sweets Posted June 22, 2003 Posted June 22, 2003 Me and my ex had been together since June of last year. My brother went to school with him and my cousin married his cousin. He asked me to do his hair so he gave me his number. I didnt call, so he was disappointed. He actually wanted me to call for conversation..not for me to confirm i would do his hair as i later found out. His birthday passed, and so I decided to ask him out on a date. He was pretty shy but we had a good time. He had been dealin with a group of girls from the neighborhood and they got jealous when they seen me in his truck..driving...so they wanted to get revenge by wanting to jump me. It never materialized, but i overheard them talking about it. We became closer after that incident. Things went wonderful before he started snooping through my diary, which was in a LOCKED safe. I happened to be best friends with a guy he grew up with, and at the time he didnt know that i was speaking of him.i never informed my ex that i had been intimate at one time with him. And ever since he read my diary from 1998! he was on a jealous rage, saying he would kill him. I never got rid of my mutual male friends so eventually he became very jealous, which lead to countless arguments and lead to domestic violence. I never called the police because i always fell for the "i'll never do it again" trap and i really wanted this relationship to work, because his family always gossiped about us. I never had bruises, but he would snatch the phone out the wall, throw me around the house...barricade me...put my daughter in her room out of my reach..etc. He was a very jealous person overnight. We've fought physically in the mall over a group of guys looking at me. I was dressed casually nothing revealing, and he accused me of knowing them . He was very possessive, and everytime we would fight he would try to make me sit and listen to his "why we should work this relationship out" speech..which sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher by the 10th. second. I became a secretive person because he always asked me a million questions like "who is on the phone?" "who are you talking to""where the eff you been?" .All i do is work and come home..how did i have time to cheat? i didnt want to get rid of my friends but i got rid of my cell phone because he suspected me of cheating. After our last physical fight i was too afraid to tell him the relationship was over because he tried to smother me twice the last time i did. i blocked the phone calls finally and he seen me the next day and made a scene at my aunts house over it.then that sunday he called his MOTHER and told her my aunt threatened him.He put her in the conversation, and she spoke her mind. We all talked for about 2 hours...said bye to each other and everything..and then i got that phone call from his mom. Then, he called my JOB questioning my friend why i wasnt taking his calls.I went and got a restraining order against him because he said he wasnt going to break up with me..and i couldnt get rid of him. I was tired of the abuse and the mental state he had me in. I hated when he had his family thinking he was such a good person...if they only knew what he put me through. My dilemma is that i feel so down all the time, just thinking about him. I know ending the relationship was the best thing i could have ever done for us. he wasnt all there (the suicidal thoughts he had as a teenager and occasionally after we fought (i guess he said he was suicidal to get me to feel sorry for him.)and him pulling a gun on me)I miss the better times about us. i just wish he would get help. I hate that i have this urge to get back with him..but all it is goin to do is repeat it's course.I cant get rid of it. i tried so hard to help him and i feel like i wasted my time. I hurt so much..especially when i think about the domestic violence.i've been crying everyday since i wised up and got out of the relationship. Why do we always hurt the ones we supposedly love?
Just A Girl2 Posted June 22, 2003 Posted June 22, 2003 Hello there, First let me say, I'm extremely sorry that you've had to endure this disappointment and abuse. You deserve so much better...a man who will really love and respect you....one who sees you as his partner, not his property. I can very much relate to the following passage from your post: My dilemma is that i feel so down all the time, just thinking about him. I know ending the relationship was the best thing i could have ever done for us. he wasnt all there (the suicidal thoughts he had as a teenager and occasionally after we fought (i guess he said he was suicidal to get me to feel sorry for him.)and him pulling a gun on me)I miss the better times about us. i just wish he would get help. I hate that i have this urge to get back with him..but all it is goin to do is repeat it's course.I cant get rid of it. i tried so hard to help him and i feel like i wasted my time. I hurt so much..especially when i think about the domestic violence.i've been crying everyday since i wised up and got out of the relationship. Why do we always hurt the ones we supposedly love? Back from the ages of 24-27, I was in an abusive relationship/which turned into an abusive marriage. Thank God we didn't bring any children into the picture. At first, and for quite some time, he was very charming and funny and seemed to have so many great qualities....we were like "two peas in a pod" and I couldn't believe I'd found someone so wonderful. Slowly, over time, he didn't want me to have friends, didn't want me to have contact with my family, he would yell in my face, call me filthy names, spit in my face, destroy things that were mine, he'd slap me, drag me, lock me in the bathroom or our bedroom, or lock me out of the house in the cold (40 below, in the winter, in northern Canada)....he watched my every move, if I dared go visit a girlfriend, he'd drive around town til he found where I was and then he'd call her up and threaten her, then threaten me. On the surface, to his family, my family, friends, he appeared to be such a "great guy"....so many people likely didn't have a clue how horrible he was to me. He was controlling, bossy, domineering, manipulative, humiliating and insulting.......he put me down as a woman, a wife.......if I didn't want sex with him a half hour after he'd have smacked me around, he'd flip out and accuse me of being "a dyke" and saying things like "if I can't get it at home, I'll get it somewhere else." Life with him was constantly about walking on eggshells and there always being such underlying tension....always waiting for him to flip out about something stupid: the way the cans were arranged in the cupboard, the way the food in the fridge was arranged, bla bla bla. I finally had him charged w/ assault and unlawful confinement, which as you can imagine didn't go over too well. We lived in a very small town, and although I moved out and got a place of my own, I still lived each day with tension and hurt and fear and sadness. Like you now, I'd often remember the "Good times" and why I'd originally fallen in love with him....to the point a lot of the time that I'd focus ONLY on the good times and I'd block out the hell he'd put me through...only to then end up blaming myself for how he'd been to me.....and writing him big long letters and apologizing for anything I'd ever done and begging him to want to make our marriage work. I must have appeared to have no pride or self respect at all. Oh, and did I mention that he was cheating on me while married? It took me a LONG time, despite how evil he was, to stop hanging onto the "good thoughts" about him. His favorite comment to me after he'd smack me around was, "You bring out the worst in me." It took a few years for me to stop believing that I was somehow to blame for the way he treated me. I know you're sad and you likely miss him lots and you remember the good times and memories....but these aren't really "true"...guys like this are #1 charmers.....they should all go to Hollywood because they are the best actors. The good qualities and good times are all BS.....all part of the act/game to win you over and suck you in......so that they can begin their brainwashing and manipulation. The best thing that helped me, particularly after I'd left him and was still getting through my brainwashed episodes.. and was missing him and feeling weak and like it was all my fault........was contacting the local Battered Womens Shelter in my town. It's free, and the women who work there are victims of past domestic violence themselves.........all forms of it: mental, verbal, physical, sexual. They know FIRST HAND what a woman in your shoes is going through..how hard it can be emotionally, even after you've ended the relationship. You can talk to them anonymously, on the phone (if you don't want to reveal who you are).....or they can meet you somewhere in person to have a coffee and listen to you/let you have someone to vent to......or they can make arrangements to have you come down to their shelter to have a coffee there and speak with someone.....the ladies are all so terrific....and it would be the same way everywhere......because they KNOW what you're going through......but more than that, they will help you to begin the process of building up your self esteem and realizing that the abuse you received was NOT YOUR FAULT. If you don't know how to contact the local shelter in your area, call up your local hospital or police department.......they will know of the number. IF you're calling the police department, just tell them it's NOT an emergency, you're just calling for the number. They will know it and will gladly pass it onto you. This is a tough time for you.....you're a mix of emotions and you have a lot of healing to do.......these women will be a great support to you, plus a lot of these shelters have regular support groups FOR women who are victims of abuse ...where you can sit down and talk with others who are in your shoes.....and not feel so 'alone'. They will also tell you the importance of staying safe.........yes, you have a restraining order, which is helpful, but it's not a 100% guaranteed way of ensuring your ex doesn't try to contact you. Many abusive men are very p*ssed when their women finally leave them.........it really is an attack on their ego/pride. Always be aware of your safety......don't ever put yourself into a situation where you're alone...whether it's going to work, coming home from work, or going out on the weekend. Avoid places you know he might be. Make sure the place you're living in is safe......doors and windows locked, and call the cops if you EVER have any concerns at all. And although your ex made you get rid of your cell phone, get another one....you should have one with you at all times. Not trying to scare you, just want you to be safe and not feel a false sense of security now that you've left him. Be safe for you and your daughter. Come back here any time you need to vent/talk/get support..but please, DO get the number for the nearest Battered Women's Shelter in your area and call them........they are the GREATEST most INVALUABLE source of support you will have, I assure you. Take good care JAG2
PurpleAngel Posted June 22, 2003 Posted June 22, 2003 Hey Sweets Just know you have done the right thing!!! This is the first step to your new life! I know what you are going through I understand what it means to have the equation ‘love = PAIN’ in your life, but let me tell you its not meant to. I recommend something that changed my life in my quest to understand why this equation was so real to me. I read this book called “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood. It has changed my life. She talks about women in relationships like yours. Please read it, you will not regret it. It will not only assist your understanding of the LOVE you deserve but it will also heal all the burses inside! Take care and don’t go back, YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE. Believe it! Love yourself! You deserve the best! Light and Love Purplediva
Just A Girl2 Posted June 22, 2003 Posted June 22, 2003 yes, that's a very excellent book, I highly recommend it, too. In the "self help" section of any large bookstore, there are usually lots of really good books that will help abused women heal and come to terms with having been in an abusive relationship. And also, women who have been in abusive relationships will often continue ending up with abusive men......there are great books out there, too, that can help a woman break this 'pattern' so that she doesn't get caught up in the trap again.
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