Looking for some thoughts about what hap

[WildCat87]

I just wrote down a few nights ago what hap w a friend a while ago. I have no idea why. This is kinda long. I just want some opinions, thoughts, whatever on the situation.

 

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We met ~5 years ago, back in our second year of high school. A year after we graduated I moved to another state, and we kept in touch by talking on the phone, myspace, and we would talk every day on AIM. Every day. We became really close friends.

 

Years go by, and we've still talked every day, until recently. When I think back on our friendship now, I realise that she wasn't that great. She would forget to call me back like 80% of the times she said she would. A lot of my text messages used to go unanswered as well. I guess I ignored these things as much as possible at the time because I think I was kinda in love with her, but I didn't want to admit it to myself.

 

Another thing I want to point out is that I would have to start our convos over 90% of the time. She would barely ever IM me first. I always had to say "hey" first, and then we'd talk. I got sick of that from time to time, and I brought that up a few times. Each time she would say something like "nuh uh, that's not true."

 

So anyway, fast forward to last month. About a week before Christmas she calls me very early in the morning. She's crying on the phone (over something stupid, that's of no importance), and I talk to her for about an hour, trying to cheer her up and make her feel better. Before she hangs up I ask her to let me know later that day how things turn out. I tell her I'm here for her, as always. She agrees, thanks me, and hangs up.

 

I care about her so much. All day I was thinking about her, worried, hoping everything was good, and waiting to hear from her. Well, the whole day goes by, and nothing. I get on AIM around 9-ish PM, and she's on, so of course I IM her. I ask her if everything's ok. She writes back, asking "Yeaaa why?"

 

I'm thinking to myself WTF?! I remind her that she called me crying that morning, and that I've been worried about her all day, waiting to hear from her, like she promised. She tells me that she had told me earlier on AIM what happened, but I never got anything from her (and to be honest I didn't believe her because she has a long history of forgetting to call and write back). We talk a little more, and she eventually tells me that I care too much, in what felt like a bad tone, like if she was annoyed by me or something. I get kinda pissed, and end that convo a little later, after I write a lenghty message, letting her know that I was pissed. I stopped talking to her then, for a while.

 

So... Christmas comes. I used to always text her or call her exactly at midnight for every holiday and birthday that's come and gone. Obviously this Christmas would be different. I honestly didn't think I would hear from her (because like I said earlier it's always been really rare for her to talk to me first). Anyway, Christmas comes, and I get a comment from her on myspace. It was too nice, especially after what happened a few days before. She said Merry Christmas, and to my family too (they don't even know each other), she said she would have called, but she didn't have her phone at the time, and a smiley face at the end. Weird. I just wrote back "Merry Christmas to you too." Usually I'm the really sweet one, but I just left her a one-liner. I'm sure she picked up on it.

 

New Years. Didn't hear from her at midnight. I'm still ignoring her, sick of her taking me for granted over the years. I'm on AIM later in the day, and around 8 PM she IMs me. "Happy New Years!" I just wrote "u too." I always type out the word 'you,' but that time I wrote 'u' on purpose, like if I didn't care to talk to her. She just replied "ty ty," and logged off. Weird, again.

 

On the 7th, a week later, I get another random IM from her. She tried to start a convo with me 3 times in a month. That's a new record. So anyway, this time she says she needs my number again because she just got her new phone. I just wrote my number, nothing else. She calls me a few seconds later! I pick up, and I'm still upset with her, so I hardly talk. Literally. I must have said 6 words throughout the entire ~10 minute call. She kept telling me to stop being weird. I just ignored it. She eventually understood that I'm not talking to her, and just as she was ready to hang up, she says "Well you have my new number now........... Use it wisely........." I said "whatever," and hung up.

 

About a week later it starts getting really hard. We used to talk EVERY day.

 

I text her at night on the 13th. "I miss talking to you."

 

What an idiot.

 

She writes back about an hour or so later. "Aw just saw your text. I do too never expected for things to get the way they are." I ask her what SHE plans to do about it. She said it's not only up to her. I ask her what happened between us, because she obviously has no clue based on her previous answer. She basically just says "a stupid argument." I reply...

 

"That 'stupid argument' was the last straw. I got sick of being taken for granted, so I stopped talking to you. When you got mad at me for "caring too much" the same day you called me crying, that REALLY hurt."

 

She eventually tells me that she cares a great deal about me and that the last thing she'd ever want is to lose me as a friend.

 

The next night, I text her. She doesn't write back. I'm thinking "not again..." I don't let it get to me though. I wait until the morning to see if she writes back, just in case she was already asleep, or really didn't see it at the time. Nothing all day. I text her again the next night, telling her I forgive her for what happened (even though I didn't really mean that, but I kinda just wanted to put that argument to the side for the time being). Again, she doesn't write back. That girl just doesn't get it.

 

I let a few days go by, and I text her again around 7 AM on the 19th. "So what's the plan? I forgive you and you don't write back... If you want to say something just be honest with me."

 

She doesn't write back again.

 

I'm done. I'm sick of it. Later that day I delete her from my phone, block her on AIM, and delete her from myspace. I was on her top friends list too, so I know she noticed.

 

So now I feel like crap because I lost someone I really liked and cared about. I feel like an idiot too, because I always gave her priority in my life. If she really cares about me and the last thing she would ever want is to lose me as a friend, why haven't I heard from her since then? It seems like she hasn't even noticed anything that's happened... Is she obviously lying about caring about me and telling me I mean a lot to her? She says one thing, and does another. The way I see it is that if she really cared, if she really considers me a close friend, she could AT LEAST write back.

 

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Can I get some thoughts from the ladies here? Thanks.

[ElvenPriestess]

Well the way you describe things, with out remembering you two were just friends it almost gives me the more than friends vibe. But anyways.

 

I don't like inconsiderate people. I really don't. And I think she's been inconsiderate for some time now. I'm sure her moving out of state probably kind of has the friendship drifting apart, as you two don't see each other. But still, she seems to call you when she needs a shoulder and blow you off when she's happy.

 

I'm frankly surprised at her reactions. For example if I called a male friend crying, and then went to get off the phone, asked me to call him later, your darn straight I'd call him back. He was kind enough to be there for me, so why wouldn't I be thoughtful enough to call and update him? AT the very least I would answer his own calls.

 

Have you brought to her attention how inconsiderate she is? That time and time again she doesn't follow through on her word? I'm thinking that after seeing you delete her and everything, if she hasn't called you, wrote you, or anything, I'd say she's either too busy to care, or just stopped caring a long time ago. And given how she's treated the friendship I just plain think she doesn't care anymore.

 

I don't treat my friends like that, and I wouldn't expect them to put up with me being inconsiderate of the friendship. I understand your feelings, and they are validated.

[WildCat87]

Inconsiderate is probably the best word to describe her. I'm glad you see it too, that way I know it's not just me being stupid.

 

I don't want to lose her, even if as just a friend, but I guess that's my only real option, right?

 

(Just a small correction: I moved out of state, not her.)

[ElvenPriestess]

You don't necessarily have to lose her entirely as a friend, it's just apparent she isn't taking the friendship as seriously as you are. So you can keep a line open for her to communicate, just not initiate anymore, and see what happens. Even if communication fades, it doesn't mean you two are completely out of each other's lives. I'd leave the ball in her court.

 

If you want, even tell her how you feel, explain you feel like it's a one sided friendship. And that it doesn't fly with you. Either way, I do recommend leaving the ball in her court. Let her be as good of a friend to you as you've been to her. If it never happens, you'll know she's not the friend you thought she was. Harsh, but reality often is I'm sad to say.

[WildCat87]

If you want, even tell her how you feel, explain you feel like it's a one sided friendship. And that it doesn't fly with you. Either way, I do recommend leaving the ball in her court. Let her be as good of a friend to you as you've been to her. If it never happens, you'll know she's not the friend you thought she was. Harsh, but reality often is I'm sad to say.

 

I've told her how I felt about her and our friendship many MANY times... The ball is definitely in her court, because this time I'm really going to try to not communicate with her, and not give in like last time. I shouldn't even pick up the phone or write back if she tries to talk to me now.

 

Every day that goes by without her showing any interest in me and our friendship hurts, but helps me at the same time.

 

Honestly I don't think she deserves me anymore, but still...

[ElvenPriestess]

You obviously care about her, and of course you care about yourself. SO in the interest of both of you I think you have to leave it in her hands, and let her be. As I said a one sided friendship, just as a one sided relationship, will fail every time. And you giving your all and her giving maybe 2% will just make you feel like you're wasting your time.

 

I know it's hard to see a friendship slip away, but if it's something that's meant to be she will open her eyes and recall what a wonderful friend you are. And if this friendship just doesn't have the glue to hold together, as sad as it sounds, you have to accept that too.

 

Hang in there, and seek out the friendships you know are true. Spend time with your good friends, focus on those relationships more and this one sided one less. It'll feel bad that it;s slipping away, but feel worse to put your all in when you realize there are other friendships to which your time could have gone.

[WildCat87]

Thanks. Everyone else I've talked to about this has told me pretty much the same thing too.

 

Think it would be "right" for me to ignore her if she, given the 2% chance, decides to communicate with me in the near future? It's definitely what she deserves...

[ElvenPriestess]

No, only because she can't reconcile if you do that, and I believe that's what you want right? The thing is, if she calls and is like hey how are you, I miss talking, bla bla, great! Now if the only time you hear from her is, whine whine, complain about life need to vent, call her out. Tell her you're sick of the only time she calls is for this, that unless she needs something she isn't in communication. And se how she reacts to it.

[WildCat87]

Well I'm kinda torn. I obviously really care about her and miss her, so my heart wants her back in my life. My mind... the opposite, because I realize she hasn't been that good to me. I don't know who to listen to. This whole situation should have never happened if she really cares about me, like she says.

[ElvenPriestess]

Well, you know what I think you should do.

And I think dwelling on it too much will drive you crazy. It's one of those things you have to decide if you have enough patience to deal with. And if it's worth it. And the possibility that nothing will come of it.

[Patch1]

First off, todays relationships are not easy.

IM's - Text - email - AIM - MSN - Facebook etc, have made this part of our lives a lot less personal. The world is closing in around us and there is too much information for us to process accurately.

 

25 years ago you had a few friends you hung out with and shared lifes ups/downs. Today, the situations are expanded into 10,20 50 people now involved in situations and everyone has their own opinion. The problem is that people now have more choices and will seek out those that fit what they want to hear and not what they NEED to.

 

On facebook you may put up _Bob Smith is sad today_ in your profile and a few of you 563 contacts will ask you whats going on and not that they all really care but they will ask anyways...The other 559 contacts "friends" dont give a crap. The person that will give you the best response will be in arms reach of you and will end up getting over looked.

 

Friends talk face to face and are honest with each other, they are rare to find and nobody has 563.

[Mary3]

I feel like you irritate her to the point of not caring . She is very inconsiderate and your best response is to go NC with her so you can put your true feelings into perspective and hers.

 

She honestly does not care much about you in many ways . Since you really know this and have asked a Forum to confirm it : She really does not care.

 

You have invested FAR too much into this so called friend. And then you tell her MANY times ( as you have stated ).....A real friend would just be there for you , you would not have to harass or yell or complain to get their attention.

 

I feel you have disected and over analyzed this to death. Let it go. Let her go. She is messing with you emotionally. She does not care. She only * cares * when she feels like it.