soulseeker Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Need some help/perspective please: My bf made plans with me weeks ago to watch the NHL All Star game this Sunday. He confirmed this twice with me, last time being yesterday. We talk today and he mentions that he might have a hockey game to play in and we might have to record the game and watch it later. I love that he plays hockey and does something just for himself, truly, however, is it too much to ask of him to check his hockey schedule before he makes plans with me? He knows when his games will be through the rest of the season. So I made other plans and when he asks about the game on Sunday this is what I am going to say, casually: "This is how I feel about that. I wanted to watch the game with you and thought we had plans to do that, but then you said you might have a hockey game that day. I'm not going to plan my day around a maybe, so I made other plans." Is that too much? This will be the 3rd time he has flaked out on me or alterd our plans because he got his game schedule mixed up. We dont get to see each other for 8 straight days, every other week. When he is in town he calls me all the time and makes huge efforts to see me, a lot. But I cant stand feeling like I cannot count on him. Thanks
oppath Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 "This is how I feel about that. I wanted to watch the game with you and thought we had plans to do that, but then you said you might have a hockey game that day. I'm not going to plan my day around a maybe, so I made other plans." Well, you should rarely use email to discuss important things, so I would catch him on the phone and say "I understand you had a hockey game come up, but we did have plans. I'm willing to compromise and be flexible, but it's not really fair to me to plan my day around a maybe when I could make other plans, and it's happened a couple times now. I feel like an option when that happens. If things come up, that's cool, but could you make more firm counteroffers instead of a maybe?" At the same time, if you see each other a lot, these things will come up. I do understand being flaked or having your plans canceled. That sucks. But when he is in town, if you are seeing him several times a week, I really believe there are going to be times every other week when one of you has to postpone or cancel because you are busy. when you live full lives, that happens. The best way to compromise is to say "I'm going to be busy with the hockey game at 3, so we'll have to DVR the game. Would it be ok if I came over at 7 after my game and cooked you dinner and we watched it then?" I don't think that is unreasonable. What is unreasonable is saying "I don't know when I'll get to see you. Maybe after." If he can make a firm counter offer, I don't think it's unreasonable for things to come up that will delay your plans with him if you will see each other 3 times a week.
Lucasarts Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Shouldnt be a problem either way for him. It isn't asking too much, and I know that if i made plans with someone then they flake out, its pretty frustrating to find out last minute. Your b/f shouldn't be mad and im sure that even if he doesn't have a hockey game he can find some pals to watch the game with anyways. But yes your feelings should be stated and that even though you may like/love him very much, if he makes plans with you, he should stick with them; otherwise, why wait around? theres plenty of things to do with other people and sitting around waiting on a "maybe" is not something anyone enjoys.
Author soulseeker Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 But yes your feelings should be stated and that even though you may like/love him very much, if he makes plans with you, he should stick with them; otherwise, why wait around? theres plenty of things to do with other people and sitting around waiting on a "maybe" is not something anyone enjoys. "but it's not really fair to me to plan my day around a maybe when I could make other plans, and it's happened a couple times now. I feel like an option when that happens. " This is how I feel. He is an amazing catch, of this I am fairly certain. We see each other probably 5 of the nights he is in town. It's not like I am asking for more of his time, just for him to respect me enough to keep the plans he made with me, or make a really great compromise, like making me dinner afterwards . He didnt do that. Instead, he said he wasnt sure when his game was and that we might have to watch it later. What if when I talk to him later today he tells me that his game is not during the all star game, but after, and yipee, he is free to watch it? I'm not really in the mood to watch it with him anymore. And I dont want to be that girl who is too accomodating because, honestly, I am pissed, and I want him to appreciate me. I really want to stick to my guns on this. Am I right in doing so? Am I being to harsh and unforgiving?
curiousnycgirl Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 You said he's done this to you 3 times before, were they all because he forgot he had a game? Simple answer to me would be to get a copy of his game schedule at the start of the season, so you'll know when they are. My guy is pretty awful at forward planning as well - so I leave his week day planning to him, and generally I keep the evening and weekend calendar - so that he can't do stuff like that to me!
Author soulseeker Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 You said he's done this to you 3 times before, were they all because he forgot he had a game? Simple answer to me would be to get a copy of his game schedule at the start of the season, so you'll know when they are. My guy is pretty awful at forward planning as well - so I leave his week day planning to him, and generally I keep the evening and weekend calendar - so that he can't do stuff like that to me! Yes, every time has been because of a hockey game. We have only been seeing each other for 3 months. I dont know if that matters. I know that I want him to be responsible enough to manage his own schedule. He is 32 years old. I dont want to have to hold his hand on these things. I know people can get caught up in things and forget things, etc. I just want to feel like I am important to him for him to feel bad about doing this to me. I guess on some level I feel rejected when this happens. Am I expecting too much?
oppath Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 But if you see each other 5/7 nights when he is in town, and he has other friends and activities, things are going to come up. If he's giving you a day or two notice that his particular plans need to be moved around a couple hours, I think he is behaving just fine. If you were only seeing each other one or twice a week I'd disagree, but you spend the bulk of your time together when he is in town. Him canceling or changing plans last minute is not acceptable, but I think it is acceptable to call you up a day or two in advance and say "this came up, can we meet at 7pm instead of 4pm?" He may not understand why it's a big deal to you because in his mind, he may be doing nothing wrong. While you shouldn't dismiss your feelings, it's important to express them in a way that validates his life too. If you are spending that much time together, I think you need to expect that 1-5 times you hang out, something comes up that will push it back a couple hours. You should tell him how you feel but I don't see his behavior as flakey if he spends so much time with you. I think it's natural for things to come up, even other plans, and for you two to compromise on your time together. That doesn't mean you aren't a priority, it just means he wants you and other things in his life. Other events and people will come up so if you are seeing each other 4-5 times a week, I think it is unreasonable to expect him to have firm plans that can't possibly be altered. To me, it sounds like he gives you notice when other things pop up, and he is willing to make counter-plans. While he shouldn't cancel committed plans with you, I think it's unrealistic, if you see him that often, for something not to come up once a week, and as long as he isn't canceling an hour before, I don't think it is a big deal.
Author soulseeker Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) Oppath, given what you know now, do you think my original response would still be ok? I'm jsut afraid of him getting the idea of cancelling or changing plans with me is no big deal. It's not a HUGE deal, but I dont want him to think it's no big deal at all. You know? And, I just dont like the feeling I get that it is ok to him that I wait around and see what his plans turn out to be, and then adjust my plans accordingly. Edited January 25, 2008 by soulseeker
oppath Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I do understand how you feel and your message was fine. It's just that within relationships, things happen, things come up. You're only sitting on your hands if you choose to sit on them. Yes, I think you should speak up.
Author soulseeker Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Thanks Oppath. I know what you mean, and I get it. i just want a diplomatic way of expressing myself.
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