sarme Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Sounds like a good assessment of the situation to me, sarme. Thanks MustangSally I see all this concern about whether this woman is using him or not and what about him? He is obviously using her, so let's call it what it is shall we? "Using" might not even be the right word, they are both "benefiting" from this tie. I get the sense that if this woman fell in love with him and just devoted herself to him and became predictable in every way he would run faster than a bullet jetting out of a gun. Her appeal factor would take a nose dive and that would be the end of that. Cheaters who do it for the excitement don't want love they want no strings attached because love takes all the fun out of the experience.
Author IM5150 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 I am like others wondering what is motivating her in that she is not acting like she totally is infatuated with you...like you are with her. She seems to acting as LB thinks she is. She's told me why. She's frustrated. She is torn at the fact that I'm married. It stops her from doing alot more. This is why she is trying to see us as friends and not lovers. I guess it's easier on her to think of it that way. She is not happy with what she's doing. She wants me to fix my marriage (atleast that's what she tells me). She contradicts herself there. She says that yet she allows herself to be very physical with me. I think she's very confused and doesn't want to face reality. She talks about karma and how it will come back to her if we had sex. So all in all, she has these feelings for me, both emotional and physical yet she's always hesitant in acting upon them because I'm' married. It usually takes some drinking for her to open up and forget that I'm married for the moment.
Author IM5150 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 It's a two way street, they both get something out of this relationship that is questionable. So it's pretty obsvious this is not about love. He would not be into her is she were not 25, hot and injecting excitement and into his life and a boost to his ego so why should he expect to get so much from her when he is using her as well? I see them both exactly the same none of them has better intentions on the other. I think you nailed it here.
Owl Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 So... What...EXACTLY...do you want? Continue the affair? End the affair and fix your marriage? End the marriage and keep the relationship with OW? I see lots and lots of posts...what I'm not sure I've seen is you make a choice, and say that THIS (whatever that is) is what I'm going to do.
Author IM5150 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 So... What...EXACTLY...do you want? Continue the affair? End the affair and fix your marriage? End the marriage and keep the relationship with OW? I see lots and lots of posts...what I'm not sure I've seen is you make a choice, and say that THIS (whatever that is) is what I'm going to do. There's no full blown affair here so there's really not much to end unless I wanted NC which I don't. It's not like we're secretly going away to a hiding place and having wild sex. This is very casual I think. Yes I do think about her non-stop but that's my fault. What will I do now. Let it ride.
Owl Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Are you cheating on your wife? Are you emotionally OR physically investing in OW what should be going to your wife? If you're having sex outside of the marriage...if you're telling someone other than your spouse that you love them... ...its a full blown affair. I don't care if its 'purely PA'...or 'purely EA'...its infidelity. Its cheating. Its an affair. No such thing as a "sorta pregnancy" either. So your current goal is to "let it ride". What advice or support do you need from LS to let that happen then? I could give you advice on ending the marriage, or I could give you advice on ending the affair. What do you expect from the other posters here on the "let it ride" methodology? What are you looking for here on LS?
JamesM Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) There's no full blown affair here so there's really not much to end unless I wanted NC which I don't. It's not like we're secretly going away to a hiding place and having wild sex. This is very casual I think. Yes I do think about her non-stop but that's my fault. What will I do now. Let it ride. The fact that you think about her non-stop is your fault, yes, but it is also a sign that you are obsessed with her...hence in need of NC or the possibility of problems. The thing is....if you wonder how far you have gone, then ask yourself..."How would my wife respond if I told her all that is going on? The answer will say to you that there IS something that needs to be ended. When you can sit back and think of her as simply another woman who you photographed, then you can say that she is just a friend. But as long as you think of her every waking hour, then you have potential to ruin your life. If you let it ride, you may be surprised that it will be a roller coaster ride...not a relaxing Sunday drive. Or for that matter, it may simply be a train crash. Edited January 28, 2008 by JamesM
feelingtorn Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I can see how some people may feel about IM's situation and his indecision manner toward A, but please know that it's not easy to be in his spot. If it were so easy, he wouldn't be wasting his time on LS. The fact that he is posting on LS and questioning his behavior tells me that he is a decent person. Reading his posts makes me think that nothing can stop him from wanting to pursue further physically with OW. He is addicted to OW and wants his fix. What he needs is a major event that jerks him out of his confused mode and gets him back on his track. His wife finding out his A can be a good example. I just hope that IM is ready to face the worse consequence for his action. Munching on sweets at night is fun, and nobody likes to think about how much weight they are going to gain.
Author IM5150 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 I still believe that my so called Affair is alot different than others. It's been over a week now since I've seen her. No plans when I'll see her again. Yes we have kissed in the past and maybe a little more but it's very casual. When we talk on the phone, it's not about hey, when will I see you next? I love you. I want to be with you. We never talk about that stuff, like it doesn't exist. When we hang around, we act like friends, well,up until the point when we start drinking, then it gets a little more physical but it seems like that has to be part of the mixture to get us going. If I felt like this was a full blown affair then I could see how I should be worried about losing everything. I just don't feel it's gotten to that point and quite frankly don't know if it ever will. My intentions of this thread was to try and realize how deep my feelings were for this girl. Why I was thinking about her non-stop. Was it something in my marriage that was failing that was causing me to feel this way? I think most of the questions have been answered. Now I feel that this is a good place to share what's going on. It sucks being alone in this situation so it's nice to come here and see other in your same situation and hear from others giving great advise.
Owl Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 OK...well...regardless of whether or not YOU think its a full-blown affair... Its an infatuation at least. Even regardless of that...you know that since you're married...ITS WRONG!!!! That's what you're struggling with. You're wanting to do something very badly...but you know darn well that its WRONG for you to do so. You've decided that you're 'just going to let it ride'. That means you're going to allow it to continue, and not tell your wife or take steps to work on your marriage. I can't help you with that. If you decide that you want to do something to change your situation, PM me and I'll come back to your thread if you like. Otherwise, good luck.
sarme Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 She's told me why. She's frustrated. She is torn at the fact that I'm married. It stops her from doing alot more. This is why she is trying to see us as friends and not lovers. I guess it's easier on her to think of it that way. She is not happy with what she's doing. She wants me to fix my marriage (atleast that's what she tells me). She contradicts herself there. She says that yet she allows herself to be very physical with me. I think she's very confused and doesn't want to face reality. She talks about karma and how it will come back to her if we had sex. So all in all, she has these feelings for me, both emotional and physical yet she's always hesitant in acting upon them because I'm' married. It usually takes some drinking for her to open up and forget that I'm married for the moment. That's easy, she doesn't want to get hurt and she is not 100% comfortable with what she is doing so by keeping her emotions out of it she thinks she is protecting herself. I was an OW I know this all too well. I know everyone here is going to jump on board with you to paint her as a conniving man eater who will step on as many heads possible to get ahead in life, and that might be what she is about who knows, but I see something else. I see a girl that is scared to get in too deep who is confused because she has already gotten in too deep, so her games are a way to keep some control.
Author IM5150 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 That's easy, she doesn't want to get hurt and she is not 100% comfortable with what she is doing so by keeping her emotions out of it she thinks she is protecting herself. I was an OW I know this all too well. I know everyone here is going to jump on board with you to paint her as a conniving man eater who will step on as many heads possible to get ahead in life, and that might be what she is about who knows, but I see something else. I see a girl that is scared to get in too deep who is confused because she has already gotten in too deep, so her games are a way to keep some control. Good stuff. You seem to know your **** very well.
Owl Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Good stuff. You seem to know your **** very well. While I do agree that Sarme generally has some good advice, I think the reason you feel this way is because she's telling you what you want to hear more than anything else.
sarme Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I am not giving advice, I am simply sharing what I see given what he tells us and my own experiences. Maybe that's why he is willing to hear me out.
sally4sara Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 That's easy, she doesn't want to get hurt and she is not 100% comfortable with what she is doing so by keeping her emotions out of it she thinks she is protecting herself. I was an OW I know this all too well. I know everyone here is going to jump on board with you to paint her as a conniving man eater who will step on as many heads possible to get ahead in life, and that might be what she is about who knows, but I see something else. I see a girl that is scared to get in too deep who is confused because she has already gotten in too deep, so her games are a way to keep some control. I see a girl from a background I am very familiar with. Come on IM! You think her not going to work and losing a nights earnings means she cares. When I worked that job, we had our nights off and half of those nights off where off but on call because the girls were notorious for call off at the last minute. If I had plans on one of my on call nights, at least half the time I ended up working instead of doing what I had planned. Money was like water! If you spent it all, you'd make more soon enough. Especially if some married chump was on their hook, and even more so for you if you are helping her get into modeling. And what better way to get your services for free that to act all "oh, I'm so scared you're going to hurt me cuz you're married!" That is just the perfect way to make you hold off on demanding the sex payment for your help. She probably doesn't even WANT to sleep with you and will only do it if it came down to getting what she is after in the first place. I challenge you. I already believe you won't stop this till you've tasted the goods, so I am giving you a challenge. If there is ANYTHING you are suppose to be doing for her that would normally cost her money, put it off. Stall like you've never stalled before. If there are negatives she needs from you don't give them. If there is a portfolio she needs finished, forget all about it. Give her nothing of monetary worth. Everytime she brings it up, bring up how much you'd love (fill in sex act here). I guarantee she isn't going to touch your "zoom lens" unless she absolutely has to.
justice Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I'll have to disagree with you that she doesn't give a crap about me. She actually does care about me and she's said it time and time again. What is going on here is her drinking and instability. She did not show up because it was partly out of her control. She was in another city "celebrating" her new move with her future roomate. She got drunk and doesn't have a car so I'm guessing that there was no reliable transportation if the others were drinking too. It's not that she didn't want to see me but she just gets caught up in all these weird situations where one thing leads to another. She's very unpredictable. It's not a result of her not giving a crap about me. Thanks for the advise of going back to my marriage and telling my wife and going NC. I've heard it a million times already and it hasn't helped yet. I don't feel that this is a full fledge affair like James says. He's right. It's not. I won't be telling my wife about this. have I cheated, yes. I'm I having a passionate love affair with another woman, NO.[/quot I'm sorry you aren't liking the advice that you are getting here. It is truly your own mistake to make. But make no bones about it, it may not be physical yet, but it is without a doubt an affair. Ok, so maybe she does give a crap about you, maybe that's why she wanted to meet and then canceled on you. Drinking is not and I repeat, NOT an excuse. Neither is being unpredictable and not having transport. Why arrange a meeting if you can't get there? That's the way I saw it anyhow. Maybe nothing's helping because you are refusing to see the truth in the situation. And if you read my reply you would have seen that I advised that if you didn't feel you could go ahead and make amends in your marriage, you should separate until you could get your head on straighter. When you are married to one person, and having more than fond feelings for another person, and arranging to meet that person and lying about it to your marriage partner, yes, it is definately an affair, like it or not. I truly hope you see your way into making this situation you have going on in your life clear for all. Not just you and the one you are sneaking around to see, but also for your wife who is the one you promised to be faithful to for the rest of your lives. I'm sorry for you. Best of luck.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 While I do agree that Sarme generally has some good advice, I think the reason you feel this way is because she's telling you what you want to hear more than anything else. I agree. He didn't come here for advice, nor did he ask for help on how to get out or end the A. He was looking for voices who are in similar situations to talk about feelings. Instead, he got lots of wonderful advice, but it's fallen on deaf ears as now I DO realize he isn't looking to get out, or end it. He has no intention of talking to wife, focussing on making the marriage better or being romantic, loving with his wife, let alone BE involved with his family. I give him less than a month before "it" (it meaning sex) happens and the affair becomes more and more. He is addicted to the OW and since she is keeping him on his toes, that just makes him more interested and wanting her more. IM, just keep in mind, eventually your wife WILL put two and two together. She may be one smart cookie and be on to you now...Never say never. Watch behind your back, she could have a PI tailing you...Or someone you don't know following you, keeping a eye on what you're doing and who you are with.
OpenBook Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Is anybody wondering the same thing I am about this woman... that she may actually be a MAN? (Chicks with D*cks) and that's why she hasn't slept with him?
JamesM Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Is anybody wondering the same thing I am about this woman... that she may actually be a MAN? (Chicks with D*cks) and that's why she hasn't slept with him? Actually, I hadn't thought of it, but thanks for the laugh. From his first post regarding picture taking, I am guessing that she is a she.
Author IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Is anybody wondering the same thing I am about this woman... that she may actually be a MAN? (Chicks with D*cks) and that's why she hasn't slept with him? Haha, that's good one. Nothing down there, trust me.
Author IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Tonight the OW has asked me to meet her for some drinks and I said NO. I'm turning the tables on her for a little while and she's starting to feel it. She's been texting me quite a bit. Asking me again a couple of hours later, "What are you doing? I really don't want this to be an EA. I'm trying my best for it not to be. Do I care if she has feelings for me, not really although she says she does. I think we're playing a game with each other, it's childish in my mind but she's the dealer I guess.
BetrayedMM Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I really don't want this to be an EA. Yes, technically it is a PA that has not been consummated yet. But, it is an EA because you are in all kinds of turmoil. You are in denial.
JamesM Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 IMO, you have NOT crossed the line yet. My fear is that the more it sounds like "well, you already are in an affair, you cheater," you may figure that you may as well go all the way. You have not crossed the line completely. You can stop now. But to keep the analogy, you are teetering on the edge of a great precipice. One wrong thought or move can bring about your fall.
justice Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 She's told me why. She's frustrated. She is torn at the fact that I'm married. It stops her from doing alot more. This is why she is trying to see us as friends and not lovers. I guess it's easier on her to think of it that way. She is not happy with what she's doing. She wants me to fix my marriage (atleast that's what she tells me). She contradicts herself there. She says that yet she allows herself to be very physical with me. I think she's very confused and doesn't want to face reality. She talks about karma and how it will come back to her if we had sex. So all in all, she has these feelings for me, both emotional and physical yet she's always hesitant in acting upon them because I'm' married. It usually takes some drinking for her to open up and forget that I'm married for the moment. If this is her thinking, then why not challenge her and actually try working on your marriage and leave her totally alone for awhile? The way you put it, it sounds like she has a serious problem with you being married and with drinking. Bottomline, you are going to lose your family if this continues.
justice Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I appreciate these words and it does make some sense. I will not forget the other night and it will actually help me in the near future should I decide to call this thing quits. Quite honestly I do. It's unfortunate that I landed into an affair and more unfortunate that it had to be this OW. Or heck, maybe not. Maybe in the next week or two she'll piss me off to the point where I'll tell her to **** off. You don't "just land" in an affair, you make the choice.
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