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punishments- suggestions


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Posted

Hotgurl, I think you are doing the right thing.

If I was denied the internet for more than a day, I would hate it! Its definitely a sign of the times!

 

Arch, I don't really like the way you are preaching from what seems to be a very high horse. I can understand why the people who have kids are thinking "WTF does this guy know about bringing up kids and how difficult it is".

I suspect you aren't really in a very good position to comment on it right at the moment. Neither am I- I don't have kids.

I WAS spanked a couple of times as a kid, and I never did the things again, thats for sure.

I am not a violent person as an adult.

 

Seeing as statistics are your bag, here a few things FYI.

 

In New Zealand, where I am from, "hitting/spanking" your kids was made illegal in 2006.

In that time, child abuse and domestic violence in NZ has GOTTEN WORSE. The people who didn't give a sh** about the law pre-2006 still don't. The kids who are their victims didn't speak out then, and still don't.

 

The other effect this has had is that parents who are not "child abusers", ie they 'spank' for discipline have effectively had a large amount of their authority undermined by the government.

 

A 12 year old child reported his father to the police for smacking him. By all accounts, the smacking wasn't anything particularly serious. Now the father is in custody, the 12 year old is in care, and the family has been ripped apart. The repercussions of the 12 year olds actions will cause devastation to this family for years to come. I think its heartbreaking. When the kid finally matures enough to realise the consequences of his actions, the guilt will probably cripple him mentally.

 

Can you honestly put your hand on your heart and say that this is "right"?

  • Author
Posted

and that is just it. at 12 kids now right from wrong for the most part but they still don't understand the ramifications of thier actions.

 

Also they are testing boundries to see what they can get away with.

 

She is a good kind but still has no clue how powerful her words can be.

Posted
and that is just it. at 12 kids now right from wrong for the most part but they still don't understand the ramifications of thier actions.

 

Also they are testing boundries to see what they can get away with.

 

She is a good kind but still has no clue how powerful her words can be.

 

Exactly. Your job as a parent who loves her and wants the best for her is to set those boundaries, and to guide her when she oversteps them. "Punishment", for all its negative connotations, is simply a tool that, when used well, helps you to provide that guidance.

Posted (edited)
and that is just it. at 12 kids now right from wrong for the most part but they still don't understand the ramifications of thier actions.

 

Also they are testing boundries to see what they can get away with.

 

She is a good kind but still has no clue how powerful her words can be.

 

 

Also, its the kids with parents who don't love their kids enough to teach them right from wrong that our kids are having to try to handle situations at school on their own. The schools are overwhelmed by problem "throw away" kids and there are only so many "fires" the schools can put out during the day.

 

The incident with your daughter is typical 12 year old girl behavior these days and I truly appreciate your willingness to do all that a parent can do to try to teach your daughter a better way. Your daughter could have easily been faced with total suspension from school or be put at risk of deadly repercussions like being beaten, shot or stabbed by another student whose primitive solution to "threats" is violence.

 

Your definitely doing the right thing by making an impact on your daughter so that she will understand that there are serious repercussions from her actions. Theres nothing more loving a parent can do than teach their child how to successfully survive and be a positive, productive and contributing member to society. Beginning with lessons that teach right from wrong.

 

Writing papers is a great teaching tool that I have used with both of my kids before. A good old fashioned grounding from "all things fun" works great as well. In fact, I would have done the exact same things you listed had I been faced with the same situation with the same uncertainty of whether or not to include school sports. :laugh:

Edited by nittygritty
Posted

I just read that the K-8 school has a total of 60 kids. Wow! I bet the student per teacher ratio is outstanding!

 

Okay, I missed that minor detail before posting my previous post. Your daughter's school staff shouldn't be too overwhelmed "putting out fires"...:laugh:

 

Talking to the school staff sounds like a great idea!

Posted
...I knwo threatning and insulting is different but the girl should be punished as well.

For me it depends on the threat -- 'throw rocks at you' versus 'throw your cell phone down the toilet', type of thing.

Because both are just words...either to scare or to hurt...and I'm not really sure if there is a "better" or a "worse", as far as the psyche is concerned. Though I think personally I'd prefer having others try to scare me than hurt me with their words.

 

She called my daughter a slut and a whore.
So... I just wanted to add a reminder (if needed) to also acknowledge to your daughter that you understand that she felt hurt and/or embarrassed (or whatever she says she felt), but that it is important to be able to manage her own responses no matter what are the strong feelings that threaten to overtake her otherwise good sense and judgment.

 

PS - brilliant thinking to get input from the Coach!

  • Author
Posted
So... I just wanted to add a reminder (if needed) to also acknowledge to your daughter that you understand that she felt hurt and/or embarrassed (or whatever she says she felt), but that it is important to be able to manage her own responses no matter what are the strong feelings that threaten to overtake her otherwise good sense and judgment.

 

PS - brilliant thinking to get input from the Coach!

 

yes I have talked to her numerous times about this. Because I know is hurts and makes her angry to be callled names. But it is not acceptable to threaten someone ever. We talked about dfiferent ways to handle the situation. ie..walk away tell the girl I don't like being insulted stop it. tell a teacher. etc...

 

that's why writing a paper is a good idea.

Posted (edited)
Spankings are positive reinforcements in my book. They positively reinforce the fact that I did not approve of little Johnny's behavior. :p

 

How about it being age appropriate. At that stage an adolescent will probably just laugh or do something like ''Ok fine but I can call the cops right now if you touched me''.

 

I know this b/c there was on two occassions I got threatened a spank as an early teen and in turn I talked back to my father saying I would report him.

 

Then some kid in my school did the same thing. He went on explaining to his classmates how in his previous years his parents can't lay a hand on him or else he would call the cops (LOL).

 

Yea we're not in the 1950's no more.

Edited by samsungxoxo
Posted
How about it being age appropriate. At that stage an adolescent will probably just laugh or do something like ''Ok fine but I can call the cops right now if you touched me''.

 

I know this b/c there was on two occassions I got threatened a spank as an early teen and in turn I talked back to my father saying I would report him.

 

Then some kid in my school did the same thing. He went on explaining to his classmates how in his previous years his parents can't lay a hand on him or else he would call the cops (LOL).

 

Yea we're not in the 1950's no more.

 

No, we're not, but children should still respect their parents while they are minors and living in their parents homes. I suggest you read my post above to read an example of the kind of repercussions that your suggestions/ behaviour above can have.

 

Age "appropriate" indeed, how ironic given the content of the above post. :rolleyes:

Posted
We talked about dfiferent ways to handle the situation. ie..walk away tell the girl I don't like being insulted stop it. tell a teacher. etc...

I kind of figured that you'd also covered your daughter's feelings :)

 

Have you discussed safe and appropriate ways for her to release her frustrations, disappointments and anger? -- journaling, drawing, physical activity (housework or gardening or running or kick boxing) -- basically anything that gets that pent-up energy "out" of her mind and body.

 

Again, best of luck -- guiding your daughter through the next 6 or 8 years will not be easy...but you certainly sound well-equipped and up to the challenges ;)

  • Author
Posted
I kind of figured that you'd also covered your daughter's feelings :)

 

Have you discussed safe and appropriate ways for her to release her frustrations, disappointments and anger? -- journaling, drawing, physical activity (housework or gardening or running or kick boxing) -- basically anything that gets that pent-up energy "out" of her mind and body.

 

Again, best of luck -- guiding your daughter through the next 6 or 8 years will not be easy...but you certainly sound well-equipped and up to the challenges ;)

 

Thanks,

It is very hard. She loves to draw and is a great writter. so we have talked about journaling and she draws a lot.

 

and I put her in a lot of sports it helps her get the agression and competativeness out in a healthy safe way.

 

sometimes I feel like she doesn't listen at all. but I think that is just the age.

Posted
How about it being age appropriate. At that stage an adolescent will probably just laugh or do something like ''Ok fine but I can call the cops right now if you touched me''.

 

I know this b/c there was on two occassions I got threatened a spank as an early teen and in turn I talked back to my father saying I would report him.

 

Then some kid in my school did the same thing. He went on explaining to his classmates how in his previous years his parents can't lay a hand on him or else he would call the cops (LOL).

 

Yea we're not in the 1950's no more.

Good point.

In my opinion, spankings are only effective for very young toddlers.

 

And I'm not talking about whaling on a kid and giving them a bona fide beating. No. FAR from that. I'm talking about a light swat on the bottom that conveys an undeniable message. Ha! Sometimes I wonder if kids are genetically programmed to know this is a clear sign of disapproval? Of course I'm kidding - but not really, as my two year old requires barely a light tap on her diaper padded tush to get the point. It's not like I am hauling out the whip or switch, or even using this method with any kind of regular frequency.

 

Anyway.... I would not find this to be effective or appropriate for any of my older kids.

 

Hotgurl - again. Sounds like you have a great handle on the situation. Good job, you are raising a great kid.

Posted

I agree with you that a light spanking should be for toddlers only.

 

I find it quite distasteful how Ailec and her friends seem to have total disregard for their parents authority past a certain age however. Even threatening to report your own parents to the cops is wrong- it undermines any authority they may have, and the kids are effectively flipping the finger at their parents discipline, and it even sounds like they are goading them!

 

I think thats sad, and it shows some of whats wrong with some kids today, who are given free reign to do whatever they please, they have no boundaries, and think that THEY are the boss....it sounds like your kids aren't falling into that category though HG.

 

I am not a parent, granted. I really hope that when I am, I do as good a job as you seem to be doing Mustang and HG, and I hope I manage to instil a sense of respect into my children so that they would never dream of reporting me to the cops for disciplining them.

Posted
I think thats sad, and it shows some of whats wrong with some kids today, who are given free reign to do whatever they please, they have no boundaries, and think that THEY are the boss....it sounds like your kids aren't falling into that category though HG.

I quite agree with you, SB.

 

It's a real shame, IMO, when plain old horse-sense gets bulldozed by the (ever-popular) PC bandwagon that some so readily jump on....often without any working knowledge of the subject they feel so strongly about...

 

I would never sanction child abuse. But I also know that discipline can effectively be administered by loving parents without it constituting child abuse. ;)

 

So, HG, I must have missed it. How is your daughter reacting to her "punishment"? If she's anything like my 11 year old, once she gets over the initial embarassment that she always feels for getting caught misbehaving, she'll realize that you are doing what you are out of love, and own her behavior. Good kids, they are!

  • Author
Posted

actually she felt very sad. She was cried when I picked her up. She hates to disappoint me and she knew what she did was wrong.

 

and she just accepted her punishment no but mom or anything actually she finished HArry Potter the Dark Prince and started the last book. She helped me clean the house and do the recyclables.

Posted
She hates to disappoint me and she knew what she did was wrong.

HG, is there some way to turn that around so it becomes a fact that she can NEVER disappoint YOU...she can only act in ways that are misguided and do not serve HER best interests? (That is, are not effective and/or productive for her goals; are harmful or hurtful to herself or her relationships.)

 

Sort of, isn't it a better message if we can be disappointed for our kids but not in them...if that makes sense?

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