outofdarkness Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Yep....it doesn't happen to you...you make it happen..
sarme Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Bottomline, you are going to lose your family if this continues. Actually no he won't. Most BSs don't leave the cheater after they find out. It will change their relationship and things will be very hard and painful that's for sure but he won't lose his family. Let's not kid ourselves now. Especially since he already discribed his W as very passive, she won't leave him. That's why he continues to do this, he knows the bottom line is there is no major risk so he feels he can pull it off if worse comes to worse.
Trimmer Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 IM, just keep in mind, eventually your wife WILL put two and two together. She may be one smart cookie and be on to you now...Never say never. Watch behind your back, she could have a PI tailing you...Or someone you don't know following you, keeping a eye on what you're doing and who you are with. For example, check out BetrayedMM's thread, where he is well aware of his wife's infidelity, but is keeping his cool until he has the one-two knockout punch ready to divorce her and protect their kids. I don't want this thread to morph into a discussion of that particular situation, but you should prepare yourself that there is a wide range of possibilities as to how she will react when she finds out, whether it happens later, or whether something is already in motion now.
sarme Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Sad part is, I have never been as passionate to my wife than I have with OW. Thats the biggest part missing in my marriage that i feel led me to this A. I'm a very sexual being. I've had nyphm girlfriends before I got married and enjoyed them all. My wife is too plain in that departmernt and this girl is the exact opposite. IM can I ask you something, if your wife is unlike any of the women you were used to dating and liked because of their sexual natures, why in the world did you marry your wife?
sarme Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 For example, check out BetrayedMM's thread, where he is well aware of his wife's infidelity, but is keeping his cool until he has the one-two knockout punch ready to divorce her and protect their kids. I don't want this thread to morph into a discussion of that particular situation, but you should prepare yourself that there is a wide range of possibilities as to how she will react when she finds out, whether it happens later, or whether something is already in motion now. It seems to be men tend to leave after infidelity their ego's cannot get over it, women just deal with it. Women seem to be much more insecure in this respect and are too fearful of leaving and starting over.
Author IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 IM can I ask you something, if your wife is unlike any of the women you were used to dating and liked because of their sexual natures, why in the world did you marry your wife? I've always been the type that really loved women. I would look at most of my friends and my wife's friend and picture what sex would be like with them. Not sure if this was normal or not. I'm a very sexual person. I use to work in the airlines where i would have a girl in every city that I visited, that was kind of the norm at the airlines though. When I first met my wife and started hanging out with her i was already seeing another girl and my wife new about this. The sexual chemistry I had with this other girl was amazing. She would always be up for trying new things, very adventurous in that dept. The nights were wild. I juggled a relationship between my wife and this girl (both knowing) for about 2 months. Mind you, the girl that I was seeing was also an unstable girl. Wild at heart, I knew i didn't have much of a future with her, I was just living the moment and it was great. One night my wife (just a friend at the time) told me that it was time i decided between her or the other girl. I knew that I would have a more stable relationship with the wife so I ended the relationship with the other girl. It took a while to fizzle down but it eventually ended completely. The sex with my wife back the was ok, we were new in the relationship so it was cool. It wasn't wild like the other few girls in the past, it just felt like normal sex. We continued to be together for years. It was a casual relationship. We dated for about 5 years before we got married. I had told her that I wouldn't marry prior to 5 years being together. Why did we marry? Was it because she was the love of my life? My soulmate? I can't say I really had those feelings. It was more because it was what was expected. I was getting older, we were both established with good jobs. Our families knew each other, I knew that she would be a great mom, she was intelligent and I knew that I could trust her. I couldn't see myself breaking up with her after 5 years so I took the easy road and married her. We've been married now for almost 11 years. I can't say I've ever had that passion or sexual chemistry with my wife. This is the biggest thing i lack in our marriage. I don't think there's a way to ignite it either. I feel that it starts with a sexual attraction to which I don't have one. You can imagine when OW showed up and she had everything I was missing in my relationship how easy it was to want her. I haven't had these feelings run inside me for over 15 years.
sarme Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) Thanks for the explanation IM that is exactly what I suspected. The thing is that if you had always dated a certain type of woman, your wife was too big of a change and though the novelty must have been good at first to sustain the level of newness in contrast to what you were used to, in the longrun it proved to be too opposite to what you like. Men who date wild women sometimes (women also do this with men) settle down with the sensible types that are complete opposites and think that they are ready for a change of pace only to find out later it was nothing more than an expriment because it is not good enough for them. It's too much of a change from what you were used to. This woman has no edge in comparisson to the types of women you were used to. What you should have done is to find a woman that had a good balance of the two, the sexual chemistry but also the sanity and responsibility to become a good wife. It sounds like you went to the other extreme expecting to make a decent married life with a woman who had all the safe qualities you did not find in the typical women you were used to dating. Your story is somewhat like my b/f's only he never had children and the passion never grew no matter what. This is why he got out. If it's not there to begin with it will never be there. That's the bottom line. His words not mine. Edited January 29, 2008 by sarme
Author IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 If it's not there to begin with it will never be there. That's the bottom line. His words not mine. I agree with this statement 100%. This is something even the best doctor can't fix.
sarme Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I agree with this statement 100%. This is something even the best doctor can't fix. Well if you truly and honestly feel this then why don't you get out of the marriage then? Knowing that you will never have what you yearn to have with your wife, why would you stay with her then? It's amazing how many people who get into marriages for some text book reason will continue to stay so long as they can have something on the side to fulfill their unmet needs, a need that the person in question will never be able to fulfill. I really don't think it's hit home how much pain you will be putting your wife through if she found out about your other woman. Out of decency to her for having your children, for devoting all those years of her life to you and for being your friend and your wife don't you think you owe her a bit of respect and decency? Ok she will never be what you want her to be and that's not her fault or yours for that matter, but she thinks she is good enough for you. I find it's rather cruel that you would feel all these things about her behind her back and that you would lead her on to think things are fine when they are not. JMO. I know you seem to think you are not having an affair but you are in serious denial about your affair because you ARE in an affair, consumated or not it is an affair. My b/f in the early stages would tell me "but you are not the OW because I am 100% with you in heart and mind all the time so that makes you the #1 priority in my life my marriage problems/termination I need to work out which makes things complicated but you are not the OW" and that was complete and utter nonsense. We were having an emotional, and later physical affair, and no matter how you looked at it or how he chose to justify it in his own head. I guess it is typical of some men's guilt to block out the obvious? So please learn to see the signs.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 That was an excellent reply sarme. This sounds like the beginning of something going on. I looked for clues in how you said she's acting with you and I can see that I talked to my wife in a derogatory way too. I am a MM having an A with OW. Keep an eye on her for sure, especially with that past. IM, your words on bligh's thread.
sarme Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 IM, your words on bligh's thread. Thanks Wichway! I was just reading the exact same thing. I suppose IM is slowly coming around, that's good. All the talking here is making him look at the overall picture so that is a positive thing.
Author IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 That was an excellent reply sarme. IM, your words on bligh's thread. Well, you guys keep saying it's an affair so I'm not gonna disagree. I just don't think it's at a level which most Affairs are at.
Trimmer Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) Well, you guys keep saying it's an affair so I'm not gonna disagree. I just don't think it's at a level which most Affairs are at. An affair, and the damage and pain it causes all parties involved, isn't just about a penis inside a vagina. You're splitting hairs and arguing about the level or the degree of the affair. That's just a way of fooling yourself. There isn't a bright line that defines an affair, yet you are using a lot of energy convincing yourself you haven't crossed it yet. To me, it doesn't matter whether you can define yourself as "in" or "not in" an affair; the more instructive information is found in statements like these: I have 2 hours to go and my mind cannot stop racing. This sucks soo bad. OW usually calls around this time and the longer the minutes pass , the tighter the knot in my stomach gets.... I exhausted alot of my time and energy, Iv'e lied, Ive' decieved. Iv'e done bad and theres no turning back.... Boy does she have me in her complete control.... I haven't seen her since Tuesday and it's killing me. It's passed the middle of the day now and i haven't gotten much work done. haven't talked to the OW today... I did go out with the family for a little while but I was in my own little zone just thinking about the OW.... I can't stop wondering what she's doing right now. It's painful. You're well down the slippery slope, and there isn't a signpost that says "once you cross this line you are in an affair." Arguing the semantics of whether or not you are officially "in" the affair is just a convenient distraction from dealing with the real issues. Don't distract yourself with the semantics and wording. As sarme said, look at the overall picture. Edited January 29, 2008 by Trimmer
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Well, you guys keep saying it's an affair so I'm not gonna disagree. I just don't think it's at a level which most Affairs are at. Let me ask you this. Would your wife be pleased with your friendship with the OW? Would she agree with you sneaking off to the OW, meeting her in various places? To know that you spend FAMILY TIME day dreaming about the OW? My guess is no. Your intention of an affair is there, your actions are showing that it IS an affair (hense you freaking out when you don't hear from the OW each day, you PHYSICALLY react to her not calling you back, that is not just a normal friendship, but if you want to pretend it is a normal friendship, go for it, keep on fooling yourself) and you're headed down a dangerous path. IF this woman is just a friend and it's not an affair, why not introduce your wife and children to the OW? Involve her in your life, let your wife and her become friends? Hmmm, thought so.. All the talking here is making him look at the overall picture so that is a positive thing. Yes it is, and I hope he is strong enough to fight off the feelings of lust and desire for the OW. If he can't do that, well, he's gonna end up in Matty's situation, but worse.
torranceshipman Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 This hot (nuts, flaky) girl is making a complete fool out of you, and the worst thing is, this is what you're going to lose your W over? God you'll regret it - you'll look back and your W will seem like the biggest catch in the world when/if you lose her, and suddenly the OW wont look that impressive after all. And some of your comments.....that one about the belt and how she used her initiative to find it but your W wouldnt, and thats a plus in her favor? Maybe your W didnt find your lil old belt buckle, bt she did give birth to and raise your kids and a thousand other pretty cool things. You even like new bands just cause the OW likes them - thats so high school! - she's blatantly lookin for a way into modeling and with a bit of ego stroking she gets contacts, shoots, advice, everything from you for FREE and she doesnt even have to sleep with you! Dude, seriously!
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 One thing many don't think about beforehand..What if there was an accident. IM, do you believe your OW would sit by your bedside, hold your hand, be comforting and supportive? Forget SEX and LUST and PASSION for a second. Aside from those things, would the OW be there for you in every way like your wife is now?
american-woman Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I still believe that my so called Affair is alot different than others. It's been over a week now since I've seen her. No plans when I'll see her again. Yes we have kissed in the past and maybe a little more but it's very casual. When we talk on the phone, it's not about hey, when will I see you next? I love you. I want to be with you. We never talk about that stuff, like it doesn't exist. When we hang around, we act like friends, well,up until the point when we start drinking, then it gets a little more physical but it seems like that has to be part of the mixture to get us going. If I felt like this was a full blown affair then I could see how I should be worried about losing everything. I just don't feel it's gotten to that point and quite frankly don't know if it ever will. My intentions of this thread was to try and realize how deep my feelings were for this girl. Why I was thinking about her non-stop. Was it something in my marriage that was failing that was causing me to feel this way? I think most of the questions have been answered. Now I feel that this is a good place to share what's going on. It sucks being alone in this situation so it's nice to come here and see other in your same situation and hear from others giving great advise. Thats the part of your addiction you think YOUR EA is different from all others, it is`nt. You start off as friends, talk about private things one touch here one touch there. Keep thinking about the OP all the time. You need another fix so you keep seeing the OP and it goes on and on. Its a fog. If it has`nt turned sexual just when do you think it won`t? And it is an affair its an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. They can be the hardest ones to get over and stop. Dont kid yourself.
american-woman Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 http://www.health24.com/sex/Relationships/1253-1259-1261,31572.asp
Author IM5150 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Its been 1 week and 1 day since I've seen the OW. This is the longest we've gone since she's been local and not out of town. I have shown some resistance to her and boy have the tables turning. She is now contacting me way more often than before and is asking "You don't love me anymore?" Last night she wanted me to come play again. She texts me from work. I must be on her mind more than I thought. I told her that I was not going to go see her and that I was staying home. Although it's hard not seeing her for such a stretch I actually feel like I'm in control, well, at least for now.
Owl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Good first step. Your next step would be to tell OW that your relationship with her crossed a line, and that you're going to have to end that relationship...you're a married man, and things went beyond the bounds of normal friendship...even if it was just you that felt that way. Then go complete NC (no contact) with her. Ready for that step yet?
Mustang Sally Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Good first step. Your next step would be to tell OW that your relationship with her crossed a line, and that you're going to have to end that relationship...you're a married man, and things went beyond the bounds of normal friendship...even if it was just you that felt that way. Then go complete NC (no contact) with her. Ready for that step yet? I agree, Owl. Either that, or end it with the wife, so he can be free to continue playing games with this OW. JMO. Good luck with that.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Its been 1 week and 1 day since I've seen the OW. This is the longest we've gone since she's been local and not out of town. I have shown some resistance to her and boy have the tables turning. She is now contacting me way more often than before and is asking "You don't love me anymore?" Last night she wanted me to come play again. She texts me from work. I must be on her mind more than I thought. I told her that I was not going to go see her and that I was staying home. Although it's hard not seeing her for such a stretch I actually feel like I'm in control, well, at least for now. You back off and she comes forward. The cat/mouse game..Thrill of the chase. Her manipulating question "You don't love me anymore?" would have been great if you had said back, "I never loved you to begin with. I like you, but I am not inlove with you" is a nice way of her trying to keep you on your toes and interested. Don't fall for it! You may be on her mind, but it's all selfish and ego related! Same goes for you and why she is on your mind. Stay in control, remember how much you have to lose! If you honestly feel chasing the OW and possibly having some hot sex with her is worth losing your wife and family, losing everything that you've worked for, your whole life as you know it - Then please, go screw the OW and keep on playing this game with her.
Author IM5150 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Ok, so I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere here. I appreciate all the advise that has been given to me but i guess it's not helping. OW asked me to meet her for lunch today and I did. It was a typical friendly lunch. Well, except for the kissing. She also asked me to go see her at work tonight. I asked her to dance to one of my favorite songs, Sanitarium by Metallica. Would i want my family to leave me for a piece of ass? Of course not. Do I think I can have that piece of ass without W ever knowing. YES. Hence why I'm taking the risk. Call me cruel but I don't feel the guilt of what I've done so far. I feel more guilt in lying to W than I do have physical contact with OW. I don't think I'm going to conitnue posting because I'm getting great advise, waisting your energy and nothing is coming out of it. It's not stopping me. I'm sick i the head, I can't help it. Sorry guys.
Owl Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Well, I for one won't give advice to condone cheating on your wife. Good luck.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Good luck with that IM. I told you exactly what OW is doing to you, and how she will discard you when she can step firmly off your back and onto the back of the next guy who will take her further than you did. Its a shame to trade in your family for that. You think you will get away with it, but you won't. Its only a matter of time.
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