How to tell someone you are not "in love" with them

[LegalEyz]

It has been a while since I have posted or even visited this site. But in the past few weeks I have been frequenting this site daily.

 

Not going to go into my whole story, but after 10 years of marriage, I want out. Husband and I finally separated for approximately 5 months which was hard but I grew to love it. He has been going through some fianncial problems and was unable to maintain the home he was renting and was basically going to be homeless. Of course, I took him in because I still love him, but have come to realize I am not IN LOVE with him. It has been a hard few weeks with him back since I am back in the same emotional position I was in before we separated. I don't want him to be homeless but living with him is killing me right now. He is acting as if we are back together and I thought I made it clear that I was helping him out until he got on his feet. He has his family thinking we are back together. I am not much better off financially and can not afford to cover his way much longer. He is going through a real tough time financially and it is causing me to feel trapped into staying with him, not to mention that I don't want to hurt his feelings and he has nowhere to go.

 

I was starting to feel real good after separating. It took me 10 years to actually get there and although I was scared out of my mind, it was very nice. Nobody to answer to, nobody to take care of, nobody to bicker with, nobody to babysit. My H has a drug problem which has caused many many problems in our marriage, not to mention what it had done to my self-esteem. I had allowed it to drain me completely. I started feeling alive again and then boom, all these horrible feelings have returned, the fear of upsetting him or making him feel unloved is crippling me.

 

I know that he has nowhere to go but I feel that he needs to know that we are NOT back together and that I don't feel "in love" with him. I do love him and care for him deeply, but I need to set the boundries but am terrified.

 

Can anyone please help me figure the best way to go about this situation without anyone getting hurt. If that is possible.

 

Thank you all, once again

[Gunny376]

You're going to spell it out like he's a fourth grader! Dude! This is the "reality" of the situation ~ I'm trying to help you out here! But your not listening!

 

 

Its just this plain! Its just this simple!

 

I love you! But I'm not in love with you! Just that plain~! Just that simple! I care about you! But not enough to be married to you for LIFE!

Its time for your Happy @ss to get real, and serious ABOUT your Let Him live his life! And you yours!

 

HIS PROBLEMS? AREN'T YOURS!

[melodicmaybe]

Can he stay with the other family that he's been talking to?

[Ronni_W]

Perhaps you can go the route of, "These past few weeks (however long he's been there) have helped me realize that I haven't changed my mind...the separation is still what I want because I still believe it is best for me."

 

Make it about your needs, dreams and desires, which it really is -- it isn't and doesn't have to be about him being lovable or unlovable. Anyway, you said in your post that he still is lovable to you...I'm guessing now it's just in a platonic, "family member or sibling" way.

 

If he accuses you of being "selfish" or "heartless" or whatever...so what? But you can also remind him that if you were truly selfish/heartless, you would not have opened up your home to him when he was in desperate need.

 

It is time for him to rely on someone else in his support network -- the longer you are there for him, the more dependent he will become on you. And complacent and feeling entitled to being taken care of by you.

 

Separations and divorces hurt both people, albeit sometimes differently or at different stages of the relationship. I'm not sure you can completely avoid that.

[tatiana66]

Spell it out clearly. It will hurt. No getting around that. A clean break always hurts ' then you can make a clean start.

 

Don't know if it is relevant, but... I felt pretty much the same about my ex. Result: we are living together again, after a 5 month separation. I love him, I care about him, but not enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him but I don't want him. And I just can't tell him, I just can't hurt him, I feel "he deserves to be happy" and I somehow feel trapped into "making him happy" because his happiness depends on me.

 

Don't fall in such a trap, LegalEyz. He deserves better than that and so do you. Be honest and clear about your feelings.

 

You're NOT supposed to support and help him. You just separated. You're supposed to be moving away from him, not towards him. I understand how you feel: you have loved and cared for him for so many years, you can't just abandon him when he needs help. BUT this help should NOT come from you. If he has financial problems, let him appeal to his family (you no longer are family to him), to his friends (you can't be a friend for him, at least not yet, not until your separation is final and after a goog long period of time), to anyone but you. You should explain this to him if you feel up to it and ask him to find another place to stay - immediately. If you can't bring yourself to tell him to leave, go yourself and stay at a friend's house until he leaves.

 

Don't give him false hope. And don't permit him to spread false impressions about you and the situation between you.

Edited January 26, 2008 by tatiana66
I forgot to say something important

[JasminT]

Yes, you love him, but he is a grown man! You'd be surprised how well he's able to cope on his own if you ask him to move out again! It sounds like he's playing the sympathy card and winning!

 

Obviously you know where you're going, so get on the road to taking the best care of yourself possible! This site can help you - The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide

[LegalEyz]

Thank you so much for your replies. Tatiana66, how is your situation working for you? And why is he back with you after your separation??

 

As far as him having family, most of his family is in Italy. He has an aunt here that offered her home to him, but if he was to live there he wouldn't be able to pull the s*@( that he pulls with me. It seems every time I try to toughen up, I get this wave of guilt over me because he is so low right now, but at the same time, the love I had for him is turning to resentment, bitterness, even teetering on hate. More damage is being done here and I need to find the courage to let him know how I feel. My heart breaks for him at times.

 

He is getting very comfortable in "MY" space. I am beginning to feel like I am back in his world. We used to own a beautiful big home with rooms to escape to a give space. Now I am in a 1 bedroom apartment with no room to escape.

 

I know I'm simply complaining about a situation that I know what to do, I just can't find it in me to do it. I guess I'm venting since talking to my family and friends will just cause more stress on me because they will just simply say "Kick him out" and I know that isn't something I can do right now. He is out of work, yet he isn't aggressively looking for work and complains all the time about everything. Meanwhile, I get up every day and go to work and pay ALL the bills.

 

Ok .............. enough ........... I feel better now after venting tho.

 

Thanks again for your eyes, ears and words.

[Missy27]

He has an aunt here that offered her home to him, but if he was to live there he wouldn't be able to pull the s*@( that he pulls with me.

 

BINGO !

 

Listen love ~ you're going to have to be cruel to be kind. This guy is sapping the life out of you ~ and it's not his right to do that anymore. You've GOT to toughen up or you're going to find yourself in the same situation in 10 years time.

 

The guys a drug addict ~ drug addicts NEVER really sort themselves out until they hit rock bottom ~ problem is ~ you're providing a safety net for him where so long as he's got you ~ he's never got to hit Rock Bottom and therefore never has to deal with his problems ~

 

You would actually be doing him a FAVOUR by booting him out ~ let him find his own way now ~ hes a big boy afterall ~

Edited January 28, 2008 by Missy27

[Ronni_W]

I get this wave of guilt over me because he is so low right now,

It is "nice" of you to want to offer some help ... but your own psyche needs your love and generosity of spirit, too.

 

Not only "needs" but deserves and is entitled to, as well. It's about first showing LegalEyz kindness and compassion! ... and then, share what is left with people who truly, genuinely support and encourage you in all your dreams and desires.

[LegalEyz]

So last night H and I had a little tiff. He smoked pot regularly and I do not like the smell of it in my house. He doesn't smoke in the house but the smell that follows him in fills the whole one bedroom apartment. I've been telling him if he has to smoke he has to take a walk or something because I do not want the smell in my house (it smells like a skunk throughout the house... disgusting) So he gave me sort of an attitude when I told him again that I do not want that smell in my house and if he doesn't like it he can leave because it is MY HOUSE. I felt like I got a point across which felt good, but moments later the guilt took over. I did not give into it but still felt bad, yet good at the same time.

 

This could be progress. I want him to know where he stands in MY HOME.

[Ronni_W]

I want him to know where he stands in MY HOME.

That's different than wanting him OUT of your home, though -- in a perfect world, what would you really want? I'd keep that as the focus of my thoughts and discussions so as not to go too far into confusion and even more guilt.

[LegalEyz]

Yes. It is definitely different. The only problem is that while we are in the position we are, I want him to understand and RESPECT me and my home. All through our marriage, I did NOT get the respect that I deserved and I refuse to allow that to happen in this situaiton. He is in my home and I want to matter for a change. It actually felt good.

 

I do know what I want. It is for him to leave and me to get on with my life. I'm 39 years old and have wasted too many years with this person waiting for a change.

 

What I am wondering is how the H/W on these boards told their H/W that they were not in love with them. Do they just come home and literally "bamm" let it out? Is it something that is being led up to gradually?? I think my husband still thinks that I'm in love with him and since he is going through all this stuff right now, I hate to be the one to put him over the edge.

 

Thank you again for all you responses. It is definitely helping me work harder on my back bone.

[melodicmaybe]

I think my husband still thinks that I'm in love with him and since he is going through all this stuff right now, I hate to be the one to put him over the edge.

 

You're allowing this to be your responsibility when it's not anymore. And you're doing that because over the years you two have been together, he's conditioned you to do that. This is what junkies do. They are MASTER manipulators. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it's unconscious, but he's spent years training you to feel responsible for him.

 

And it just feels natural. You cared about him, you don't want to hurt him, and you don't want him to be out on the street. But here's the thing, hon -- this is not your child. He's a grown man. And I would bet you a million dollars that he absolutely will not ever leave until you make him. He may get mad and threaten to leave or get depressed and talk about leaving. But by the time he's done b!tching and/or crying about it, he's going to have you so thoroughly guilt tripped that you're going to tell him not to go...

 

I've been there; I've done it; I came home with the stupid souvenir tshirt.

 

I know you don't want to hurt him; but you're allowing him to continue hurting you. You need to just woman up and tell him, "I care about you, but I don't love you anymore. And you have to find some other place to stay." And you're going to have either make him leave right then or set a definite time table. And you're going to have to absolutely stick to it or he's going to try and convince to let him stay for just a little longer for one reason or another.

 

It's not going to be easy. You're going to feel like ***** about it. But you've proven to yourself that you're a strong and capable woman, and you can do this.

 

I found the following post a long time ago. It really helped me, and I hope maybe it'll help you too.

 

"On Letting Go..."

 

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means “I can’t do it for someone else”.

 

To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.

 

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

 

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is NOT in my hands.

 

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

 

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

 

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

 

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

 

To let go is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

 

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

 

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

 

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

 

To let go is not to regret the past, but to live for today with the hopes and dreams of our highest good for our future.

 

To let go is to fear less and love more!

 

She went on in the post to say: Letting go is an important part of the healing, no matter what modality you use. Old thought forms we are no longer needing, old habits, past traumas, relationship hurts, anything that is tying up our energy with not so good/unhealthy connections...

 

...When things come up ready to be healed ... let them go .... gently if possible .... ask for help with that if you need to ... but let them go. Whether it takes an apology, speaking your truth, crying, forgiveness for yourself or others, or whatever it may be, let yourself move through it, learn from it and then set it free.

I wish you all the best, LegalEyz. ^_^