Elilmomma Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 My Hubby and I have been together almost 11 years and it seems like all we do is hurt eachother. we both cheated before we were married and now he had an affair recently with a co-worker and we just can't seem to leave the past alone. I know I did wrong and I admit it but he uses what I did as an excuse for his affair. so is it really possible to leave the past where it belongs in the past? maybe it's my kharma for doing him wrong? but for the record I fould out about his cheating 5 years after he did it. are we just gonna a keep going in this vicious cycle? he says he can leave the past alone but he always justifies his actions to what I did. I do love him very much, I made a mistake once and never did it again, I am only human. now he says that the ow is in love with him, so what am I suppose to do with that? then he says he still loves me , we do have history and 2 kids. help
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Two wrongs don't make a right... Have you two really sat down and talked? Opened up, and told him what you've said here? Would he be willing to do counseling with you? I do agree, for your kids sake, you both owe it to them and to eachother to work through this and see if the marriage is salvagable. Anyway, he HAS to end it with the OW before he can work on the marriage. If he isn't willing to let go of her, then there's no point in trying to fix things. You guys need to change your dynamtic completely, learn how to communicate better. Marriage counselling definately will help but the desire has to be there for both of you.
TMCM Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 My Hubby and I have been together almost 11 years and it seems like all we do is hurt eachother. we both cheated before we were married and now he had an affair recently with a co-worker and we just can't seem to leave the past alone. I know I did wrong and I admit it but he uses what I did as an excuse for his affair. so is it really possible to leave the past where it belongs in the past? maybe it's my kharma for doing him wrong? but for the record I fould out about his cheating 5 years after he did it. are we just gonna a keep going in this vicious cycle? he says he can leave the past alone but he always justifies his actions to what I did. I do love him very much, I made a mistake once and never did it again, I am only human. now he says that the ow is in love with him, so what am I suppose to do with that? then he says he still loves me , we do have history and 2 kids. help IF you and your husband recriminate each other for your bad choices, it is not surprising that the two of you justify each other's bad behavior. Criticisim is counterproductive and your recoveries will come to a dead stop. Is that what you want? You want him to emotionally connect with you? Then stop all the negative comments and treat each other with respect and kindness. If your behavior changes for the better, then there may be more than a good chance that he will do as well. Don't fall into the trap of saying 'I'm going to start treating you with respect and kindness just as soon as you reciprocate'. That simply will not work. If you want him to open up to you then you must show him that he will not be punished for doing so. Lastly, consider the value of doing this even if the marriage ends. Both of you would continue to share parenting duties and will need to treat each other with respect for the wellbeing of the kids. Give it some thought.
Wibble Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Well, try and see your relationship from his persective. You say you were both unfaithful before marriage - nothing so unusual in that, and he probably regards the "score" as even. But then, crucially, you were unfaithful AFTER marriage. Now you regard it as a big mistake, and sincerely regret it, but HE sees it as a repetition of your pre-marital behaviour. For him, you have undermined the unspoken forgiveness that was implicit in the agreement to get married. The "score" is now no longer even, but you owe him a BIG one. His affair is his way of restoring the balance. It is a very chidish way of looking at things, but is it any more selfish than having an affair in the first place? And in a way it has worked. You are now feeling all the pain, betrayal and insecurity that you inflicted on him. You will now have to show the same degree of forgiveness that he showed, but crucially you need to both recognise that the "score" is now even. If either of you unsettles the delicate balance from now on then the consequences will be catastrophic. All the business about OW loving him etc is pretty much par for the course with extra-marital relationships. The feelings will fade as the affair whithers, and then you can start afresh with some total openness and honesty. In many ways the chances of success are greater as you both understand the intense feelings of an adulterous relationship, and both have to forgive the behaviour of the other. I hope you don't feel I am over-simplifying or trivialising your plight. I just believe that the raw instincts of men in your husbands situation are pretty easy to understand. He has been made to feel worthless and impotent - another man has seduced his wife, for heaven's sake - so he needs to prove his manliness and virility to his own satisfaction. That has now happened, so he is much more willing to make the necessary moves to restore the integrity to his marriage. I'd say the omens were pretty good.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 (edited) I DID NOT step out of my marriage he did. I treated him badly after we got married, but I was never unfaithful during our marriage he was. Edited January 26, 2008 by Elilmomma
Wibble Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Ah, I am so sorry. I misunderstood your initial post. Most of my post must seem irrelevant, if not rather offensive, for which I apologise. Never the less, your husband seems to feel a sense of entitlement as a result of previous events. He needs to see how his self centredness has caused more harm than anything anyone did prior to the marriage. The necessity for honesty and openness is still valid.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Ah, I am so sorry. I misunderstood your initial post. Most of my post must seem irrelevant, if not rather offensive, for which I apologise. Never the less, your husband seems to feel a sense of entitlement as a result of previous events. He needs to see how his self centredness has caused more harm than anything anyone did prior to the marriage. The necessity for honesty and openness is still valid. Thank you I appreciate your advice
blaze Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 so is it really possible to leave the past where it belongs in the past? In short, yes. I've seen it happen. My sister cheated on her husband 4 years ago. It was incredibly difficult to rebuild the trust, but they were both commited to the marriage and to their children, and deep down, they knew they loved each other. So they've made it work. They're still working on it. he says he can leave the past alone but he always justifies his actions to what I did. This is a problem. If he shows no remorse, there can be no healing for you. Not to mention, you could throw his justification right back in his face. By his logic, you would be justified in cheating on him due to his cheating on you. So I recommend some counseling. I don't think it's healthy for you to continually grill him on the affair since it's apparent that he has no intention of admitting any wrong doing. That will only cause more defensiveness and justification from him and tension in the home. With a counselor you and your husband might be able work it out.
cj1988 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Me and my H live the same way. I cheated on him when we were seperated (NOT MARRIED and he left me) so he thinks what he did (maybe and EA and a PA) is justified. He has never admitted it to me, but I can tell from him, whatever happened, he does not feel bad....."well you did it to me" thing......so, why bother? If he thinks I am a fool, think again. You have children together so you need to TRY and forget the past and move on......I do not have any with this man, THANK GOD. It is hard when damage/baggage is carried in the heart and mind. It makes the love you feel for each other much harder to find and share.....just telll him how much you love him and that you really want it to work....AND NEVER bring it up again, that is not an option.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Me and my H live the same way. I cheated on him when we were seperated (NOT MARRIED and he left me) so he thinks what he did (maybe and EA and a PA) is justified. He has never admitted it to me, but I can tell from him, whatever happened, he does not feel bad....."well you did it to me" thing......so, why bother? If he thinks I am a fool, think again. You have children together so you need to TRY and forget the past and move on......I do not have any with this man, THANK GOD. It is hard when damage/baggage is carried in the heart and mind. It makes the love you feel for each other much harder to find and share.....just telll him how much you love him and that you really want it to work....AND NEVER bring it up again, that is not an option. I am trying really really hard to work on my marriage not only for me , but for the sake of our children. You are right once there is damage it's driving me crazy right now beacuase it's a fresh wound to my heart. I have not brought it up though. Every time he goes somewhere I am still wondering is she gonna be there? Even though deep down I know it's over but the thoughts are still in my head. I have never loved any other man the way I love my hubby. We have been together since I was 19 years old, he taught me alot about love and relationships. I do tell him and show him how much I love him , and how bad I want our marriage to work out. Thank you for your advice. I don't have anyone that I know that really understands what we are going through.
Mustang Sally Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 WHY did the cheating occur? To punish the other person for some (real or perceived) misdeed? To validate one's ego (of the cheating partner)? Or was it merely a complete lack of honoring boundaries and repecting the other spouse? What, specifically, caused the straying, in each of the cases? I think getting down to the nitty-gritty of why it happened is necessary before you can figure out if you can get past this pain inflicted upon each other. Meaning, fixing the basic issues behind why the cheating occurred must happen before you (or your H) can decide whether or not you two can ever rebuild a trustworthy relationship. Just my opinion. YMMV.
cj1988 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I have found out some people when faced with cheating before or after marriage do it to get revenge and to make themselves feel better, They do not heal well and carry it around long enough to make them do exactly what they hate, cheat. Then they feel bad BUT still justify it by "well you did it to me" kind of stuff. So, in the middle of all the fighting they never are able to get to the ROOT of the problem that started the cycle in the first place. Cheating at any level is wrong and can never be justified. It takes a special kind of person or people to get throug such betrayal and hurt, some make it some fade away and live UNHAPPILY ever after....still eating a hole in them when they are gone.
raluca Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 eilomma i am in same situation. it seems that i only realize i loove him when i loose him and same in his case. but i have one question. did u have the kids after or before you cheated on him? i am kinda upset as i believe me cheating in the past its gonna prevent me to fall pregnant. it sounds funny but thats what concernse me right now.
Author Elilmomma Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 eilomma i am in same situation. it seems that i only realize i loove him when i loose him and same in his case. but i have one question. did u have the kids after or before you cheated on him? i am kinda upset as i believe me cheating in the past its gonna prevent me to fall pregnant. it sounds funny but thats what concernse me right now. I cheated after our first daughter was born, and I have not cheated since. I thought the same way about having another baby after I cheated I thought GOD was punishing me for what I did. Especially after I suffered 2 miscarriages it was really hard.so just hang in there and it will happen when it's meant to. He cheated while I was pregnant with our first and after we just had our second daughter.
juliegeraci Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Coming from my own experience when the other person is in love with H it makes it harder. Does he love her too? If he is in love with her the first thing that must happen is no contact. You must forgive each other as well and seek marriage counseling. It really helped us to piece things back together. Good luck.
Author Elilmomma Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Coming from my own experience when the other person is in love with H it makes it harder. Does he love her too? If he is in love with her the first thing that must happen is no contact. You must forgive each other as well and seek marriage counseling. It really helped us to piece things back together. Good luck. He says it was just a fling and when I found out I gave him an ultimatum to choose me or her and he said he had already chose me by ending it. It has been over a month and no contact between them so he says it was never serious and that all they did was kiss. I have no other choice but to believe him. I am just trting to move on and forgive now I do love him still with all of my heart. Thank you for your help. and Good Luck to you as well
juliegeraci Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 If it was just a fling you are lucky. 1 month no contact is good. I would just try to move on and love each other. Good luck.
Author Elilmomma Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I am doing my best we have been through too much to give up now. I am sorry that you are in a similiar situation I know it sucks. so I wish you the best
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