hopenfaith Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 My story is quite long and complicated: hope someone can shed some light on this situation cause I'm losing my mind! I met this guy in 2001 while we were still in undergrad. We became best friends real fast. While in school we both dated other people. I knew he liked me from back in 2001 but I really didn't want to date him because I valued our friendship. By the end of senior year we were extremely close--and both single. During this time, he had to decide whether he was going to stay in the area or go back to new york after graduation. Since I decided to stay in the area, he stayed too because we had just started dating and well i can honestly say that he had been in love with me for quite some time. Our relationship started out rocky. Although I have dated other guys I had never really had a boyfriend and didn't really know what a relationship entailed. I asked for an open relationship and he agreed. I dated other ppl but he decided not to. After a couple months I realized I didn't want to be with any one else but him so we made our relationship official. After a month I broke up with him over something really silly. I guess the real reason was because although I knew I cared about him, was in love with him, the time wasn't right.---he travels a lot for work, and I was a post-bac student trying to get into medical school. Either way, we continued to hang out and got even closer. Things happened over the course of a couple months that caused him to lose trust in me--we we not together, but while we were at a party i kissed a mutual friend of ours and he was really hurt. At that point he decided that we should just be friends. I was really hurt by his decision but I respected it because I put myself in that situation. HE mentioned that he thought we shouldn't hang out for a while, I agreed and was MIA for a couple weeks. Since I hung out a lot with with his room mate (we all have been good friends since college), I was still around a lot, but not in my ex's face. Eventually we started hanging out again and during one of our talks he asked me why I hadn't called etc. I was like, "because you wanted space and thought we shouldn't see each other for a while." His response was, "yeah I know but I was looking like for 3 days or something..." Anyway, after that we got back together officially. Things were fine for the most part except I had started to party hard with our mutual friends and would sometimes get real jealous and mean when I'm drunk and lash out at him. He broke things off again, but we still hung out and we ended up back together (summer '07 and broke up in october). Now for what's going on right now: Over the thanksgiving holiday everything just fell a part. i got wasted the night before thanksgiving and decided to stay at his house and not go to the club with everyone. my ex decided he was going to stay with me (even tho i didn't ask him to) but then everyone was giving him a hard time so he decided to go to the club. in privacy before he left, in my drunken state, i said something to him about not cheating on me (i don't know what i said honestly). He apparently got real upset because he is not a cheater but i guess whenever i get drunk thats what i accuse him of doing or wanting to be with someone else (sometimes publicly), and naturally this hurts him. PLUS, as i said earlier, he and i officially broke up in october. Later that weekend there was a lot of tension between us and eventually i left to NYC for the wkend. it was upon my return from new york that i got the ear full about Us not seeing each other for a while. apparently while i was away, several ppl would refer to me as his girlfriend and when he would tell him that we were not together they would sorta of dismiss what he was saying. It got to the point where one night two of our mutual friends called him out about his flirtatious ways with some girl that night and they said some pretty hurtful things to him like, "if you got with her your disgusting" "she's trash, why would you even talk to her' " her phone number better not be in your phone" etc. and to top it all off, all of this was said and done in front of his 16 year old brother. so in the end he was like, ppl have the impression that we are still together (because we did everything together--dinners, movies, i slept over 5 out of 7 days a week etc) and in order to clear that up we can't see each other for a while. he said that the whole situation was making him look like a player or a cheat because if he went out at night he couldn't be himself and do whatever. i personally never put limitations on him, but it seems like the perception of others really affected him. anyway, i agreed with him about not seeing each other for a while but then when he started spelling out things we cant do anymore i got offended. he and I have known each other for 7 years--4 of which we were strictly friends, 3 which we sorta dated. in all 7 years there has never been an instance where we haven't spoken, went to the movies together, have sleepovers--these were all things we did before we started dating--just as friends. so i just didn't know how to respond to he list of actions. in the past when we've broken up and i went on hiatus for a while he would always like he your welcomed to come over etc etc, yeah lets hang out. and when we broke up in october things ended on that same note--we're not together, but we are around each other 24/7. This time around things have been extremely different. After he blew up at me, i pretty much havent been in contact with him. If this is it, then fine, but its like in my gut i know its not but sometimes im not so sure if thats really my sixth sense (which is usually right) or me being in denial. On top of all of this, something that had never really been an issue in our break-ups in the past, i think he is already seeing someone else, which ****ing hurts considering its just been 2 months. i just don't understand boys. i really don't get it. i asked him for closure and he wouldn't give it to me. i asked him to just be honest about how he felt about me so i could move on and he wouldn't do that. now there's this possible girl, whom i really suspect is real but don't know for sure. i know it doesn't really matter if he is dating someone else or not but the whole thing is so mucky. i know that he and i are not at a place where we can be together or be good to one another. that doesn't mean i don't see us working things out in the future. its weird cause as much as he drives me crazy, at the end of the day i know he is the only one i want to be with (and that our problems--my drinking , and his way of communicating) can be resolved if we are both willing to work on it. I love him and don't want to lose him. I honestly think he is still in love with me too, but is fed up with my sh*t. I don't know what advice anyone may have but today is exactly 2 months since we've last spoken (i've gotten a generic holiday card and a "how've you been?" IM from him but it's not the same). I do believe that if this is the man that God has chosen for me then it will work itself out. I'm just worried that my actions may have gotten in the way. Can this relationship be saved?
CalamitousJane Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 If I were him I'd be fed up with your sh*t, so yeah. But if you really mean it, tell him how you feel, apologize for everything you've put him through, and tell him you'd like to take it really slow and see if you could head toward a committed relationship with each other. Tell him you're ready and willing to work on ALL you're problems, especially the drinking and the rages, and that you understand that this is totally your responsibility and has nothing to do with him. Then give him some serious time and space to think about it.
Author hopenfaith Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Thanks so much for your advice. I do admitt that I have a problem expressing myself and often decide to do so after we've all had a few drinks in us, and of course words fly. Pls. believe me, I'm not trying to excuse my actions but I am 23 and still have a lot of learning and growing to do. You're right, he has given me lots of chances, and I took it for granted. This time around I've used our time apart to really reflect on everything (which is something I've done before but we always got back together before I took it all in.) I now realize that the level of uncertainity which was always present in our relationship led to a lot of my insecurites, and I am partly to blame for that. I do love him and know I need to work on myself before I can be that better partner, lover and friend. I guess what i am struggling with right now is: 1) What do I do right now? It's been 2 months, do I contact him? or give more time? 2)I told him how I felt before we parted, but outside of that I think he is taking whatever I say lightly. So how do I show him that I am working on myself when we're not even speaking right now? Esp. since I don't want to push him away any more than I already have. Again, thanks so much for your help. I really appreciate it.
CalamitousJane Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 I think it's good that you took the break - it gives you more credibility when you say you've been working on yourself. Do you have any insight into why you get angry and accusing when you drink? Is it something you saw your parents do? Are you jealous and insecure deep down inside? Maybe you're repressing these feelings by acting super independent and carefree and that's why they come out when you're drunk. Just some ideas. You're the only one who knows the real truth about yourself. Anyway, the more you understand WHY you've done the things you did, and the more you're able to demonstrate how your new awareness is helping you change your behavior, the more I'd be inclined to believe you, if I were him. Good luck with it!
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