p0ppabear Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) So, I was the dumpee, on Dec 1st 2007. She initiated the break up, because I was going through rough times, and instead of leaning on her for support, I slowly pushed her away. She felt like anything she did, could not make me happy. We are having LC, but it's mostly me initiating it. She doesn't want to even see me, until she's "ready". I told her, this is something that she needs to get over, if we are ever to even be friends. We definitely don't have any animosity towards each other, she just doesn't think that I'll ever treat her right. The last time we talked I stated, "when you're ready to work hand-in-hand in this, and reconcile our friendship, give me a call." Since the break up, I have recognized this fault, and vow to never do this again. My ex thinks, that it's not fair, that I recognize this after the break up, and also said there will be many rough times ahead, and is afraid I will revert to this same behavior. Is there anything I can do, to get her over this, realize that I'll never do that again, and win her back? I am guessing NC for a while, and also trying to just be her friend again, and seeing if anything can pursue from there. Any help and suggestions would be nice. Edited January 24, 2008 by p0ppabear
SeraBella Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Some people can't be friends after a breakup. They say they will still remain friends, but in actually they just can't. It's too hard, too many feelings remain, and it just becomes unhealthy and painful. Respect what she's said and follow it. If she wants you do leave her alone, do that. If the relationship is really over in her mind, you can't win her back. The way you left it, you need to leave her be. She wants to heal from this. Some people can't get over the past, and perhaps you don't realize just how badly you actually hurt her. You say she needs to get over it, but it's obviously not as simple as just getting over it for her.
Author p0ppabear Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 So you're saying, there's no way for me to bring her back? =(
oppath Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I don't know if you can bring her back or not. What I do know, is saying "she just needs to get over it" is misplaced. She is hurt. If she tells you "It's too soon to be friends, I am not ready" you really risk hurting her more by even contacting her. My ex tried to be my friend despite me repeatedly telling her I could not do it. I asked her four times in a 2 week period not to contact me until I was ready. To her, that was immature. I needed that space. It was for me, not because of her (even though I was angry). I needed a minimum of 2-3 months, no contact from her. She wasn't giving it to me -- she was just trying to be nice in her eyes -- and all it did was lead me to blow up at her. Then it was all my fault. I was not ready. Your ex is not ready. If she is telling you to give her space, give her space. That is a need. She will let you know when she is ready -- if ever -- to be friends. If she is ready to hang out with you, THEN when you see her face to face, if you want her back, tell her "I am sorry. I've worked on these things and changed. I want another chance." But unless she seeks you out and says "I'm ready to talk to you" please, give her space. All you are doing is hurting her and it is quite selfish. If someone says "I am not ready" they mean it.
Author p0ppabear Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 You sound very sincere, and I truly to understand. The only thing I'm concerned about, is there is another guy, that is actively pursuing her. She has told me, that they are just friends, and yes he does have a thing for her, but she's not looking for anything, and hasn't moved on from me. I'm sure he's filling the void for her, and she's using it to her advantage. Should I be concerned?
SeraBella Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 You sound very sincere, and I truly to understand. The only thing I'm concerned about, is there is another guy, that is actively pursuing her. She has told me, that they are just friends, and yes he does have a thing for her, but she's not looking for anything, and hasn't moved on from me. I'm sure he's filling the void for her, and she's using it to her advantage. Should I be concerned? Perhaps there's reason to be concerned, but I'm sorry to say, it really is out of your control. He may just be a friend to her, he may be a rebound. You've told her to call you when she's ready. That's where the ball lies...in her court. If she's ever ready and wants to reconcile, she will. When my heart was broken, I'd often seek other men to help me get over it. They were short flings. Nothing lasting, ever. And often during that time all I thought about was my ex, which was the main reason I was unable to have more than a fling. You need to use this time to heal as well. Spend time with friends, find new activities, keep yourself busy doing other things you enjoy. Who knows, in time, you may even find that, while you love(d) her deeply, she wasn't the right one for you and you'll have a greater sense of yourself. You may also find that in a few weeks, months, she is contacting you and wanting to be friends or more. Only time will tell.
Author p0ppabear Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Yeah, it doesn't look good. She's pretty much hit her limit, and is emotionally drained. She has been dating since she's 15, and now she's 23. She's tired of living her life, to make her SO happy, and wants to focus on herself. I think this has much to do with her age, where she's developing her character, self-esteem, and nitch in life. I know she still loves & cares about me, but that isn't enough to want to be with someone. Once you hit your limit, that's pretty much it.
SeraBella Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Well, you know what's going on, now you just need to respect it. As someone who loves her, you should be glad that she is focusing on herself for a bit. Developing a sense of self is so very important in life. I have friends who have never done that and they are miserable. She deserves this time. I'm sure you're a great guy. You'll make lots of women happy. If being in a relationship is what you need, then seek one. But maybe you should follow in line with her and try to develop your own sense of self. We all need time alone to develop.
Author p0ppabear Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 (edited) I'm pretty well developed, as far as self-esteem and other traits. I just wish she was more developed, and able to realize, this mistake was something I made in grave error, realized my fault, and have fixed it. Yes, it was at her expense, and at my convenience, but I still think it's unfair, that she never sat me down, and talked to me about it. She would bring it up casually, during arguments, and to me, that's not enough. If someone brings up something casually, you tend to take it causal, and not so serious. If I knew how damaging this was to her sense of self, of course I would have taken action immediately. It is what it is, and nothing I can do to change her mind. I just wish she'd realize what she's throwing away, and put in more effort. Not to point fingers or anything of that nature. I am respecting her space, and leaving her alone 100%. She does have to realize though, that this issue, won't go away with time. The pain from something, never goes away. The only thing time gives you, is a clear view on everything. I told her, "if you want this to be worked out, we need to work hand-in-hand to work it out. When you're ready to be friends, reconcile, and work on this, give me a call." I think even with her responding to my request, to meet up, I should still leave her alone, and not press the issue. I really don't think she wants to work it out, and be with me ever again. Do you guys think, that this wall she's built, can ever be torn down, and be turned into a healthy relationship again? Or, do women stick to their guns, and once they've decided "it's over", is it truly over? Edited January 26, 2008 by p0ppabear
82knightrider Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Great thread.I was in a similar situation.Your best bet is to leave her alone for a LONG time and focus on yourself.
Author p0ppabear Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Great thread.I was in a similar situation.Your best bet is to leave her alone for a LONG time and focus on yourself. What is the reason for this knightrider? She text me last night, for our would be 1 yr anniversary. We talked, and she told me how much she loves/cares for me still, and can't rid herself of these feelings. I also told her, "are you not willing to work it out, for principle, or doing the right thing?" She replied, "principle". I said, "well, you should never put your principles/pride before your love." I left it at that. Now she wants to meet Tuesday for dinner. Yes or no?
ALoversTwist Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 What is the reason for this knightrider? She text me last night, for our would be 1 yr anniversary. We talked, and she told me how much she loves/cares for me still, and can't rid herself of these feelings. I also told her, "are you not willing to work it out, for principle, or doing the right thing?" She replied, "principle". I said, "well, you should never put your principles/pride before your love." I left it at that. Now she wants to meet Tuesday for dinner. Yes or no? I would say yes, this might be your chance to say how sorry you are, and how you have changed, and you realized how much of a mistake you made. But I am in the same situation, I messed up after 1 year and 6mnth relationship, she's been trying to push me away, but every time we start talking we start dating again. So now she has said she loves/cares for me and has a place in her heart for me, but for the next 4 years(college) she wont be dating anyone. I don't agree with some of the things she did to me, left me confused, and she left me with HOPE, that's something you don't do to a guy, even though it hurts to say to someone, "I don't ever want to date you again" I rather her say that, then feed me biscuits and me keep wanting her back in my life. For you I would just go for it. Stay out of the friend zone though, by doing that it makes her think that her leaving you is okay, and she will keep feeding you biscuits dragging a safety back-up around with her as she "Has time alone to think". Which it isn't because you are in love with her and you want to date her.
NickP Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 i sorta agree with aloverstwist. be slightly cautious and yes u're still in love with her, but dunt hope too much. i noe it's really bad for me 2 say this, but u gotta protect ur own heart a lil bit. think bout the possibility of her saying "no" or "yes" to another relationship with u and think about how u're going to deal with either of these responses. remember that by going to that dinner and apologising to her and asking for another chance, she'll feel again that she has to make a decision and some girls don't want that cos she might not be ready to make that decision. however, if she's ready she will make that decision and it might make u the happiest man on earth. so tats why i say just be ready for either response. nick
Author p0ppabear Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 I've apologized many times. She even KNOWS I've changed, but it's after the fact. She's standing up for her principles, and believes it took a break up for me to change. So, now what? NC?
norajane Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I've apologized many times. She even KNOWS I've changed, but it's after the fact. She's standing up for her principles, and believes it took a break up for me to change. So, now what? NC? How does she KNOW you've changed? It's been less than two months since you broke up. You underwent a transformation in two months? How does she know you won't push her away the next time you are going through 'rough times'?
ALoversTwist Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I've apologized many times. She even KNOWS I've changed, but it's after the fact. She's standing up for her principles, and believes it took a break up for me to change. So, now what? NC? Obviously she wants to see the change my friend. Show her you've changed through actions not words. The small things add up with girls. What we think are small could actually end up ruining your love life.
Author p0ppabear Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 How does she KNOW you've changed? It's been less than two months since you broke up. You underwent a transformation in two months? How does she know you won't push her away the next time you are going through 'rough times'? Well, we have mutual friends, and she's told them that she believes I've genuinely changed, but it's AFTER the break up. That's her reason. I tend to think, that this might not even be me now. I think she's at a point in her life, where she just wants to learn to be more independent, gain more self-confidence, find her place in life. I doubt, that my actions, HELPED me keep her, but it might have been inevitable. I'm still going to show her, with actions, that I changed, but not JUST to get back with her. Just to show her who I really am, not what this rough patch did to me.
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