poured myself into during the past two years.

[Jmina]

"The next day I emailed to ask why she was nasty and she came back saying she didn't want to give me the wrong idea and that I was being persistant and insecure. I replied the only reason I was insecure was due to how she was speaking to me and that if she was nice I would've left a "normal and happy person. I also said we've known and respected each other long enough that she could just tell me she didn't want to give me the wrong idea rather than be rude. I ended by suggesting distance and a period of no contact so whatever happens down the track occurs without confusion or doubt. That's the last thing I said to her and we've not communicated since."

 

 

I will never let someone make me feel insecure becuse of the way they speak to me, even if it was my ex. This is YOURE insecurity not her problem or her fault. Can't blame others for making you feel insecure, they are simply highlighting an area that you need to work on, to create.

 

If she was nice to you it would just be pacifying your weakness and so the pattern would go on.

 

everything happens for a reason and you could gain something from this.

 

your next action was to then suggest no contact which seems to be that you did out of anger or frustration and the tiredness of being hurt.

 

it was you that initiated your own negative pattern with being insecure, then blaming her for feeling insecure, then you took the action to go NC and now YOU want the peace.

 

it really is inside you that you need to create the peace from. Its all about you and nothing to do with her. she is simply a symptom of your root problem here. and yes symptoms can be much worse and seem much more dominant at the time, the cause may be really hard to find but there is always a cause and the reality is, it is not her.

 

 

 

 

I acknowledge she hasnt been all roses either i know, and im not here out of anything sinister. my heart is in the right place and i really am trying to help you. not just pat your back. and say you will feel better in time. im really just trying to bring you a different perspective that might help you really get and feel in control from a peacful place with a clear head, rather than 'control' from a bitter place with a head chatty mind.

 

 

the peace you want between you and your ex will come after you find it from yourself.

 

the peace youre yearning for will come when you can take blame for every action that you took, which gave an outcome in your life. and feeling at peace with that because; well you aquired gifts from it, and everybody does the best that they can in any given situation.

 

you will get peace if you can take the blame for yourself and give her permission to feel exactly how she is feeling. she is allowed to upset, angry, and so are you but there is a place for these emotions to stand from and its from within. the more this is grasped and understood the easier it is to handle experiences like this.

 

 

Keep posting

if i welled negative emotions in you then well good you know you have some work to do.

 

Jmina

[Replicant]

Breakups don't always have amicable partings. If so they would not be breakups. There is no real way to sugar coat the reality of things. Giving her what she wants is probably the most indirect and respectful way to go about it. But on that note, if she is still injecting herself into your life it is wrong. It's limiting you from moving on at the cost of her using you when it is convenient for her and her motives.

 

All of your questions should lead back to her age and maturity. Girls in their early 20's are an emotional roller coaster that constantly has to go down for maintenance, so what she said one month sometimes can have no relevance to what is said the next. In a way such are doomed from the start, when the haze clears and reality of taking the relationship forward to the next level, it's a race she cannot win so she bails emotionally. She lacks experience plain and simple. Sure it's ignorant, selfish etc...But like i said there is no sugar coated form of accepting reasons 'why' that people really want to hear.

 

It's not her level of peace you should being thinking of, it's your own. She forfeited hers when she walked.

[atc2410]

"The next day I emailed to ask why she was nasty and she came back saying she didn't want to give me the wrong idea and that I was being persistant and insecure. I replied the only reason I was insecure was due to how she was speaking to me and that if she was nice I would've left a "normal and happy person. I also said we've known and respected each other long enough that she could just tell me she didn't want to give me the wrong idea rather than be rude. I ended by suggesting distance and a period of no contact so whatever happens down the track occurs without confusion or doubt. That's the last thing I said to her and we've not communicated since."

 

 

I will never let someone make me feel insecure becuse of the way they speak to me, even if it was my ex. This is YOURE insecurity not her problem or her fault. Can't blame others for making you feel insecure, they are simply highlighting an area that you need to work on, to create.

 

If she was nice to you it would just be pacifying your weakness and so the pattern would go on.

 

everything happens for a reason and you could gain something from this.

 

your next action was to then suggest no contact which seems to be that you did out of anger or frustration and the tiredness of being hurt.

 

it was you that initiated your own negative pattern with being insecure, then blaming her for feeling insecure, then you took the action to go NC and now YOU want the peace.

 

it really is inside you that you need to create the peace from. Its all about you and nothing to do with her. she is simply a symptom of your root problem here. and yes symptoms can be much worse and seem much more dominant at the time, the cause may be really hard to find but there is always a cause and the reality is, it is not her.

 

 

 

 

I acknowledge she hasnt been all roses either i know, and im not here out of anything sinister. my heart is in the right place and i really am trying to help you. not just pat your back. and say you will feel better in time. im really just trying to bring you a different perspective that might help you really get and feel in control from a peacful place with a clear head, rather than 'control' from a bitter place with a head chatty mind.

 

 

the peace you want between you and your ex will come after you find it from yourself.

 

the peace youre yearning for will come when you can take blame for every action that you took, which gave an outcome in your life. and feeling at peace with that because; well you aquired gifts from it, and everybody does the best that they can in any given situation.

 

you will get peace if you can take the blame for yourself and give her permission to feel exactly how she is feeling. she is allowed to upset, angry, and so are you but there is a place for these emotions to stand from and its from within. the more this is grasped and understood the easier it is to handle experiences like this.

 

 

Keep posting

if i welled negative emotions in you then well good you know you have some work to do.

 

Jmina

 

Thanks for your post and advice, Jmina.

 

Trust me when I say I'm not seeking to justify my position or actions. I freely acknowledge every frailty and weakness I've exhibited during all this. Really as much as it sucked to be on the receiving end of it she did nothing extraordinary in being rude to me that night.

 

I wasn't so much insecure as I was just shocked and hurt. Her being rude came out of nowhere. Earlier that night she'd contacted me to ask how my day was going. We had a joke toghether and I thought it was comfortable. I just couldn't have predicted her reaction at the end of the night.

 

Honestly with that happening I just thought distance was the best solution. It was me doing what I thought was best because despite the personal advantages in distancing myself from someone I love or no longer wants to be with me, the last thing I want is for her to be annoyed by me. Also she has a lot of new friends and I don't want to be conversation fodder for them. With that I'll hopefully find the peace from within you describe, she'll have space to explore her new life and when our paths cross again it will be without our relationship being in the present. That's my logic.

 

But yes your comment regarding my suggestion of distance coming from my being hurt is a driving force behind my desire to contact her. I don't want her to think I'm bitter.

Edited January 28, 2008 by atc2410

[atc2410]

It's not her level of peace you should being thinking of, it's your own. She forfeited hers when she walked.

 

Yep. I wish I had the strength to walk away after that initial break up chat. She wanted to stay in contact though and as mentioned with her still being very clingy I thought she may have just needed a few weeks with the girls.