CaliGuy Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I keep wondering.... Do dumpers doubt their decision for a long time after or do they just move on easily? Also... Do all or most women rebound soon after with someone else just to forget us dumpees? I had a very good/strong relationship with my ex... or so I thought. We were together for 9 years, lived togther 7 of those years. In later threads I will get more into this if anyone is interested... Thanx to everyone that comes on here.... I have found this site to be inspiring and theraputic... Some do, some don't. But from what I gathered, here are my theories on dumpers. When a man dumps a woman, it's often with little to no counsel from friends. Men usually make the decision to leave a woman based on "spur of the moment" rationale rather than long process of sorting out feelings. Not saying all men do this, but I would guess that a good majority do. Quite often men end up regretting the decision (even if only for a short time) because they miss some part of the relationship. However, the simple fact they chose to end the relationship is a good indicator (for women) that he's just not the right guy for you. When a woman dumps a man, it's often with much counsel from family and friends. It's usually an arduous decision that has taken many months (or years) for her to come to. Women will start checking out of the relationship well in advance of actually dropping the hammer. So when they do end the relationship they will stand firm with the decision to move on. This is why I think when men are dumped it's best go to complete NC and forget about her because the odds are very slim she is coming back. In your case, you spent 9 years with this woman. She knows you inside and out. Something changed over the course of time that caused her to want to go in a different direction. I know this is easy to say but tough to hear. I really think in your case that your best move is to go complete NC with her. You had 9 years together and it will be VERY hard to forget the past and move on, but you must if you want to have success with someone new. Whatever her decision are for leave, odds are she doesn't regret it. She doesn't now but maybe in the future she will but I wouldn't wait around to see if she is going to change her mind. Her life isn't going to stop without you in it therefore why should your life stop without her in it? It won't and you need to understand that. Yes, it absolutely sucks when, what we felt was a great relationship ends, but that's just it. For it to be a great relationship, you both have to feel the same about each other. And in her case, she didn't. In the end, this situation will break you or make you MUCH stronger. The choice is yours...
Author ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 In the end, this situation will break you or make you MUCH stronger. The choice is yours... -CALIGUY Right now it has broken me just like humpty dumpty, the pieces are virtually impossible to put together... But I hope in some time I will feel better, and someday MUCH stronger...choosing what I want isnt working, subconcious level is being stubborn and stronger than the concious. So when they do end the relationship they will stand firm with the decision to move on. -CALIGUY I agree... But if you read a little before on the post, my main concern is not to have her back as to make us an item. The mutual respect we have for eachother due to how we handled our relationship throught these 9 years, has us vowing to be great friends in the future. I just dont want to lose this woman from my life forever, I want her to be able to call upon me as a friend when she needs help or just to drink a beer, just like I want to be able to call her when I need help on any issue or just have that simple beer like friends do.... I know you will probably say....why do you need that from her if you have other people you can do that with?.......well its not a need, its just something I feel would be right. I dont think that because a relationship doesnt work, that you should just cut people out from your life forever. They were an important part, nobody is mad or angry, so why should you just ignore and be like the other never existed. If you truly like and respect someone and aknowledge this, then it should not be a problem to do so.
cant let go Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I say she's not rebounding because as I stated earlier..women are good at emotionally disconnecting themselves from a relationship, long before they actually end it... without their SO knowing their change of heart. For example.. if she dumped you in November.. she possibly had doubts about your relationship back in May, or June. Then emotionally ends it (for herself) around September.. so by the time November rolls around.. and there's now a backup plan.. she can end the relationship, and make the quick transition. This may not be the case, but in my humble opinion.. it could be. However.. I am just a dumpee myself, and I call it as I see and experience it. once again i say. i agree with your point 100% except that it is dumpers not just women that do this. my ex-boyfriend did this same thing...so it's not just a woman thing.
cant let go Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I believe she suffered plenty and anguished for a very long time herself before making the decision. She told me on the day of the breakup that she had gone on anti-depressants for the last month just to be able to cope with the idea before she gave it to me, she never spoke to anybody for help or advice, not her mother, not her sister, not her best friend, she stuck it out alone, and so yes it was coming for a long time before. The thought of having her next to me and not saying a word of how she felt and trying to make it work just crushes me, she kept it all inside...What we had was very rooted. I shouldnt have made her suffer this much because she didnt deserve it from me. I feel she grew tired of waiting for the real me...the confident and proud person that I was with a good future lying ahead, I became weak and fell short lately, and my self-esteem and confidence went downhill. She needed my old me and I didnt come through. Yes she may have the sense of guilt and in the future I think she will have the "what if" because I know one day I will be my old strong, confident and proud self that she was just tired of waiting for...I feel like crying again just thinking of why I did this to myself.... And yes I will at least have the joy of knowing that we spent a beautiful moment in our lives together, and as they say..."all in all is all we are" so I know that my future way of being, and hers also, will always have a part of what we learned from eachother...we will be everpresent. She was very brave and corageous in her decision....like she has always been in life... i see much of myself in your thoughts. i really thought that it would be harder for me to not be friends with my ex than it would be to be friends with him. we are very important to each other and that is evident everyday. i wish i could say with confidence that i don't want him back someday. i really thought i could just ride the pain of this friendship out until it gets easier. honestly it has gotten easier. some days i break down but most days i have accepted things. my true fear however is that i will never fall out of love with him. i adore him and he makes me laugh and makes me proud everyday. i'm moving away from him so that i can open myself up to love someone else someday. it's not fair to the other potential loves of my life for me to be so engaged in this one that doesn't want me in that way. he wants a friend, do i really want a friend?... yea i want a friend, but i want to be able to love him and show him how much i love him and tell him everyday that i love him. i am only letting you know that the space is the only thing that will eventually work. well actually i'm hoping it will work, i haven't actually moved away yet. i also believe that you need something to distract you. for some people a distraction is another person, for others it may be enough just to take in a new activity. i know that i love being around someone who makes me laugh and makes me think and that is the void that is missing in my life, i need a distraction to fill that void or i will forever look to him for that and i will always be disapointed when he can't complete it. a&b you are in a good frame of mind and this journey is going to be really hard especially the first few months. i'm only through month 4. i feel better but i'm def not healed. i'm also not leaving this forum any time soon so keep posting and i'll keep replying as long as i feel i can help. lots of love to you. and sedg wasn't kidding....you're a cutie
Author ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 he wants a friend, do i really want a friend?... yea i want a friend, but i want to be able to love him and show him how much i love him and tell him everyday that i love him. i am only letting you know that the space is the only thing that will eventually work. well actually i'm hoping it will work, i haven't actually moved away yet. i also believe that you need something to distract you. for some people a distraction is another person, for others it may be enough just to take in a new activity. i know that i love being around someone who makes me laugh and makes me think and that is the void that is missing in my life, i need a distraction to fill that void or i will forever look to him for that and i will always be disapointed when he can't complete it. a&b you are in a good frame of mind and this journey is going to be really hard especially the first few months. i'm only through month 4. i feel better but i'm def not healed. i'm also not leaving this forum any time soon so keep posting and i'll keep replying as long as i feel i can help. lots of love to you. and sedg wasn't kidding....you're a cutie Yep....Im giving her space, in fact, we started out trying the friend thing which was killing me and so deciced to tell her we need time and space apart to which she readilly agreed obviously because thats what I guess she wanted in the first place.... And yes, there are srtong indications that she did have someone in frame of mind or was begining to get interested in someone else, even though she told me at the time that there wasnt and that she was going to stay away from men for a long time because she just wants to be alone for now.....I think thats a load of **** because women need company....so I guess thats her distraction now... I still feel that its a rebound situation anyway, even though she might have been emotionally pulling herself away from the relationship for a while, and I say this because I see and feel that she hurts when shes around me still.... And from what I read here and from what women tell me, when reality hits her one day and it will....she will anguish once again but harder...(Is this true?) I dont know if Im in the right frame of mind though in the healing process, I analyze and obcess too much because I am unemployed right now, and so Im not really feeling healthy. Anyway....thanx for considering me a cutie.... Hope to get some more feedback.....
BrianG Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Anguished, I was let go from my job a week after she broke up with me (5 yrs. together and she moved out sticking me with the rent with no job). Trust me not having a job gives you a lot of free time for your mind to wander. You have to focus on things that you can control. You cannot control her feelings, so focus on things that you can control like finding a job. Redirect your focus on employment. Make finding a job, your job if you know what i mean. I dont mean to downplay your feelings because I am right there with you my man and know exactly how you feel. I am 3 months post break-up and I can tell you its a hard journey because I did want to spend the rest of my life with her as well so I get scared that part of my life is now uncertain. It will be hard for a while, but as some ladies has expressed on here, that you and I are not bad looking fellas and its just a matter of time until we find someone that has more "staying power." In the meantime, try to look at the positives of being free after a 9 yr relationship, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Im having difficulties seeing the positive aspects of a break-up such as ours, but they are there, its just a matter of attitude and positive thinking.
cant let go Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 truthfully, i don't feel that having a job while going through this made things any easier on me. as much as i hate to generalize genders, i know that they say guys are very career focused, so perhaps for a guy, having a job is a good way to keep your focus away from the breakup. in my case, my breakup pretty much destroyed all the ambition i had at my job. i really just stopped caring completely. i had recently changed departments right before the breakup. this is something that i was excited about. after the breakup i couldn't focus or care enough at work to learn all the new things and now i'm just so lost there that i absolutely hate it and i'm quitting next month. a new city and a new company should give me the fresh start and the clean slate that i really desperately need right now. when i say you are in the right frame of mind, i'm not kidding. you should be analysing everything and obsessing. the unhealthy thing would be to ignore your natural feelings and impulses. feel everything. embrace the anguish. it's kinda like there is a big huge pile of pain sitting right in the middle of your livingroom and the only way it will ever go away is if you let yourself feel it and pick it apart and absorb it all until it is gone. ignoring it will only leave it sitting in the middle of the floor waiting to trip you as you get up to do something trivial like go to the bathroom.
vivrantflo Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 once again i say. i agree with your point 100% except that it is dumpers not just women that do this. my ex-boyfriend did this same thing...so it's not just a woman thing. Your man was an exception.. The action I described is predominant with women. Read Caliguy's post.. post 26, the first two paragraphs. He pretty much says the same thing I do, but much more elaborate. I'm NOT the only male to feel this way. Talk to the 99% of male dumpees on here, and they'll tell you.
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 it all depends on the preson and the realtionship they have with the person and how they feel about them. I know i loved my bf very much but there was one point where i had dumped him because i was so mad and ASSUME he didnt want to be with me but regreted it a couple hours later and tried to get him back but that led us to a break which ****ed up our whole relationship....recently i dumped him because he was texting with some other bitch and i regreted it 2 or 3 days later and now i want to get back with him... girls have a concious ( probably spelled that wrong sorry) and i believe boys might but dont bother to pay attention to it. Thats why most of us always go after those men.
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 When a man dumps a woman, it's often with little to no counsel from friends. Men usually make the decision to leave a woman based on "spur of the moment" rationale rather than long process of sorting out feelings. Not saying all men do this, but I would guess that a good majority do. Quite often men end up regretting the decision (even if only for a short time) because they miss some part of the relationship. However, the simple fact they chose to end the relationship is a good indicator (for women) that he's just not the right guy for you. When a woman dumps a man, it's often with much counsel from family and friends. It's usually an arduous decision that has taken many months (or years) for her to come to. Women will start checking out of the relationship well in advance of actually dropping the hammer. So when they do end the relationship they will stand firm with the decision to move on. This is why I think when men are dumped it's best go to complete NC and forget about her because the odds are very slim she is coming back. In your case, you spent 9 years with this woman. She knows you inside and out. Something changed over the course of time that caused her to want to go in a different direction. I know this is easy to say but tough to hear. I really think in your case that your best move is to go complete NC with her. You had 9 years together and it will be VERY hard to forget the past and move on, but you must if you want to have success with someone new. Whatever her decision are for leave, odds are she doesn't regret it. She doesn't now but maybe in the future she will but I wouldn't wait around to see if she is going to change her mind. Her life isn't going to stop without you in it therefore why should your life stop without her in it? It won't and you need to understand that. Dude, you took the words right out of my mouth.
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Dude, you took the words right out of my mouth. Naw, had I done that I would have at least had the common decency to kiss you first. haha
November Rain Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 (edited) How do you eat an elephant? One bite at the time. That's how I'm approaching each day. One day at a time. When you've been in a relationship for a long period it is extremely hard to just let go. I know...15 years together and now we have been separated 4 months. The 4 months feel longer than the 15 years. Take the opportunity now to re-evaluate your situation. Are you still out of work? Maybe you can't find exactly what you want to do or what you specialize in. Try something new. You are young, smart, with a quick mine. You can do anything you want...that is if you set your mind to it. Life is short and we all have pain. Break-ups can bring on the worst type of pain. For the first few weeks I was nothing but a blubberbag. But I can't cry forever and neither can you. Might feel like it but the tears will begin to lessen...mine have and so will yours. My H told me if things don't work out for us he hopes we can still be friends. I don't think so, I can't be his friend, we've shared too much. Like you, I still love him and would love for us to work it out, but it takes two. You can't do it by yourself. So you have to let them go. Your post seem to state that is what you have done and it has given much inspiration. It's hard to picture my life without him but I have too. I have to accept it's over and move on and I am...one day (elephant bite) at the time. I do believe in God and I do believe he did not intend for us to be alone. One day love will find us again when we least expect it. I have to believe....it might not be tomorrow, a week from now or a year from now, but it will happen. I'm in no rush, there are things that I have to deal with and settle before I can even think about another person in my life. But I do have hope and so should you. Edited February 14, 2008 by November Rain
Whey2Big4u Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 The truth is that you were there for her when she was depressed and you helped HER when you where doing well, when it was the other way she left.........If someon really loved you she would do the same...I myself am, going thjrough this. 6 years and we got engaged, then she broke it off to see other poeple. 5 months later im still dealing,, even thoaugh ive moved on with other poeple. I was there for her when **** hit the fan for her life, finacially, physically, emotionally, but when it happened to me she did help, but it overwhelmed her and got in the way of her goals and she left. To think i gave up a football scholoarship for her. Well no piont pionting fingers, **** happens, life goes on......as my grandfather said to me "you know how everyone says that life not fair and life sucks, well after all this time, its not such a bad life."
Whey2Big4u Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 well you made a mistake in youre last post.......never underestimate yourself. think of it this way. SHE LOST YOU!!! YOu are someone special too. I've been where you are and at first i thoaght it was all me, but then i relaized how awesome i was and that im a special guy, any girl would be lucky to have me and i have met many since the break up (4 months ago). There is nothing more than an unconfident man to turn off a women. It still hurts to know that shes been with other guys since (sexually, this i know throught the wonders of facebook and common friends) weve broken up, but when i think about, ive been with other girls!! (we were together for 6 years and were engaged to be married) Don;t contact her, but only on impotnat dates. Let time go by, hang out with FRIENDS which is imporntant, spend time on yourself and find a way to let her know how well your doing without her, but indirectly. send her a birthdya card, but dont make it romanitc keep it simple, same for special holoidays. Let her know you care, but at the same time enjoy YOU. Take one day at a atime and with time it gets better, even thoagh the memory of the pain will always be there. i still have hope for my relationship, sex means nothing its love that matters. Only time will tell. Hope what i said helps. unfortunality things that happen are a harsh truth, but put everything into perspective based on what youre doing. good luck
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