Sand&Water Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 RE: What I am about to say will not sound great, Starlite. But, given you have already gotten yourself into this mud pile, here is my insight. The fact that he spilled out feelings and background about his ex-girlfriend, with or without you asking, is not surprising. Because: (1) He preplanned the whole scene about letting it out. (2) He thought about the consequences. He knew it had to be done. He knew he'd either do it now, or later, didn't matter to him. (3) He is using you, anything that could come out of this relationship, to come to a conclusion about everything -where he wants to be, and what he wants out of women. Most importantly: You, and you alone, can't do anything to cause a change in how he feels about his ex-girlfriend. This is about him. Not you. There is only one way: That is, IF you end up being a rare catch, and create a whole new perspective for him to believe in. This only happens once in a blue moon. I don't think, from the way you two have interacted, you have been lucky enough to bring about this effect. So, he is taking advantage of everything. He is, simply put, comparing you to his ex-girlfriend. Sand&Water
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 It sounds like he's being honest about his feelings but it also seems like kind of a disclaimer on the off chance he gets back together with his ex. Then he can claim that he genuinely gave the OP fair warning. I don't think I would break it off just yet, but be cautious. Just don't get too attached right now. I can agree with this this Tan....
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Because you are damning the guy without any real evidence. Negativity abounds in your posts on this thread - has nothing to do with "thinking like me." If he wanted to just get laid, he would have lied to her - told her nothing about the gal he was trying to forget about. That's what most guys do. My posts are not full of negativity.. and when you start posting telling a poster to not listen to what others post because they are naysayers then you are just posting to hear yourself post. The OP posted this thread asking for advice and I have given advice gained from my experience.. I have been that guy before..
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 RE: So, he is taking advantage of everything. He is, simply put, comparing you to his ex-girlfriend. Sand&Water I agree with this, and all I can do is be myself. Again, I appreciate your post, but I dont think you have seen enough of out interaction to be able to say "judging by the way you have interacted your not it" (not worded exactly but still.) This was a 10 minute conversation among many many emails, quite a few phone conversations and 4 dates, all ending in a text when he gets home thanking me and telling me how great a time he had. If we dont see eachother (which at this stage we shouldnt see eachother every day) he at least texts me to see how my day was, if not calls. He compliments me all the time, tells me he enjoys my company, always takes notice of the little things i do to make him smile or please him (not that at this stage there is much, but there have been a few small things and he tells me of his appreciation.) I came here for opions and I got them, and I wasnt looking for everyone to be on my side obviously. But he is a nice guy. I can sense that, he is honest and sincere and I dont think judging by what he said that he is closing the doors. I am going to proceed, give it a few weeks and see what happens and then judge. AND I am going to try not to bring all this up...unless he does I am really bad at keeping my damn mouth shut. If i hadnt asked, this who situation would be perfect.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 So, he is taking advantage of everything. He is, simply put, comparing you to his ex-girlfriend. That's how I see it. This is a NO RISK situation for him, but a very risky one for you. Not only that, he's not starting with a fresh canvas. He's trying to paint over a gorgeous painting, and he doesn't want to. Bad timing.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 That's how I see it. This is a NO RISK situation for him, but a very risky one for you. Not only that, he's not starting with a fresh canvas. He's trying to paint over a gorgeous painting, and he doesn't want to. Bad timing. He never said he doesnt want to and also, dont we all compare people to our ex's...especially the ones who we found significant. I know I do.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 He never said he doesnt want to and also, dont we all compare people to our ex's...especially the ones who we found significant. I know I do. You're reading his words literally. Just because he did not SPECIFICALLY say that he doesn't want to doesn't mean that he does. He told you he wouldn't get back together with her, but yet still has feelings for her....after TWO YEARS. That's a guy who's still holding on to visions of her, and CHOOSING to do so. Unless your picture is prettier (and I don't mean THAT literally), her image will always remain. And no, we don't all compare people to our ex's. I, for one, never do. I just realized that, but I don't.
Sand&Water Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 RE: At least now you know what to do, Starlite. I am really bad at keeping my damn mouth shut. If i hadnt asked, this who situation would be perfect. Not at all. Good thing you brought out all that information on your date with him. I wasn't saying you can't possibly be something "special" to him. Who knows, maybe things in your love life will take a drastic turn for the better. I was generally stating that so far, this relationship is premature, and you need to give it time to blossom. You are doing very well, with this situation. Go out on dates, and have fun with him. In due time, everything will unfold beautifully. Sand&Water
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I can only speak from experience. I've been in Starlite's shoes MANY times. It always ends up the same way. The guy says this to alleviate himself from guilt down the road. He's not necessarily being Mr. Nice Honest Guy. He's being Mr. CMA (Cover My A$$). That's not to say he doesn't like her or isn't interested in her, but given that they have only been on 4 dates, such a disclaimer at the very beginning doesn't bode well for his long-term intentions, not just with Starlite, but anyone.
oppath Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I can only speak from experience. I've been in Starlite's shoes MANY times. It always ends up the same way. The guy says this to alleviate himself from guilt down the road. He's not necessarily being Mr. Nice Honest Guy. He's being Mr. CMA (Cover My A$$). That's not to say he doesn't like her or isn't interested in her, but given that they have only been on 4 dates, such a disclaimer at the very beginning doesn't bode well for his long-term intentions, not just with Starlite, but anyone. I have to agree with this. He can always say "I told you I didn't want a relationship." Standard operating procedure for me, if I don't want a relationship, is to only see the girl once every 5-7 days and flake once in the first 3 weeks so I set a pattern. That way she can never accuse me of leading her on. It's the same thing bringing up an ex. It's an out. It doesn't mean something can't develop, but it's a convenient out a lot of people use so that several weeks later, they can say "I told you." It really is covering your ass. That doesn't mean it is hopeless, it means be cautious.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I have to agree with this. He can always say "I told you I didn't want a relationship." Standard operating procedure for me, if I don't want a relationship, is to only see the girl once every 5-7 days and flake once in the first 3 weeks so I set a pattern. That way she can never accuse me of leading her on. It's the same thing bringing up an ex. It's an out. It doesn't mean something can't develop, but it's a convenient out a lot of people use so that several weeks later, they can say "I told you." It really is covering your ass. That doesn't mean it is hopeless, it means be cautious. I can see what you are saying here. Like I said...I will chat with him about it in a few weeks...get a better sense of things ya know. I will be cautious
Sand&Water Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 RE: I advise against following through with this plan, Starlite. ...I will chat with him about it in a few weeks...get a better sense of things ya know. I will be cautious You should be cautious, yes. But. Not a good idea to talk to him, about this very thing, at some point in the near future. You must understand that by talking to him about it, you are putting all your eggs in one basket. As a result, this move will get you into trouble -if not, may even push him away. I recommend, you stay away from discussing anything related to this topic and his ex-girlfriend. Relationships revolve around soulful interactions of two (existing) minds (not past minds). Sand&Water
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I recommend, you stay away from discussing anything related to this topic and his ex-girlfriend. If it is so sensitive that a person MUST never speak of it again then that in itself is a huge RED FLAG.. and also goes against the principles of honesty and communication in a budding relationship.
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 If a hurdle is reached at date 4 that can't be discussed at a future time then I would question why ?.. Obviously there are things that shouldn't be talked about by date 4 but in this case the cat is already out of the bag.. no sense in ignoring it.. The data was brought up by the guy.. why not discuss with him his feelings some more after some more dates ? I'm not saying to harp on it.. but obviously the OP has some concerns since she posted this thread and her concerns are also valid feeling that should be discussed at a later point..
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 It's not for her to pry into his past. He'll offer up more info when he's ready. While I agree that it isn't her place to pry into his past but in this case he brought it up.. Why is his Honesty so refreshing when he speaks of this on date 4 but to ask clarifying questions of him on a subject he already spoke about is prying into his past ?
oppath Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 How about you ask him a couple questions. (1) Are you ready for a new relationship? (2) If your ex were to ask for you back, would you consider it? If you are ready for a relationship, if he says "no" to question 1, really, you should walk away. If the answer to (2) is yes, then you should walk away. It's perfectly acceptable to ask those questions on date 5 considering he brought up an ex. It's not prying.
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 More at this point would only make her look desperate and needy. .. When should she ask for more of his honesty then ?
EYECANDY000 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I think you should give it time and feel out the situation. I can see why you would be a little skeptical about him. Even though he has been very honest with you, but knowing that he still has feeling for his ex would have me questioning him. Also they didnt end the relationship on bad terms, which means he may go back to her in a heart beat if she was to ever return. See how the friendship pans out first , before you start speaking of being exclusive with each other
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) http://www.monkeyboy.ws/photos/uncategorized/flogger350x450.jpg Geez, let it go Art. It's not a contest. Hey.. I was just asking you a question.. your post didn't make any sense to me and I asked for clarification.. Carry on.... Edited January 25, 2008 by Art_Critic
StartingOver07 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I can only speak from experience. I've been in Starlite's shoes MANY times. It always ends up the same way. The guy says this to alleviate himself from guilt down the road. He's not necessarily being Mr. Nice Honest Guy. He's being Mr. CMA (Cover My A$$). That's not to say he doesn't like her or isn't interested in her, but given that they have only been on 4 dates, such a disclaimer at the very beginning doesn't bode well for his long-term intentions, not just with Starlite, but anyone. But isn't this nearly exactly what you went through with your bf, albeit after a longer time together (which could be construed as being more ominous, imo)? He said he didn't want a r/s with you, everyone said the writing was on the wall, you continued to sleep with him, etc., and now it is seemingly working out. Why is it that you were able to trust your gut but don't seem to think that starlite is sensible enough to trust hers?
Mustang Sally Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 It sounds to me like he's not open to any sort of commitment beyond casual dating. So, if you can keep your heart in check, go ahead - if you think he's a nice guy. Maybe, you'll find with time that he changes his mind. However, he might not, and then, as SG and others have alluded to, you'll have no one to "blame" (if you will) than yourself, as he has already given you the disclaimer of "I told you I didn't know what I want...." As always, YMMV.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 But isn't this nearly exactly what you went through with your bf, albeit after a longer time together (which could be construed as being more ominous, imo)? He said he didn't want a r/s with you, everyone said the writing was on the wall, you continued to sleep with him, etc., and now it is seemingly working out. Why is it that you were able to trust your gut but don't seem to think that starlite is sensible enough to trust hers? You're absolutely wrong here. My BF NEVER said he didn't say he didn't want a RELATIONSHIP with me. 2 months into our relationship he said he didn't *think* he'd want a LONG DISTANCE relationship with anyone, and that he needed more time for our relationship to develop before he could commit to pursuing something long distance (and at the time we didn't even know if distance would ultimately come into play). Until he knew whether or not distance would in fact happen, he absolutely wanted to be in a relationship with me. There's quite a difference there. HUGE. In addition, I was NEVER able to trust my gut. My gut told me nothing but fear.
StartingOver07 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 You're absolutely wrong here. My BF NEVER said he didn't say he didn't want a RELATIONSHIP with me. 2 months into our relationship he said he didn't *think* he'd want a LONG DISTANCE relationship with anyone, and that he needed more time for our relationship to develop before he could commit to pursuing something long distance (and at the time we didn't even know if distance would ultimately come into play). Until he knew whether or not distance would in fact happen, he absolutely wanted to be in a relationship with me. There's quite a difference there. HUGE. In addition, I was NEVER able to trust my gut. My gut told me nothing but fear. I think you're getting hung up on the details. Point is, you and your bf had a long and teary conversation, in which it appeared that the outcome was that he had broken up with you. Most folks here told you not to sleep with him again, that all he wanted was sex without an attachment, walk away, etc. You didn't listen -- you followed your heart (if not your gut). All I am saying is that starlite appears to be doing the same, so it seems odd that you are so negative about her actions.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I think you're getting hung up on the details. Point is, you and your bf had a long and teary conversation, in which it appeared that the outcome was that he had broken up with you. Most folks here told you not to sleep with him again, that all he wanted was sex without an attachment, walk away, etc. You didn't listen -- you followed your heart (if not your gut). All I am saying is that starlite appears to be doing the same, so it seems odd that you are so negative about her actions. Ah, but the details matter. Starlite isn't talking about following her heart, she's only seen the guy 4 times! She's talking about whether or not to even walk down a very dangerous road to begin with. When I made my decision to keep moving forward, I was already heavily invested in my relationship (I was already in love with him!), and there was something built already that was worth holding on to. Unlike Starlite, I was already 1/2 way down the road, and had to choose whether to run backward or run forward. In this situation, all I'm suggesting is that she take a closer look at the map, and realize before she takes this road how many other roads are available to her that won't put her through emotional pain.
Author starlite Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Wow! A lot has been written since I left work. As for all of this...I will be careful. I am seeing him tonight, he is introducing me to a few close friends of his. He called me so happy today and was telling me how great of a night he had last night. I do like him a lot. Star- Our situations are very different, I am not in love. But in the disclaimer sense it was the same, hence "I told you I didnt want a LDR". I know that didnt happen... It is like when I am n the breakup boards. I had a broken heart and on the same day somene who dated a girl or guy a month was seemingly more devastated...I am not one to jump on it and say how ridiculous it seems. If nothing else, this will be a learning experience. I learned a lot from my last relationship which ended uglier than I expected. I am not a nieve girl. But I do like this guy, we have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh and vice versa. I dont think what was said last night was as detramental as I made it seem or he meant it to be...BUT I AM BEING CAUTIOUS NOW!!!! Believe me... Thank you for your opinions. And thank you for the support!! Oh yeah...artcritic, my name here is not OP...it's Starlite, Star for short seems so cold calling me "the OP".
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