LoveLace Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) I"m back!! It's been a while...finally through with being internet-less! If you remember Dan, well damit he's still in the picture...well, sord of...1st read this last note I left him and I'll explain: Dear Dan, I accepted your offer to give me a ride to work last night. I expected you to follow through with this. But after entertaining you all evening, you went back on the favor. Do you treat all friends this way, or only me? Do you feel that promises get me into bed? Because they don't, YOU do! I can't seem to get rid of you, nor can I have more of you. So please be fair and either end this or evaluate your behavior. A lot of something might make up for this; this doesn't include calling and pretending like it never happened. Dan and I hung out shortly before XMAS time. It was starting to feel more like a frequent thing. But I was upset when he didn't even call on New Years Eve (though I had fun anyway!). He has no cell phone right now. I left a couple messages with his brother at home. A couple weeks later, he leaves a note at my door "Just stopping by to say hi...I'm out"...and leaves his phone number, as if I don't have it!? A couple days later I attempted to get him at home again- nothing. Finally one night last week he calls. I went over to his house. I told him, this is the last time you can just fly in and out of my life as much as you feel like. We talked and he said he doesn't want a girlfriend - said he loved once and he never will again. But said he likes me a LOT. So I said well, we just want different things then. But you have to forget my number, forget about me so I can move on. BUT....I'm thinking if it's always just been sex, why not get it 1 more time? At 1st he even said we probably shouldn't be doing this. But oh no, I wanted it still. He spent the night and the next morning I laid there next to him...thinking I love how he just lets me throw my legs over him like he's a jungle gym. That morning, I stupidly made plans to have lunch with him. But he wanted to get cleaned up 1st, so I took him home and said he'd call in an hour. No call. Went back to his house and knocked. No answer. Oh well. I told him it was over anyway. (he later said he got violently ill and fell asleep...whatever... I was half sad but not really. I felt empowered by dumping him. And what does he do? He calls, a few nights ago. He acted like any other day, and we agreed to drinks. While out, I said "didn't I just dump you?"...he kinda laughs and says, "Yea you were pissed". ...that night we talked about our 1st date, when we 1st met, and he was constantly complimenting me on my personality, commenting on our common interests. He was slow dancing with me. Every time we have together seems to exude more and more chemistry. We stare into each other's eyes. BUT....I was stressing over a ride to work the next morning, cuz the car was in the shop. He said "I'll take you to work, your my friend and I'll give you a ride". I reminded him how early it would be, but he insisted. A few hours and very passionate sex later, he drops me off and kisses me goodbye, deeply. I said "I thought you were taking me to work?" He says...oh no I cant, I have things going on so I can't spend the night. I wasn't mad about not spending the night...I was mad that he made an empty promise. So the next day, I wrote the note above and left it on his car. No response yet. Should I assume he's ending it finally? Does it say something that he came back after I told him I want a boyfriend? If I look back on that last night together, I was truly starting to feel some real chemistry. Is that why I was so disappointed later? Did I over react? He blurted, "Don't be mad at me!", as I got out and slammed the car door. Edited January 25, 2008 by LoveLace
Lucasarts Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 wow. So Dan has complete control over you and your decisions. well thats what i got from the letter. Also, depending on the character of Dan, he knows that he's in the position of power and will abuse it.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) Lovelace, I've been through enough guys with you that I don't feel I am making assumptions or snap judgments at this point. Your letter is neither mean nor to the point. You've had the power to get rid of Dan all along, you've just chosen not to. Go back and read your post again. Your words and your actions are not in tandem, they negate each other. You want more of Dan and keep trying to get more through a physical relationship. He wants only a physical relationship and the "chemistry" is being used in his favor to achieve exactly what he wants. It's really very simple, although it took a long time for me to finally "get" it myself. In general people will take everything you will give them. Especially if you don't demand equality in return. You are not asking for Dan's respect through your actions (actions speak louder than words) and Dan is not giving you respect in return. I understand being lonely. I understand feeling that you need a partner of some sort to feel whole. I have done what you do to a large extent. But what they say about being happy alone before you will find happiness with another is true. Maybe it's time to truly put men of any kind to the side and figure out why your choices in men are not working out. Just love yourself for awhile and look within for some answers. I promise you have the answers, but you might need some help finding them. Seriously give yourself a break, and stay away from Dan! He's not good to you or for you. No goodbye sermons or letters, "just fly out of his life." he knows the score, but will only try to lull you back in when he's horny. Edited January 25, 2008 by dropdeadlegs
Author LoveLace Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Yea well, I've had the last 11 years to be alone and be happy by myself. That's been long accomplished. I did ridicule him for being disrespectful that one night. He said sorry I didn't mean to disrespect you. He acted so surprised that I was mad at him, I don't get that. As if a guy doesn't know what he's doing. I'm perfectly happy by myself, but I still yearn for affection and attention like anybody else. I'm 31...god the sexual peak is here and there's no one to enjoy it with? (well, except for Dan). Beleive it or not, not everybody has someone out there for them. Not everybody finds love. I'm going to be one of those people.
Trialbyfire Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Lovelace, you can't expect an FWB to treat you like a g/f. Stop empowering him to treat you like crap. Walk.
Trimmer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Lovelace, you can't expect an FWB to treat you like a g/f. Stop empowering him to treat you like crap. Walk. But the "F" in "FWB" stands for "friend"... I'm not even sure he meets that standard: ....I was stressing over a ride to work the next morning, cuz the car was in the shop. He said "I'll take you to work, your my friend and I'll give you a ride". I reminded him how early it would be, but he insisted.... A few hours and very passionate sex later, he drops me off and kisses me goodbye, deeply. I said "I thought you were taking me to work?" He says...oh no I cant, I have things going on so I can't spend the night. Sex and everything aside, if a friend did that to me, I would seriously consider whether he was even a friend. He blurted, "Don't be mad at me!", as I got out and slammed the car door. You don't have an FWB, you have a DWWB. (Dipweed with benefits...) And I further agree with all these posters. He will take what you give him, he is using his charm, chemistry, whatever you call it, to get a booty call from you, and he is not even giving you anything (but the big pork sausage) in return. If you write down an "advantages" and "disadvantages" list, it seems like sex is in the "advantages" list and everything else - from ambivalence to disrespect - is on the other side. Is the sex alone worth everything else you are putting up with?
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 He will take what you give him, he is using his charm, chemistry, whatever you call it, to get a booty call from you, and he is not even giving you anything (but the big pork sausage) in return. If you write down an "advantages" and "disadvantages" list, it seems like sex is in the "advantages" list and everything else - from ambivalence to disrespect - is on the other side. Is the sex alone worth everything else you are putting up with? Wow, very well put.
spookie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) I don't get it. You sound like a smart woman. You can string together words intelligibly, support yourself, be a good friend, pursue your education. So what about this situation is so hard to understand? This guy is a user and he is seriously disrespecting you in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. Not only is he using you for sex and insulting yoru intelligence with his lies (like regarding the phone thing) but he's also abusing your kindness and your friendship. I almost feel like you're such a nice person that you can't fathom how anyone else can treat a human being like s!ht, so you assume, when it happens to you, that you're misunderstanding something, somehow reading the signs wrong. You're not! I am embarrassed for you when I read your posts because you are so nice but so DUMB, so GULLIBLE. I know that's harsh, but I like you, Lovelace, even though I don't often post in your threads, and it makes me sad that someone as wonderful as you has given up years and years (and continues to do so) to be a piece of meat to user *********s like this one. Get some common sense, girl. Edit: Oh, and your attempt at spelling out to him what he is doing wrong is completely pointless. Believe me, he knows; he just doesn't CARE. The reason he can continue to be such a piece of s!ht user is because women like you enable him. Edited January 25, 2008 by spookie
Author LoveLace Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Thanks for your compliments, Spookie. Your all right, I know. And again Spookie your right, because I can't fatham it all. Oh well, chances are he might think I'm wacky right now so I'd doubt he'll call anytime soon anyway. But even then, his predictable routine is to give me time to cool off and try to come back in a week or 2. That'll be the fun part, when I resist him to my best ability, while my body screams "horny!" at the same time. I know he'll be back because he always is...but if not then maybe he's finally convinced that I'm not worth the trouble since I keep wanting more from him. I just wonder why a guy would come back in the 1st place, after a girl says "I want you to be my boyfriend"...isn't that supposed to scare off a guy who doesn't want committment? I thought for sure that it would. Well, maybe it has as of now. Which would be for the better. So after straight up telling each other we want different things, he still made the conscious decision to string me along anyhow? I mean, our most recent conversations have been pretty involved "get to know ya" type conversations. It appeared they were happening quite naturally, he's pretty open about himself for the most part, it just seems hard to fake that...and he grew to be a lot more attentive to hearing me talk about myself as well. All just for booty? I can't say he's never done anything for me, he's taken me out and spent bucko bucks on me, it's just that I want flowers and mushy crap here and there. Funny thing is, he totally comes off as a romantic, but he lacks in proving it. I told him, "I want to be treated like I'm extra special"....is that not reasonable? He said, "I don't treat anyone like their extra special"....but I'm not supposed to be just anyone after 2 years of our on/off again history...that's my opinion...oh well thanks all.
oppath Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 I don't get it. You sound This guy is a user and he is seriously disrespecting you in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. Not only is he using you for sex and insulting yoru intelligence with his lies (like regarding the phone thing) but he's also abusing your kindness and your friendship. I almost feel like you're such a nice person that you can't fathom how anyone else can treat a human being like s!ht, so you assume, when it happens to you, that you're misunderstanding something, somehow reading the signs wrong. This describes how my last gf treated me and my traits as well. I did enable her to disrespect me and treat me bad. And when I stood up for it, she was shocked I'm sure, but mostly she just didn't care. Lovelace, Dan will never give you the extra intimacy you want. He's only still in your life because you allow it. That is the only reason. I know what you want: you want him to take responsibility for your pain because "how could someone who claims to care treat me like this." I agree, he is being selfish. But the only reason he is in your life is because you let him. Stop calling him. Stop going to dinner. You don't have to burn any bridges or announce it. Just disappear. If you run into him, that's great, but don't make someone a priority who only considers you and option.
Author LoveLace Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 So Dan called last night. I answered, because if he was responding to the note, I wanted to hear it. He began the discussion almost immediately. We each interpreted the incident differently. He thought I was angry about him not spending the night. He said that he still planned to drive me to work the next day, he just wasn't going to the spend the night...but said he didn't get the chance to explain that because I threw my fit and went inside before he could. I stuck to my point of view and he stuck to his...neither would budge. I was impressed at how we handled it though...we debated and discussed without hostility or raising our voices. (he isn't the type to raise his voice anyway)...I was also impressed that he even wanted to talk about it in the 1st place. He wanted to talk more in person. So he came over. I asked if he thought the note was mean; he said no, but still felt it was "uncalled for". We chalked it up to a misunderstanding. When he got here we got comfortable and he said "talk to me"...about what I asked. "Anything you want", he said. So we started some catch-up chat and he talked about his love for cooking...asked what I want him to cook for me sometime. Anyway, we talked a while, fooled around some, talked more, fooled around some more; the talking added up to hours...in fact I thought he'd never shut up while I tried to sleep! We already said once that when we start scr*wing it's like we can't stop...now it feels the same with talking. He laid close to me all night long (nothing new) but if he knew that I was cold, he got closer. We talked about everything from our parents to sports to music to swapping stories about ex's and losing our virginity. Through the night he would repeat "I would have taken you to work, LL...I would have taken you..."...the day I left his note on the car, it snowed later, so it was frozen when he found it...said he thawed it out so he could read it...kinda funny I thought. FWB, 2 lonely people, 2 horny people, whatever ya wanna call it...I can't ignore the growing chemistry I feel and I'm enjoying it....the way he talks, he doesn't have plans to ditch me anytime soon. I dont' sit around and think of marrying the guy, but I'm sure starting to feel a way I never expected to feel about him now.
Author LoveLace Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 ..sorry I got interupted just now... Anyway, I don't know what's going on with him now as far as feelings, but last night it was like...like he was just happy. Happy to be with me, happy to talk and listen with me. You all think I'm crazy don't you? I'm surprised right now, myself, I swear. Because for the longest time it seemed our chemistry could never go beyond physical, and now it feels like a blossoming friendship...sorry to sound like a hallmark card. We laugh, play, talk and can't seem to keep our hands off each other. I can still say he's not the cutest guy, but he's sexy to me for my own reasons. We all sat here and concluded he didn't care about my feelings, but after last night I'm starting think he must at least a little. ?....I did admit that my slamming the car door and running inside was a little babyish...when instead I could have stayed calm and tried to talk about it more. He said it made him upset that I accused him of running out on me, while I was doing the same just then. I'm a person who's to quick to criticize the actions of others without realizing I could modify myself sometimes. Thanks for reading and responding. Guess we'll see what happens.
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