BetrayedMM Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Just this once I'm gonna hold back the temptation to flame the buhjeezus out of a cheater, because the question is worthy of discussion. What you are feeling is human nature. We are wired to feel that way. Here's why- evolution. The instinct is to spread your genes as far and wide as possible, yet prevent others from spreading their genes to the partners you choose. Those who are most successful at this (in the animal world) have the most offspring. Make sense now? Rise, my fellow apeman, walk erect. You are capable of moving beyond base instinct!
BetrayedMM Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 My wife is boring. The way you describe her, I'd find her extremely interesting. Watch out, I may not be the only one.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Oh brooother I can't believe you had to sift through two pages of people doing EXACTLY what you asked them not to do and you have to defend your stance and talk of anything BUT what you had asked. So I guess the only advice anyone should give is handholding and telling him to go for it, enjoy the affair while it lasts? Many people have given him wonderful advice and I hope he atleast thinks about what's been said.. Iv'e only been in a couple of situations where i haven't talked to my wife in a few days. It did not bother me. Outside of the bedroom the relationship is good. It just lacks excitment. If i had the choice to go out to a bar with my friends or my wife, i would choose my friends. My wife is boring. You are emotionally attached to the OW, more so than your own wife. So, what are YOU doing to put the excitement back into your marriage? Have you actually sat down and told your wife that you 1)are bored and 2)find her boring? Have you wooed your own wife recently? You can't continue to have your cake and eat it too. Make a choice, either talk to your wife honestly, lay everything on the table. Including your affair..Let HER decide if she wants to stay married to you, give you another chance. OR, end it, divorce and go be with your exciting OW.
Mustang Sally Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I try Sallly, believe me. I try not calling her but she always ends up calling me, and when she does, I cave. I must be dealing with some low self-esteem. I can't kick my chin up and say I'm too good for this girl. Wish I could cause that might help. I would say that you are on to something with the esteem issue. Is there any way that you can explore that further? Like with a personal counselor? I don't throw that out there lightly...believe me. I have my own issues with throwing counseling at every problem that plagues the average Joe (or Jane, as the case may be). But esteem issues are pretty hard (from my own personal experience) to work through alone. It's too, well, too close to the core of a person for most to make a lot of headway with that without some (professional?) guidance. JMO. YMMV, of course. It's hard. I know what you are going through, in my own way. It's like expecting the crack-addicted rat in the lab cage to suddenly realize that the hit he gets when he pushes the button is going to eventually overcome and kill him. He isn't capable of this because the euphoria is too powerful. I feel for you. I would say it will definitely take some time to completely heal yourself and get over what you have going on with this OW. (And this doesn't even touch on all of the repercussions that you may or may not face from your family/wife...) But if you really do have the resolve to do it, it CAN be done. Don't give her (meaning OW) the power over you to make you feel helpless and as if you have no choice in this matter. That's like handing her your balls on a silver platter. Know what I mean? You might as well get a tattoo on your forehead that says, "Nut-less and proud of it." She may be a wonderful woman and all...but she doesn't deserve ownership of your dignity. Be YOUR OWN man. Make decisions for your life based on what YOU want and what YOU feel is right and just. You can do it! I'm rooting for you!
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 What you are feeling is human nature. And the other thing is, noone's life is happy and exciting all the time. Every relationship, marriage has it's ups and downs, and that includes times when life IS boring and repetitive in a marriage. The key though is, not to let those times make you doubt your own marriage, doubt yourself, let alone go running off with someone else so they can supply you fun and excitement. If you're really bored, try skydiving, or bungee jumping. Get your rush that way.. Sorry if some of my replies are harsh, I just would hate to see you throw away a pretty good marriage for some hot tail. Sadly though, it may come to that, your wife finding out and she throwing you out of the house...you may have to FEEL those consquences until you wake up and realize what you've done has ruined your life, your marriage and your family unit as one.
sarme Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 So I guess the only advice anyone should give is handholding and telling him to go for it, enjoy the affair while it lasts? Many people have given him wonderful advice and I hope he atleast thinks about what's been said.. Guess you failed to see this in the opening post, as many who are only here to push their judgement and to make their venitng heard often do: If you’ve been cheated on, you might not want to read this any further. I’m not asking for advise on getting out of this affair of mine. I’m reaching out to those that are currently in a A and wanting to know there feelings
cj1988 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Iv'e only been in a couple of situations where i haven't talked to my wife in a few days. It did not bother me. Outside of the bedroom the relationship is good. It just lacks excitment. If i had the choice to go out to a bar with my friends or my wife, i would choose my friends. My wife is boring. YOU do not deserve the priviledge of being married, your wife should be a priority, NOT a freakin option. I hope you get what you deserve "the freakin bar fly" sounds like more your speed.....sorry but I cannot shut up any longer !
sandflea Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 And the other thing is, noone's life is happy and exciting all the time. Every relationship, marriage has it's ups and downs, and that includes times when life IS boring and repetitive in a marriage. The key though is, not to let those times make you doubt your own marriage, doubt yourself, let alone go running off with someone else so they can supply you fun and excitement. If you're really bored, try skydiving, or bungee jumping. Get your rush that way.. Sorry if some of my replies are harsh, I just would hate to see you throw away a pretty good marriage for some hot tail. Sadly though, it may come to that, your wife finding out and she throwing you out of the house...you may have to FEEL those consquences until you wake up and realize what you've done has ruined your life, your marriage and your family unit as one. This is 100% on the money. We all get bored, or "in a rut" - the issue is, how do you deal with it. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to run out and shack up with someone else. It won't last, because it's based on a deceit. That's why it's fun, and exciting, and sexy - it's taboo. As soon as the hot OW becomes the regular squeeze, I'll bet she turns into a wall flower...
mattym Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 This is 100% on the money. We all get bored, or "in a rut" - the issue is, how do you deal with it. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to run out and shack up with someone else. It won't last, because it's based on a deceit. That's why it's fun, and exciting, and sexy - it's taboo. As soon as the hot OW becomes the regular squeeze, I'll bet she turns into a wall flower... Thank you for the earlier link, sandflea - this part really resonated with me: "Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better." To the OP, I've been and am still in ( although working my way out of) where you are. I know how you feel, like this woman is the reason to get up in the morning. I had exactly the same thing, but there was a good reason all my friends and everyone here on LS told me it was doomed - because they were right Nice people don't do what you and I did, and nice people don't have willingly collude with married people to have affairs. It's a deception, and that's no foundation for a happy relationship Don't do what i did and push it too far so that your Wife finds out. Your problems will only be multiplied. I wish you luck. You are not alone if that's any consolation Matt
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Guess you failed to see this in the opening post, as many who are only here to push their judgement and to make their venitng heard often do: If you could open your mind and actually see the good advice given, you'll actually notice that most are trying to get him to save his marriage, not ruin it. Sure, there are afew judgemental posts, but that happens everywhere in life, not only online, but IRL too. This guy seems like he can handle it though.
smartgirl Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 The essences of your original question, if I understand correctly, was "are these feelings what others in an affair feel." I would have to say, for the most part, yes. I'm sure other posters have told you already that you are currently in a chemically altered state that is just like a person who is addicted to a drug. You want it when you don't have it, you spend more and more time thinking about getting it, you take bigger and bigger risks to get it, you put aside things you cared about previously in order to think about it and get it, you feel "good" when you have it and miserable when you don't, the other parts of your life begin to seem annoying when they keep you from thinking about it or getting it, you begin to worry more and more that you won't be able to get it. My H described all this and more about his year long A. I have seen it described in the same way by countless cheaters. Eventually, something will cause this to all blow up. The OW will tire of being your side thing, your wife will find out, you will be exposed in some other way, you will eventually tire of her, you may even decide to leave your wife for her. In ANY of these scenarios, the intense feelings you are having right now will fade and die. They might be replaced by real love, hate or indifference -- but this rush you have now will die. It has to or the human race would stop getting any work done. If you decide you want to stop this, though I didn't see in early indications that's what you want, you have to stop like it is a drug and go cold turkey-no contact. You won't believe that. Most of the MM in this forum don't and they keep trying to balance both women. My H did the same. All it does is drag out the pain and increase the liklihood that one of the women involved will get so pissed they will really mess you up bad. Pick your poison. There are no easy solutions from this point on.
sarme Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 If you could open your mind and actually see the good advice given, you'll actually notice that most are trying to get him to save his marriage, not ruin it. Sure, there are afew judgemental posts, but that happens everywhere in life, not only online, but IRL too. This guy seems like he can handle it though. Hun I could open my mind but my mind's openess is irrelevant. The guy who posted this thread said he is NOT looking for advice, so if you could open YOUR mind you would refrain from doing what you want to do and actually comply with this guy's wishes instead. But we all know for some of you it is just impossible not to preach. Personally speaking, if I would have "opened my mind" to some of the unsolicited garbage people fed me when I first came here, I would not have ended up with the love of my life. But the situation in this thread is completely different to mine so all I can do is share my experience and let the OP see if my experience is worthy to him or not, that's what he is asking for that is what he will get to me that is respecting his wishes. Rather than trying to psychoanlayse to death a situation and people I pretend to know am really clueless about. But heck that's just me. SMARTGIRL Excellent post!
Author IM5150 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Yes, Smartgirl, that was a good post. It's passed the middle of the day now and i haven't gotten much work done. haven't talked to the OW today as she typically wakes in another hour or so afer which I'll expect the phone to ring and I do my daily walk outside the building to talk. We don't usually talk about much as we both don't like talking on the phone. I guess it's just a comfort feeling that I need to know everything is still OK.
sarme Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 The essences of your original question, if I understand correctly, was "are these feelings what others in an affair feel." I would have to say, for the most part, yes. I'm sure other posters have told you already that you are currently in a chemically altered state that is just like a person who is addicted to a drug. You want it when you don't have it, you spend more and more time thinking about getting it, you take bigger and bigger risks to get it, you put aside things you cared about previously in order to think about it and get it, you feel "good" when you have it and miserable when you don't, the other parts of your life begin to seem annoying when they keep you from thinking about it or getting it, you begin to worry more and more that you won't be able to get it. My H described all this and more about his year long A. I have seen it described in the same way by countless cheaters. Eventually, something will cause this to all blow up. The OW will tire of being your side thing, your wife will find out, you will be exposed in some other way, you will eventually tire of her, you may even decide to leave your wife for her. In ANY of these scenarios, the intense feelings you are having right now will fade and die. They might be replaced by real love, hate or indifference -- but this rush you have now will die. It has to or the human race would stop getting any work done. If you decide you want to stop this, though I didn't see in early indications that's what you want, you have to stop like it is a drug and go cold turkey-no contact. You won't believe that. Most of the MM in this forum don't and they keep trying to balance both women. My H did the same. All it does is drag out the pain and increase the liklihood that one of the women involved will get so pissed they will really mess you up bad. Pick your poison. There are no easy solutions from this point on. Excellent post Smargirl. That's true the OW will tire of being the OW and things will blow up. I will comment on the bolded part from my experience and that is that for us it has gotten more intense, because all the carziness of not knowing when he will leave his W and him not knowing if I will leave him for another single guy are now gone so we can really focus on each other and on what we feel and it is a lot healthier and very exciting! The bottom line is we have a lot of fun together and our fun was being stunted because we could not advance due to our fears, him of losing me and me of him going back to his W. So in some cases it turns into something better/healthier, we both hated sneaking around and having limited time together all we wanted was to spend every waking moment together because we had so much fun, and now we can live that out properly! We are still in each other's every waking thought and in between work and posting here I email with him LOL and when he is away on business we cannot wait to talk to each other and he will tap in with me at least 3 or 4 times a day so the craziness of the uncertainty is gone but the passion and eagerness to be together is definitely still there and we are not sneaking around or anything of the sort. This feels SO MUCH BETTER for both of us it's like a weight was lifted. Of course in time it dies down a bit every relationship does but we are a very playful couple and genuinely enjoy each other's company. Curious IM151: were you always bored with your W? or are you just in a rut?
Author IM5150 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Excellent post Smargirl. That's true the OW will tire of being the OW and things will blow up. I will comment on the bolded part from my experience and that is that for us it has gotten more intense, because all the carziness of not knowing when he will leave his W and him not knowing if I will leave him for another single guy are now gone so we can really focus on each other and on what we feel and it is a lot healthier and very exciting! The bottom line is we have a lot of fun together and our fun was being stunted because we could not advance due to our fears, him of losing me and me of him going back to his W. So in some cases it turns into something better/healthier, we both hated sneaking around and having limited time together all we wanted was to spend every waking moment together because we had so much fun, and now we can live that out properly! We are still in each other's every waking thought and in between work and posting here I email with him LOL and when he is away on business we cannot wait to talk to each other and he will tap in with me at least 3 or 4 times a day so the craziness of the uncertainty is gone but the passion and eagerness to be together is definitely still there and we are not sneaking around or anything of the sort. This feels SO MUCH BETTER for both of us it's like a weight was lifted. Of course in time it dies down a bit every relationship does but we are a very playful couple and genuinely enjoy each other's company. Curious IM151: were you always bored with your W? or are you just in a rut? there have always been some qualities in my wife that i didn't really care for and have confronted her on. I like my women to be more aggresive than my. I'm a pretty laid back kinda guy. My wife is shy, doesn't speak her mind most of the time and never whips me into shape. An example would be buying cookies from a person cause she can't say NO. Or getting something she didn't order and instead of confronting the waiter she'll try it and says she likes it. Iv'e told her many times to speak up and I've actually gotten upset about it. So in contrast when i see a girl like OW step to the plate at all times I find it very atracting. For example, last weekend we went to LA for a show. When we went through the metal detector I left my belt buckle in the bucket. After a few minutes my pants seemed loose and I looked down and no belt buckle. I went to the security counter and asked the man if he had seen a belt buckle, he looked around a bit and said no. We left. I told OW, this sucks, that was a cool buckle. A few minutes went by and she took the initiative to go back to the counter and talk to a few people there. Lo and behold, someone approached her and gave her the buckle. The security guard looks at me and says, you owe that girl a big hug. I just smiled. You see, OW stood up where my wife would never have gotten into that siutation. I do all the talking.
Author IM5150 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Let me add that none of this never really prompted me to go fool around. Everything was fine. The OW came to me, i quickly learned what i was capable of once this situation presented itself. Call me the unfortunate MM that was caught off guard and swalloed up by a hot blonde model that's 10 years younger than me. Everywhere we go she turns heads and that just adds to the ego I guess. Feels good. Make sit that much harder to let go.
jj2007 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I will repeat: If you haven't already, you may want to start posting in the OW/OM forum. You should get the help you need over there. Asking people that have been cheated on to not read your thread is kind of silly since this is the infidelity forum and you will find a lot of people who have been cheated on here. If the OP is looking for how people feel when they are in an affair he would get more responses that he would like in the OW/OM forum. He is not going to get what he wants from the infidelity forum. I also think he is getting good advice but he won't take it.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Make sit that much harder to let go. By the sounds of this statement, it seems like you are going to end the affair? The bottomline is, if you feel you DO love this woman and want a relationship with her, you need to end your marriage. You and your wife can still co-parent together and share custody. Continuing the affair and living a double life will catch up to you one day.
sarme Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 yup reminds me totally of my b/f's ex, she is not shy but simply antisocial, hated going to events and being around people and he had to do all the entertaining and talking etc. He and I are complete social butterflies we talk through our elbows LOL and love being out, or entertaining friends. Here's one for you, whenever they would have other couples come over to have a dinner parties if they ended up playing a game or something she would become super comptetive and take the fun right out of the game being super strict and totalitarian about it. WTF it's just Pictionary lady!! One time they were away at the cottage and playing backgammon with her grandmother who was visiting here from abroad and it appeared that she got a point that was sort of "iffy" if you know what I mean...and so he let it go and she totally flipped out and gave her granny the third degree about playing by the book and not cutting corners and wanting to win fair and square and all this crap, anyway she ended up getting upset because the points were off. LOL the woman was 83 yrs old and was to die in a few years let her win a game of BG even if it is not 100% on point GEES! What a sour puss that chick was!! He was worried what type of mother she would be some day with that kind of uptight inflexible attitude. If your wife was so opposite to what you like, what are the qualities you did like about your W that made you fall in love with her. I'm totally curious about your belt now, I bet it was cool! LOL
sarme Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I also think he is getting good advice but he won't take it. That's because he already said he is not looking for advice, why would he take it!?!?!
Owl Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Good point, Sarme. In the light of what you mention, here's what I suggest for the original poster: Just a few things to think about... 1. This forum is predominately visited by people who were the betrayed parties in an affair. 2. Given that, the majority of the responders are NOT going to 'know how it feels to be in an affair'. 3. In fact, the majority of the responders will more likely respond with recommendations to fix your marriage, rather than carrying on the affair. 4. Given what most of the responders here have gone through, you're also likely to get a much more emotional response than you anticipated. 5. To sum it up, I'd suggest that to get what you're asking for, your best bet is to find a board that SUPPORTS infidelity/cheating/affairs...do a search with the words "TOW" and affair, and I'm sure you'll find some. 6. You might also try posting on the OW/OM section on this board, but you need to understand that even that site is often visited by "BS's" (betrayed spouses) like myself that are likely to give you the same advice that you've received here. 7. I'm not trying to "run you off"...I'm trying to give you the best means to get what you're asking for.
jj2007 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 That's because he already said he is not looking for advice, why would he take it!?!?! no, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. like I said he would get what he wants from the OW/OM forum.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Yes, and some OW/OM (not ALL, I said SOME) will give their side of things, just like a BS does here...And, some will encourage him to leave his wife, or fix his marriage (just like in this section), not to continue the A, hurting two women, let alone, hurting himself. Until HE makes up his mind who he wants, his life will be in limbo for a while and the affair will continue on like it is now. Double life...And, because he's out with his OW so much in public, sooner or later his wife will find out or someone she's close to will tell her they saw her husband out with another woman.
Author IM5150 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 yup reminds me totally of my b/f's ex, she is not shy but simply antisocial, hated going to events and being around people and he had to do all the entertaining and talking etc. He and I are complete social butterflies we talk through our elbows LOL and love being out, or entertaining friends. Here's one for you, whenever they would have other couples come over to have a dinner parties if they ended up playing a game or something she would become super comptetive and take the fun right out of the game being super strict and totalitarian about it. WTF it's just Pictionary lady!! One time they were away at the cottage and playing backgammon with her grandmother who was visiting here from abroad and it appeared that she got a point that was sort of "iffy" if you know what I mean...and so he let it go and she totally flipped out and gave her granny the third degree about playing by the book and not cutting corners and wanting to win fair and square and all this crap, anyway she ended up getting upset because the points were off. LOL the woman was 83 yrs old and was to die in a few years let her win a game of BG even if it is not 100% on point GEES! What a sour puss that chick was!! He was worried what type of mother she would be some day with that kind of uptight inflexible attitude. If your wife was so opposite to what you like, what are the qualities you did like about your W that made you fall in love with her. I'm totally curious about your belt now, I bet it was cool! LOL My belt buckle was the bomb. It's a silver skull and crossbones. We like to dress somewhat similar, the OW got me into listening to screaming bands like Atreyu. It plays in my car all the time and now I have my kids singing it. It gives my wife a headache. Why did I fall in love with my wife? I'm still trying to figure that out if in fact it was really love. I think I settled into marriage becaise that's what was expected of our family and she seemed like the perfect wife. I never had the "hots" for her. That's one thing I wish I could have had. A girl that I was physically atracted to from the begining. I think if I had that, i wouldn;t look at other girls but maybe I'm wrong. With the OW, I don't even thik or look at opther girls. Even girls that are 10x hotter than her, i don't even care about.
Author IM5150 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Yes, and some OW/OM (not ALL, I said SOME) will give their side of things, just like a BS does here...And, some will encourage him to leave his wife, or fix his marriage (just like in this section), not to continue the A, hurting two women, let alone, hurting himself. Until HE makes up his mind who he wants, his life will be in limbo for a while and the affair will continue on like it is now. Double life...And, because he's out with his OW so much in public, sooner or later his wife will find out or someone she's close to will tell her they saw her husband out with another woman. YES, this is by biggest fear. OW lives with a roomate that does not allow males in the house. Makes it hard for us so we are always out somewhere. Mostly bars.
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