Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 At least she's honest .. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/f … ge_id=1879 Sorry, but marriage and sex DON'T go together By SADIE NICHOLAS - More by this author » Last updated at 01:03am on 25th January 2008 Comments Carrie Jones hasn't had sex with her husband Hal, a City banker, for the past four years. Nor does she want to. Sex is something she can no longer summon the effort to endure - with the man she married, at least. She admits she stays in her sexless relationship for the sake of her children, aged nine and 11, and will remain celibate until the day they are grown up and she feels able to leave. At which point, she confesses, she will probably abandon her husband and begin a sexual odyssey to find the satisfaction that eludes her. An unusual case? A sorry lack of libido? She insists not. "If I thought I was unique in my sexual disappointment I'd probably be suicidal," muses Carrie, 45, a publishing executive, who lives in North London with Hal and their children. "I remember the first time my girlfriends and I admitted that we all felt the same about married sex as parents: we couldn't be bothered with it and felt guilty for not wanting to sleep with our husbands. It was a revelation. I remember thinking: 'Thank God! It's not just me!' .. [click the link to get more]
Storyrider Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Thanks for posting this. It was a very interesting read. (What an unflattering picture. Do you think they were trying to make her look dowdy and sour, or is that just the reality?) She does seem to be reporting a reality for both men and women, based on what we see in posts on LS. I don't agree with her statement that she can expect her husband to stay and be faithful when she won't have sex. He shouldn't put up with it. He is wimping out. Maybe if he were more firm, she would be more attracted to him? I do agree with what she said about marriage and family life being virtually incompatible with passion.
Trialbyfire Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Grrrr...the justifications people will go through to not take the burden of their responsibilities for settling. She chose the nurturing provider and friend, instead of waiting and looking for someone who she was physically compatible with, as well as the rest. Her husband sounds like a great guy but man, what an idiot not to put her in her place, after her EA. Also, it's totally unrealistic to expect that the thrill of the chase will continue throughout the entire marriage. I think this woman has read too many romance novels.
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) So what do you think this guy should do now? What would be LS's advice for this man? Should he: 1) Divorce and see the kids sporadically? 2) Work on his marriage? (if so then how?) 3) Wait out the ten years like her and live a life of celibacy? <grabbing a box of popcorn> Edited January 25, 2008 by Scrivdog
Mustang Sally Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I think he should divorce her and push for joint custody. I mean, is it that difficult for a man to get joint custody in this day and age? I don't know, but I would think not. I definitely don't think they should remain married. I have to say, on another front. I can understand some of her feelings about not enjoying sex with her H. You can skewer me all you want, but it's just my reality. I am not withholding from him, however - I don't think that would be right. If I get to the point where I expect either one of us to be celibate...then I will file for divorce.
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 ... I can understand some of her feelings about not enjoying sex with her H ... So do you think you have your H fooled about that?
Zolie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 <<"For the few months that Mark and I flirted online, I had two existences: one where I cooked and cleaned and went frigidly to bed at night. And another where I had butterflies in my stomach and stole off to write sexy, flirty emails and text messages to a man I hadn't seen for more than 20 years.">> This statement from the author made me cringe, because I automatically heard the voices of countless marriage counselors saying "She should flirt like that with her husband and rekindle that amazing passion with him, instead of with old lovers. Send him sexy little emails and notes. Buy him little presents; tell him how handsome he looks." Etc, ad nauseam... The thing is, that would only be putting a band-aide on this fatally wounded marriage. If it worked at all - which is doubtful, since it would be forced - it might perk things up for a bit, but life would once again intervene and the excitement would once again fade. Neither of these people should have to be celibate for children's sake. If staying together for the kids is more important than their own sexuality, then they should either live with that, as it sounds like they have, or they should both find lovers, in order to continue to maintain the familial home. I realize his celibacy is not of his own doing, but is forced upon him by her choice. But if he chooses to not address it with her, and/or not accept her choice and find another lover, then he is in effect choosing celibacy. The problem with finding a lover and maintaining the family, is that it looks good on paper. But history proves the reality is someone WILL get hurt. One or both of the lovers could fall in love, messing up a good ol' sex relationship. Or one of the BSs could find out, causing all kinds of hurt, recriminations, and guilt. The kids could find out, causing more of the same. It's not quite as easy as it looks on paper. IMO, this is an age old problem, to which there is absolutely no solution. None. <shrug>
Mustang Sally Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 So do you think you have your H fooled about that? If you've read any of my past threads about my marriage, you will know that my H pretty much knows my thoughts about the whole deal. I don't want to clutter up your thread (or be accused of going off topic...) any further, but if you want more details about why my situation is the way it is and what I have and am doing about it, feel free to PM me.
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I happen to agree with you. The husband's choices are severely limited and none are all that great. I think getting a mistress on the side is the best thing he can do - but that opens the door to all sorts of recriminations should his wife found out. I guarantee that she won't see her sexlessness as a reason - especially since if she reads LS she'll get the "There is no acceptable reason to cheat" line from the ladies here. <<"For the few months that Mark and I flirted online, I had two existences: one where I cooked and cleaned and went frigidly to bed at night. And another where I had butterflies in my stomach and stole off to write sexy, flirty emails and text messages to a man I hadn't seen for more than 20 years.">> This statement from the author made me cringe, because I automatically heard the voices of countless marriage counselors saying "She should flirt like that with her husband and rekindle that amazing passion with him, instead of with old lovers. Send him sexy little emails and notes. Buy him little presents; tell him how handsome he looks." Etc, ad nauseam... The thing is, that would only be putting a band-aide on this fatally wounded marriage. If it worked at all - which is doubtful, since it would be forced - it might perk things up for a bit, but life would once again intervene and the excitement would once again fade. Neither of these people should have to be celibate for children's sake. If staying together for the kids is more important than their own sexuality, then they should either live with that, as it sounds like they have, or they should both find lovers, in order to continue to maintain the familial home. I realize his celibacy is not of his own doing, but is forced upon him by her choice. But if he chooses to not address it with her, and/or not accept her choice and find another lover, then he is in effect choosing celibacy. The problem with finding a lover and maintaining the family, is that it looks good on paper. But history proves the reality is someone WILL get hurt. One or both of the lovers could fall in love, messing up a good ol' sex relationship. Or one of the BSs could find out, causing all kinds of hurt, recriminations, and guilt. The kids could find out, causing more of the same. It's not quite as easy as it looks on paper. IMO, this is an age old problem, to which there is absolutely no solution. None. <shrug>
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 If you've read any of my past threads about my marriage, you will know that my H pretty much knows my thoughts about the whole deal. I don't want to clutter up your thread (or be accused of going off topic...) any further, but if you want more details about why my situation is the way it is and what I have and am doing about it, feel free to PM me. No, no - you should discuss it here! It's definitely relevant and on-topic. Thanks for the PM offer - but I don't want to be the only one who benefits from hearing your POV ..
Kasan Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I happen to agree with you. The husband's choices are severely limited and none are all that great. I think once the book comes out and the television tours kick into full gear, the husband is going to make his decision whether or not he is willing to settle for this type of marriage. Won't even go there about a mistress on the side.
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 .. Won't even go there about a mistress on the side. You little pansy
Mustang Sally Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Yeah, well, that and you don't have your PMs turned on...I tried to PM you. I don't think my POV is anything that I haven't stated elsewhere on LS. If you have specific questions for me, feel free to let me know.
Kasan Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 You little pansy You made me laugh out loud!!!! I really needed that.
Zolie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I will concede, however, that in this woman's case, she might be inclined to re-ignite things with her husband, if good, orgasmic sex was part of the picture. But, it sounds like her husband is not a good lover, by her definition of a good lover. Clearly, she does not have orgasms with him. And the truth of the matter - listen up all you men out there - is that women rarely enjoy sex if we aren't able to have orgasms. And any woman who says she does, is fooling herself. IMO, of course. I would rather have no sex, than to have bad sex that does nothing to rev up my engines - or worse to have semi-good sex that revs me up, only to have my engines die before the finish line. It is very unpleasant to always be *almost* satisfied. I would rather not leave the starting point.
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Of course she didn't orgasm with the 23 other guys she was with either. I'd think maybe the next guy is going to have to tie a 2x4 to his ass so he doesn't fall in. I will concede, however, that in this woman's case, she might be inclined to re-ignite things with her husband, if good, orgasmic sex was part of the picture. But, it sounds like her husband is not a good lover, by her definition of a good lover. Clearly, she does not have orgasms with him. And the truth of the matter - listen up all you men out there - is that women rarely enjoy sex if we aren't able to have orgasms. And any woman who says she does, is fooling herself. IMO, of course. I would rather have no sex, than to have bad sex that does nothing to rev up my engines - or worse to have semi-good sex that revs me up, only to have my engines die before the finish line. It is very unpleasant to always be *almost* satisfied. I would rather not leave the starting point.
Kasan Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Okay, I will go there--Scrivdog, I know your situation, and I know what you are trying to do. Your lifestyle is not something that I would like, and if I found out my husband had a mistress, his butt would be at the curb faster than you could say ....... But I digress.....
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Okay, I will go there--Scrivdog, I know your situation, and I know what you are trying to do. Your lifestyle is not something that I would like, and if I found out my husband had a mistress, his butt would be at the curb faster than you could say ....... But I digress..... Ok - but would you still be so self-righteous if you had declined sex with your husband for years like the fatty in the article did?
Mustang Sally Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Ok. Who's the pansy now? Are you afraid to have a PM conversation with me?
Zolie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 ROFL! So, if a man has 23 lovers, does that mean his penis becomes thinner and thinner with "wear"? ;-)
Kasan Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Ok - but would you still be so self-righteous if you had declined sex with your husband for years like the fatty in the article did? I'm not being self righteous Scrivdog--you are living your life that works for you, your lifestyle wouldn't work for me. I think the lack of sex in a marriage is a huge issue, and I will admit when the kids were younger, my husband came last, somewhat similar to your situation. Did my husband get sex as much as he wanted? No, it wasn't intentional, I wasn't being cruel, I wasn't angry with him, it was what it was. But kids do grow up, life gets easier, and you reconnect again. He elected to not go outside of the marriage and separate when the kids left, like you are planning to do. I guess Scrivdog, this was his for "better or worse". I think that he would have "manned up" and divorced me, before entering another relationship. (even if he was taken to the cleaners) I guess I feel sorry for you Scrivdog--you have confessed to loving your wife, and this must be very painful for you. It's just coming from my perspective.
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Ok. Who's the pansy now? Are you afraid to have a PM conversation with me? Ok - I enabled it
Cobra_X30 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 At least she's honest .. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/f … ge_id=1879 Sorry, but marriage and sex DON'T go together By SADIE NICHOLAS - More by this author » Scriv, your wife better be a lot better looking than that! I wouldn't touch that thing with your ahem.... hand! It's one thing to be unnattractive on the outside... she's fugly on the inside too. So, why wasn't this type of thing a problem 100 years ago?
Author Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Scriv, your wife better be a lot better looking than that! I wouldn't touch that thing with your ahem.... hand! It's one thing to be unnattractive on the outside... she's fugly on the inside too. So, why wasn't this type of thing a problem 100 years ago? It wasn't?
Zolie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I'm fairly new here, so I don't know anyone's situations or reasons for doing what they do, but I gather from reading the exchange between you and Kasan, Scrivdog, that you are in a sexless marriage, and are either currently engaging in an affair, or are planning to. All I can say to that is that I completely understand because I was in a virtually sexless marriage for most of 25 years. While that may sound extreme, it is very close to accurate. Obviously we had some sex (we have two children) but it was *never, ever* at a quantity that I preferred. The first 5 years, in my 20s, included sex once a week, if I was lucky. I preferred every night at that point. The next 10 years I was lucky if he was interested once a month. And the last 10 years I could count on ONE hand how often we had sex. No amount of begging for answers or marriage counseling would fix it. His pat answer was "Everything is alright." Yeah... So, yep, you bet, I finally had an affair after 25 years of that kind of marriage. The last 5 were completely celibate, and I finally sought a lover. At the time I was not able to leave the marriage for many very valid reasons, but I had definitely already left it emotionally. So my solutiuon was to have an affair. And, then 3 years later I was finally able to leave. It was the best decision I ever made. The affair didn't survive my divorce (do they ever?) but I am still more than happy to be single and celibate, than married and celibate. I hope this does not constitute going off-topic from the main gist of the thread. I just wanted to let you know, Scrivdog, that I truly understand and support your stance.
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