evoLve Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Hey yall. Ive been around for a while trying to find words of wisdom in other peoples stories, but now I feel like I have to vent a bit myself. Basically I was going out with my ex for 2 years when she broke up with me. Its been 5 months now, and we havent gone a day without speaking to eachother since. In the past 5 months shes gone out with and broke up with one other kid (who she still wants to be with in the future), been 'seeing' (sleeping with) a guy from school and just yesterday started officially being the girlfriend of this guy shes been dating for maybe 2 weeks or so, the guy of who lives in a rehab center for abusing drugs and I think alcohol, go figure... What sucks is if it wasn't for me telling her she should talk to him at a mutual friends birthday party cause he was really upset, they wouldn't be going out right now, UGH! Anyway, she used to go on telling me that im still right for her, that she still wants to be with me, that well be together in the future, that she has so much hope. But recently (week ago?) out of nowhere she gave me this whole speech about how she KNOWS theres no way im right for her, she could never be with me, she cant stand my personality, and would never have kids with me because they wont have my parents as grandparents cause neither of us can stand them. (I dont believe this though only because she has said it and other things before and is SO indecisive. She does not KNOW what she wants. And its funny cause she still wants to live with me, as of now) She says she doesnt want to subject her kids to having no grandparents yet she has this deal with one of her closest friends that shell have his kid if he dies, cause it makes so much more sense to have no father than no grandparents on one side of the family. Since she has said that, my world just ceased to exist. Like I said, parents are nuts so I never had a real family, never had good friends cause I changed schools 100 too many times, and before her I was clinically depressed on anti-depressants with suicidal tendancies punching holes in walls every other day. She was the one who got all of that out of my life and got the rage in me to subside, not to mention got me to go to college. Shes been the closest thing ive had to family in my life, no less the only thing thats ever made me close to happy or felt like home. I just feel so disconnected from her now, like I dont know her anymore, and shes all ive really ever known. Its like ive lost everything ive had, and everything I was looking forward to. And she wont even give me a reason of why she broke up with me. Theres always a different answer, but never a difinitive 'you did this' or 'I cant stand this'. She only tells me she 'cant stand my personality' which cant be true or else we wouldn't still hang out all the time and she wouldn't want to live with me. The only thing that makes sense is how she dislikes wanting to have kids when my parents wont be around much if at all. We've always agreed on everything, shes like the female version of me, we saw eye to eye on every aspect of life and its what we both needed. The only reason I think we broke up was that she got bored of me, maybe the relationship lost its new car smell and turned old. We had already planned life together and maybe the fact that there were no more surprises for her scared her (not that it wasn't her fault, she always planned her whole life out). Or maybe its because I used to be kind of controlling and off the wall, and she was trying to get me more level headed for so long, and when she finally got everything she wanted out of me she got bored. Its also possible that I hurt her so many times she couldnt take it any more, but its hard not to hurt the person you love when they wont tell you what youre doing wrong (she only ever told me what to change after breaking up with me). Maybe its a combination of all of them. The only thing I know is that she wont give me a reason, and any reason I give her isnt right because ive never been able to understand any of this in her eyes. I know ive done things to hurt her in the past (not that she hasn't done worse to me, she has, but regardless..) but its when I was finally starting to improve that she leaves and im left wondering what it was that she really wanted. Im here now wondering if ill ever be able to hold her again, look in to her eyes and tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her, and be able to hear I love you back. The love I have for her is unconditional (silly maybe) which is why I cant let go. She knows (she better know) im always there for her, even if its at 4 AM the night before my mid-terms, or even in the mid-term. Id rather fail my class than know I wasn't there for her when she really needed me because I sincerely do care for her. The things that make us most happy in life like her to me are what matter the most, not fancy cars (not that they're not nice), not even my class. I want her to be happy, thats what I told her, thats why I told her I hope shes happy with this new guy, which I do. I heard her hanging out with him over the phone yesterday and she hasn't sounded that happy since before we broke up and it made me happy. I know I probably sound nuts but I dont feel crazy. I dont feel infatuated with her, I just want to be with her like I was when we were both happy with eachother, and I think the problem is that I stopped feeling greatful while we were still together which is why the relationship fell apart. But im not with her, and it hurts a lot. I just want to know if someday ill be able to hold her again, and love those kids we wanted, and move to North Carolina like we planned, and see her succeed in her career. I want to share everything with her because I love and adore her so much. I look up to her and shes always been so strong, and been there when I needed her. Where did that girl go? Sorry, I know this is kind of long but I feel so empty and I needed to get it out somehow. You guys are always so helpful and supportive, not to mention honest which is great. Ive just been looking for glimpses of hope. I even watched that movie 'The Secret' twice to see if it would help (I never believed in it before). They say it helps heal relationships in miracle sized proportions, so what the heck I figure. But thanks for taking the time to read this, anything anybody has to say is welcomed as it would be really nice to hear someones take on this right now. The only things I know in life are that nothing is written in stone, and you cant fail if you never give up. I just hope im not mistaken.
MattyTee Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Hey there Evolve I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time, I do know how you feel I wanted to say a few things. Firstly, I think it is good that you can be happy for her even if she isn't with you. I know that isn't easy and I also know that a part of you will resent that. Remember that you need to look after yourself too though, don't sacrifice yourself for her in the hope that she will appreciate what you are doing. Love is quite an incredible thing, and you mention unconditional love. Well Evolve, whatever happens in your life and between you and your ex try and remember that in every way that matters (really, in the end) you haven't lost anything. Sure, things have changed. Sure, you may not be together now ... maybe not even in the future (these are all things you will need to accept). But perhaps your dance with her was just for a little while, perhaps you have learnt from each other and perhaps now you are destined to move away. I guess what I'm saying, in a crap way cos it's late, is that if you just let that love stay within your heart and try and avoid listening to the head too much, you'll be okay. Remember, we can't change what has happened, we can't take the future for granted. We can however accept what has happened and be happy with what we have. Nothing is set in stone and hope is always there (even when we lose it, perhaps it won't lose us). Remember though, hope is a strange thing - sometimes hope knows better than we do what should be coming to us. Try and learn from each step you take and let your life journey unfold before you. Don't be afraid to feel everything you feel ... but try not to judge it I wish you all the best and I'm sorry for my confusing rant at 4.30am here
CalamitousJane Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 if you just let that love stay within your heart and try and avoid listening to the head too much, you'll be okay. Remember, we can't change what has happened, we can't take the future for granted. We can however accept what has happened and be happy with what we have.... Nothing is set in stone and hope is always there (even when we lose it, perhaps it won't lose us). Remember though, hope is a strange thing - sometimes hope knows better than we do what should be coming to us. Try and learn from each step you take and let your life journey unfold before you. Don't be afraid to feel everything you feel ... but try not to judge it MattyTee, That's beautiful. You give me great comfort right now, without even meaning to! evoLve, I know you're going to be alright, in the long run Your writing and thinking is clear and heartfelt. It may be quite a journey for you, but I have faith that you'll take a quantum leap toward love, far beyond what your parents were able to do. And then you'll pass this knowledge to your children. Just like your nick says!
Author evoLve Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Dont worry Matty, you werent confusing. I know your right and im sad to think that maybe it was only temporary. Maybe we wont be together again but even she has told me that ive not lost her as a close friend, so I guess I really haven't lost whats important. I know though that it is best to leave things up to fate, and hope. Trust me I was losing hope on everything but I had such a great day with her yesterday and that showed me that I was wrong to think that she was slipping away, at least right now. So I think that hope doesn't necessarily give up. You are right, part of me doesn't like the part that is happy for her, but I guess thats just something I cant help. Jane, that is exactly what im looking forward to. I want to be able to do better than they did, and I want to be a good father to my future kids. I want to be able to share everything ive been through with them so they'll learn from me, especially this. Im just waiting on the day that I can continue to go out with other people without feeling guilty, it'll come, I guess... Thank you both for that. As much as im trying not to feel heartbroken and to most of the people around me im doing a pretty good job, it hurts badly and what you've told me makes me feel better re-enforcing the fact that I have good to look forward to. Maybe with her, maybe without her, but she'll always be there.
MattyTee Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Dont worry Matty, you werent confusing. I know your right and im sad to think that maybe it was only temporary. Maybe we wont be together again but even she has told me that ive not lost her as a close friend, so I guess I really haven't lost whats important. I know though that it is best to leave things up to fate, and hope. Trust me I was losing hope on everything but I had such a great day with her yesterday and that showed me that I was wrong to think that she was slipping away, at least right now. So I think that hope doesn't necessarily give up. You are right, part of me doesn't like the part that is happy for her, but I guess thats just something I cant help. Jane, that is exactly what im looking forward to. I want to be able to do better than they did, and I want to be a good father to my future kids. I want to be able to share everything ive been through with them so they'll learn from me, especially this. Im just waiting on the day that I can continue to go out with other people without feeling guilty, it'll come, I guess... Thank you both for that. As much as im trying not to feel heartbroken and to most of the people around me im doing a pretty good job, it hurts badly and what you've told me makes me feel better re-enforcing the fact that I have good to look forward to. Maybe with her, maybe without her, but she'll always be there. I'm glad I didn't confuse you too much I think the important thing is to take this part of your life as a journey that may be alone. Being alone isn't something to be afraid of, even though it feels that way. A lot of people are afraid of that, I was. It might help to wonder why... I would say that you needn't try to not feel anything. Just feel it. Screw other people if they can't deal with how you feel Seriously. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, it really isn't important. I also wouldn't focus right now on going out with other people. The guilt comes because you're still strongly attached to your ex and hoping that things will work out. The guilt, in a sense, is a manifestation ... because the truth is you aren't together. If you meet someone you like and it feels right, perhaps take a few moments to take a look at that guilt and see where it comes from. Try and find acceptance of what happens, whether it's expected or not. When I talk of not losing anything important I mean it a bit deeper than that, even when we are apart from someone we love there is still a connection, we still share things - just not in the way we are used to. Try not to attach to being her friend with the hope that things will change. It might work ... it might ... but be very aware of dragging yourself through a pile of emotional pain in the meantime. If things really could work out again, they will ... without you sacrificing yourself. And Jane ... that's what LS is for.
sedgwick Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 SHE didn't change your destructive behavior. YOU changed it because you loved her. You can maintain that change by loving yourself. Don't sell yourself short. You have the power to create a life worth living whether you're with her or not!
Author evoLve Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) Sorry for my inability to access the internet for the past 2 days. I guess I am scared of being alone. But not so much that, im more afraid of not having someone by my side who would always be there for me. Someone who would encourage me to do my best and be there either way. Someone to take care of me when im sick and support me when im down, etc etc... I guess there are other people in the world who could do that, but shes the best I know, and thats so hard to be without. I like the idea of still having a connection with her though. Its comforting knowing that even if she says its not right, I still have a strong feeling that there is a deeper connection between us. Those long hugs and the fact that shell talk to me for minutes at a time even in front of her boyfriend make it seem like she really does still care. I know she does, but it feels good when she shows it like that. The guilt isn't only because I feel guilty going out with someone else, I kind of also feel guilty putting someone else first. Or, silly as it is, being afraid that the one time I go out with someone else she might need me. I know I shouldn't feel that way and im not hers to be needed at a moments notice and that it was her decision, but ive always told her that id be there whenever she needed me no matter what and its almost like id be putting someone else before her, even though she may not necessarily have any rights over me. I just have this fear of diverting my attention to someone else; wrong but what am I to do. And yeah, I guess I did change on my own. And im not going back into the person I was before in an agressive sense, but the depression has sure kicked in, the history of it plus one of anxiety doesnt help. It comes and goes, randomly. Every now and then throughout the day when im in a good mood I think I focus too much on how good it feels and lose it. I was actually in a good enough mood today to tell her to say happy birthday to her boyfriend for me, its today. I never thought id say it, but I was trying not to seem hateful toward him. Not that I hate him, but UGH... Anyway, I just got home from work. It was weird driving past her neighborhood (on the way home) because shes at her house with her new boyfriend. It felt funny because its the first time hes ever been there, its actually the first time shes trusted anyone with coming over in the past 2 1/2 - 3 years other than me. Its like I kind of felt good knowing that as long as she was at home (which she is a lot), I was kind of the only one who could be there, ya know. And now its not necessarily true, and I kind of feel just that much more distant. One more thing ive got to put behind me I guess... Thank you guys for your continued support. And thanks Matty for telling me I should be able to feel however I feel. I know that I feel pretty silly sometimes feeling the way I do most of the time, and my friends dont understand why I do it, but I guess its really hard to break away from, especially when you care so much. Edited January 31, 2008 by evoLve
fabulousgal Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 yes it is hard, and you feel anything you need to right now. you pulled yourself together, she was just A cheerleader. You will have many more in your life, but the most important one is you . she isn't very nice to say all those things to you about your parents being grandparents and your personality bothers her. who is she? all she needs to say is, I don't think we are compatible anymore and don't see anything in the future. what a b*. and you can see she has very good choice by her rehab bf (not). maybe she is addicted to "project" relationships where the boy is in rehab or depressed or has issues...and likes the drama. just a guess but you deserve better.
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