babygrl406 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We each have a daughter and they both live with us. He has custody of his daughter because her mother is unfit. I recently just found out that he has been sleeping with his childs mother. I had always had a suspicion because after we had been together for about 5 months she called me up and told me that they had slept together. I confronted him and he denied it. He said he loved me and he would never cheat on me. He always talked about how discusting she was and what a bad mother she was and I didn't really believe it because I know who she is and she is pretty crazy so I thought she was just making it up to get us to fight and try to get him back. Well I ended up hearing it from another person a month ago so I confronted him and he ended up admitting everything. He said over the past year he has slept with her about 4 times and the last time was in september. He cried and said he would never do it again, and begged for me to forgive him. I am really hurt, my heart is broken. I thought we were happy together. Now I am just questioning everything. I mean how can this man look at me and tell me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and be a family but at the same time go behind my back and cheat on me this whole time. I want to forgive him and move on but I can't atop thinking about what he has done to me, and now I don't have any trust for him. He swears it will never happen again but how can I believe him.
daphne Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Yes. Yes. Yes. I think in very rare instances, when the person goes back to the ex once out of confusion when the new relationship is very new, the person can stop themselves and not do it again. He's been doing it for a year. Trust me on this. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Spare yourself the heartache. If you continue with him, you are essentially giving him carte blanche to do what he wants and then you'll be angry at yourself for giving him another chance. Expect better.
norajane Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 And did he mention WHY he was cheating on you the whole time? What was his excuse? And why haven't they had sex these last few months? Or do you think he might be lying to you about the last time they had sex and how often they had sex? He made choices, many of them over the past year, to cheat, to deceive, to hide, to lie, AND to make it seem like he was disgusted by her when he was actually still with her. I would find it very hard to believe anything he says at this point, much less to trust him again. He's not done with his ex yet, and she's not done with him. You can try and rebuild the trust, but the foundation has cracked and won't ever be the same again.
Author babygrl406 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I asked him how he could do this to me and he said he didnt know why he did it. He said he was just being stupid, and not thinking. I asked him what his intentions were. Was he planning on getting back with her, did he still have feelings for her? He said he didn't have any feelings for her and he would never get back with her. I asked him why it stopped and he said he realized how much I meant to him and wanted to make it work. I want to believe him so bad, I really do but I don't know if I ever can. I'm never going to trust him. I mean this whole time he's been doing this. How could he look me in the eye and lie to me this whole time. I'm so hurt, I really thought he was the one. I thought he truly loved me and what hurts the most is children are involved. My daughter loves him to death.
norajane Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 How could he look me in the eye and lie to me this whole time. That's the key, isn't it? You've learned something about the kind of guy he is, and it's not encouraging. What's worse is that he said he was just being stupid. If he's that stupid as to risk your relationship and lie to your face about it, then he's too stupid to deserve you. And there's no guarantee he won't be stupid again, since he apparently has little control over his stupidity.
daphne Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 baby, My ex told me he was being immature. Looked me in teh eye and if he was talking, he was lying. He said I was worth fighting for. He cheated on me in the beginning, he cheated on me after I took him back. He never stopped. Not all guys are this extreme, but I dont' put any creedence in any guy once they've broken the trust. He's a liar. Period.
NSU Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 He is not over the ex no matter what he says. I do believe he loves you, but there are still some issues that he needs to work out with his ex until he can move on. Personally, I don't know what the issues are and perhaps it is something you can talk to him further about, but this guy is not ready for a relationship. Hopefully he can still be in your daughter's life if they have a bond that you do not want to break and if he is willing to do so.
sandflea Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We each have a daughter and they both live with us. He has custody of his daughter because her mother is unfit. I recently just found out that he has been sleeping with his childs mother. I had always had a suspicion because after we had been together for about 5 months she called me up and told me that they had slept together. I confronted him and he denied it. He said he loved me and he would never cheat on me. He always talked about how discusting she was and what a bad mother she was and I didn't really believe it because I know who she is and she is pretty crazy so I thought she was just making it up to get us to fight and try to get him back. Well I ended up hearing it from another person a month ago so I confronted him and he ended up admitting everything. He said over the past year he has slept with her about 4 times and the last time was in september. He cried and said he would never do it again, and begged for me to forgive him. I am really hurt, my heart is broken. I thought we were happy together. Now I am just questioning everything. I mean how can this man look at me and tell me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and be a family but at the same time go behind my back and cheat on me this whole time. I want to forgive him and move on but I can't atop thinking about what he has done to me, and now I don't have any trust for him. He swears it will never happen again but how can I believe him. This is perhaps the best article I've ever seen on cheating and adultery. Give it a read - it goes through the motivations, the grief, the guilt, etc. http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html Incidentally, while I believe a cheater can come around - it's a long road, and once that trust has been violated, it's hard to get it back. But, yeah - if he strayed, he'll probably do it again. Hang in there. FWIW - no one deserves to be cheated on.... SF
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