daphne Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 After making mostly good decisions about relationships in the past, I have now decided to screw up my record. I took back a guy from last year, after much begging and promising, and saying he would go to therapy. He had a rebound immediately after we broke up. At least that's what he said although he met her while we were still together so I know he cheated. He looked me in the eye and lied the entire time we were together. I broke up with him by going full no contact the day after christmas when I found his myspace page and saw how many women (a few hundred) he was hooking up with. Less than 2 weeks later, I called my ex of a year and a half ago. He made the decision to move away to get away from our city. He had written me once while I was with the most recent ex, but I was somewhat aloof and had moved on after a year of seperation. I didn't call him the first tiem I broke up with the last guy. But this time I was gutted, felt foolish for taking the guy back when all of the signs pointed to him being a royal piece of crap. He was so responsive and caring, I poured it all out to him. He was protective and invited me 3 times to come see him in a ski resort area. I agreed, as I wanted to get away. 2 days later I got cold feet. He talked me into it. I told him I could only offer friendship right now as I was pretty screwed up over the liar. He agreed. So off I went. He lit up when he saw me. I was exhausted and emotionally drained, and somewhat aloof because seeing him again reminded me of how he hurt me by leaving in the first place. We had a really good time. He treated me like a princess. He took care of me, like he used to. Attentive, sweet, caring. Better than he was the first time, honestly. But we didn't get romantic. I noticed that when I began to reciprocate and get a little affectionate with him, he'd do something to push me away a little. So I pulled back. Until the night before I was leaving. I wanted to go to bed and watch tv, after we had a really nice dinner out. He came with me. he should have gone home, but he didn't. He kept saying he had to go, but never did. So we held hands and cuddled. I told him he could stay if he wanted, but that I wasn't interested in sex. He then chose to tell me that he was "seeing someone" and that it wouldn't be fair to her if he stayed. This was after he told me that we were both adults about cuddling in bed together. I was confused and highly upset. He should have told me this to begin with and I told him his behavior was shady. He said she was aware that I was in town. Then why did I not know? He said because I said we were going to be friends and that he didn't think it was important. When I called him the first time, he was calling me pet names that we used to call each other. I know it wasn't his sole interest to help out a friend. SHE knew but I DIDN"T? My guess is that he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't come. He spent 4-5 days with me, and his girlfriend's ok with it? He even said that he hadn't done anything with me that he wouldn't tell her. I asked him to leave and didn't see him the next day before I left. He didn't want to go, and wanted to at least spend time with me the next day, but I was in shock. I never expected this guy to pull something so shady. He was the good guy. That's why I went to see him. Cry on his shoulder, get validation, see if there was anything still there. We had a discussion about me moving out to where he was. He was pushing for it, without saying the words to get back together. I emailed him and thanked him for the good time, and that I was glad that he was happy. I haven't heard from him since, but I suppose I will eventually. I feel rejected, deceived, and shocked by his behavior. Why would he treat me like a princess, talk me into going out there, talk about me moving out there, if he's got a girlfriend???? To me, she can't be terribly important or he wouldn't risk losing her. Can someone please tell me what's going on? He said he didn't want to mislead me, but I don't think I mislead myself?
norajane Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) He would have cheated on his girlfriend with you if you had been so inclined. He says otherwise, but I think you know better... We had a discussion about me moving out to where he was. He was pushing for it, without saying the words to get back together. So, he has a girlfriend and yet he's angling to get you out there so he can just dump her (although probably still dating her until you got out there)? He may have been the 'good guy' before, but he's not so much now - he's not above using deception to get what he wants. Anyway, it doesn't matter. You'd be using him as your rebound, so it likely wouldn't last long. Edited January 25, 2008 by norajane
Author daphne Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 NJ, I'm not so sure he would have cheated on her. That was my first thought, but the problem is when I asked him to stay he said he couldn't because he was seeing someone else. Why did he choose to tell me then? Was it because I implied I wasn't up for sex? This seems so counter to his nature that I have a hard time believing it. It felt like he was waiting for somehting to happen, but when I told him he could stay he couldn't go through with it. About the angling part, yes. That's my guess. Or at least keep her until there's some sort of a commitment for me to move. I'm thinking he doesn't want to let her go if I'm only after a rebound. And for the record, I wasn't simply out for a rebound. I was over him, but seeing how awful the last guy was reminded me of how good the other guy was (well, except the leaving me part. that sucked) to me. I guess in a way I had been waiting for him to grow up and realize that I was the one he wanted. I had moved on, but still wanted him to come back around. Yes, it's clear he's not above lying to get what he wants. After everything that he knows about hte last guy, I'm in total shock. I know we had a deep connection for such a short relationship, but it still doesn't justify his behavior.
norajane Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 And for the record, I wasn't simply out for a rebound. I was over him, but seeing how awful the last guy was reminded me of how good the other guy was (well, except the leaving me part. that sucked) to me. That's pretty much what a rebound is...transferring your interests to someone else right after a break-up. You were so over him while you were with your last bf, and now suddenly, you're thinking how great he is? That's the rebound mentality talking. Yes, it's clear he's not above lying to get what he wants. After everything that he knows about hte last guy, I'm in total shock. I know we had a deep connection for such a short relationship, but it still doesn't justify his behavior. It's the lying that should be the huge red flag to you - it's a clear one. He lied to you (by omitting some relevant facts) to get you to spend the week with him, and he lied to his gf (you know he did, one way or another) so he could see you for a week.
oppath Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 It's the lying that should be the huge red flag to you - it's a clear one. He lied to you (by omitting some relevant facts) to get you to spend the week with him, and he lied to his gf (you know he did, one way or another) so he could see you for a week. Yep. And lying by omission is manipulative. Would you have spent that much time with him if you knew he had a girlfriend? No. Maybe his girlfriend would allow him to see you if he told him you were in town, but would she let him hang out with you 4-5 days straight? No way. That is manipulative. Is that why it hurts? You went from one lying cheater to someone else who wasn't forthright? Understand that lying has nothing to do with you and your worth. It is frustrating. How could she not come up in conversation? Because he was trying to manipulate you somehow. That's all you need to know to boot him from your life.
Author daphne Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 NJ, Gotcha. Yes, I knew I was transfering my feelings. I figured it would be a lot less painful if it didn't amount to anything than the nightmare of realizing what an idiot I was for not seeing through the last guy. Getting over the first guy was hard, however, since I always thought he was a good guy. Except the fact that he lied to me in the beginning to get me into a relationship when he was planning on leaving. Oppath, Yes, he can be slightly manipulative. Selfish too. No, I probably wouldn't have gone to see him if I had known he had a girlfriend. He knew that. That's why he lied. I already had cold feet and wouldn't have wanted to deal with the awkwardness. It hurts for the reasons you stated. I had pretty strong feelings for that guy, unlike the last guy. It was based on what I believed to be a mutual respect and caring for each other. I know that even a friend (female or truly platonic) would have mentioned seeing someone. I do believe that he does care about me. I don't think he would have gone out of his way to take care of me in this situation if he didn't. I just think that he has a lot of growing up to do. He hurts when he makes poor decisions. I've seen him. He just hasn't learned to do the right thing without thinking about it.
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