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Posted (edited)

..have you had someone tell you that they love you unconditionally for exactly who you are? i mean besides your parents or your best friend. how often have you been with someone who was IN LOVE with you in that way, and told you that? do people say it to you so often that you can just blow it off?

 

the one person who has ever said that to me in my life is my ex-husband/best friend. (my parents? my brother? nuh-uh.) and he is the most special person in my universe, the one person i completely and totally trust to have my back in all situations, the person i know would never leave me. but it meant nothing to joe when i said it, which leads me to believe that he hears it all the time. i mean, is he just so awesome and hot and talented and special that everywhere he goes women say that to him? he told me no one ever had, but at this point i'm fairly positive 99% of what he said to me was a lie.

 

so maybe it's just me, and the fact that i'm not special enough for someone to love me (by which i mean be IN LOVE with me) like that, but he is. so tell me -- do all your lovers say this to you? is this something that other people hear a lot? does it mean anything at all to you if someone says it? if someone has told you that, did you leave them and stop speaking to them and never acknowledge them or any of their achievements again?

 

the only thing i can assume is that this means something coming from other people, but it means nothing coming from me. the two people i've ever said it to in my life are my ex-husband and joe. i wish so much that it could mean something, because it is such a big, rare, special feeling inside me. i still say it to him -- into the air -- every single night before i go to sleep. i hope so much that even though it's just me saying it, he can feel it somehow anyway, and that it comforts him even just a little bit. i want so much to be able to give that to someone. i wish so much he would take it. but i am SO determined to relentlessly keep working on myself until i am good enough that my saying that means something. (hey, a girl can dream, right? :)) i even found a guy who's willing to trade me banjo lessons for custom knitting and sewing!

 

now off to sew a bellydance costume for a show tomorrow night and finish knitting a sweater and watch this indie cinema verite film that's been sitting on top of my TV for a week while i've been busy rehearsing...whew...at least i have something to keep my mind busy for a few hours! i am always thankful for that. huzzah for alpacas and documentary filmmaking.

Edited by sedgwick
Posted

Hey, Sedgwick.

With all kindness and compassion in the Universe...

You know how they say you can't love anyone until you can love yourself? ~~ wouldn't it be the same for unconditional love?

 

You are so hard on yourself, beating yourself up for not being "good enough" and believing that what you say "means nothing" (which I interpret as having no worth or value) -- to me, that just doesn't translate into unconditional self-love.

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say...maybe just wishing you some unconditional self-esteem and feelings of unconditional self-regard. You are who you are, and you are awesome. You are worthy and you have value. And that is enough. It is MORE than enough! :)

  • Author
Posted (edited)

thanks ronni. the thing is that i had a fair amount of self-esteem when i met him. i'd decided that i wouldn't date anyone until i felt okay about myself and did some serious therapy, and i spent a year and a half doing said serious therapy and building up how i felt about myself. but he completely and utterly stripped that down. my life has never been better in terms of accomplishments, but i've probably never felt more worthless. to tell someone you love them that much and then have them say, "sorry, you're not a fiddle player" -- well, that was kind of all it took. i'm just so humiliated and mortified to have let him see me so raw and exposed, to have taken that kind of chance with someone, and to have had it thrown back in my face. i really cannot fathom ever opening up to anyone again. i never want to feel that embarrassed again in my life.

 

incidentally, love the warhol quote. i've probably come pretty close to reading every book about the factory and anyone involved in it that has ever been written. i credit warhol and VU for getting my ass out of the south and to new york city. where do ya think my username came from? :)

Edited by sedgwick
Posted

Sedg,

I don't see you as a victim, so I can't buy "he completely and utterly stripped that down" (i.e., your self-esteem).

I see you as self-responsible, which makes it that YOU allowed him to strip you of your high self-regard. I hear you say that you allowed it because of your unconditional love for him...but that doesn't even make sense to me :o .

 

to tell someone you love them that much and then have them say, "sorry, you're not a fiddle player"
Do you really, truly, honestly believe that's the reason he left? Does it make logical sense to you? In your experience, is that the way a Heart works? Is that what Love does?

 

From the other side: why would he want to hurt you like that? -- because he is a horrible, petty, jealous, insecure and insignificant little man! He did it just because he knew which button to push to gut you at your core. He wanted to do it, IMO, as a result of doing to himself what you are doing to yourself -- comparing self to the other, and ending up waayyyy behind. (He was accurate in his assessment...he isn't worthy of wiping your butt!!!)

 

You offered your love and he totally screwed with it. That makes HIS actions inhumane, not yours. He has proven himself to have been the wrong person in whom to place your love, trust and devotion.

Currently, HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR LOVE, and there is nothing that says you are obligated to continue to offer it to him.

 

And when you do finally give yourself permission to stop loving him, it will not undermine or make meaningless one single thing that you two shared during your 'Season of Sharing'. Your time together will always have exactly the meaning you give it.

 

Can you unconditionally forgive yourself for having placed your love and trust in this horrible, petty, jealous, insecure and insignificant little man??? (I should love for you to "just say yes" :) .)

 

 

PS - I'm not a Warhol fan at all...I just really appreciate the wisdom in the quote ;)

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