starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Let me start by saying, we have been seeing eachother a very short time and I don't have expectations and I am not trying to rush things! OK...We have been out 4 times so far. Last night we went for dinner and some how our last relationships came up. Now, what do you ladies and gentlemen think?? He got out of a relationship about 2 years ago. They broke up because she was moving out of the country for work. I stupidly asked if there were still lingering feelings there and he said "honestly, yes". But he said she is with someone else now and that if she did come back he doesnt really think he would take her back. She is his best friends sister. He also told me that as of right now he doesnt know what he is looking for, definately friends. But I told him I dont tend to make out with friends and he said neither does he. As we kissed he jokingly said "you dont just want to be friends huh?" (in a cute tone) and I responded with "No, do you?" (IN A CUTE TONE) and he basically kinda took it seriously and said again he doesnt know what he is looking for. I told him right now is not the time to talk about it and to just let me know when he does know. This whole conversation was very very light, when i told him know was not the time and I wasnt asking him on a serious not he smiled and kissed me and said he likes me. I like him...more than I expected too, and I love his honesty!!! I'm in NO way saying I want a marriage proposal....but do you think the signs are clear... I should really give this a couple months huh?? HHAHA!
spookie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I can see the logic in the wisdom of "give it time"..... but TBH I would be exceptionally uncomfortable in your situation. Maybe it's because, in my experience, what you are looking for is what's right for you, so if you have no idea, it follows that the right thing doesn't exist. It could be staring you in the mouth and you'd be oblivious, if you don't know what you want. That's what makes me wary of getting involved with people who say that. To me, it means they don't know themselves; and if they don't know themselves, how can they ever form an opinion regarding me in their life? It just sounds like a lot of red flags to me. The ex that got away that he still cares for... telling you that he wants friends yet still making out with you (there's a term for that... FWB)... him saying he doens't know what he wants. I would probably let this one go, or at least write him off as dating potential and focus on a legit friendship. But if you're not prepared to that, at least please be very, very cautious.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I'd be very uncomfortable with this, and probably wouldn't have even bothered kissing him after he admitted lingering feelings. You're headed towards FWB grounds, and he's not going to feel any guilt if/when you're heartbroken because he'll say, "Hey, I told you I didn't know what I want, that was your choice to continue seeing me..." It just sounds like a lot of red flags to me. The ex that got away that he still cares for... telling you that he wants friends yet still making out with you (there's a term for that... FWB)... him saying he doens't know what he wants.
torranceshipman Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 His honesty is great - cool guy - but he's also made it clear that he still likes his ex and only really wants friends, or FWB - I'd 100% forget about a R with this guy! But he's honest so I think he'd be a cool friend...
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I am having a tricky time with this. He didnt say that is all he wants, to be friends, and I made it clear to him that that isnt all i want...but that it is VERY early in our situation to tell. I think I am going to give it 2-3 weeks, see how it all goes. Obviously not sleep with him. We have plans tonight....and tomorrow night he is going out with friends but he said he would love for me to come along. I will take your advice though on taking it slow and being cautious.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 He doesn't want to be just friends, and he doesn't want a relationship either. Let's look at what the continuum looks like: Friends ------------- >>>Friends with Benefits<<< -------------Relationship It's very, very obvious where you fall in line here if you continue to see him on anything other than a platonic level. If you're able to handle that, fine. But the tone of your posts makes me think you wouldn't be able to handle it - you sound far too hopeful. He's being very honest with you here - he does not want a relationship, and even if he did, he's not emotionally available because he's still hung up on another woman. Why waste your time on someone who cares more about another woman than he does you? Why allow yourself to be a rebound, the woman that helps him get over his ex only so that he can move on to the next?
MakeLemonade Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I agree that I think the honesty is great - the fact that he admits those feelings tells me that he is working through them and hopefully moving beyond them. It sounds like he likes you regardless and yes, if you can keep your feelings in check, what harm can come of seeing where it might lead? Have fun! That's what dating is all about anyway. Keep us posted
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Why date a man that is emotionally unavailable ? Why date a man that on a 4th date has told you he was emotionally unavailable ? Why date a man that would dump you in a heart beat if his ex came back ? I say Next --------->>
tanbark813 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 How long was he with his ex? 2 years is a long time to not be over someone.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 How long was he with his ex? 2 years is a long time to not be over someone. He was with her for about 3 years, but here's the thing. He has dated since, and nothing has worked, he hasnt found someone that he really likes. I am sure that when things kept not working he remembers back to how easy it did work with his ex. He said that if she came back he wouldn't go back to her, in my original thread starter i said probably wouldnt but that is because he added "I havent been faced with that situation. She is with someone else now.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 He doesn't want to be just friends, and he doesn't want a relationship either. Let's look at what the continuum looks like: Friends ------------- >>>Friends with Benefits<<< -------------Relationship It's very, very obvious where you fall in line here if you continue to see him on anything other than a platonic level. If you're able to handle that, fine. But the tone of your posts makes me think you wouldn't be able to handle it - you sound far too hopeful. He's being very honest with you here - he does not want a relationship, and even if he did, he's not emotionally available because he's still hung up on another woman. Why waste your time on someone who cares more about another woman than he does you? Why allow yourself to be a rebound, the woman that helps him get over his ex only so that he can move on to the next? I do see what you are saying Star, i really do. I just think I want to give it a few weeks. I am a bit hopeful, but at the same time seeing as we have known eachother such a short time...I dont even know what I want. I have to get to know him, and I am getting to know him from scratch. And he didnt say he does NOT want a relationship, I am sorry if that is what I typed...it is not what he said.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I agree that I think the honesty is great - the fact that he admits those feelings tells me that he is working through them and hopefully moving beyond them. It sounds like he likes you regardless and yes, if you can keep your feelings in check, what harm can come of seeing where it might lead? Have fun! That's what dating is all about anyway. Keep us posted Thanks MakeLemonade! I do really admire his honesty. It is very refreshing, it is what many guys think but keep inside because they fear it will scare a woman away. I bet a lot of people telling me to walk away now (after 4 dates) are dating people who arent close to this honest. He didnt give the impression he is in love...he just hasnt found someone since and probably hangs on and remembers what it felt like then. I am taking it slow. He doesnt seem like a jerk, he knows that I dont want to be just friends or just friends who hook up (fwb) and we both want to see how it all pans out ya know.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 And he didnt say he does NOT want a relationship, I am sorry if that is what I typed...it is not what he said. I'm reading between the lines here: "I don't know what I'm looking for, definitely friends..." and then kissing you, AFTER telling you he also has lingering feelings for his ex... in my mind, THAT means he's not interested in a relationship. I can actually see the hope in your words that you will somehow magically change the way he feels about his ex and only want you. Be very careful.
MakeLemonade Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 He was with her for about 3 years, but here's the thing. He has dated since, and nothing has worked, he hasnt found someone that he really likes. I am sure that when things kept not working he remembers back to how easy it did work with his ex. He said that if she came back he wouldn't go back to her, in my original thread starter i said probably wouldnt but that is because he added "I havent been faced with that situation. She is with someone else now. This kinda changes things a bit, he skated on the question. Might be a red flag. Might just be he had something really great with her and is being extra picky in the gf picking now because of it. It seems like he was saying there, I am afraid of that question, but he is still honest. I do like that. You wouldn't have to worry of him doing anything behind your back, but as I said before, keep those feelings in check for now. 2 years though really, what are the chances of her coming back now? So he would probably never be faced with that. I see the dilemma a little more clearly now though - do you want to even have to worry about him wishing he HAD that dilemma....it is a bit tougher than it seemed at first.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I'm reading between the lines here: "I don't know what I'm looking for, definitely friends..." and then kissing you, AFTER telling you he also has lingering feelings for his ex... in my mind, THAT means he's not interested in a relationship. I can actually see the hope in your words that you will somehow magically change the way he feels about his ex and only want you. Be very careful. I do have hope, you are right. I like him. I dont feel like getting to know someone for 6 days is enogh to judge and I think a few more weeks would be good. Knowing me, the situation will come up. I think he says 'definately friends' and stuff is because he is from another country and honestly doesnt have many friends in this area at all. A few from his sport, but that is it.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 This kinda changes things a bit, he skated on the question. Might be a red flag. Might just be he had something really great with her and is being extra picky in the gf picking now because of it. It seems like he was saying there, I am afraid of that question, but he is still honest. I do like that. You wouldn't have to worry of him doing anything behind your back, but as I said before, keep those feelings in check for now. 2 years though really, what are the chances of her coming back now? So he would probably never be faced with that. I see the dilemma a little more clearly now though - do you want to even have to worry about him wishing he HAD that dilemma....it is a bit tougher than it seemed at first. I wouldnt say he skated on the question. I asked Do you have lingering feelings for her? And he responded "Honestly, yes. I wouldn't go back to her though, not that I have been faced with that, but I wouldnt go back." I could say the same thing about my ex. I kinda hate my ex cause he cheated, but we broke up 4 months ago. Actually, I know I could have him back but even when I didnt I would have been able to say the same thing he did. I still have love for him, but he is bad for me and the show must go on.
MakeLemonade Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I wouldnt say he skated on the question. I asked Do you have lingering feelings for her? And he responded "Honestly, yes. I wouldn't go back to her though, not that I have been faced with that, but I wouldnt go back." I could say the same thing about my ex. I kinda hate my ex cause he cheated, but we broke up 4 months ago. Actually, I know I could have him back but even when I didnt I would have been able to say the same thing he did. I still have love for him, but he is bad for me and the show must go on. Yeah, you're right skated isn't the right word at all. He did answer it, I just wonder what was the point of telling you he hadn't been faced with it? Was it just a poor choice of phrase or was he kinda leaving just a tiny crack in the door open if for some reason she did come back he wouldn't have been lying to you? I am just playing devil's advocate here, it sounds like he really likes you, and you, him. I am just wondering why he put that in there is all. Maybe I am just overanalyzing this post, this place is so addicting, it is turning me into some kind of back seat psychoanalyst and for some weird reason I like it!
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Yeah, you're right skated isn't the right word at all. He did answer it, I just wonder what was the point of telling you he hadn't been faced with it? Was it just a poor choice of phrase or was he kinda leaving just a tiny crack in the door open if for some reason she did come back he wouldn't have been lying to you? I am just playing devil's advocate here, it sounds like he really likes you, and you, him. I am just wondering why he put that in there is all. Maybe I am just overanalyzing this post, this place is so addicting, it is turning me into some kind of back seat psychoanalyst and for some weird reason I like it! I am the the same way with my psychoanalyzing. Maybe it was to leave a crack in the door, but he did say it more 'matter of fact' ly.
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I was in a situation a couple years ago where I had been hurt and wanted only casual dates with no intention of forming a relationship with anyone. Then I began to date my current guy, and he totally made me forget about what had hurt me so badly. So yes, it can happen that a new love can make you forget about someone. Just be careful and you'll be okay. ~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~ That is such a true statement.. the key is with the OP's guy is that he will never see this .. He is so wrapped up with his ex that he would pass up all chances at happiness to wait for her... The OP needs to recognize that the guy she is dating is hung up on another and it will not benefit her to continue to date him...
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 What makes you think the part I bolded is true? Ahhhh.. He told her on the 4th date that he has feelings for his ex whom he broke up with 2 years ago.. He has already started to sabotage a brand new relationship for an old nonexistent one.. A person who is hung up on an ex who goes out with another person normally keeps that info close to their vest.. they let the relationship form and if it takes off then they are over their ex.. He didn't do that.. that says it all.. there isn't going to be any overcoming that..
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) Sorry, but I disagree. Anyone with that kind of honesty (a man, at that!) has a lot going for him. I say he's worth finding out more about. Honesty..haha... His is friends with his ex's sister..or something like that.. anyhow.. his ex is still in the background picture.. He was just getting info out in the open that was going to come up later anyhow... How is that refreshing honesty ?..All he was doing was trying not to get caught in a lie because some info was going to come out that would paint him in a negative light.. He is sabotaging his new relationship because it threatens his nonexistent one that he wants with the ex... Why is it that just because a person doesn't think like you that we become the naysayers ? Edited January 25, 2008 by Art_Critic
tanbark813 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Honesty..haha... His is friends with his ex's sister..or something like that.. anyhow.. his ex is still in the background picture.. His ex is his best friend's sister. He was probably friends with the friend first before getting with the ex. You can't really hold that against him. He is sabotaging his new relationship because it threatens his nonexistent one that he wants with the ex... "Sabotage" is a bit harsh. He only mentioned it because she asked. I'm not trying to say everything is puppy dogs and ice cream but there's no real harm in giving it a month or so just to see how things go. To me, it sounds like his answers are somewhat political. It sounds like he's being honest about his feelings but it also seems like kind of a disclaimer on the off chance he gets back together with his ex. Then he can claim that he genuinely gave the OP fair warning. I don't think I would break it off just yet, but be cautious. Just don't get too attached right now.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Sorry, but I disagree. Anyone with that kind of honesty (a man, at that!) has a lot going for him. I say he's worth finding out more about. I say his honesty is refreshing as well. Thanks Sameold...I appreciate it.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Honesty..haha... His is friends with his ex's sister..or something like that.. anyhow.. his ex is still in the background picture.. He was just getting info out in the open that was going to come up later anyhow... How is that refreshing honesty ?..All he was doing was trying not to get caught in a lie because some info was going to come out that would paint him in a negative light.. He is sabotaging his new relationship because it threatens his nonexistent one that he wants with the ex... Why is it that just because a person doesn't think like you that we become the naysayers ? I wouldnt call it sabotaging, I asked and he was honest which is nice. Like you said..most people wouldnt say anything. I am not here to hear what I want. I will continue with caution, but I dontthink it is hopeless. I dont think I am being nieve and I do think that he does like me...it hasnt been too long. But like i said, I will not wear my heart on my sleeve and I will keep what he said in my mind. I just dont think it is a cut and dry situation ya know.
Author starlite Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I don't think I would break it off just yet, but be cautious. Just don't get too attached right now. I will Tan! Be cautious that is. I think this deserves a little more time and see what happens. I'm a pretty smart girl...I appreciate opinions when I ask for them . But when I replay the night in my head I really didnt hear "I love my ex and if she comes back you are out the door and even if not, I'm all set with dating." Nothing even close to that.
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