Do Dumpers doubt their decision for long?

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

I keep wondering....

Do dumpers doubt their decision for a long time after or do they just move on easily? Also... Do all or most women rebound soon after with someone else just to forget us dumpees?

 

I had a very good/strong relationship with my ex... or so I thought. We were together for 9 years, lived togther 7 of those years. In later threads I will get more into this if anyone is interested...

 

Thanx to everyone that comes on here.... I have found this site to be inspiring and theraputic...

[PinkRibbon]

I wish I knew the answer to that question then I would feel so much better about things. My husband left me so I often wonder if he is feeling the effects since he won't talk to me.

 

I think regardless of gender dumpers often go into another realtionship because for them it is over. I may be wrong on that though but it is what I think.

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

Its hard for me to concieve that she has met new people and has a special friend who she says was there for her in this dificult moment in her life...(breaking up with me). I figure either she had os was wanting to have something going with him prior....or he just picked up on her weakness and benifited from it.....she says nothing has ever happened and that they are just friends.... its none of my business i know....but it just feels strange that this is somebody that i dont even know and she just met shortly....after all we were together for 9 years, i know who her friends are.

 

Help this lonely broken man....

[zerolove]

Hi. I see what you suffering is pondering yourself the analysis of her over and over. It's useless, to be frank with you, the gender of dumpers or dumpees has nothing to do with changing of the decision, they might and mostly they might not...That's the same phase i have gone through, that's darkest moment in my life....now you need to look ahead...in 2 or 3 weeks, you will be at my stage. Just relax and accept it as it is now. Reset you target. Most people in love hypothetically deem she/he is the ultimate life goal...that's a delusion...Your life goal is much much bigger than her....Think about that...Go gym work hard, as long as you dont kill yourself , some sparks will come out and you will feel better...I know you can overcome this...

[sedgwick]

I was with a guy I love more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I'd have done anything for him. I just adore him. I thought everything was great up until six months ago when he dumped me for not being a musician (like he is) and stopped speaking to me. I told him I loved him unconditionally and always would, and we hadn't been fighting or anything, but still he seemed to feel that the best thing to do would be to cut me out of his life and never speak to me again. I doubt very seriously he even remembers who I am. It was obviously so easy for him to just take off -- I would be extremely surprised if he remembered me at all. My assumption is that he was lying all along. I'm not sure why -- maybe just to teach me a lesson about how I wasn't good enough. I'm trying to tell myself that the one good thing to come out of this was that I learned that romance is for other people, but I'm not good enough to have it in my life. I'm thankful to him for teaching me that lesson once and for all, even though it hurts. I certainly will never have the audacity to go after anyone again!!

 

I must say that if that's you in your icon, you're pretty hot, and she was dumb.

Edited January 25, 2008 by sedgwick

[mistie03]

I agree with Sedgwick -- you look like a hot guy.

 

As far as weather a person doubts their decision, I think it depends on the person and their reasons for leaving the relationship. I have left a few men that I loved, but I felt like I had no choice. They displayed abusive behaviors that I knew would never change. I didn't leave them for another guy, I just couldn't put up with them anymore. Talking to them and trying to work on a problem was futile. I just think that they didn't know how to make a good relationship.

 

I have also been cheated on. It was heartbreaking. The worst was when I was pregnant. My husband was having a torrid affair. I thought I would die of a broken heart. I got over it and moved on. So far, I still haven't found the right man. I'm not going to believe it will never happen. I guess I am an optimist.

[LoveLace]

I think it depends on the reason for dumping. Sometimes things end long before they are really over. For instance, my high school sweetheart and I were together 3 years. But for the last year, I wanted to break up and just didn't get the nerve. Finally he sensed it and broke it off himself. Poor guy was torn up. But me, I went back to college, shed a few tears for 1 day, and I was fine...no regrets to this day.

 

In other situations, people dump you because they just strongly feel it's the right thing, what ever the reason may be. But it's such an important reason that they decide to leave the relationship, while another part of them wants badly to stay. In that case, a dumper might spend months or even the rest of their lives wondering if they should have done it.

[CalamitousJane]

I'm trying to tell myself that the one good thing to come out of this was that I learned that romance is for other people, but I'm not good enough to have it in my life. I'm thankful to him for teaching me that lesson once and for all, even though it hurts. I certainly will never have the audacity to go after anyone again!!.

 

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but jeez Sedgwick.

 

So why exactly would God/The Universe/whoever single you out to be the only truly undeserving-of-love creature on the planet?

 

Did you do something really horrendous once? Maybe in a past life or something?

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

WOW...Thanks for the responses everyone.... i have read many of your responses on other threads and i feel priveliged to have you all answering mine....Thank u once again...

 

In other situations, people dump you because they just strongly feel it's the right thing, what ever the reason may be. But it's such an important reason that they decide to leave the relationship, while another part of them wants badly to stay. In that case, a dumper might spend months or even the rest of their lives wondering if they should have done it.

-Lovelace

 

I thhink this is more on the line that i was thinking...

Throught my relationship (9 years), we never had a fight, neber argued (this may not be se good), thought about alot of things on the same level and basically understood eachother well.

We were young when we started I 22, She 19....now 31 she 28.

This last year was pretty rough for me, may have been a big reason for this... I quit my job just as she did ( big risk taking) to move near family, bought an apartment together. We were well off, thing is she was able to find work quickly and I wasnt.... After a while anxiety, stress and depression started setting in...turned into apathy...

She continued work, and after a year she got another place to work and is at the top of her carrer....I continue unemployed and double depression set in ( mind u I have worked all my life but now have nothing to show for it).

She changed a whole lot during this time and I guess I just wasnt able to keep up. And my self esteem and confidence was and is null at this point.

(Not good also being that she didnt see that confident and proud person that was always by her side.)

Another factor in this equation is her fathers death 3 years ago... She became depressed, had much to work through with her mother and sister ( I always helped where I could, and was her comforter in hard times), the sex after his death became null, as in 3-4 times a year if i was lucky, (which now the thought of having some men just out of the blue coming to be with her when i was there and.....nothing.....the thought kills me)

I held through....but comunication started lacking.

We always had a very open way of dealing with each other as in going out or whatever....but she started not coming out with me when i wanted (always went to her mothers house), when she would want me to go anywhere i would be with her...

 

My conclusion to all this is, now at this point of her life, where she stands in her carrer, fathers inheritance, house, life.....i´m a deadwheight and now she needs to find herself...

We had and have great respect for eachother, and i miss her dearly.

Didnt do what most do, the whining and begging to come back, i understood and just said "i hope u can see me in a diferent light someday.". I´m ANGUISHEDandBROKEN

 

Many promises made in the end on being great friends and if anything is needed the other will always be there. I´m ANGUISHEDandBROKEN

 

Im not trying to make her look like the bad guy because i know she isnt, if she was on here everybody would love her just like everybody that meets her...Shes sweet, calm, a joy to be with, strong and persistent woman.

I fell short.....I´m ANGUISHEDandBROKEN

 

Will a true friendship ever be possible? I know who she is, and she knows me well, we feel a need to not lose that in the future....but will it ever be possible?

Ive been dying slowly inside for the last 3 months... and now i feel like crying once again

 

ANGUISHEDandBROKEN

[LoveLace]

Well after all that, you two will always have a connection of some sort. Weather or not any of that's communicated, one can't know. I believe true friendship is always possible, but if it's too painful - then maybe not. In your situation, life got in the way of the relationship (for both of you) Once a downward spiral starts, it is sometimes too late to stop it or fix it. You should try to get yourself involved with things that will get her off your mind less...it'll still take time, but you should hang out with your buds, start a hobby (like working out or reading)...especially if your not working, all you have time to do is think. So you should find as many ways as possible to fill the days. Don't start dating until you feel ready, but if women approach you, give them a chance. Moving on probably sounds impossible, but it's the only choice time can give you. What you've gone through is very, very difficult; but taking the steps to move on is the only real way to heal. Even talking with a counselor could be really helpful for you. Good luck.

[vivrantflo]

Well, to answer your original question, yes, women do rebound..but so do men... however.. in your situation, she is not rebounding.

 

Women are great at ending the relationship for themselves, before they let their partner know how they're feeling. They communicate in hints, riddles and limricks..and if you're not attentive to the signs they give.. the relationship will be over, and you wouldnt know what hit you.

 

But what do I know.. im just a dumpee myself.

 

Give yourself plenty of time to heal, and allow the pain to lessen. Perhaps after a lot of time has passed by, you two can work on a friendship, because I know you won't be able to handle her dating.. and im 98% sure she'll start dating her "friend" of hers..

 

Take care of yourself man

[symbol]

Oh, boy! Well, I was here a little more than 2 years ago... At that time my relationship with my ex was only recently over. We had been together for close to 8 years. When I read your post, I remembered those times. My story was very similar to yours. We started when we were really young (both of us were 17). We went through a lot, we knew each other more than any other person could. 2 years prior to the breakup we started grad school and we had to move away. I was in Midwest and he was on the East Coast, so that's kind of far away. Grad school was way too stressful for me. I failed a couple of qualifying exams, and I was struggling really bad. Looking back, I think I was seriously depressed but I didn't know how to deal with it. I became a very negative person and he had to deal with me. I am pretty sure that I was taking him for granted. I didn't really appreciate the things he did for me. Well, I was under a lot of stress and at the time I had no idea how to tackle with stress. Anyways, as soon as I passed my exams and was ready to start fresh my ex dumped me. It was not at all unexpected, things were not going well for the last couple of years.

 

It took me a loooooong time to really recover from the breakup. Especially since we had been together for so long.

 

The breakup was in November 2005. We haven't talked even once since the breakup. I haven't seen him ever since. We were so close at one point, now we are only strangers. When we first started talking about the breakup, we also thought (actually it was mainly him to think like that) that we had to be in each others' lives in one way or the other. But I don't think we could ever manage it, so we cut all contact instead. I guess it was for the best.

 

Why am I telling you all this? I empathize with you, I feel your pain. Hang in there! It is probably going to be a long walk and you will hurt a lot. But you will learn a lot about yourself and what you want from life. I think things happen for a reason and almost all breakups are for the best for everyone involved. It is just a little hard to accept this at the very beginning. But in the end, you will be thankful.

 

I changed a lot as a person since the breakup and one my best friends even thinks that I'm a better person as a result. It took a lot of reflection on my part and courage. But I made it through. I am sure you will, too.

 

Best of luck to all of you.

Edited January 26, 2008 by symbol

[ALoversTwist]

Most of the time they will think about it for a long time before they do it. Once they do it you never know for sure if it's final with a girl. Because they leave you with mysterious words, instead of the brutal truth. Mine left me with hope.

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

SEDGWIK - thanks for your insight....

I saw on another post that u left someone who was feeling miserable about themselves but wouldnt do anything to better their situation and you couldnt take it any longer....

Thats me! My apathy due to depressed state did that....could be one more reason.

 

Well, to answer your original question, yes, women do rebound..but so do men... however.. in your situation, she is not rebounding.

 

and im 98% sure she'll start dating her "friend" of hers..

-VIVRANTFLO

 

How do you figure shes not rebounding? 9 years.... its been 3 months...it kills me!

And i hope 2% wins it for me...lol

 

 

It took me a loooooong time to really recover from the breakup. Especially since we had been together for so long.

-SYMBOL

 

I have the same feeling its gonna be a long walk...

 

We tried the whole "friends" thing the first 6 weeks....I found it to be torture and got the nerve to tell her that I couldnt really do it now because it was hurting me too much....It was very hard to do I tell you...

Anyways from then till now we have been on LC and NC due to things that we have to take care of because of the apartment.

It been 2 weeks NC right now but im edgy and nervous because i know soon she will call me to finish up what we have to do...then i say goodbye...Thats gonna kill me more...just the thought brings tears to my eyes...

I know she loves me....she just fell out of love with me....

And I know theres absolutely nothing I can do now... Im going to miss her and her mother (which I had a great relationship with...she would confide me everything).

Its going to hurt me greatly when I see her because I know I will once in a while.... We live close by and events and other social happenings etc... we will see each other...

We will speak with eachother, and then I will die again...

 

I hope shes happy someday, and I hope Im happy also...

 

Its going to be really hard for me to find someone like her, but I am also sure that its going to be hard for her to find someone like me.

 

I know Im going to have a wonderful professional future, and thats what I was lacking now for all else to come full circle.... She couldnt wait any longer for me I guess...Everything else I had in me which she looked for and needed.... Great sense of humor, spontenaety, polite-ladies first man, loveable, caring, great help in the home (cooking, cleaning etc...), intelligent, good looking (not braging...lol) and just plain fun to be with...

 

Nobody around me undertands how this is bringing me down so much and everybody misses the real me... Even I do.....Ihope she misses me too....crying........ANGUISHEDandBROKEN

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

I read many threads on here and I see many responses to the likes of....

"You will get better and move on, and eventually find someone more suited for who you are..."

 

The thing here is..... I know shes a whole lot better than I am, and if and when I find somebody more suited for who I am, she will never be as good as she was....I felt the luckiest man in the world becuase I was with her, knowing that I probably didnt deserve her and thats the raw truth.

 

She wasnt the most beautiful person who I was ever with, she was very pretty/cute... but was definately and is the most beautiful person I ever met on the inside and thats what made her so great.

Like I said... she was the most peacefull place I had for my demons, and I cant find one single thing to point out negatively.

 

Help my lost soul please.....

[cant let go]

Well, to answer your original question, yes, women do rebound..but so do men... however.. in your situation, she is not rebounding.

 

Women are great at ending the relationship for themselves, before they let their partner know how they're feeling. They communicate in hints, riddles and limricks..and if you're not attentive to the signs they give.. the relationship will be over, and you wouldnt know what hit you.

 

But what do I know.. im just a dumpee myself.

 

Give yourself plenty of time to heal, and allow the pain to lessen. Perhaps after a lot of time has passed by, you two can work on a friendship, because I know you won't be able to handle her dating.. and im 98% sure she'll start dating her "friend" of hers..

 

Take care of yourself man

 

 

i just want to point out that men can do these things just as easily as women. that's all

[cant let go]

Help my lost soul please.....

 

honey, you will never receive the answers that you seek. the only way to move forward is acceptance. this is not easy by all means. keep posting your feelings but keep trying to find the lesson in all of this. accept this situation as the best for your future and you can find peace. i know it is hard. read my early posts here. my ex is still the perfect guy in my eyes. i will love him forever and unconditionally but i have accepted that this present does not include him as part of my life in that way. we may try to be friends but i can't expect that we will ever get back together and i also can't expect that we will remain friends forever. this new phase of my life is all about ME. this new phase of your life is all about YOU! find that peace and make YOURSELF happy. i know it is not the advice anyone so recently broken wants to hear, but once you are ready to hear it you will find that it truly is the best advice you can find on here.

 

Also read any post on here by Jmina. she is truly one of the most inspirational posters on this board.

[Trecherized]

wow. well that tells me that three months from now i'd be feeling the same as you. my ex and i were also together for that long but we lived for about 3 and a half years together. im only in my mid 20s so we started a lot earlier but it is hard to comprehend how they could just leave after such a long time. i actually bought a house for us to start a family, a lot of things going on to have a really good, acomplished life. for now, we still stay in touch. NC is impossible for the both of us right now.

 

she actually wants to rebuild the relationship. she also said that she wants to stand up on her own two feet. i respect that. i just wished that it didn't have to cost me the love of my life. maybe that's what your ex is feeling as well. just like what you said, you have somewhat become deadweight. well best of luck to you. if you really want to be with her then i guess you'd have to stick it out and see how it ends up.

 

i've been trying to just go back to "normal" living i guess. though normal is with her, i'm starting a life of my own. it's not easy yet i still remain faithful of what the future will bring. still counting on the idea that everything will fall in to place with her by my side. thanks for your story, it actually helped me as well and i hope i also did, even if it's just a bit.

[sandflea]

honey, you will never receive the answers that you seek. the only way to move forward is acceptance. this is not easy by all means. keep posting your feelings but keep trying to find the lesson in all of this. accept this situation as the best for your future and you can find peace. i know it is hard. read my early posts here. my ex is still the perfect guy in my eyes. i will love him forever and unconditionally but i have accepted that this present does not include him as part of my life in that way. we may try to be friends but i can't expect that we will ever get back together and i also can't expect that we will remain friends forever. this new phase of my life is all about ME. this new phase of your life is all about YOU! find that peace and make YOURSELF happy. i know it is not the advice anyone so recently broken wants to hear, but once you are ready to hear it you will find that it truly is the best advice you can find on here.

 

Also read any post on here by Jmina. she is truly one of the most inspirational posters on this board.

 

This is good advice. I think it's also important to mention that over analyzing won't get you anywhere. I think that's what "acceptance" really means. Some how, some way, this was fate's way of clearing your dance card, and getting you to move forward.

 

I hear a lot of folks say, especially after a tragedy, or a breakup "it is what it is". Don't try to understand it - try very hard to force yourself to move forward. Baby steps.

 

As a dumper (who's been a dumpee plenty of times) I can tell you that I'm sure she anguished over this decision. I'm sure it took her a good long time to work up the courage to make the break, and there will always be a sense of guilt, a sense of "what if" in her.

 

It's not easy on either end. Try to find some joy in the fact that you two DID share a part of your lives together, and hold your head high. Your next adventure is waiting! LOL!

 

Peace, my man. Hang in there.

 

SF

[smileysmile]

They displayed abusive behaviors that I knew would never change. I didn't leave them for another guy, I just couldn't put up with them anymore. Talking to them and trying to work on a problem was futile. I just think that they didn't know how to make a good relationship.

 

Hmmm, I don't think I was that bad but bad enough to be dumped. I admit I felt insecure and had issues from my past but people outside my R will think is this the same person we know? It shames me to think that I majorly contributed to my M break up.

 

9 yrs is a hell of a long time. I was in a 12 yr R which ended the beginning of 2001. We were so suited together but she also dumped me but she was also very depressed and at one time suicidal for us breaking up. Of course I was the cause of it.

Now here I am again after being single for 3.5 yrs. Will I learn???

 

This time I have a young D and it is killing me.

The dumper usually has a reason for leaving you whether you know that reason might not be totally clear to you.

My ex has a valid reason as I have quoted above by another poster.

My anger to intolerance or/and frustration and not learning to channel it so as not to have these outbursts. Unwillingness to change or/and seek help.

I wasn't some looney or monster. I don't have problems outside and generally people would say I have many qualities.

I think like most people I have a dark side and I don't understand where it comes from. Something which has developed over time. Maybe as my ex tells me 'ingrained inside me from my youth'.

Hence why I have finally decided to see a counsellor.

 

Sorry for taking over your thread but the part mentioned when the female dumper leaves you for my situation.. she had male attention from a now ex work colleague who found she was separated and pursued her. She of course with low self esteem welcomed this attention and it turned physical.

Yes they are weak and vulnerable and I don't think this will last.

To many reasons why to type here.

I think he is playing on her vulnerabilities. We have a 14 mth old D and I am sure he won't stick around. But time will tell. But I do hate men who do this sort of thing when if they want to genuinely be a friend (which it won't work anyway, needs to be same sex) then be a friend and not play on there emotions. But I guess when your ex like in my situation is feeling undesired etc etc it doesn't matter to her. If he saying the right things then alsorts of things are going to happen. Besides she knew him for 3 years as he worked in the same department.

 

Sorry for taking over

[doingmybest]

A&B, I feel your pain. I am still going through a hard time now, but nothing compared to before when I ended up dragging myself to my parents' house because I couldn't even think straight, let alone look after myself. I thought I was going to go mad with the pain. But I also know that feeling of looking up to your partner too much - and I detect in your posts a feeling of inferiority. That's normal to an extent but I want you to remember all the cool things about yourself and get this show back on the road. It is very important for your self-esteem and all that jazz that you get back to work, and if your depression is getting in the way, that you start looking at your depression as a seperate thing from your break-up/relationship. The only good thing I have to say about splitting up is that it forced me to face so many things about myself that I wasn't aware of. Long-term relationships can sort of inhibit what for convenience's sake i'll call personal development here. I had bad self-esteem problems and still do to an extent and bad depressions which I've since learned to manage - with a good therapist, it's a cliche but true (I've also seen hopeless therapists.) What really also helped me was very cynically writing down a list of all the things my ex gave me and trying to find them elsewhere. You can't replicate some things of course but at least this might give you something to channel your energy into? Good luck anyway. You can do it.

[Jackieboy]

Man, I sympathise with your situation I really do but you have to get a grip of yourself and deal with what's happening here for your own sake.

 

Firstly your self esteem. You ARE a good person with many many, many desirable qualities, if she can't see that its her loss. The only person responsible for your happiness is you, no one else, you. You can and will live a very very happy life without her, she is a preference thats all, you prefer to be with her but you don't need to be with her, what you need is food, water and shelter, those are needs, she is just a preference.

 

Thinking about her all the time will not help your situation one little bit, you must try and get her out of your head or risk becoming obsessed. There are lots of techniques that will work, stay busy, go for a run, see friends, read, do anything that gets her out of your head. She is not thinking about you all the time so why waste one second of your precious life thinking about her?

 

Basically I know it hurts now but it will get easier, I know from first hand experience. Keep your dignity, keep your self esteem, you are worth more and deserve more. Live life for yourself not for another, especially another who does not love you back. Its always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn will break. Good luck.

[vivrantflo]

Well, to answer your original question, yes, women do rebound..but so do men... however.. in your situation, she is not rebounding.

 

and im 98% sure she'll start dating her "friend" of hers..

-VIVRANTFLO

 

How do you figure shes not rebounding? 9 years.... its been 3 months...it kills me!

And i hope 2% wins it for me...lol

 

 

I say she's not rebounding because as I stated earlier..women are good at emotionally disconnecting themselves from a relationship, long before they actually end it... without their SO knowing their change of heart.

 

For example.. if she dumped you in November.. she possibly had doubts about your relationship back in May, or June. Then emotionally ends it (for herself) around September.. so by the time November rolls around.. and there's now a backup plan.. she can end the relationship, and make the quick transition.

 

This may not be the case, but in my humble opinion.. it could be.

 

However.. I am just a dumpee myself, and I call it as I see and experience it.

[SmileyFace82]

I say she's not rebounding because as I stated earlier..women are good at emotionally disconnecting themselves from a relationship, long before they actually end it... without their SO knowing their change of heart.

 

For example.. if she dumped you in November.. she possibly had doubts about your relationship back in May, or June. Then emotionally ends it (for herself) around September.. so by the time November rolls around.. and there's now a backup plan.. she can end the relationship, and make the quick transition.

 

I agree with this because this is exactly what happened to me. I can look back now and see the signs which i probably a) missed or b) chose to ignore. Eitherway, it has cost me the girl i loved, but i guess it's a good lesson for me and anyone else in the same situation and that we know what to do for the next time...

 

As for the first poster, my ex gf had a "friend" too who was there for her (male colleague). I'm not sure if anything started before, during or after the break up but they are still together now 4-5 months on. Sometimes i wonder how she can be so cruel but the longer i have been in NC with her, the more clearer i'm thinking and i now know that i'm better off without her. I'm not sure if it was a rebound or not, but i do believe she had this guy in mind before we split up... someone who can do that to me is just not worth the effort... i wish i knew all this earlier on but like i said above... we all learn from our mistakes and we must become stronger from our experiences.

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

Thank you all once again for the feedback...

 

I came here for good advice and I know thats what Im getting....

Hope someday when Im better i can help others also.

 

 

honey, you will never receive the answers that you seek. the only way to move forward is acceptance. this is not easy by all means. keep posting your feelings but keep trying to find the lesson in all of this. accept this situation as the best for your future and you can find peace. i know it is hard. read my early posts here. my ex is still the perfect guy in my eyes. i will love him forever and unconditionally but i have accepted that this present does not include him as part of my life in that way. we may try to be friends but i can't expect that we will ever get back together and i also can't expect that we will remain friends forever. this new phase of my life is all about ME. this new phase of your life is all about YOU! find that peace and make YOURSELF happy. i know it is not the advice anyone so recently broken wants to hear, but once you are ready to hear it you will find that it truly is the best advice you can find on here.

-CANT LET GO

 

 

It hurts to never get those answers we desperately seek. Maybe not even the dumpers know every single reason.....

Now as for the friendship...that is what I truly seek from her. I just hope that someday I can be with her just like everybody else and not feel weird around eachother. Shes a really special person and a joy to be aound just dont see anything "real" in the near future and that just breaks my heart, to know that others can have the pleasure of her company and I just cant...

 

 

if you really want to be with her then i guess you'd have to stick it out and see how it ends up.

-TRECHERIZED

 

I never posted that I wanted her back. We always had great respect for eachother and still do, so when she decided that it was over I didnt beg and whine, I respected her decision, there was nothing else I could do but cry and hope for a strong frindship in the future.

 

 

This is good advice. I think it's also important to mention that over analyzing won't get you anywhere. I think that's what "acceptance" really means. Some how, some way, this was fate's way of clearing your dance card, and getting you to move forward.

-SANDFLEA

 

Thats one of my problems since the breakup....I know I shouldnt over analyze because it has gotten me nowhere, but with my current situation I have nothing but time to think and rethink about everything. At somepoint I will begin to be busy with things, or get tired of thinking and just forget it or have a serious breakdown....

And I think fate actually cleared her dance card, cause I was lucky to have her, so actually shes the one better off.

 

 

As a dumper (who's been a dumpee plenty of times) I can tell you that I'm sure she anguished over this decision. I'm sure it took her a good long time to work up the courage to make the break, and there will always be a sense of guilt, a sense of "what if" in her.

 

It's not easy on either end. Try to find some joy in the fact that you two DID share a part of your lives together, and hold your head high. Your next adventure is waiting! LOL!

-SANDFLEA

 

I believe she suffered plenty and anguished for a very long time herself before making the decision. She told me on the day of the breakup that she had gone on anti-depressants for the last month just to be able to cope with the idea before she gave it to me, she never spoke to anybody for help or advice, not her mother, not her sister, not her best friend, she stuck it out alone, and so yes it was coming for a long time before. The thought of having her next to me and not saying a word of how she felt and trying to make it work just crushes me, she kept it all inside...What we had was very rooted. I shouldnt have made her suffer this much because she didnt deserve it from me. I feel she grew tired of waiting for the real me...the confident and proud person that I was with a good future lying ahead, I became weak and fell short lately, and my self-esteem and confidence went downhill. She needed my old me and I didnt come through. Yes she may have the sense of guilt and in the future I think she will have the "what if" because I know one day I will be my old strong, confident and proud self that she was just tired of waiting for...I feel like crying again just thinking of why I did this to myself....

And yes I will at least have the joy of knowing that we spent a beautiful moment in our lives together, and as they say..."all in all is all we are" so I know that my future way of being, and hers also, will always have a part of what we learned from eachother...we will be everpresent.

She was very brave and corageous in her decision....like she has always been in life...

 

 

But I also know that feeling of looking up to your partner too much - and I detect in your posts a feeling of inferiority.

-DOINGMYBEST

 

I wasnt like this before, so like I said, I feel thats what she was missing the most in me, and so the deadweight was there, she was not proud of her boyfriend like in old times and so she fell out of love with me...

 

 

You ARE a good person with many many, many desirable qualities, if she can't see that its her loss.

-JACKIEBOY

 

Thing is... she can see, and she knows I have all these qualities. Thats why I feel she was very strong in making her decision, and thats how I know she anguished plenty with the thought of leaving me, and thats how I feel that someday the "what if" will always be lingering in her mind, because I will be back, better and stronger and those other good qualities she knows I have will still remain. But I cant blame her for doing this now....I believe she gave up on me not because she wasnt strong enough to fight for "us" anymore, but because she could not suffer any longer....she dindnt deserve this me......

 

I want her as a great friend in the future and I want her to be happy, if I would have been her friend I wouldnt have made her suffer....friends dont do that.Will that friendship ever be possible? I hope so.....you dont find too many people like this throught life....and I hope wherever she is and with whoever, that she gets all the respect she deserves.

 

Everytime I come on here to write I breakdown and cry like a baby...Im crushed.

 

Thank you for your patience....... A&B