Calling it off...

[sandflea]

Ok - I called it off about 3 weeks ago. We'd been seeing each other for a couple of years, and we were engaged for about a year. Both of us recovering from divorce.

 

Of course, we rushed in. I think the thing about being post-divo is - you realize that you CAN and WILL love again, and so you get all excited, you jump for joy - you'll be together forever! (sound familiar?). So, anyway, we buy a home, we start co-mingling all of our posessions. Then, the fights begin.

 

There's something about dating, or being in a relationship after a divo that tends to make you so freakin gun shy. It's really awful. You start to second guess taking chances.

 

We really have (or, had I should say) tons in common. Both runners and geeks with a background in engineering. Seemed like such a promising start. But, now it's over.

 

I'm going through all of the emotions that I had back in my divo. All the bad habits too. Drinking too much, too often. Lack of sleep. Lethargy. No appetite. This sucks.

 

I'd appreciate it if one of you guys could REMIND me that I agonized over this decision for months - and I need to just grow a pair, and accept that this was my decision. And start to move on. I really really don't want to rebound now, but DAMN is it lonely...

 

Peace (looking for, that is...)

 

Sandflea

[sb129]

What were you fighting about? What was it that finally made you call it off? How did she take it? Is there absolutely no chance of a reconciliation? What happened to the house?

 

More info please!

 

You know that since you got through it before, you can do it again right? Probably not much comfort right now, but you know deep down you can survive this.

[sandflea]

Well, we fought a lot about money. But it really could be anything - we're both VERY high strung, professionals - type A's. Neither of us would give an inch - well, technically I guess I'd try, and she'd take the advantage. Our fights devolved into screaming matches - and like 2 or 3 times a week.

 

I've had tumultuous relationships in the past, but there was always an active, rewarding sex life to compensate. Not this time. It was "cold war". I guess I just couldn't see going on in a life like that.

 

House is on the market. I'll give you a 10% discount! LOL!

 

Of course, the real problem is that we're both still living there. We're trying to avoid each other, and we're DESPERATELY trying to remain friends - but once she or I starts dating, the gloves are off.

 

I'm pretty sure it'll be her first, anyway. Man, that's gonna suck.

 

SF

[sb129]

Hmm. I hear the American property market isn't the wisest investment for offshore buyers right now, so I will pass on your kind offer, thanks. Looks like its in a nice part of the world though.

 

Sounds like a classic case of moving in together ruined the R... it does happen, I have been in that situation myself. One of you has to give, but the other one has to see that and be gracious about it.

 

Guess neither of you type As want to be the first to move out, huh.

You both sound as stubborn as mules!

 

You know you will be OK.... it might even be nice to be alone for a little while.

[sandflea]

Hmm. I hear the American property market isn't the wisest investment for offshore buyers right now, so I will pass on your kind offer, thanks. Looks like its in a nice part of the world though.

 

Sounds like a classic case of moving in together ruined the R... it does happen, I have been in that situation myself. One of you has to give, but the other one has to see that and be gracious about it.

 

Guess neither of you type As want to be the first to move out, huh.

You both sound as stubborn as mules!

 

You know you will be OK.... it might even be nice to be alone for a little while.

 

Yes indeed - it absolutely sucks to have to sell in this market. Frankly, I just hope we break even. And, yeah - I think you're right - moving in together was moving too fast, and it added TONS of stress. It's a shame - really, we're both very active people, we're fun to be around, and the house is a gem. Built in 1904 - HW floors, etc. Lovely. It will be a sad day when I move out, but it will also be a huge relief.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

SF

[sb129]

i bought my ex out. Have since sold the house, but it was really nice to be there on my own for a while. I really made it my own. Your house does sound gorgeous- no option for you to do that? You could get a roommate?

[sandflea]

Yeah - I bought my first wife out of my beach house. I'll be moving back there shortly

 

I don't think she can qualify for enough to buy me out, and I can't afford to buy her out without selling my other home. Besides, this place is huge, and the beach house is perfect for a single guy, etc. Still - it's a bit sad.

 

We're working around each other. We've started to see who's friends stay with whom, etc - and the ones that drop off the face of the earth.

 

I'll have to say, it IS lonely. This board is a nice distraction. Gotta stay busy, or my thoughts will drive me nuts.

 

SF

[smileysmile]

sandflea.

Not entirely clued up on your situation.

But you sound like you haven't been together that long.

I rushed in with my STBX.

We had both been in long term R (10 yrs) not married though and then funnily enough both single for 3.5 yrs. Both dated in that time. I was screwed up BIG time because though AGAIN it was me who caused the break up of mine my STBX walked away from hers.

Anyway, we met on a dating site and emailed each other for a week before meeting. When we did it was an instant attraction.

I was living in my ex marital home (because I did marry my 1st ex, long engagement, the last 4 mths before she left me) and my STBX was about to move into a bigger home when we or i suggested her moving in with me and later we could buy our own home. She did this so lost about £1000 because of pulling out and moved in with me only 2 mths having met.

 

My ex brother-in law kept on at me to buy my house so we sold it to him and bought a 4 bed detached, within 4 mths of meeting.

We got engaged a mth later and 13 mths later she was pregnant (we were trying) and 4 mths later we married had a week away in Greece for our honeymoon. 5 mths later she said shes leaving me. 4 mths after she stayed at her parents and now we both live in separate houses 10 mins apart.

 

We had massive arguments and I mean sometimes toxic.

It was mainly down to my insecurities. Stemmed from reading her 3 yr diaries that she kept. I stumbled on them as she stored them in my first house she was staying in. I wish to hell I didn't.

She so wanted US to work. Actually desparate for our R to work.

We had the foundations for a beautiful life together.

But with intolerances to some differences between us etc arguments where we were like 2 storms in a tea cup. One of us trying to get our point across. Blah blah.

I will tell you this though. I need to change big time and she gave me so many chances to see somebody. She don't believe I can change the way I am. Their were a lot of emotional mind games. Unintentional but never the less they were there.

It hurts big time. I so wish we would get back together. I wish I had listened to her to get some help.

If you fancy somebody, love them and have so much in common why the hell do we end up like this? We shouldn't run away and blame each other for our problems. We have to look at ourselves. Make changes otherwise it will go with us to our next R.

I guess we are so proud and stubborn. By the time we realize this it is to late.

I made the excuses that we rushed this. And I think we did. But I don't regret being with her. It is just that we should have had more fun for at least an extra year before our D came along but I guess our age was in the back of our minds for having kids.

It is also tough when all these years we have been a separate identity and now there is 3. You, her and you together another identity.

You both have differences which you both find out when you move in together. Intolerances to petty things. It is all to do with communication and compromising.

I know if I don't learn to tolerate differences then I am doomed to stay single.

[sandflea]

sandflea.

Not entirely clued up on your situation.

But you sound like you haven't been together that long.

I rushed in with my STBX.

We had both been in long term R (10 yrs) not married though and then funnily enough both single for 3.5 yrs. Both dated in that time. I was screwed up BIG time because though AGAIN it was me who caused the break up of mine my STBX walked away from hers.

Anyway, we met on a dating site and emailed each other for a week before meeting. When we did it was an instant attraction.

I was living in my ex marital home (because I did marry my 1st ex, long engagement, the last 4 mths before she left me) and my STBX was about to move into a bigger home when we or i suggested her moving in with me and later we could buy our own home. She did this so lost about £1000 because of pulling out and moved in with me only 2 mths having met.

 

My ex brother-in law kept on at me to buy my house so we sold it to him and bought a 4 bed detached, within 4 mths of meeting.

We got engaged a mth later and 13 mths later she was pregnant (we were trying) and 4 mths later we married had a week away in Greece for our honeymoon. 5 mths later she said shes leaving me. 4 mths after she stayed at her parents and now we both live in separate houses 10 mins apart.

 

We had massive arguments and I mean sometimes toxic.

It was mainly down to my insecurities. Stemmed from reading her 3 yr diaries that she kept. I stumbled on them as she stored them in my first house she was staying in. I wish to hell I didn't.

She so wanted US to work. Actually desparate for our R to work.

We had the foundations for a beautiful life together.

But with intolerances to some differences between us etc arguments where we were like 2 storms in a tea cup. One of us trying to get our point across. Blah blah.

I will tell you this though. I need to change big time and she gave me so many chances to see somebody. She don't believe I can change the way I am. Their were a lot of emotional mind games. Unintentional but never the less they were there.

It hurts big time. I so wish we would get back together. I wish I had listened to her to get some help.

If you fancy somebody, love them and have so much in common why the hell do we end up like this? We shouldn't run away and blame each other for our problems. We have to look at ourselves. Make changes otherwise it will go with us to our next R.

I guess we are so proud and stubborn. By the time we realize this it is to late.

I made the excuses that we rushed this. And I think we did. But I don't regret being with her. It is just that we should have had more fun for at least an extra year before our D came along but I guess our age was in the back of our minds for having kids.

It is also tough when all these years we have been a separate identity and now there is 3. You, her and you together another identity.

You both have differences which you both find out when you move in together. Intolerances to petty things. It is all to do with communication and compromising.

I know if I don't learn to tolerate differences then I am doomed to stay single.

 

I hear ya buddy. When you're in a R with another strong willed person, and when you aren't all that flexible, then - yeah - the fights are bad. J and I fought like children. Petty, loud, screaming and tears. Hate and ugly and mean. We broke up back and forth nearly monthly (we were together 2 years). Many of our issues stemmed from post divorce paranoia, and lack of firm individual foundations. We became co-dependent, and I hated it. She didn't have a good run because she was still mad at me. Stuff like that.

 

I know what you say is true, that we must be open enough to tolerate differences. I think that's key in Rs. Fact is, if your GF does something in public that pi$$es you off, maybe she's rude, or she doesn't introduce you, etc - that's a reflection on her, not you. You might say, "but I'm with her, so when she picks her nose in public, it makes me look bad" (She didn't, but you get my point) - but that's really not how it works.

 

You are individuals

It's OK not to agree all the time - in fact, it's healthy

 

It's wonderful that you are sharing some of your lives together, but that doesn't make you any less you. A huge red flag with me these days is when I meet someone and they try to change me. That's really not fair, and if someone tries to do this to you, or you try to do this to someone, it's very controlling, and a bit creepy.

 

I thought the Four Agreements sums up how things should work very well. Don't take things personally. If you're different - GOOD! And if you both tried, and it didn't work out, c'est la vie.

 

Hang in there big guy. There will ALWAYS be others down the road.

 

SF